[ hello loves. this 'series' is inspired by @flwrah and her book 'seams and stitching' in which she wrote absolutely incredible poems about four girls in her life. my take on this only has three guys and in no way am i comparing myself to her. i just got inspired by her and this is my work.]

please read the whole poem, especially the end because it brings everything together and i am letting go of a huge part of myself here! let me know your thoughts ♡

h i m ( p a r t 1 ) - S U N

sun, oh sun,

you were the most beautiful

boy i had seen.

i remember walking in the

class, it was day one of

second grade and you were

the most beautiful boy

i had seen.

i remember you giving me

a lilac and

i remember me squealing.

i had no friends but i had your lilac

to keep me company.

i remember staring at

you and i remember you staring at

me and i remember grinning widely.

i remember crying

because of mother and fathers

usual fighting but i

remember crying more because

of the lilac turning black.

i remember walking in the

class, first day of high school

and you were still the

most beautiful boy i had seen.

i still had no friends but i

had a thousand scars to keep me company.

i remember me staring at you

and i remember you staring at me

and i remember smiling softly.

i remember sitting together

and your friends cheering you

and i remember the lilac you gave me.

i had one friend and fifteen more scars to keep me company.

i remember me staring at you and i

remember you winking at her

and i remember me dying inside.

sun, oh sun,

you were still the most beautiful

boy i had ever seen.

i imagined you in every passing

window and i saw you

in every dream, giving me a lilac.

then i remember me staring at you

and you winking at me and i

remember dying inside.

i now had four friends and

twenty-six more scars to keep me

company.

i remember you giving me a rose

and i remember me swooning.

i remember watching disney with

you and interwining our hands

and i remember me squealing.

i remember me staring at you and i remember you staring at me and i remember me getting butterflies.

i remember receiving a note

with the words 'i love you' and

me dying inside.

i had fifteen friends and a thousand

new memories to keep me company.

i remember talking to you for

hours then you ignoring me the

next day.

sun, oh sun,

i remember walking into class, and

you were still the most beautiful

boy i had ever seen

i remember you giving me a cold

stare and i remember me dying

inside.

i had three friends and a thousand

more scars.

i remember me staring at a void and i remember you staring at me and i remember the bile rising in my throat.

i remember you coming back to

me and i remember me refusing.

i remember getting scarred

and i remember me dying.

i remember the lilac you gave me

and i sob silently.

i remember the denial and

i remember you using girls for their

bodies.

i had zero friends and lost count

of the fresh scars.

sun, oh sun,

why couldn't you hold back?

do you remember the day you gave

me a lilac?

don't you remember the disney

movies or the memories?

please tell me you remember.

i remember you saying no.

you remember the denial, the

refusal, the exhilaration

but not the scars.

don't you love me?

sun, oh sun,

i remember walking in class and

you were still the most beautiful

boy i had ever seen.

but i had just realized your

beauty hid your beast.

sun, oh sun,

i hope you know the smiles

you stole,

i hope you know how it feels

like to be weak.

sun, oh sun,

don't you ever think about me?

about the girl who would

blush silently ever time your gaze

locked her in?

the girl you said was your first love,

the girl who received your lilac?

or the girl who you

manipulated and tampered as you wished?

or the girl who wishes to never

be touched because of your 'pranks'?

sun, oh sun,

i hope the lilacs in your garden

rot, just like my veins did,

i hope the pages in your notebook

tear apart, just like my mind did,

and i hope the rings on your

fingers get lost, just like i lost

myself.