"Hailey!"

I could faintly hear my mother calling from downstairs. The slim rays that managed to find their way through the blinds of my window tickled my nose with its warmth and light. Making me scrunch it and turned to my other side. My eyes still closed and heavy.

This is like the third time she'd called for me to wake up, but it was Saturday. Today was my free day. Nothing was pushing me to stand from this comfy mattress other than her high pitched voice turning impatient with time.

The whole night I'd been tossing and turning. Well, actually, not only tonight. For some ridiculous reason, catching sleep had been an impossible mission lately. Too many thoughts overpowered my mind and what I thought would be a simple decision turned into a curse.

It had been two days since the... fight? I don't know how to call it exactly.

Nate had been giving me the space I asked for and I was glad he did, but at the same time I got this constant scratching at the back of my head that told me that he was way too comfortable with this break.

Maybe he did mean that we weren't involved. If I didn't mean anything to him, he must not be missing me.

Not like myself, who'd been stupidly yearning to call him and take it all back but what was the point? This ridiculous feeling wouldn't just go away, and being in a physical relationship with someone I was starting to care so much for was like tying the rope around my own neck.

The stupid quarrel kept replaying in my mind when I let my guard down.

"That's what we'd agreed, but I don't want this anymore."

There was a shattering silence after those words left my mouth, the only things I could focus where how loud my heart was hammering and the increasing pressure in my chest.

I can't believe I just said that. I can't believe we are standing right here after how promising the day was going an hour ago.

But there was another part of me -a small one- that clapped proud for finally having traced the line about his perks on this deal. I thought I would be coping better with all this, but I couldn't stand knowing something so intimate for me had been just some other for him. That he probably was doing this with someone else a day ago.

Yeah, I was naive and innocent and whatever, but if I was developing this... churning for him, I couldn't stand being dismissed like he just did in the bar. Like he would always do, because -in his own words- he didn't want to date me. At all. And maybe I didn't want to date, but I sure as hell wanted to feel reassured, wanted...

More than anything I wanted to feel like I was enough.

Once more I wasn't more that a physical distraction, just like with Justin. They'd never want me for anything more than that. I wanted for once to be with someone who valued me for me, who seek my company but not just for the kissing, also because he wanted to know what I have to say, what my likes were, my dreams, my fears. I realized too late that looking for that with a 'just kissing' deal was like shooting myself in the leg.

Realization felt as if something scratched my chest open. All this time I'd put myself in the fireline with just hope as my blind shield.

And I had no one else to blame but me. The conditions had always been over the table.

I'd been so foolish.

"But..." Nate was shaking his head, as if he couldn't believe this conversation was taking place. Well, neither could I. I hugged my middle, the coldness suddenly ten times worst. My jumper no longer available to keep it all away as I felt it sink deep in my bones. "But-"

"I don't." my eyes welled up against my best intentions. "And I'm sorry, this is my fault. I know it. I thought I could be like this, but... I can't." I took another step back.

"No, Hailey, come on..."

"What's going on?" I didn't know if I was more relieved or ashamed at Olly's sudden voice as he appeared coming from the bar as well, probably to check on us after such a departure. "Hails?"

"Nothing." I immediately wiped the embarrassing moisture of my eyes and looked away from Nate unreadable expression to Olly guarded one. "Can you take me home?"

"Sure."

"Wait, no." Nate, snapped out his confused shock and furrowed his brows, closing the gap between us again, his eyes so intense it hurt to look back. "I was taking you and we're talking."

But I didn't think I could hold a proper conversation in the vulnerable state I suddenly found myself in. I was hurt, I felt dejected, and stretching this right now would only end up badly.

"Let's give us- this. "I quickly corrected, every word rasping my throat like sand. "Let's give this a break..." I mumbled. I could feel the overpowering numbness filling me like an ache and I didn't want to crumble before him. I'd already made enough a fool out of myself.

We were nothing. He made it damn clear. And as much as I loved some perks of this deal, I had to think this through. Was I willing to keep going now that the cards were all spread? Was I willing to shove my growing feeling down? I wasn't sure I could, yet I'd grown so used to Nate that the idea of cutting him out now was too much to contemplate. My head was about to explode.

The quarterback, oblivious of my ragging mindset, shook his head and parted his lips as if to say something but in the end nothing came out. A bitter disappointment shrugged its way through my chest. Well, I guess that's it.

I waited for another second; but when he failed to say anything else, instead just stare back at me, I get it as if he wasn't going to. My gaze met Olly's once more and he nodded towards his car, parked some places away.

But then as I went to pass him Nate snapped out his muteness and took my hand in his. My traitorous heart racing at the way his fingers wrapped around mine and this time when I met those green eyes he did speak:

"Do you want this to end?" his voice, tight and kinda hurt... but that must be just me reading signs where there weren't again.

"End what?" I stressed out with a humorless laugh. "You're not involved with anyone."

