"It had been fifteen minutes since I was staring at the five words I typed, cogitating while sitting with my legs crossed on my bed." (p.1). You're using passive voice here. I suggest against this technique, as it makes your sentence more cluttered and has a weak impact on your audience. Correction: "It had been fifteen minutes since I stared at the five words I typed, cogitating while sitting with my legs crossed on my bed."

"My nose had to chair my Harry Potter shaped spectacles which I deliberately bought to make my sister jealous." (p.1). You need hyphens here. Correction: "My nose had to chair my Harry-Potter-shaped-spectacles, which I deliberately bought to make my sister jealous." Notice the comma I've added. Additionally, what do you mean by the first part of the sentence? I'm confused—feel free to let me know!

"Her Potterhead self-had a perfect hawk like vision and didn't need glasses, while me, I needed it too much for my own good." (p.2). You have misplaced hyphens here, as well as misplaced commas. I also suggest replacing "it" with "them," for glasses, plural. Correction: "Her Potterhead-self had a perfect hawk-like vision and didn't need glasses. While me, I needed them too much for my own good."

"Focusing on the current elephant in the room, I lightly pressed my fingers to caress the keys of the keyboard, so that the small words were visible on the bright screen." (p.3). You have misplaced commas here. Correction: "Focusing on the current elephant in the room, I lightly pressed my fingers to caress the keys of the keyboard so that the small words were visible on the bright screen."

"I was now gazing frustratingly at the blinking cursor on the blank screen." (p.3). You're using passive voice here. Suggestion: "I gazed, frustrated, at the blinking cursor on the blank screen." Notice how I rearranged the sentence structure to avoid using an adverb.

"I meant, why would he help me without expecting nothing in return." (p.7). Since this is phrased as a question, it should end as one. Additionally, I think you meant to say, "... help me without expecting anything in return." Correction: "I mean, why would he help me without expecting anything in return?"

"In the photograph, he was grinning so wide, I was surprised a muscle in his face didn't feel cramped." (p.8). I've noticed that you often relate "smiling" with "facial muscles." There is a repetition with you mentioning facial muscles, and it feels very detached and doesn't invoke any feelings within me. I suggest using stronger diction choices and vocabulary to convey this instead of using descriptions like these.

"It became an unspoken tradition, I would not pick up Papa's call, he in return would only leave a message regarding the call, and I would reply either an 'Okay' or 'Thank You.' Yet he never stopped calling, I didn't know why." (p.10). You have many comma splices here. I also suggest removing the second sentence, as it seems obvious he would call because he wants to hear her voice (unless there's another specific reason). Correction: "It became an unspoken tradition. I would not pick up Papa's call, he in return would only leave a message regarding the call, and I would reply either an 'Okay' or 'Thank You.'"

"Always the same abbreviations, did it take a lot of labor to completely write 'I Love You' or did it took a lot of space and his precious time?" (p.14). You have comma splices here. You also have unnecessary capitalization here, as well as mis-conjugation. Correction: "Always the same abbreviations. Did it take a lot of labor to completely write 'I love you' or did it take a lot of space and his precious time?" Additionally, I was confused by the protagonist's hurt. He was the one calling her, she was the one who didn't answer, yet she was upset that he abbreviated "I love you"? This seems a bit hypocritical and contradictory. If there is a reason, please expand upon this to let your audience know!

"... both age wise and reason of birth wise." (p.18). You need hyphens here. Correction: "... both age-wise and reason of birth-wise."

"My parents were never around, both were workaholics, who were married to their work, too busy to take care of their kids." (p.20). You have comma splices here. I also suggest replacing the second "work" with "jobs," to avoid repetition. Correction: "My parents were never around. Both were workaholics who were married to their jobs, too busy to take care of their kids."

"The former part of us not getting along was completely not true, in fact it was quite opposite." (p.22). I suggest getting rid of unnecessary filler words. Additionally, you have misplaced commas. Correction: "The former was completely not true. In fact, it was quite the opposite."

"'You were the one who brought it to me,' it was a statement, not a question." (p.31). The action tag should be separated from the dialogue sentence, and the punctuation/capitalization should reflect that. Correction: "'You were the one who brought it to me.' It was a statement, not a question." I also suggest keeping this part of paragraph 32, as no one new is speaking, and she's continuing to speak.

