Ƭhat afternoon, Rey went out for a walk in the meadow with Finn and Rose.

"How has the prince been treating you?" Finn asked.

"He treats me well."

"Then what's wrong? You're not acting like yourself, " Finn said.

"I'm just so confused. I called him a monster in front of the whole council, but then when the King of Hoth called me a servant girl, he defended me."

"I knew that he was truly a good person, " said Rose.

"I don't know what to do. Things have become so complicated, I still haven't found it in my heart to forgive him. I have tried pushing him away, but it just doesn't work, " Rey continued.

"Just try getting to know him. The only things you know about him are the bad things, but there is good too, even in his dark past there is some good, " Rose said.

"How do you know?" Rey asked.

"You said that life was like the night sky, it may be dark but it is covered with beautiful starlight. You just need to find the light in him, " she answered.

Rey nodded thoughtfully.

꧁❀꧂

The next day, Rey came to the library. She needed time alone to think, especially today. This was the very day that her father had died twelve years ago. It was one of the hardest days each year, next to it was her birthday...the day her mother had died. But it was worse on the day her father had died. She had watched him be killed right in front of her, it was a memory that she couldn't seem to shake.

It seemed that every year when this day came, she would relive the day her father had died...the pain.

She needed to be alone so that she could cry and let her emotions flow freely after being locked up for a year, she hadn't truly cried for her parents since this day last year. She tried to keep her emotions inside, but eventually, they had to come out. And having Kylo around all of the time certainly didn't help matters.

Her tears flowed freely as she witnessed Kylo Ren's blade pierce her father in her mind's eye.

She clenched her fists, trying to fight the hate... she had to forgive him. She cried even more as she felt herself being torn in half. She'd made a promise that she would avenge her father, but she couldn't give vengeance to the man she was married to. However if she forgave him as she knew she should, it would feel like she was betraying her father.

She heard footsteps behind her and turned to see him, he just had to come in now. Couldn't he just let her be alone for one day? She didn't want to see him at all today, she'd hoped that he wouldn't come looking for her, but she should have known better.

He hadn't even said anything yet and already she was mad at him for something he didn't even know that he had done. He'd come in right as she was struggling with the memory of what he had done, right when she was at war with herself over rather she should... She sighed, not should, she already knew she should forgive him. The real question was could she, was she strong enough to?

She turned away from him, hoping that he wouldn't see her crying.

He sat down beside her and placed his hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

She nodded.

"I'm sorry for the way they treated you," he said, gently. He rubbed her shoulder in a soothing manner.

She didn't reply, she didn't want to say anything that she would regret. She knew that he was just trying to be there for her, but she didn't want him to be.

"I'm here to listen if you need to talk about it," he noticed how unusually quiet she was.

She nodded. "I'm okay."

He reached over and gently placed his hand over hers. "Are you sure?" His head was practically on her shoulder as he tried to get a glimpse of her face.

She nodded, pulling her hand away from his and turned away from him. It did make her feel better when he comforted her, but she couldn't help but feel that she was betraying her father by letting him hug her or hold her hand... especially today. Deep down, she wanted him to hold her as he had the day before so that she could cry freely on his shoulder and feel the comfort of having someone care. But he was the one who had caused this grief to begin with. Honestly if it was Finn or Rose or Han and Leia, she would have hugged them and told them what was troubling her. But it was hard to be comforted by the one had caused it to begin with.

He didn't understand why she was pulling away from him, she hadn't seemed to mind yesterday. She'd seemed to enjoy it. There was only one thing that he could think of that would cause her to have such dramatic changes towards him. "Rey, I've made a lot of mistakes in my past and I've hurt a lot of people. I hope that I haven't hurt you... have I?"

She was silent, the day she couldn't forget was the day that he couldn't seem to care enough about to remember.

"You think that I can't see it, that look in your eyes. I've been through a lot in my life, I've seen that look before. I know that there are times that you wish... that you want to kill me. But you stop yourself because you're strong and other times I think that I see the smallest trace of compassion, I see the war that wages in your eyes. Please just tell me the truth."

Rey swallowed hard and looked at her hands so that she wouldn't have to meet his gaze. "I don't want to kill you... I just..." she trailed off, she had been about to say that she wished that she never had to see him again, but she knew that she would probably regret it like she regretted her words the day before.

"Are you in love with someone else?" he asked her gently. He didn't sound angry or jealous.

She didn't reply. She wasn't, but she didn't feel like talking to him and she didn't want to give him the hope that she might fall in love with him. She couldn't.

"Because if you are, I will let you be with him if it makes you happy," he continued. "I love you, but I'm willing to let you go if it means that you will be happy, even at the expense of my own happiness."

She could have said yes and had her freedom, but she found that she couldn't lie to him. Instead, she bluntly spoke the painful truth. She shook her head. "I have never been in love."

"I know that you don't love me, but I'm trying to make you happy. I want to be a good husband to you," he said. "Are you happy?"

"It's kind of hard to be happy when I'm married to the man who..." she stopped herself.

"What?" he asked.

She didn't reply.

