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[shawn]

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the crumpled photograph that i never failed to carry in my wallet with me was clutched in my fingertips as i sat on the porch steps of my old house, the tears not stopping from rolling down my cheeks. it was the picture of the 4d sonogram that anya sent to me, and i never took it out of my wallet since.

how could she kick me out like that? how could she give up on me that easily? am i seriously that much of a burden that i'm putting my baby's life in danger?

"shawn, dinner," my mum says warmly, pushing open the door to the house, before she lies eyes on me. "oh sweetheart," she says, before crouching down and wrapping her arms around me. i choke out a cry, burying my head into her shoulder as i cry and sob out my feelings. "shhh, calm down shawn."

"how could she?" i hiccup. "i trusted her! i thought we were gonna be okay!"

"shawn, babe, please," my mum says. "calm down."

"mum, no one understands how crazy i am for my girls," i sniffle. "w-what if she won't even let me have that much a big of a part in avery's life? what if she takes full custody?"

"she wouldn't do that to you," my mum compromises.

"she kicked me out of my own condo," i scoff, pulling away and wiping my eyes. "how?"

"look at it this way, shawn, would you rather her stay with her parents or her friends in a cramped up space or have her in comfort?" she asks me. even though i'm incredibly annoyed and heartbroken over anya, i still want her last month to be comfortable.

"her to have comfort," i mutter, admitting the harsh truth. "if she wants comfort i'll buy her a condo in the same block so she can have her space and i can have my condo back. how dare she?"

"well why don't you suggest that?"

"if she'll talk to me," i mumble. "i don't even want to look at her."

"come on, dinners ready. eat, relax for a bit, then sleep. your mind will be fresher in the morning," she tells me.

"no, i'm booking a flight to la tonight. i called andrew and he's getting the studio booked for me. geoff's coming down too. i need to write," i shake my head, standing up. "i need to be as far away as i possibly can be from the mother of my child."

"what if she goes into labour?" my mum asks me, as i shove the picture back into my wallet, putting my wallet into my pocket again.

"we don't even know if she wants me there, knowing her if she sees me there she'll blame me if something goes wrong," i mutter, walking into the house and straight into the kitchen.

"shawn, don't say that," my mum urges.

"don't tell me you guys agree with her and my friends," i say annoyed, sitting down at the dining table next to aaliyah.

"well we don't exactly agree, but we see where they're coming from," my dad tells me. my eyes go wide, and i immediately stand up from the table, fuming with anger.

"none of this is my fault! i explained everything that happened in london, and so fucking what if i trashed the nursery-"

"shawn, language-"

"it's not like it was trashed to the point i couldn't put it back together! because i did, i spent all night and all morning putting it together, a guy came to plaster the wall, and all of a sudden i'm chucked out of my own condo? oh my god, forget this, forget all of this, i'm going to find anya a place to live in the same block and she can stay there so i can have my place back." i explain, breathing heavily, as my family look at me in shock. "i don't care about anything, i just want my child to have a home where she can feel comfortable in, and i want to experience my child's life. so if you think you know where they're coming from, you obviously don't because you won't even try to put yourself in my shoes." i tuck in my chair, before walking out of the kitchen, grabbing my coat, and putting my shoes on.

"wait, shawn!" aaliyah yells, running after me. "i'm coming with you."

"you don't have to-"

"no, i am. it's not fair what they've done to you," she says to me, shoving a pair of shoes on her feet. "you can buy me takeout for dinner." i roll my eyes playfully, before grabbing my suitcase that was still in the landing, and walking out of the house, heading straight to my car.

"i can't believe they would do this to you," aaliyah says to me, getting into the passengers seat. "you've done nothing but be supportive, you aren't stressing her out!"

"thank you for understanding my side of things," i say gently. "i just don't want to be in a toxic environment anymore. everyone around me went against me and i don't know what to do."

"do you love her?"

"more than anything," i mumble. "i can't believe she would screw me over like that."

"wait, you love her? have you told her?"

"yeah, when i left," i say, shifting in my seat as i pull out of the driveway. "it wasn't exactly romantic thought, it was me yelling at her saying i can't believe i fell in love with her."

"do you want a relationship with her?" aaliyah asks me, as i sigh, shrugging.

"ask me yesterday, 100%. today, after what happened, i'm not so sure," i say softly. "how could she do that to me?"

"maybe she's scared, shawn," aaliyah compromises. "i know i shouldn't be saying this, but it's all well and good you asking people to put themselves in your shoes, what about you putting yourself in her shoes?"

i take a moment to think, whilst i pull onto the highway, picking up speed straight away. i guess i was focusing more on how i felt, and didn't look at it through her perspective.

"i guess i should," i admit. "these last eight months have been crazy for her, more crazy for her than for me, i mean, she's pregnant. she's had to carry a baby so early on in her life, and we all know that anya had a life plan," i say. "i guess she is scared, but i am too. i know she wants the best for avery, but what about us?"

