I finger my dress, poking my forefinger through a hole in the lace. The dress loosely hangs on me like a sack. When I was in the hospital I lost weight that I couldn't afford to lose. How much have I shrunk in the last year? Two, three dress sizes? The plumpness that females usually gain before their first shift was nowhere to be found on me. I gained maybe five pounds, and that's generous. If I lost twenty pounds, then gained five, I was still a good fifteen pounds underweight. More, if you consider that we are supposed to be about ten pounds overweight in the couple of months before a shift.

Grief from rejection does that to a wolf. That's what we are taught and that's what I now know for certain.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I never overheard him? If I could have spent the last two years in blissful ignorance of my truemate loving my sister. I would never have known that he was my mate, not until I shifted, and I would have just been happy, been... living.

The white lace is scratchy. I absentmindedly fiddle with it while avoiding the speculative looks from the pack. Some of the older packmembers are looking at me with pity. I know what they are thinking. I took too long to shift. I should have been weak, a puny runt wolf, judging from the length of time it took me. Two days, nearly. Forty-two hours of excruciating agony. Then, finally, I shifted into a grey wolf the size of a beta female. Not only is she not a runt, but she is a feral, wild beast who immediately tried to rip open Georgina's throat. Too bad Alpha Alexander was there, worried about the juvenile female whose heart was so close to giving out from pain and stress. His concern for me saved Georgina's life. My newly-shifted wolf was no match for her alpha.

That was five months ago. I spent three weeks recovering in the hospital. I was released and managed to convince mom and dad to let me have absolute seclusion at home until the ceremony tonight.

My brand-new Wolfspirit is... lonely, sad, and wild. It takes everything I have to keep her together, to keep us together. The final meld of my soul to hers is supposed to be a beautiful thing. Instead, I am putting up emotional walls against my own pack, my family, as they stare at me in concern and curiosity because she is hurting so badly.

Oh yeah, I definitely know what they're thinking. A too-long, painful, delayed shift, a feral wolf, seclusion from my friends and packmates. No one knows that I was rejected before I could even sense who my mate was. Rejection is so rare, our alphason's truemate notwithstanding, and to be rejected before your shift is impossible, supposedly. I wish.

Too weak, too ugly, too boring, a loner freak.

I am none of those things. I am not. I promise myself I am none of those things.

I hear Alpha Alexander announce Cinda's name. I can see the unmated wolves ahead, long lines of males on one side, females on the other. If I were unMated I would walk the line of males (or females, if that is what I preferred) searching out my mate. Two other recently shifted wolves have already Claimed their mates tonight. Both pairs already knew who their mate was, but this tradition dates back generations and everyone likes it so much, so we pretend to be surprised. I smile faintly when I see Cinda practically dance down the line. Her mate, Teddy, placed himself at the end, I guess to prolong the anticipation. He is watching her approach with the goofiest smile on his face. This is their night and they are so happy. I'm happy for them. I am. I just wish that my story was like theirs.

"Iliana, step forward and seek your mate," Alpha Alexander has the faintest look of hope in his obsidian gaze. Everyone says his black eyes are scary, but I can see the softness underneath. He is hoping that I step towards the line of males. I meet his gaze and see the hope fade. I wonder what my expression holds for him. A bleak certainty that my future holds no mate for me? Yeah, probably that.

A faint hush falls over the waiting packmembers. I can feel the worry, the wolves, most of them, waiting to encircle a weak pup and make her omega, to always be protected, to always be weak. It's what happens to wolves like me. The pack determines that we are too vulnerable to be anything else. We can never be anything but submissive, nearly human, wolves.

It is nothing like a true omega, the Blessed, like the twins we lost a decade ago to their alpha-mate. They are special, born to be that way. Me? I would be pathetic if I accepted the position at the lowest rung of the ladder. It would be unnatural, forced, practically heretic.

