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[anya]

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the air felt muggy, not exactly hot, nor cold, just muggy. stuffy. uncomfortable; it was almost pathetic fallacy. i felt exactly how the air was, and it wasn't pleasant at all. there was an air of awkwardness at breakfast, the entirety of us all knowing what happened last night, none of us wanting to even speak about it.

avery had just had her morning feed, and she was quite excited today, seeing everyone around her, waking up with her, and eager to play with her. she was the star of the day, everyday, and today i was more than glad about that because i really didn't want to talk about last night, even thought i knew shawn and i would have to talk at some stage.

things felt even more worse between us.

when i said i wanted to talk before we went, well he went, to sleep, i meant it. i couldn't find sleep after that, it was just on my mind; and it wouldn't leave, it wouldn't give me some peace and quiet so i could actually fall asleep without stress weighing over me.

i could sense that shawn felt how awkward things were too, he kept looking at me all of breakfast, and whenever i looked back at him, he would quickly turn away. i knew he felt bad about things, but i knew he was angry too, and i didn't want to get on the other side of that.

shawn looked tired today.

his eyes were sunken in, slightly puffy and red, and his figure just seemed half asleep. did he not get to sleep like i did? was he just restless? is he feeling exactly how i feel with everything going on?

avery was currently on the floor, a blanket underneath her, and pillows surrounding her, as she gurgled and wriggled about, making everyone around her laugh and stare in awe of the baby simply being a baby in front of them.

she was getting bigger and stronger as the days went on, she wasn't my little newborn anymore, she was growing into a new stage of her life, she seemed older, and more open to everyone around her, and that made my heart swell with pure joy.

even if shawn was actively ignoring me, i knew for a fact that we shared some happiness through her, and that was more than i could ask for in tough times like this.

i sigh gently, getting up from my crouched position, and walking to the kitchen, craving a cool glass of water, needing to feel refreshed almost immediately.

"hey," i almost freeze at the sound of his hoarse voice, wondering why he was talking to me.

"hi," i say, feeling nerves come across me as he stands directly opposite me, taking a seat on one of the bar stools.

"can we talk?" he asks me softly, looking up at me with his tired eyes. his hair looked like a mess too; he was probably fiddling with his curls out of anxiousness more than anything else.

"y-yeah," i nod. "um, let's go outside." shawn nods in agreement, following me to the large sliding glass doors, opening them up, whilst we both sit by the pool, dipping our feet into the cool waters.

"things aren't working between us," shawn starts with, making my heart completely drop to my stomach, and then rise to my mouth. "and you know that."

he was right. he was so damn right, i knew that things definitely weren't working, and whatever was going on between us was too toxic to forget.

"i know that you know i don't want to say that, but we've got to get the truth out in the open and-" he cuts himself off with a small sigh. "i just don't know what to do."

"what are we even doing if we can't get on with each other for more than four months?" i spill out, my throat clenching as soon as the words leave my mouth. "i-" i cut myself off, letting out a bewildered laugh. "i feel like you hate me all over again, and for what? for me just saying that i'm tired? how does that even correlate to you being pissed at me?"

"i don't know," he shrugs, splashing the water lightly. "i don't hate you."

"i know, it just feels like it," i say gently, looking out into the distance. "i just-" i sigh. "do you really mean it when you tell me i look disgusting? because you said i did a few days ago, and i keep looking around everywhere- i mean if you're tired of me, and how i look, there's obviously no physical attraction from you and-" i let out an exaggerated sigh. "i know i'm not exactly the best looking anymore, i've had a baby, i'm not gonna go back to normal-"

"i didn't mean any of that, i was just angry-"

"but why?" i ask him, my voice going small. "why are you annoyed at me?"

"are you talking to other guys behind my back?" he asks me, looking down at me, his voice suddenly getting louder.

"what? where did that come from?" i ask him, feeling hurt that he would think that low of me.

"we haven't been intimate in a while and-"

"that shouldn't matter-"

"you always avoid talking to me for more than a given amount of time, you always try to escape away from me and i-"

"d-do you seriously think i would do that to you?" i murmur, looking straight back at him, as he sighs, looking away, leaning back on his hands and shrugging.

"you tell me," he says simply. "is there another guy? you always hide your phone from me, and you always get fidgety whenever i mention you and i."

"since when do i-" i cut myself off with a sigh, shaking my head and letting a small scoff leaving my lips.

"what?" shawn asks me, completely clueless as to how this is affecting me.

"i-if you don't even trust me," i start, swallowing my breath. "w-what's the point of us even being together?" i feel a lump grow at my throat, before i shake my head, quickly standing up and walking back into the house.

what hurt the most was shawn didn't even bother to follow me back inside.

-

"hey bubba," i whisper softly, playing with avery's hand as she rests on her back, laying over the white duvet in shawn and i's room. "you're such a gorgeous girl, baby," i coo, smiling softly as she looks up at me, her eyes wide and curious. "i love you so much, my beautiful angel, momma loves you so much avery," i say, as she blinks visibly at me, before gurgling a toothless smile at me, reaching her other hand up in the air. "what's up my love? you wanna go downstairs and see what everyone's up to? yeah?" she giggles again, making my heart completely swell, before i pick her up gently, holding her close to my chest, walking out of the bedroom and down the staircase.