"Not that it was a frequent happening, in fact it was quite rare." (p.39). You're missing a comma here, and you also have a comma splice. Correction: "Not that it was a frequent happening. In fact, it was quite rare."

"My heart swelled in my chest, it was the first time in a long period that my work was being acknowledged and appreciated." (p.41). You have another comma splice here. Correction: "My heart swelled in my chest. It was the first time in a long period that my work was being acknowledged and appreciated."

"'Let's build a fort then!' Was his attempt to make me feel more comfortable, and returned the humor back in the air." (p.43). This should be one whole sentence, and the capitalization on the tag should reflect that. I also found the second half of the action tag to be awkward-sounding. I'd suggest rephrasing it to flow better with the story. Correction/Suggestion: "'Let's build a fort, then!' was his attempt to make me feel more comfortable, and the humor mood/atmosphere returned." Notice the comma I've added as well.

"'Well, if you say so,' I shrugged, it seemed pretty good to me, given it's popularity and choice of actors." (p.50). The action tag should be a separate sentence from the dialogue sentence, and the punctuation of the dialogue should reflect that. You also have a comma splice, and "it's" should be "it's," as with the apostrophe, you're turning it into a contraction for "it is." It doesn't make sense to say "it is popularity." Correction: "'Well, if you say so.' I shrugged. It seemed pretty good to me, given its popularity and choice of actors."

"My Nana's happy eyes." (p.56). "Nana" doesn't need to be capitalized here, as it has the possessive adjective, "my" in front. Correction: "My nana's happy eyes."

"When we were halfway through the movie, he sneaked his warm hand under the blankets, that was draped on both of our outstretched legs, and found my much colder one." (p.62). You have misplaced commas here, and since this is a long sentence, I suggest separating it into separate sentences. Additionally, the past tense for "sneak" is "snuck." Correction: "When we were halfway through the movie, he snuck his warm hand under the blankets. They were draped on both of our outstretched legs, and he found my much colder hand."

In paragraph 64, "Nana" does not need to be capitalized.

"Instead of going to greet them, like a normal person should, I made up my mind to ignore them, and walk in my own part of the lobby, a result of my introverted instincts kicking in." (p.67). This is another abnormally long sentence. You have four commas in this sentence, which is already too much. Instead, I suggest replacing some of those commas with periods. Correction: "Instead of going to greet them like a normal person would, I made up my mind to ignore them and walk in my own part of the lobby. A result of my introverted instincts kicking in."

"These kinds of situations, motivated me to bring out the soul of a dead philosopher in me." (p.71). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "These kinds of situations motivated me to bring out the soul of a dead philosopher in me."

"... I saw how great this hotel actually was." (p.73). Here, I suggest removing the unnecessary filler word, "actually." It has no real impact on the audience, takes away from the effect it has, and doesn't contribute to the plot at all.

"By the time, I was finished admiring the view, Nana was fast asleep on the huge bed." (p.75). You have an unnecessary comma here that separates one clause. Correction: "By the time I was finished admiring the view, Nana was fast asleep on the huge bed."

"... and tucked her hands and feet safely in the covers." (p.75). I suggest replacing "in" with "under" as her hands and feet cannot be in the blanket; only under.

"'I'm so hungry, let's go and eat in the restaurant of this hotel,' she grumbled irritated." (p.78). You have another comma splice here. Additionally, you need a comma. Correction: "'I'm so hungry. Let's go and eat in the restaurant of this hotel,' she grumbled, irritated."

"... Nana was bubbling with joy and rambling something about destiny." (p.83). You're using passive voice here. Correction/Suggestion: "... Nana bubbled with joy and rambled on about destiny." I also replaced some filler words to keep the story flowing more smoothly. This is optional.

"... but I had to get it, if I didn't, it wouldn't sit well with me." (p.1). You have a comma splice here. Correction: "... but I had to get it. If I didn't, it wouldn't sit well with me."

