A/N: I'm so sorry for not updating in a while. Been going through some stuff. I'm so sorry if this terribly written. Really.

+

"you'd have to kill calum, ashton."

oh.

"couldn't i go to jail for that?"

"no. it's just in your brain, i promise. you'll wake up as soon as he's dead."

i sigh, fumbling with my fingers nervously, "that's the only way?" i ask. michael hesitates, but nods, wiping some tears away while doing so. if it's just in my brain, why is he so upset?

"why can't i just, like, stop being his friend. why do i have to kill him?"

michael chuckles, but i can tell it's not genuine. "you have to physically push away the thoughts of you wanting to die. you assigned calum to hold those thoughts. and that means the easiest way to wake up is to kill that part of your brain; also known as calum."

"so there's really no way out of this unless i kill him?" i ask. michael only nods as he looks down at his hands, fumbling with them mindlessly.

"that's fucking stupid." i mumble.

he scoffs, "you're telling me."

we just kinda sit their in our own sorrow until we actually remember we have to tell calum about this whole thing. and luke. possibly charlie.

"i'll...i'll call calum." michael says. i don't know what else to do but nod. he i don't know what he's going to tell calum, but i really also don't wanna know.

i find myself wiping tears away from my face as i think of we'll have to do to calum. quick and easy, just quick and easy. fuck, who am i kidding? there's nothing easy about killing someone. how am i even going to go about this? how am i going to build up the fucking confidence to do this?

i have no idea.

a few minutes later, michael walks back into the living room, but this time he avoids all eye contact with me. i can still see his eyes, though. i sigh when i see they're very red and puffy. i don't comment about it.

"he's, um, he's on his way over. he doesn't know about any of this, so just do it now and get it over with."

my eyes widen, "now? michael, i-"

"do it now or don't do it at all!" he says, shouting at me. i can understand why he's tempermental, so i don't tell him to calm down. i get up off the floor and, slowly, walk over to him. he looks so stressed, i feel bad for him. he covers his face with the palms of his hands and when i hear quiet sobs leave his mouth and tears run down his face, i hug him. i don't care that he doesn't hug back, i just wrap my arms around his shoulders and hug him.

i don't know if you understand how real all of this feels. even though it's all in my mind, i can feel the pain michael's feeling. and it's a bad pain that i've never experienced. and i don't like it. and i don't want michael to feel it, so i might as well get this over with. i'm just glad this is a dream, because i'm really not fine at all.

"how-how are you gonna do it?" he asks, pulling his hands away from his face. i remove my arms from his shoulders and and look slightly up at him, since he is a bit taller than me.

"i don't know."i reply honestly, "what's...quick?"

"a gun." he replies quickly. i scoff.

"yeah, right, because even fucking mr. rogers owns a gun these days."

he rolls his eyes, wiping his eyes quickly and pulling himself together, which surprises me. "charlie owns one. protection purposes, don't ask questions. just let me go get. keep calum here. please don't tell him about any this."

i try to process what he just said quickly, "um, okay." i say. michael sighs, and quickly walks out the door, not even bothering to shut it.

i close my eyes and sit down on the floor once again, trying to process everything that's about to happen. michael's going to get a gun, calum's going to be oblivious to everything, and luke-- where even is luke?

"ashton?" i hear a voice say, then it comes to mind. there's luke.

i look up to see luke a with a worried expression on his face. i sigh and send him a small smile. even though things are bad right now, he never fails to make me smile. just by being him.

"sit with me, luke." i say. he nods and sits beside me on the floor.

"what's going on, ash? are you okay? what did michael say?" luke asks.

"i have to kill calum, luke. kill him. actually stop his heart from beating!" i shout. luke's eyes widen, he's obviously just as shocked as i am.

"how are you...how are you gonna do it?"

"m-michael wants me to use a gun but, luke, i can barely call him a dick without feeling bad, how am i going to do this?! i can't!"

"do what?"

my head snaps to the door and my eyes widen when i see calum standing there. wearing his usual black sweater and black skinny jeans. his hair not messy, but not brushed either. i sigh when i see how innocent he looks. he really doesn't deserve this. he's such a little puppy, i can't do this to him. but, after all, it's just in my head; this is all just a dream. everything is going to be okay.

"um, nothing." i quickly say, getting up off the floor and smiling as best i can. "here, um, sit down. michael should be back soon." i say. calum gives me a strange look, but sits down on my blow up mattress next to luke, his back towards the door.

"it'll be okay." luke says, before him and calum start their own a little conversation. i don't really know about what since my head is going crazy. i don't really think it's sunk in with luke yet that i'm gonna have to shoot calum because they're laughing about whatever it is they're talking about and making jokes and they just look so happy and that's just what makes it all the worse. killing someone. damn, never thought i'd do that.

michael walks in minutes later, and immediately stops in his tracks when he sees calum sitting on my bed. my eyes widen when i look down at his left hand and see a small gun, which he immediately stick in his back pocket of his jeans and covers with the back of his shirt, then enters the room."hi guys." michael says, sounding as his normal self, while i'm basically having a small panic attack.

calum's entire facial expression lights up when he sees michael and i try my best not to physically awe. "hi babe." calum says, putting an arm around his waist as michael sits down. i smile at the small gesture and calm down a bit. michael tries to smile, but it quickly is replaced by a frown, and it all happens so fast, but he's crying. again.

"calum, i'm so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry." michael says through his tears. calum looks beyond confused, and luke is just watching this all happen.

"for what? michael, what are you talking about?" calum looks at michael with so much worry and sadness. it's like calum's mood depends on how michael feels.

"i'm really sorry." michael says, then, before i can even process anything;

bang.

+

a/n; this was shitty and lazily written lmao oh well sorry