I swirled my hand across the page like a mad woman in my attempt to complete my IT exam before the bell rang. I glanced around the rest of the room to see mostly everyone else in the exam were in the same position as me.

It had been another six weeks since I last saw Blake and as long as it felt being away from Blake, I had been kept busy studying for my end of year exams. Today was my final one and my eyes had bags hanging around them from all the study that I had been doing the last few weeks. I was finding it difficult to concentrate for my exam today because today was the day that Blake was going to be released from his twelve-week intensive mental health program at the hospital.

He was coming home today; I was going to see him again. I dropped the pen from my hand when the final bell rang signalling the end of the exam and I breathed out a sigh of relief, I was done. Lisa met me outside of the exam room after we had finished and she looked just as rattled as me.

"I wish that I was a porcupine," I groaned, running my hands down my face.

Lisa raised her eyebrows, "I see the appeal, just grow your hair out on your legs and live in the forest for the rest of your life and you could pass as one."

"It's really great to know that you think it's possible for me to pass as a porcupine," I grumbled and Lisa laughed.

"Did you finish the exam?" She asked, after a laughing fit.

"Nope, my brain stopped working an hour in," I explained.

"Feels," Lisa agreed, tilting her head to the side and breathing out heavily. I glanced at her fully for the first time today to see that she had bruises under her eyes as well and was moving slower than normal. She looked absolutely exhausted, I knew how much she studied for exams, she was worse than me with being a studying maniac.

"How have you been? Do you want to go for some ice cream? We deserve it after that horror," I offered with a lopsided smile, trying to cheer her up. Actually, I needed cheering up as well.

"I'd love to but I am helping plan the orphanage fundraiser this afternoon," she declined with apologetic eyes.

"Oh, that's right," I remembered clicking my fingers together. Lisa was a border at the school so she is friends with a lot of the kids that used to be a part of the orphanage. They are holding a fundraiser so they can open up another orphanage in the area as so many kids have resorted to living on the streets in the area because they didn't want to go into the foster system and now don't have anywhere to live.

"You will be there won't you?" Lisa asked hopefully. "Yes, definitely, it's, tomorrow right?" I had to wrack my memory to remember, I had completely forgotten.

"Yeah," she smiled and I made a promise to myself that I would be there no matter what is going on in my life, I have been neglecting my best friend lately because of Blake and studying.

After parting with Lisa, I drove back home in the pouring rain, my windscreen wipers speeding past my vision to keep the rain from obstructing my sight. Each minute I drove closer to home I became more and more nervous. Blake will be there when I got home, he will be waiting for me.

My fingers tapped on the steering wheel as I imagined how the reunion will go, would Blake kiss me and hug me like he did in his hospital room all those weeks ago? Or would he be cold again? That was my biggest fear that something would happen that would make him push me away again. But I had to trust him and trust that he was sincere when he said he loved me; he wouldn't want to hurt me again.

My heart started speeding up when I turned onto my street and then was hammering by the time, I pulled into my drive way. I took a deep breath to steady my breathing and calm myself down, it's only Blake. I opened the front door with shaky hands and slowly peaked around the house trying to find him. He wasn't in the kitchen or living room so he must be in our room. The door was open so I softly pushed my way through, my heart soaring in anticipation of seeing him. But my stomach sunk when I saw that he wasn't in our room.

Where must he be then? I crept over to his side of the room, opening the screen further between our rooms to see he wasn't there either. But my vision was drawn to a red piece of paper that was sitting on his bed with my name written on the front. I tilted my head to the side in confusion, why was he sending me a letter? Was he trying to be romantic? Didn't seem like him to be romantic. With a bewildered frown between my forehead I grabbed the letter and opened it.

When I read the words on the paper my heart sank and my breathing stopped all together and it felt like the floor just crumbled from under me. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor, grasping onto Blake's bed for support. I couldn't believe my eyes, my heart refused to believe it, Blake had left another suicide note.

i'm so sorry rose, i love you so much, so much you will never know. but i can't do this anymore, your love is not enough, i Hate mysELf more than i love you. mum and dad, Please don't blame yourself, you have done so much for me. i love you all, blake xx

I started hyperventilating and tears welled in my eyes and dripped onto the floor. I gasped for air, sobbing wildly.