"anya brought avery down!" brian tells, catching everyone's attention, before he comes running up to me, taking avery out of my arms. "right, let's go prove to your dad that you love me more than connor." i chuckle softly at the boyish attitude, before shaking my head and walking to the direction of the kitchen, seeing andrew standing at the counter.

"hey kiddo," andrew says to me, as i smile softly, going to greet him with a side hug.

"hey," i mumble, shutting my eyes briefly, as i let go of the hug.

"you don't look so good, anya," he notices, frowning slightly.

"i don't feel good either," i mumble, sitting down on one of the bar stools. "i-is there any chance i could just stay in the bus or a hotel room all day instead of going to shows for the rest of tour?"

"what happened?" andrew asks me, suddenly more concerned than anything. i sigh yet again, placing my hands down in front of me on the table.

"shawn- i-" i cut myself off, letting a sarcastic chuckle leave my lips. "he thinks i'm chatting to other guys, thinks i'm not spending enough time with him, that i'm trying to escape him," i list, scoffing again. "does he know how shit that makes me feel?"

"he said that?" i nod in response, looking down at my hands, fiddling with the ring that rests over my left middle finger.

"how did it get so bad so quickly?" i ask, feeling too numb to even get emotional about it, as i look up at andrew. "he basically doesn't trust me at all, what the fuck do i do?"

"oh anya," andrew says softly to me, sitting down on the stool next to me. "i'm sure it'll settle out soon enough, he's just being dumb and letting tour stress get to him. i assure you with that. he just released another single too, he's probably just stressed about that."

"i-i guess, i just," i pause for a moment, taking a quick breath. "i just thought that this would all be easier, you know, that i wouldn't be as tired as i am. i knew that becoming a mom would have some elements of exhaustion into it, but i just feel numb now, i can't remember the last time i had more than four hours of sleep." i shrug. "i wouldn't take back being a mom for the world though, i love her so much, i didn't realise i'd be able to love someone as much as i love her," i spill, my heart clenching. "i just thought i would get a chance to sleep, and i thought shawn would do some stuff, it's only because of tour that i don't let him, which is fine and also my fault because i know he's tired from being a rockstar every night, and i could never imagine how tired he would be if he had to run on four hours of sleep like me."

"yeah but he's her dad, anya, even if you force yourself to do all the work, you still have to have him do some of it at least. he still has to wake up, it's his job now at the end of the day," andrew tells me, as i sigh, nodding.

"i know- i just-" i cut myself off with a small huff. "i'd feel bad if he couldn't put his all into one show because he's tired, you know?"

"why didn't you just tell me that in the first place?" my heart drops to my stomach as i turn around, seeing shawn standing there, avery in his arms, and a concerned look etched over his perfect features.

"what, so you could think through what you were gonna say to me? so you didn't have to tell me that you want me away from you? or that you don't trust me? because i'm definitely talking to other guys, aren't i?" i shoot at him, seeing him visibly flinch slightly. "why don't i just leave? bet you'd love that, wouldn't you?"

"anya, please," he begs, his eyes going soft as andrew quickly leaves the kitchen, shawn handing him avery on his way out. "why didn't you tell me how you felt?"

"it's not something you can put into a normal conversation," i mumble, looking down at my hands flat on the marble counter.

"i care about you a whole load more than you think i do," shawn says calmly, walking next to me, and sitting on the bar stool andrew was seated at. "why didn't you tell me?" he asks me again, this time his voice quiet and soothing.

"i didn't want to worry you, it would be yet another thing you'd have to think about, and it was better to not tell you at all because that way you could put all your focus into avery and the tour," i explain, keeping it brief because i don't want to even talk to him right now.

"there's more to that and i know it," he tells me gently, placing one of his hands in mine. "what's racing around your head, and making you feel like this?"

"i-i just didn't realise how hard it would be," i admit, looking away from shawn. "of course i knew that being a mom isn't easy, but i didn't anticipate it being this difficult. i haven't slept more than four hours every night for the past three months, and if you count the last month of pregnancy, i haven't slept properly in the last four months, i still haven't lost the bit of weight i gained, i feel massive, my old jeans don't fit me, so i had to buy new ones, i feel ugly, and i feel like i'm not giving you or avery my all, and it kills me because you're my family, and i feel like i can't do anything," i blurt out, my heart racing, and my voice shaky and uneven.

"hey, hey, baby," he whispers, moving his hand out of my grasp, and placing his arm around my waist. "it's okay, you're gonna be okay."

"b-but we aren't," i say gently, pushing out a sad smile, moving away from him slightly. "one thing i've learnt is you don't trust me if you can easily accuse me of cheating and-"

"you know i didnt mean-"

"let me finish," i say softly, taking a small breath and looking up at him. "you wouldn't accuse me of cheating if you fully trusted me, and that just shows me that you think i'd actually do that to you."

"i'm sorry," he whispers, his eyes completely soft and saddened. "i'm so sorry."

"it's okay," i say, reaching over to hold onto his hand. "i love you shawn, i really do, but like i said, if you don't trust me, what's the point of us even trying?"