"The man who what? Please tell me," he said, halfway begging her and halfway demanding an answer, but still, she didn't respond. He sighed deeply. "Rey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done, but I can't make amends until you tell me what I did that hurt you so."

"There are some things that you can't make amends for."

He looked at her, broken-hearted. "Have I truly hurt you that badly?"

Her anger rose. He didn't even remember what he had done, he didn't even care. "You don't remember?"

He looked at her confused and she knew that he didn't.

"Worse, you don't care."

"Rey..." he tried to interrupt, but she continued her voice raised so that she was yelling now. She'd snapped at him many times before, but she'd never really said what was truly in her heart. She'd held herself back but now she couldn't hold it in. It was like a wound that had been reopened, and wouldn't stop bleeding.

"No! You don't care about me! You don't even care about your parents!" Normally she tried to keep her voice down when they argued because she didn't want anyone to hear, especially his parents. But at this moment she was too mad to care. She reached up and slapped him across his cheek. "You only care about yourself!"

She turned and left the library as quickly as she could, she didn't want to look at him. She didn't want to see the pain in his eyes, she knew that she had hurt him, but she didn't care. He deserved it.

She walked purposefully down the hall, but then she stopped as an overwhelming pain of guilt filled her heart. She looked down at her hands, they were trembling. She hurt him, she had actually slapped him. She didn't know why that bothered her so much she'd wanted to do it for so long, but now that she had she didn't feel satisfied. She felt wrong.

Her mind wandered back to the day before when he had defended her from the council. She could remember how he'd held her and allowed her to cry on his shoulder. Those tears weren't spilt for herself but for him, because of what she had said about him.

Tears welled up in her eyes, she shouldn't have said those things, she shouldn't have slapped him. She felt so terrible, it didn't matter what he had done she shouldn't treat him that way, it was making her just as bad as him...perhaps worse. She'd hurt her own husband and he'd never done anything to hurt her intentionally, he'd only tried to love her.

He had killed her father in a battle, he hadn't murdered him in cold blood. He didn't deserve to be treated this way by his wife just because he had been fighting for his life. Now she felt that she would never be able to forgive herself for it.

He was trying to make amends and she'd slapped him in the face for it. She cursed herself for being so heartless. At the time, she'd become that little girl who wanted to avenge her father again. It was a natural instinct to hurt those who hurt you, but she realized that she had been wrong to do it.

She went back to the library to apologize. She stopped in the doorway and saw him still sitting where he had been when she left, his head in his hands. As she watched him she realized that he was crying. He wasn't at all the heartless person she'd always imagined him to be. He had a heart and she'd broken it. She wasn't sure why that made her feel so guilty, why that was breaking her own heart.

"God I don't know what to do," she heard him whispering. "I'm not a Christian, I don't deserve to be called your child and I know that I haven't spoken to you in a long time. But I'm trying to be the kind of husband you would want me to be. I know I've never really gotten anything right in my life, but I don't want to mess up my marriage."

Rey felt tears welling up in her eyes as she continued to listen to him. "She deserves better, but I want to do what the Bible says and love her as you love the church, that included those who had wronged you. So no matter what she says or does to me, I will love her until my last breath. I will return her hate with love, I know all too well what she feels. An absence of love can often grow into hate, I recognize that within her because I've felt it."

Tears flowed down her cheeks as she saw him for the first time as he truly was, she finally knew his true feelings. She had hurt him, very deeply. Not just now but from the beginning. But he still loved her because he knew how she felt, but how could he know? What pain had caused him to feel the same? Why was she suddenly so concerned for him?

"I never understood why you allowed me to be born, or why you didn't let me die when I begged you to. I never saw any purpose in my existence, but now I know what I was created for... why I was born. She needs me, she needs someone to show her that she is loved. I know that I'm not even worthy to speak to you, that I will never go to heaven, but this prayer is for her. She's a wonderful person, she's just been broken by something from her past and all that I ask is that you help her, that you let her know that I do love her."

Rey stepped into the hallway and leaned against the wall beside the library door. She buried her head in her hands as she slid down to the floor and began to cry. She realized that she hadn't only been mad at him for her father's death, but also at God.

She should be praying for him, yet he was praying for her. She'd been a terrible wife, he believed that he was unworthy of God's love. But as she heard him praying, she realized something that shook her to the core: he was more worthy of God's forgiveness than she was. She came to God, believing that she was a good person and that she deserved to go to heaven, while she carried hate in her heart. In God's eyes, hate and murder were the same things. How many times had she murdered Kylo Ren in her heart?

He came, humbly believing that he wasn't even worthy to speak to God.

"God please forgive me, I was angry with you when I shouldn't have been. And you sent me this boy who desperately needs to see your love, but I only gave him my hate. Please help me forgive him, help me show him that you do love him," she whispered.

After she'd finished letting out her tears, she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She took a deep breath, trying to cover up the fact that she had been crying. Then she stood up and went into the library, Ben still had his head in his hands. He had calmed down, but she could still see that he was crying a little bit.

She sat down beside him and began to rub his back in a gentle soothing way. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I shouldn't have said those things, none of them are true. I know that you care about your parents and me."

