My hands trembled as I typed out another message. It had been nearly a week since Lannan spoke to me. Not that I could blame him. What I did was awful, and although I should have told him, I knew that what he was feeling came from a place of betrayal. Nearly 300 messages later, I finally took into consideration how I would feel had it been him and Ilsa. Absolutely crushed. Worse than that. Shattered. With what happened you'd imagine I'd cut off all communication with Jacob in a failed attempt to win Lannan over, but I didn't. Jacob had been my only friend for the past week. Kath and the rest of Click had sided with Lannan and pretty much cut off all communication. He was their friend. I was just the baggage that came with him.

A notification popped up on my screen for Lannan's channel. I was terrified to click on it. I was terrified to watch the video in fear that he would tell the world how awful I was. But sure enough, it was only a video of him watching absurd videos on TLC. He hadn't blatantly spoken about what had happened between us, but it was clearly written on his face. He now had bags under his eyes. And his eyes were a permanent red now. It was unclear if it were from crying or lack of sleep, but in my mind I knew it was both.

In a final attempt, I dialed his number one more time. I wanted him to answer. I needed him to answer. Even if he screamed and yelled. At least it was better than this deafening silence. After three rings, someone on the other end answered.

"What do you want?" But it wasn't Lannan. No. It was a voice I'd know if it were shouting from mountain tops. Ilsa. "Lannan doesn't want to talk to you." I tried with everything in me to muster up the courage to say something. "But I have to thank you, without your fuck up, he never would have called me. Just do us a favor and let us be happy." And with that, the call ended. I felt the familiar lump in my throat and tried to fight back the tears. This feeling had made my body a home before. Yet, this time, it was my fault. I put myself in the position to lose Lannan, and that's exactly what I had done. The texts, calls, visits, none of it mattered. Because I knew exactly what he was thinking.

He was sinking. In the waves of betrayal and self blame. I knew he blamed himself for opening up to someone who was already so damaged. He wallowed in the feeling of knowing that he did all he could to fix me but I was just a shell. A broken vessel. He blamed himself for opening the door to me and leaving it open just a crack. Because in the end, that's how I made my escape. He knew it was my fault and that he had done nothing wrong. And he could slowly see me in that white dress slipping from his grip. My phone vibrated against my thigh and I quickly looked at it.

I'll be over in five if you wanna talk. Lannan.

And he kept his word. Not even five minutes later he stood in the doorway of my bedroom. His eyes reddened and his hair a mess. Not only did he look awful, I could tell he felt the same way. I watched as silent tears slid down his cheeks and his body lightly trembling.

"Lan." And just like that, he crumbled. His tall frame colliding with the ground. Sobs wracked through his body, jolting it every which way. "Lenny, please." But he was too far gone now. He broke. And it was my fault. I quickly fell at his side and pulled his body close to mine. His head resting against my chest while my fingers tangled tightly in his hair. "Nothing happened. But I'm so sorry I hurt you." But he couldn't hear me. He just needed me there.

"Why him? After everything he did. Why would you let him ruin us?" I continued to cradle him in my arms until he became still. "I still wanna be with you. But only on one condition." He glanced up at me, his honey eyes now darker. "Be honest with me. If you talk to him, just tell me. I don't want the lies anymore." I nodded as his body slumped lazily against mine. And that's how we sat for what seemed like hours. I held him closer than I ever had before because I was afraid if I didn't he would slip away again. Finally, he stood up, pulling me up with him. "Can we sleep?"

Without hesitation I collapsed on the bed, watching as he slowly crawled under the covers. He pulled me closer to him and refused to loosen his grip. He felt the same way I did. If he let up for even a second, I would slip away and he wouldn't be able to find me.

"I'm so sorry, Lan." He rested his forehead against mine and inhaled deeply before answering.

"We all do things we aren't proud of." And with that, he fell asleep. Leaving me to my thoughts.