"Alpha," my voice emerges in a croak. I lick my lips, steadying myself. "Alpha," I say more strongly. I take a breath. This is the moment where I can step forward and Claim Sean. He is just there, maybe ten feet behind Alpha Alexander, near the very front of the line. My body is pulling towards him, a magnet seeking its true north. My wolf is dead silent. Her dominant, strong genes are telling her to claim her mate, but her survival instinct is telling her to avoid him. He nearly killed us once and will no doubt hurt us again.

Not taking that step towards the line of males is a terrible physical torment. My bones ache with desire and my muscles scream when I refuse to move. It is much more painful than I imagined, but what's a little more pain? He's like an unwelcome houseguest at this point. You want him gone, but you're so used to it you barely notice he's there.

The grinding and breaking of my wolf's spirit has been months in the making. Years, if I think about how long Sean planned his rejection.

But I won't think about it. I can't. It's too agonizing and I promised my wolf that I would protect her from that faithless male. She is pure instinct, and survival wins, always.

My head is spinning, my stomach sour, but I force the words past my numb lips, anyway, "I am MateLess."

A couple of cries of horror. My mom. I'm so, so sorry to do this to her. The shock and dismay ripples through the crowd. I hear a snarl. Sean wasn't expecting this. I wonder if he is relieved. He tried to visit me in the hospital after my shift, but my doctors turned away everyone except my parents and Alpha Alexander. I wonder if he would have made his rejection official then? Is he so heartless that he would reject a hospitalized she-wolf who nearly died during her first shift? His reputation with the pack would say no. Sean is a good male, a future beta, a hybrid, even, with a human mother. He would never reject his truemate.

I know better.

Too weak, too ugly, too boring, a loner freak.

MateLess.

A swell of bodies press forward. Mom, sobbing, Dad holding her back, with tears in his own eyes. This is crushing them, their oldest daughter has not found her mate and now their middle daughter is MateLess. Alphason Conner is stepping forward, face grim, concerned for a young she-wolf, his hand entwined with his choice, the utterly gorgeous female he lucked out with.

He will be a good alpha despite his best friend and beta. My sister steps forward, false concern on her lying face. Georgina knows the truth, the bitch. I growl under my breath, feeling my wolf's attention snap to her, to the pulse beating in her throat. I feel my teeth descend, my claws beginning to poke out.

"Enough!" Alpha Alexander thunders. His heavy hand clamps down on my shoulder. My wolf cringes away and I flinch at the heavy command. At first, my wolf takes it personally and so do I, until I see everyone calm down and step away. The panic of the pack fades, to be replaced almost immediately by sorrow. There hasn't been a fated MateLess wolf in over a decade in our pack.

"Iliana Thomas, you are MateLess," Alpha Alexander announces solemnly. "May the goddess grant you a clear path. You and your wolf are hers to guide, to love, to hold."

It is the common prayer for MateLess wolves. It's not a prayer for good luck or some platitude about how everything will be fine. It's a heartfelt plea for a future that holds more than my own suicide or insanity. I don't have a mate to love or hold me, so it's left to the goddess to comfort my wolf and me.

I nod stiffly and he smiles sympathetically. He pulls me to him in a hug, "if you need Omega status, sweetie, just tell me or Conner, all right?" he whispers before pulling away to look into my eyes. I force a smile and shake my head slightly.

An Omega, a wolf who will never challenge for a higher position in the pack. It is a blessing and a curse. A wolf can be free of the machinations for power as an Omega, but at the cost of the wolf's pride. I would never be allowed to fight a she-wolf for a higher rank if I became an Omega, and I know, even if Alpha Alexander doesn't, that I am meant for much, much more.

I won't be Omega. I don't need to be cosseted and protected by the pack. My wolf growls lowly, a rumble of dissatisfaction that makes Alpha Alexander smile faintly in pride. "Go sit with your family, Ili," he says my childhood nickname softly. I nod again and turn woodenly into mom's embrace. Her tears almost immediately soak my hair, but I don't cry. I have shed all the tears I can.

I sit, my shaking legs thankful, nestled in my parents' arms. I keep my head bowed while the last two wolves go through the ceremony. It is a subdued atmosphere thanks to me and neither of the two wolves find their mates in the crowd. They also aren't MateLess, so there is hope for them.