That successfully cut him down, that strange intensity swirling under his orbs and made my chest churned all the more. His grip on my hand clenched for a moment before going loose and letting go as if I just burned him. His attention shifted to our side, glaring the nearest lamppost. "Right."

I could feel my heart fraying. I knew it.

Olly's car beeped as he unlocked it, but instead of getting in, my friend opened the driver's door and held on it, looking over with that guarded pose that look so foreing on him. I sent one last look at Nate, doing the first step backwards towards the vehicle and feeling the growing distance felt heavily between us.

"I just... need to think it through."

His jaw was set, and he didn't meet my gaze. The way his shoulder tensed and fist balled at his sides... I couldn't tell what he was thinking and it only added to the twisting of my guts.

Once more, he didn't say anything and my eyes sting at the meaning of that sentencious silence. With one last look, I finally turned my back to him and towards Olly, each step felt like a nail to my heart.

This was for the best.

Yet it hurt.

And I felt dumb because this was exactly what I was running from when I started things with Nate, and now losing him had been harder than I first expected. I hadn't realize how much time we actually spend together until he granted into my petition to him giving me space to think. Not like it'd helped.

The past couple days had been cool, I guess. Some people keep gossiping after the little scene in front of part of the team the other day, but pretty much everything had gone back to normal.

My small group, the usual spots we hang out... I pretty much felt average again, until the moment when we would cross paths in school. Nate completely ignored me. Flat and straight walking pass me every time we did.

And it hurt so much.

Sometimes I would feel his stare in the back of my head, but the moment I turned he was smiling to his friends. To his other girls. I'd seen him around Trish the whole week, not explicitly doing anything but I know they did. And it'd spread across the school rumors of the it-couple forming again. Today's party at Trish's being the trigger.

And that hurt even more.

I mean, yes, we weren't anything -nor had ever been. But the fact that he didn't even considered the chance of making things with me a bit more stable, yet was happy to jump back into an actual relationship that'd already been spoiled before; burned within me.

But well, Trish Palmer was and will always be a better choice than me. Just like with Justin, Karen'd always been the right choice. Maybe I was just made to be the other girl. Someone to have there, but not to commit to. Maybe I just-

"Hailey!" I flinched at new yell, kinda irritated now, that snapped me out my thoughts once more.

"I'm up!"

I rolled to my back and rose the covers to my nose, sinking once more in the comfortable clouds of dreamland. I faintly heard the door cracking open and footsteps getting closer. I groaned when the mattress dipped as another body sat by my waist.

"Just five min-"

"Always so lazy." the newcomer sniggered. A deep, known voice I wasn't expecting at all and I'd missed way too much. Can't be. My eyes snapped open immediately to meet his smile. "Miss me, sis?"

"MATT!" I struggled with the duvet, pushing it aside clumsily and pounced into his waiting arms in a matter of seconds.

He laughed and hugged me back as I squeezed him tight, my chest warming and loosening tension at once. Sleepiness and self pity fading in the corner of my mind like they were never there. Matt was here! I'd missed him so, so much... Now having him here was, like, I don't know. Reassuring. Like a pillar was back to stable my life.

"Oh my God!" I almost cried out. "When have you arrived?"

"About an hour ago. Mom said to let you sleep since you had a rough week or something on that line."

I pulled away to take a look at him. It'd been almost two months since I last saw him face to face and he was pretty much the same. Maybe more build, I guess because of the intense training they must be giving him now that he was in the Ivy League. I noticed the slightly creased clothes he had on and the tiredness in his gaze as much as he hid it with that easy-going smile of his.

"You've driven all the way here?" I questioned warily. I knew it was a five hour trip and it can be exhausting, but again he brushed it off with that positivity he naturally seemed to pour.

"I take turns with Sawyer, don't worry."

"Sawyer?" I frowned at the foreign name.

"A friend." he shrugged, covering a yawn with his fist. "He's come with me. We'll only be staying for the weekend, you know?"

"Oh." I couldn't help the disappointment knowing he'd be gone again so soon.

"Yeah, and we have a tight schedule, so get up already, sis." he patted my leg and nodded for me to do just that.

"Schedule?" I huffed and instead of complying I found myself laying back into the mattress once more. "Matt, please. You literally come two days and still have a schedule?"

"How else would I be able to plan everything? And what are you exactly complaining miss I-need-to-program-every-second-of-my-day."

"My week day. It's Saturday!"

"And I need things to be done. Sawyer and I were planning to go to the mall, to equip ourselves, you know? Mom and the twins will be at that birthday party and I thought you might want to come with us, since, well; I won't be here too long."

I cringed at his last remark. "Stop saying that."

"I..." he sighed, taking squeezing my shoulder and spreading these tingles of brotherly love that I missed so much. "Look, sis, as much as I'd love to have more time, college and the game is kinda abducting." at my pout he drawned a kind grin. "We need to buy some stuff and I want to introduce him to my old friends. Why don't you come?"

"With your friends?"

