Lannan smiled up at me from across the kitchen table. Last night had been an absolute train wreck. Ever since our talk last night, I had questioned the integrity of every small smile he managed to throw my way. How can you look at someone you shattered and tell yourself you've been forgiven? How can I cut off all communication with Jacob and tell myself I was doing the right thing? I knew from the bottom of my heart that I was so in love with Lannan. But a small piece of me still wanted Jacob. He had been there for me after all. Even after every horrible thing he did to me, he still came back and helped me through the hard parts.

The only difference between the two is that Lannan never had me questioning where I stood. I never felt the urge to dig through his phone to find the women he was talking to. Because I knew Lenny wasn't that type of guy. He loved me just as much as I loved him, if not more. Breakfast was quiet. It wasn't laughter filled and he barely spoke to me. Although it felt unfair, I knew I couldn't blame him. I had no credibility to blame him. After all, this was all my fault.

"Lenny?" He raised his eyebrows, never looking away from his cereal. "Lannan." Finally, he glanced up. His eyes fully locked on mine now. "I'm truly sorry for what I did." He went to speak, but I hastily put my hand up. "Let me finish, please." He nodded. "I know I should have told you. I had planned on it. Unfortunately someone else beat me to the punchline. I never wanted to hurt you. For fuck sake, you're the one person who has stuck by my side and never questioned me." I could feel the growing lump in my throat, but I continued on. "I love you. And you know that I also love him. But Lenny, there's a difference. I love a version of him that I met in the past. I love the you that you are now. You never had a reason to question my loyalty to you, but I understand why you did. I know how those messages looked from another standpoint. But I love you, Lannan Eacott. I swear to you." The room sat silent for what seemed like ages. I could feel my heart start to race at the thought that he would leave at any second.

"I'm sorry I called Ilsa." And for the first time in a week, I finally felt the impact of his words and his silence. "I never should have. But I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. It was a sickening feeling. I've never felt that way before." He paused leaning back in the wooden chair. "And I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"Did," I paused, nearly unable to finish my sentence. "did you do anything with her?" He shook his head. "Say it."

"No." With that, the room fell back into a heavy silence. The only thing I could hear was my heart beating out of my chest. "I'm filming a video today, so I should get going." I nodded and waited for him to give me a kiss before he left, but all I received was a half-hearted smile and a wave before the front door slammed. He was still hurt. Anyone could see that from a mile away.

The rest of the day was spent with a few texts from Lannan and the overpowering guilt that I still felt. Finally, I knew what I had to do. Since we had been together, we had visited our favorite food truck quite a few times. Surprising him with food wouldn't stitch up every wound, but at least I was trying. I hastily made my way down to the food truck and ordered Lannan's favorite items. After gaming all day, I could only assume how hungry he would be. I arrived at his apartment within minutes. My heart fluttered at how happy he would be to receive my small offering.

With food in hand, I unlocked his door and stepped into the freezing apartment. I set the food on the counter and set off to find Lannan. His bedroom door was cracked just a smidge, so I had assumed that's where he would be, considering there were no irritated screams echoing through the apartment. I slowly opened the door, but what I had found was shattering. Lannan's arm was wrapped loosely around her waist as the two slept. The same bed I had slept in. Clothes thrown messily around the room. I threw my hand over my mouth to contain the gasp that was so desperate to escape. Tears flooded my eyes as I stumbled out of the room. Placing myself on the couch, I waited. I waited for Lannan to wake up and stumble upon me sitting in his living room. I waited for his shitty excuse as to why Ilsa was with him. But most of all, I waited for the pain to stop. With each passing second it seemed to strengthen. Crashing through me like waves.

After what seemed like years, Lannan came walking around the corner. He stopped in his tracks when his eyes landed on me. I knew what I looked like. I could feel the puffiness of my eyes and hair matted to my dampened cheeks. He opened his mouth in an attempt to say something, but immediately closed it.

"I brought food." I said slowly, motioning to the bag sitting on the counter. Lannan stood shamelessly. I watched as he continuously ran his fingers through his hair. "Had I known she was here, I would have brought her something. She can have mine, I don't plan on staying." And at those words, I rose to my feet and attempted my escape. Lan quickly went to block the front door.

"No. You don't get to leave. We need to talk about this." I shook my head trying to pass by him. "I forgave you for what you did!" His voice was now at full volume, which made me stop all motions in track.

"Lenny, what you've done here, is nothing compared to what I did. I texted Jacob. You fucked her." Fresh tears began to run down my cheeks and I furiously attempted to wipe them away. "I was wrong in what I did, and you had every right to be hurt. But you slept with your ex. You looked me in my eyes and told me you love me, only to come here and sleep with her." I could see Lannan's eyes becoming watery, but it didn't matter. Not in this moment.

"Please don't do this." I felt his hand latch onto my forearm and I didn't have the strength to pull away. "I'm sorry."

"Remember when you first kissed me and you said you'd waited so long to do that?" He nodded. "Is that what you thought when you left? Is that what you thought when you tore her clothes off and broke every last piece of this relationship?" He closed his eyes and looked down. "I love you, Lannan. And I'm sorry for what I did. But this was heartless."

"What do you want me to say?" I scoffed at his question. In all honesty, there wasn't much he could say.

"If you love me, move." After a few seconds he moved out from in front of the door and his dropped from my arm. "I'm sorry that you had to walk through fire for me. I guess I never realized how it inconvenienced you. Do you know why Jacob and I broke up?" He shook his head. "He cheated on me with Nikki. Don't you ever talk down on him when you're just as equal." And with that, I stepped into the vacant hallway.

Little did I know that back inside the apartment, Lannan's world was crumbling.