I can't look at Sean or Georgina, even though I feel his eyes staring at me.

Alpha Alexander makes his closing remarks and the party begins. I may have ruined that, too, but I don't want to hang around long enough to find out. My wolf needs out.

I run through the forest, thinking, planning. I refuse to let him ruin me anymore. I shifted. I survived. My wolf is strong. Possibly bat-shit-crazy, but strong. I'm going to use that.

"Iliana."

I hear his rasp before I see him. My wolf's paws slide, nails scrabbling in the dirt as she locks her knees and comes to a halt, a warning growl rising from her chest.

"You are not MateLess," Sean steps forward, out of the shadows of the trees. His face is stark white and his brown eyes are dark, dilated pupils making them appear black in the shadows. He is wearing the grey suit and white button-down shirt he had on earlier, but they are far from pristine and his jacket is missing. His light brown hair is messy and sticking up in spots. His canines are elongated. I can see the sharp white tips sticking out from beneath his upper lip. A spot of blood beads. He must have pierced his skin a little. Hands clench into fists then unclench a second later only to repeat. He looks unhinged and desperate.

My wolf paces backward at his approach, her whine mixing with the growl, making Sean stop. I take back the reins, knowing that she is in no shape to have this conversation. I don't think I am ready, either, but I do know what I need to say to this male. This has to end, tonight.

I shift back, not caring that I'm nude and his eyes are traveling over me. I know how I look. I was never as pretty as my older sister and now I look almost corpse-like. My skin is way too pale, my ribs stick out, my knees and elbows are knobbily from the lack of flesh on my bones. My brown hair is dull. I cut it just under my chin a couple of months ago because it was so dry and brittle. Now it hangs in my face, obscuring the shadows under my eyes.

Too weak. Too ugly. Too boring. A loner-freak.

I may not be pretty enough for his ego, but I am not stupid, a loner, and I refuse, absolutely, completely, entirely refuse, to be weak any longer.

He swallows. The mate pull is working its magic. I see lust in his eyes along with pain, confusion, and stark rage.

"Aren't I MateLess?" I ask him.

"You know you're not! You feel this," he snaps. His hand gestures between us in an abrupt motion. The lust in his gaze fades with my question.

"I feel it," I admit. "When, exactly, did you first feel it?" I bait him carefully. I want him to admit what he has done to me. If I had the strength I would rip his throat out for what he has done to me, to my she-wolf.

He cocks his head to one side, "Iliana," he says a little desperately, "I felt it years ago. After my first shift. You know the rules. Alpha doesn't want any juveniles Claimed before their first shift. You were just a pup."

I feel a bitter smile twist my lips. "Alpha also requires that mates tell each other their sexual transgressions. He wants everything out in the open, doesn't he? I wonder, what would you tell me?" I laugh a short, cold laugh. What a terrible time I would have had, being told about my mate and my very own sister and their sordid love affair. I knew he was dating her, but I mean, would he have to give me details?

His face pales and he steps forward, one hand rising, trembling. "You know," he whispers. He seems to say that a lot. "Ili, you know that your sister and I... but that's over, Iliana!"

"You started fucking her a little over a year ago," I say harshly, stopping him in his tracks. "Hmm, your math seems way off. You pursued the sister of your own mate, knowingly, willingly, after realizing that I was supposed to be your mate."

His hand drops back to his side. "A mistake," he says softly.

"A choice," I correct him flatly. My wolf snarls at him, her hind legs shaking from adrenaline. It's hard to concentrate with her so panicked in my head. I have to fight to stay upright, to keep from turning tail and fleeing. I have to be strong for her, because this male nearly destroyed her.

The memories of laying in bed, pain scorching through me while hot tears stream down my cheeks makes my spine stiffen. My wolf didn't want to shift, didn't want to face the rejection she knew was our fate. I begged her, my dry whispers futile for months, to emerge, to make my pain stop. I had to shoulder her pain so that she would shift, so that my body would stop fighting against itself. I had to be strong so that I could take on her burden. All because of this male and his rejection.