He sat up but didn't look at her. She could tell that he was embarrassed because he had been crying. "Please leave, I don't want you to see me like this. I know I'm weak, I don't need you to tell me."

"No, you're the strongest person I know. Besides I should be here, I'm the one who hurt you. I'm sorry that I slapped you."

"That's okay, people you love hurt you. I've been hurt worse by people who love me."

"What do you mean?"

"Snoke said that he loves me like a son, but he... he... I don't want to talk about it."

Rey nodded. "Okay," but deep down she was beginning to feel worried about him, what he had through. "But I shouldn't have slapped you. It was wrong and I know that you probably find it hard to believe, but it hurt me too. You can slap me back if it would make you feel better."

He turned to look at her. "No, Rey I wouldn't hit you if my life depended on it. I would never hit my wife. I know that you think that I'm a cruel person and maybe you're right, but I'm not that heartless."

Rey started to cry. "But I am," she whispered.

Seeing her cry, he forgot that he was upset with her. He grabbed her hand and gently brushed his thumb over the top of her hand. "What do mean?"

"I'm heartless, I hit you... my husband," she said between tears.

"Shhh, it's okay Rey," he gently pulled her into a hug. Her tears broke his heart even more than the slap had. But at the same time, it made him feel a bit better that she was actually sorry. And that was the first time she had ever called him her husband. It was a step towards deepening their relationship. "You didn't hit me that hard, and you're not heartless. If you were you wouldn't be apologizing or crying. Besides I've already forgiven you. I've learned that the only person you hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself, if I stayed mad at you I would only rob myself from being happy together with you. That's all I want, for us to be happy together as husband and wife."

She laid her head on his shoulder and started crying even more. He was right she was hurting herself because of the grudge she was holding, but she was also hurting him.

He rubbed her back, trying to calm her down. He was trying to make her feel better, not worse. "Rey, I truly forgive you. Please don't cry for my sake."

"But I have been so cruel to you, Ben, " she whispered between her tears.

He felt his heart skip a beat. It was the first time she had spoken his real name. "Rey, I love you. I have already forgiven you."

To his surprise, she pulled him into a hug and rested her head on his shoulder. He could hear her crying softly. As much as he wanted to just keep holding her this way, her tears were breaking his heart. "Is something troubling you, Rey?"

She sighed against his shoulder. "This is the day that my father died."

"I'm sorry, I know that must be hard," he told her gently. He moved his hands up and down her back tenderly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head, she didn't want to tell him that he was the one who had killed him. It would break his heart, she'd already hurt him enough.

He held her close. "It might make you feel better."

But it will make you feel worse, she thought. She'd already made him cry once, she didn't want to make him cry again. She knew that he would cry if he knew the truth, he cared about her too much not to. And the only reason he wanted to live was for her, if he knew the truth he would probably give up on life. But if she didn't talk to him, he would feel like she was still angry with him.

She took a deep breath. "I never knew my mother, so I was very close to my father. He was all I had and I was all he had. But I know it was hard for my father because he always said that I looked like my mother. Sometimes I blamed myself for her death because she died giving birth to me."

"Rey that's not your fault, she gave up her life for you because she loved you. Because she knew that you would become a great person one day like my grandmother did for my mother and uncle."

She nodded sadly. "My father used to say that. Sometimes you remind me of him." That was one reason that she found it hard to forgive him, she would try not to think about what he had done. But then he would do something that made her think of her father, she knew that he wasn't doing it on purpose, but it was torturing her.

"Is that why you push me away sometimes? Because I make you think of your father and it's something too painful to think about?"

She nodded, that was the truth, just not the whole truth.

"I'm sorry," he answered. "But I'm glad that you told me. I don't want us to spend the rest of our lives like this. I know that we didn't choose each other but I hope that we can work things out between us. Even if we never have a romantic relationship I want to be a lifelong companion to you, someone you can talk to about anything."

She nodded, she did feel better, even though she hadn't told him what was truly bothering her. She just didn't want to make matters worse. "Thank you for being here for me, I know I'm not making things easy for you."

She looked up at him, seeing his slightly reddened cheek, and felt guilt fill her again. She reached up, placing her hand on his cheek. She gently brushed her thumb over the place she had slapped him. "I'm so sorry for this," she said.

He closed his eyes leaning into her touch. He didn't want to say it out loud but he thought that being slapped was well worth it to have her touch him this way. He needed affection more than he could describe and she didn't give him much, he had to savor the moments when she did.

He turned and kissed her palm to show that he had no hard feelings towards her. Her hands were the only part of her that he permitted himself to kiss. Kissing a lady's hand was considered a polite gesture at formal gatherings. But he didn't use it as a polite greeting, he used it as a way to express his affection without making her feel uncomfortable. He was trying to be polite and respectful, but give her affection at the same time.

But what he didn't know was that he was the only man who had ever kissed her hand, she hadn't been to formal gatherings. The kiss he'd given her on their wedding was the first kiss she'd felt from anyone other than her father, and that had been so long ago. The feeling of Ben's lips on her hand was a completely unfamiliar one.