It was around 9:46 and the stars were out , i snugged into Adonis arms as i looked up at the sky looking at all of the stars

I inhaled the smoke and passed by the blunt back Adonis . He grabbed it and looked over at me "what's wrong? What you thinkin about?." He sniffled then inhaled before blowing the smoke into my face.

"My grandmother." I mumbled while grabbing the blunt from him "she died a couple years back from cancer and her diabetes were horrible but it's still fresh in my mind."

"Oh wow baby , I'm so sorry." He wrapped his arms around me tightly and placed a kiss onto my forehead

"I just can't believe he's gone ya kno?." I started to count the stars "everywhere i look i see him every time i close my eyes he's there. I can see her wearing her black slippers with her long beautiful brown dress and her curls hanging on her shoulders and oh those black slippers were her favorite alright." I chuckled "we buried her in those black slippers."

this summer isn't the summer without my grandmother just like the summer from last year and before that . I wanted to go riding around with her and writing poems with her.

we used to watch scary movies together and i would watch her cook all the time . I remember watching Beyonce perform at the super bowl with her and she was so amazed at how she could do all of that in some heels .

I closed my eyes and pictured my self sitting on the bed looking up at the picture of me holding my grandmothers hand

oh how you were so picture perfect to me so i kept you in a frame and that frame was kept in my memory.

"where did you go?." I yelled out as i looked up at her picture.

"Did i really have to grow up without you?." I leaned forward and intertwined my fingers together as i stated at the picture of us hanging ok the wall.

"Am i really alive without you?."

"Are you in the stars? Im looking up at the stars while laying next to Adonis."

"Is it really a god? Do you walk with him or her?."

"Is it strange that i can't wait to meet my fate just to be with you again."

———————

"what are you looking for?." Adonis asked while he took a sip of his orange juice

I searched throughly purse and finally found the pill bottle with no pills in it . I sucked my teeth and threw the bottle back inside the purse while

I leaned back in my seat "fuck." I yelled out "I'm out of my pills."

"You should eat , the food is getting cold." He mumbled while leaning back in the corner of his seat and he placed his drink down

"I'm not hungry." I mumbled

"cmon you need to eat." He pushed the plate towards me

"I told you I'm not hungry." I yelled out while slapping my hands down on the table

he chuckled "well okay , suit yourself. I'll eat all of this by myself then."

I looked over at home while scoffing and then i stared out the window "what's wrong with you miyo." He ate some of the eggs

I was looking for the motherly love my grandmother gave me in every body i came in contact with.

but you will never see me like my grandmother did .

you will never need me like my grandmother did.

it's a black hole in my soul and it's beginning to show through my dilated pupils .

behind lids half closed .

I thought that I'll be fine by now.

but suffering doesn't die.

"You have no idea what's its like for me." I mumbled as i let the tears fall from my eyes.

"Is this about your grandmother?." He pushed his food to the side and looked up at me. "you wanna talk about it?."

"You wouldn't understand." I stated while looking down playing with my fingers

"Why?."

"Because you don't know what pain feels like." I looked up at him while angry filled my eyes.

he shrugged his shoulders "You right , okay I'm sorry." He said lowly "im just trying to help." he reached his hand across the table and tried to grab me but i moved his hand away.

"you can't help me." I yelled while getting up from the seat and rushing out the restaurant , i leaned against the car while looking around at the scenery . I could hear my grandmothers voice but i just wanted it to stop

Pretending to be perfect is perfectly fine.

for all the individuals who are perfectly fine and grew up with money and never fell on hard times and had trust funds and had full time dads. I've never had it easy and it's fuck You if you didn't believe me. And fuck me for crying over spilled milk i never intended on drinking.

Adonis came out and stood next to me "Are you okay?." He folded his arms arms across his chest and leaned back onto the car.

i looked over at him "let's just get outta here."

"Okay." He mumbled"where should we go?."

I shrugged my shoulders "anywhere but here alright?."

we both nodded our heads and got into the car . I grabbed my notebook from off of the dash board and began looking over at the poem book i intended on finishing .

"you want some?." Adonis asked while pulling out a baggie.

"Last time i had those they made me feel weird." I chuckled while grabbing the bag.

"these right here will make you feel great , matter of fact wonderful."

I opened the bag and sniffed "these smells even worse than the last ones." I scrunched up my face and moved the bag away from me

"it'll make you have a lot of fun trust me." He stated while gripping my thigh.

I grabbed a couple and placed them into my mouth and slowly chewed "oh my god , they fucking nasty." I stated while slowly chewing.

he laughed while leaning back in his seat "yummy right?."

"No,yuck." I chuckled while tossing the bag into his lap.

A couple minutes went by and it was dead silent but i started laughing and leaned up "you know i can't feel my face right now." I started laughing while waving my hands around." and that's like crazy. oh my god." I threw head back while slowly running my hands down my face and laughing

I moved my hands in a wave motion and i looked around and everything was in cartoon form "huh" i mumbled while looking over at Adonis as he drove

everything around us was in carton form and it was hilarious as fuck .

how did y'all first time smoking weed or doing shrooms go? comment !!