"you need to talk to her, shawn," aaliyah says calmly to me. "and not yell, not fight, not blame each other. you need to talk about how you feel, and listen to how she feels. you need to work together, and even if you don't start a relationship with her, you still have to share a responsibility of a child. you need to make sure at all costs, avery is put first. no matter what."

"i will," i nod. "thanks liyah."

she was right, i needed to talk to anya. and this time actually understand how she feels.

-

i could hear distinct chatter from inside, i knew they were all still here. besides, it had only just turned 9, and that was considered early for my friends. aaliyah grabs my keys and unlocks the door, making the chattering go silent almost immediately.

she opens up the door, walking in, me slowly following her, dragging my suitcase behind me, holding the key to anyas old place in my hand. thank god the landlord lived in the same block, and hadn't got anyone to have the place yet.

"uh, hi," i start, leaving my suitcase at the door, and walking into the main room, seeing anya look away from me completely. "guys, could you give us some privacy? go outside," i say to my friends, as they all nod and escape to the balcony, shutting the glass door behind them.

"shawn-"

"i don't want to fight, i don't want to argue, i don't want this to turn into something messy," i say calmly, approaching anya, whilst aaliyah walks around my kitchen, trying to find something to eat. "i want to talk. i want to hear how you feel."

"i- you do?" anya asks me, her voice small and shaky. it's only then when i notice how puffy her eyes are, and how tired she looks.

"have you been crying?" i ask her, as she sighs, nodding her head, looking down at her lap. "anya, please don't cry anymore."

"how can i not? you left and dropped a bomb on me," she says, her voice completely small and squeaky. "y-you love me?"

"i do," i admit. "and because i do, i want to hear exactly how you feel right now. about everything, not just us."

"o-okay," she mumbles, sitting up straighter, and taking a deep breath. "shawn, i'm so scared."

"of what?"

"of everything. what if something happens when i'm delivering? what if she comes out still born? what if something happens to me? what if i get paralysed from the epidural? what if it hurts too much for me to handle? what if we can't cope with a baby? what if i get post natal depression? what if i can't get her to latch on to me? what if there's something wrong with her heart or lungs? shawn, i'm so scared," she says softly, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "a-and between us, i was worried that something was gonna happen, i-i know brian told you about what i felt b-but after last night i knew we weren't okay and i didn't know what to do, i panicked, i'm so sorry," she weeps, letting more tears roll down her cheeks.

"hey, hey, hey," i say, bringing my hands up to her cheeks, wiping away her tears with my thumbs. "breathe. don't cry. nothings gonna happen, okay? you're gonna be fine, avery's gonna be fine, i promise," i say gently to her, as she sniffles, nodding. "i'm sorry i haven't been trying to understand how you feel recently. there's a lack of communication between us, and it really needs to be sorted out."

"i agree," she says. "i'm sorry i kicked you out, it wasn't my place to do so and-"

"it's okay, i understand now. your heads been a mess, and i've probably just made it worse by the things i did," i say to her. "i'm sorry too."

"w-what are we gonna do shawn?" she asks, taking a long breath, as i let go of her cheeks, settling back down on the couch.

"if you want us to live away from each other, that's fine with me. i understand completely why you would want some space between us, and honestly i think we need it," i say, pulling out her keys. "luckily, your old landlord was awake and hadn't given the place to someone else yet, so i managed to get it for you, and i've paid the first six months of rent. you can stay there, and i can stay here, and if you need help, i'll be a knock on the wall away." i hold out the keys, as she smiles sadly, taking them in her hands.

"you didn't have to pay, how much was it? i'll pay you ba-"

"no, there's no need to. i did this for avery, okay?" i say calmly. "between us, well," i sigh. "maybe we should stop whatever it is going on between us while we can. i don't want you to feel uncomfortable, and i don't want us to try to force something just to fix things. we have to focus on avery completely, so i suggest we become coparents, and organise a way we can both look after her without being involved with each other." she nods her head, looking down again. "are you okay with that?"

"y-yeah," she nods. "i am."

"okay," i nod. "you can stay here until you're all packed up and ready to move, okay? i'll sleep in the guest room until then."

"wait- shawn?" anya asks me, making me turn to face her again. "uh, can you kiss me?"

"i don't think that's a smart idea, anya," i say softly to her. "i'm sorry."

"no you're right, ignore me," she mumbles. "i'm gonna go start packing."

"you can do that tomorrow, get some sleep, have a bath. just relax tonight. have you eaten anything?" she shakes her head.

"none of us have, we were about to order pizza," she says, her stomach growling.

"okay, i'll order some pizza then," i say gently to her. "get comfortable, yeah? let me call the guys in."

some part of me still didn't believe she was completely okay with things, but that will be a bridge to cross when we come to it.