"Ili, please, sweetheart. Don't do this. Let's go tell Alpha, now," he says with strength as if he can bully me into forgetting the past year.

"Tell him what?"

"I'll tell him I fucked up and that you are not MateLess," he offers. How nice of him to admit that he 'fucked up.' As if his actions were a drunken weekend or a little argument, not a life-altering choice. He's dated Georgie for nearly a year, maybe longer. He was willing to reject me no matter what he says now.

For all I know, maybe they are still together and this is just his wolf reacting. Sean has spent this entire school year hours away at Colorado State with our Alphason Conner. Hell, it's possible that he and Georgina have had a long-distance relationship. I don't know, anymore, I stopped caring when my wolf started breaking my ribs to fight against her awakening.

"I shifted as a MateLess wolf," I point out.

He winces but takes another step towards me. I stand my ground... for now. If I run he'll chase me and a wolf on edge is unpredictable. I have to be smart, I can't fight him off. "Ili, I know it was a difficult shift, but... do you know how worried I was for you? I... I should have been here for you, but I only found out about your shift afterward."

I raise an eyebrow. The entire pack knows that Sean has been away. Still, if he cared he would have known about my shift. Hell, it took forty-two hours. They live only three hours away.

Teddy wouldn't leave Cinda alone for the two months prior to her shift. He hovered over her as if she were pregnant with their first pup. She told me he slept in the dirt outside her bedroom window on paws most nights. He was there because he cared for his mate. Mine doesn't care for me, no matter what he is saying, now. I have accepted it. I had to accept it to live. My wolf couldn't handle the betrayal, so I had to be the survivor for her, for both of us.

I can feel my wolf becoming more and more agitated. Shudders are making her fur ripple, end to end. Unfortunately, I don't know if she wants to kill him or kiss him, and really either option sucks for me. "My shift took forty-two hours, Beta," I say in a nasty voice. His face pales. "I was given two shots of adrenaline and my heart had to be re-started once. I nearly died."

"I didn't know, sweetheart," he whispers, shaking his head. His eyes are wild, the whites all around his dark irises. "How?"

Bitterness wells up. I hate that word, 'sweetheart,' especially from him. I taste copper in my mouth, I bit down too hard on the inside of my cheek to keep from screaming at him. "You rejected me," I say it. Outloud and clearly, the word, 'rejected' makes every wolf cringe. "A long shift is the consequence of that," I tell him flatly. "I shifted as a MateLess wolf," I tell him again.

A slowing dawning look of horror crosses his face. "No! I never rejected-"

I cut him off. "I wish you were my mate, Georgina. You're right about Iliana. Your little sister is... a little too much, isn't she? A little too weak, a little too ugly, a little too boring. I would never want some loner freak over you. I'll reject her after her first shift. Then it's just you and me, sweetheart," I sneer at him the words that have haunted me for over two years.

My wolf snarls, pounding her paws against my skull. I feel sickness wash over me at the awful memory. So much pain. I tighten the muscles around my knees, locking them into place so that I don't melt into a sobbing, hysterical puddle on the forest floor.

"No," he whispers. His eyes are burning holes. He is the one who sinks to his knees, his fingers lodged in his hair, gripping and yanking. "No, Ili, no, I'm so sorry."

"Apologies won't heal my wolf, Beta," I say coldly. "There is nothing you can do to fix the last two years of my life, but I'll tell you what you can do."

He looks at me in desperation. His wolf must be pushing this, angry and upset at his human's rejection of his mate. I wonder if his wolf ignored me, too, these last five years, or is it just Sean himself?

"Leave me alone. I am MateLess because you made it so. You made this choice for us and it's done. I'll heal from this. I will be strong and I will do it alone. Don't for even a moment think that I do anything for you, that I even think of you. You are nothing to me but my pack's Beta."

I turn to leave, nude, my legs shaking, and find that it is easier than I thought to walk away from him. Even when his howl of grief splits the air, when I feel the shift of energy, the pain of the Mate Bond losing another strand because I've now rejected him, too. It is as simple as putting one foot in front of the other just like I have been for the last year.