"The usual and the most practiced thing becomes really hard, and felt like it was the first attempt to do so." (p.3). Your tense is inconsistent here. Correction: "The usual and the most practiced thing became hard, and felt like it was the first attempt to do so." I also removed an unnecessary filler word.

"It was as if, the whole earth stirred due to the vibrations of his loud snoring." (p.6). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "It was as if the whole earth stirred due to the vibrations of his loud snoring." Unnecessary commas are very common in your writing, so keep an eye out for this when writing in the future.

"It was so comforting, that the place was clean again, but it made me so tired, that I felt I would faint any moment now." (p.12). Again, you have unnecessary commas, and too many commas in one sentence can be an indicator that some of those commas should be periods. Correction: "It was so comforting that the place was clean again, but it made me so tired that I felt I would faint any moment now."

"I never had trouble sleeping before, in fact I was the person who woke up last on weekends, when I lived with my family." (p.13). You have a comma splice and an unnecessary comma. Correction: "I never had trouble sleeping before. In fact, I was the person who woke up last on weekends when I lived with my family."

"Sometimes, I would be awake for two days straight and collapsing into sleep, the moment I hit my head on the pillow, on the third day." (p.14). You have unnecessary commas here, and "collapsing" should be "collapse." Correction: "Sometimes, I would be awake for two days straight and collapse into sleep the moment I hit my head on the pillow on the third day." Notice how as a sentence it's still pretty winding, so I suggest taking it a step further and turning it into a more refined, less confusing sentence structure.

"It was the best chilled drink which could be made, well, according to me." (p.17). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "It was the best chilled drink which could be made well, according to me."

"Keeping in mind, the lack of time, I got to work." (p.19). You have an unnecessary comma here. Most of your mistakes are either comma misplacements or comma splices, so I suggest cleaning those up when first tackling your grammar errors. Correction: "Keeping in mind the lack of time, I got to work."

"I felt my eyes being stretched beyond their capability, which coincided to the rapid increase in the rate of my heartbeat, as something in me jumped and created a havoc in my lungs." (p.23). I suggest replacing some of your filler diction with more appropriate choices. Additionally, this is an unnecessarily long statement when you could just say that your protagonist widened her eyes and her heart beat faster. Using more details isn't always better, and in this case, sounds more like a medical diagnosis a doctor would tell a patient. I don't have any emotions invoked within me, so I suggest tapping into more of your emotional side to affect your readers.

In paragraph 24, "scotched" is probably meant to be "scooched."

"Yeah, let's scare poor Gerry, while she is making breakfast!" (p.30). You have an unnecessary comma. Correction: "Yeah, let's scare poor Gerry while she is making breakfast!"

"'They suit you really well.' He said with a tone full of appreciation, which was almost tender, with a smile adorning his face." (p.45). I suggest avoiding filler words and adverbs such as "actually, very, really," etc. It has no impact on your readers or story. Additionally, the dialogue tag should be included within the dialogue sentence. I also suggest splitting this into several sentences instead of having many misplaced commas all over the place. Correction/Suggestion: "'They suit you well,' he said with a tone full of appreciation. It was almost tender, with a smile adorning his face."

"'I didn't have my toothbrush here.' He replied, still enthusiastic and grinning." (p.50). The dialogue tag cannot stand as a sentence on its own, and should be a continuation of the dialogue sentence. The punctuation and capitalization regarding the dialogue should reflect that. Correction: "'I didn't have my toothbrush here,' he replied, still enthusiastic and grinning."

"'... under the basin.' I instructed and brushed him off." (p.51). Again, the dialogue tag should be a continuation of the dialogue sentence. Correction: "'... under the basin,' I instructed and brushed him off."

"Morning breaths and I didn't go well together." (p.54). "Breaths" does not need to be pluralized. Correction: "Morning breath and I didn't go well together."

Most of my reviews for your chapters were centered around the same grammatical errors, so I suggest you focus on cleaning those up and shortening long sentences. I enjoyed the descriptions you've used, especially in the beginning of your story, but I also noticed you used very detached, clinical, and unnecessary descriptions for simple things, such as opening doors, widening eyes, and trembling knees. I would suggest tackling the parts of your story that are unnecessary, but other than that, I enjoyed all the flashbacks and the direction of your story!