"I was hoping you'd come with so at least we could hang out a little." I hesitated. As much as I love Matt, his friends were far from the circle I usually move with. All popular, and athletes and... Well, now that I think of it, maybe they weren't that different from certain people I'd been hanging out with lately. He frowned childishly at my second of doubt. "Why not? Brought yours. It's not like we don't know each other."

Also true. And I really wanted to spend time with him. Before he gets to disappear some other unknown period of time. So I found myself sliding off the bed with a lazy groan. "Fine."

And his smile beamed contagiously, before it shifted to malicious. "Great. You look like you could use some distraction and that way you could tell me about this guy mom was talking about."

"What?" my cheeks burned at the sudden turn this had taken and at his knowing gaze I cleared my throat. "What are you talking about?"

"You tell me."

"I-I have nothing to tell you." but he smirked at the excuse, baffling me.

"Your lip twitched at the side whenever you lie." he pointed to the corner of my mouth and I slapped his hand away, mortified. Matt chuckled the more I blushed. "Come on! Who is he?" his head tilted. "Mom only says he's from school and that your sulking is probably for him."

"I'm not sulking!" but it fell on deaf ears.

"Does he treat you well? Do the twins know him? Should I worry? Did you-"

"Matt."

"Just tell me. I want to know about your boyfriend."

Boyfriend. I almost grimaced at the word, knowing that was probably the furthest of what Nate was or would ever be to me. He loathed commitment to a point I hadn't seen it coming.

I thought it was all his player attitude, but again, he wasn't exactly a fuck boy. He didn't tie down, but didn't go around sleeping with randoms, he just happens to have a select group of girls for him to choose from.

Now put it that way it sounded even worse than I thought. The possibilities of me going back to it were getting thinner by the second.

But of course, I couldn't say any of that to my brother. So instead I adverted my gaze to cover the blush and brushed it away.

"He's not my boyfriend." it came out more hastily that I intend and I shook my head. Get over it already! I brushed my hair away, taking a deep breath. "In fact, he's not my anything. It's over. And I don't wanna talk about it."

"Hey, okay." his voice was gentle now and in a second he was up and hugging me again. The security I felt in his arms was something I surely never get over with. My lids fell, leaning into his hold and allowing myself to relax. "I didn't mean to pry too much." he muttered into my hair. "I just hate that now that you're more exposed I'm not around to protect you. Like with this mysterious not-boyfriend of yours."

"I can take care of myself, thank you very much. You don't need to scare a poor guy away."

"So he's a coward, uh?" he pressed and I giggled, nudging his shoulder and he moved towards the door with a frustrated groan and raised hands. "Okay! I won't bug." he stopped by the door's frame, half in and half out. His lips stretched in a taunting smirk "Until you get ready at least. Come on, sis. We don't have all day!"

The mall was fine, some fun time with Matt and his friend, Sawyer, who turned up to be pretty cool as well. It felt almost like old times.

He updated me about his college and I did the proper with life here... not everything of course. Matt was awesome, but he still my big brother. If he knew the soap opera my sentimental life had become lately there was a huge chance his protective side kicked in and that was the last thing I needed.

We got them all they needed and I show them the Ice-Shop where I work. My co-worker, Annie, had to almost literally pick her jaw from the floor when I introduce her two college guys. As we went to exit the place she held me back by the arm.

"Is that your brother?" she whispered so they guys didn't catch it as they keep walking out.

A proud smile tugged my lips. "Yep."

"Damn," I could almost see the hearts forming in her eyes. Matt had that effect on girls. A natural charmer, never underestimate the appeal of the golden boy. "How come I've never met him before?"

"Different schools?" I shrugged. "And he's in college now so he's not around anymore."

"Can I get his number?" she blurted almost without thinking, his eyes still trailing after them, and her cheeks reddened as soon as she did. "I mean, if it's okay?"

"Um, I don't know..."

"Please, please. In my school they're all preppy teens. Those two... Well, I know what college to choose." I rolled my eyes, amused at her awestruck. "Please. I'll do your next two weekends."

For real? I didn't hesitate now. "Deal." her eyes lighted up and we both turned when we heard my name, seeing Matt through the glass wall pointing his wristwatch and Sawyer strolling through his phone by his side. "Mm, okay, gotta go now. I'll send you the contact later. Two weekends, Annie."

"Yes! I love you!"

Prostituting my brother's number... now that's a promising business I'd never contemplated before.

I laughed exiting the shop, but immediately stopped at the sharp ache that burned on the side of my skull. It's been like this ever since we left the farm. My lack of rest was kicking in and the pounding in my head I'd dealt with these past days was getting worst.

Matt frowned when I reached them. "What took you so long?"

"I was just negotiating my way off work next couple weekends."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, you'll find out."

He eyed me suspiciously for another moment, but then shook his head and look down at his watch away. "Come on, we're meeting the others in five, and we still all the way across from there. Are your friends coming as well?"

"Vickie and Olly are." I nodded, brushing my head, but the pounding didn't stop. "Do you have an Advil or something?"

"On me? No. Why?"