"No," I wailed, raising my hand onto my mouth, this can't be happening. My mind was a mess but I pulled out my phone from my pocket and called Blake's number through my confusion. The call rang out and I started gasping and sobbing again. Maybe I wasn't too late, maybe I could stop him again. And I knew where he would be, I knew where he would do it. I jumped to my feet and sprinted out to my car.

I was numb as I drove, not like last time where I was a mess, this time I was already dead inside. I drove fast but not dangerously. I skidded up onto the gravel road that lead to the old abandoned railway bridge. Pelting from the car, my legs pumped fast as I ran up to the bridge where Blake had his last suicide attempt.

My heart sank when I saw that there wasn't a figure of him up there this time. Maybe he went somewhere else this time. I still ran right up to the bridge and steeling my mind I stepped up to the edge of the bridge to look over the side into the river below. My stomach swirled with nausea and my head spun as a dizzy spell wracked me when I saw Blake's jumper lying on the rocks in the river below. He was here.

Sprinting as fast as my body could take me, I descended the steps that ran down the hill to the river below. Emerging at the river bank I ran up to the rocks where I saw his jumper, needing to stealthily step from rock to rock to reach his jacket. And when I arrived there the contents of my stomach came to the surface and I vomited into the river. Right beside the jumper was blood. Covering the rocks was splatters of blood right on the dangerous rocks.

His blood, that was his blood, which was directly below the bridge above. I collapsed onto the rocks and dug my head into knees, hyperventilating, crying. He jumped. Blake jumped. But I couldn't see his body anywhere, my heart livened again for a moment when I thought that maybe he might have survived the jump. I sprung up to search but he wasn't anywhere. Maybe his body fell from the rocks into the river and he was washed away.

I couldn't breathe, I crumbled to my knees again and rocked from my heels to my toes and held my head in my hands. I needed to do something, I needed help. I grabbed my phone out from my pocket and called triple zero.

"I am at the Victoria bridge, my boyfriend left a suicide note and now he is missing, there is blood on the rocks below the bridge. So much blood," I panted, saying my words so fast I didn't even know if I was pronouncing anything correctly.

"The police and ambulance are on their way. Can you see him anywhere?" The woman on the phone spoke calmly and I wanted to scream at her.

"No, he is gone, just so much blood." My head started spinning and I fell sideways onto a rock, my chest was moving so fast up and down I couldn't get any oxygen into my lungs.

"What is your name?" The woman asked. It took me a moment to realise she had spoken and asked me a question.

"Rose, he used to call me Rose, but he jumped off a bridge," I blabbed, resting my forehead onto the rocks and closing my eyes as my vision had become blurry as well.

"Rose you are in shock; I need you to move away from the rocks and return to your car okay?" The woman encouraged softly but sternly.

"No, I need to find him," I disagreed and shut my phone off. I needed to find him, maybe he might not be dead yet if I found him. Swaying from side to side I walked up the river bank searching everywhere for him, searching the water for his upside-down body. My vision was blurry because I still wasn't breathing properly, I needed to take multiple rests to dig my head into my knees and I wanted to stay there in the darkness. But I needed to find him.

I stood up and continued searching. After a few minutes I heard sirens. But I kept searching, wandering around looking for him, for his black hair. And a few moments later an ambulance officer found me and police men started emerging onto the scene. The ambulance officer stood in front of me, but I couldn't see her face as my vision was still impaired.

"Rose, are you Rose?" The paramedic was talking to me, but it was like she was on another frequency.

"I need to find him," I mumbled and pushed her to the side, continuing my search.

The paramedic watched me for a few moments and was about to intervene again but then someone else was grabbing onto my shoulders.

"Rose," my mother cried. She pulled me into her arms. I saw the panic and pain on her features and that was when reality finally came crushing down on me, I lost that haze and I realised that Blake had attempted suicide again. I began sobbing, wailing and I stopped breathing again. When the agony of it all became too much to take, my vision started to become black and I passed out.

***

I woke up in my bed. I don't remember how I got there. My eyes were puffy so my vision was blurred and I had a headache that was cracking my skull open. But I did remember vividly why I was in that state, it was like I was asleep but even in my unconsciousness I knew that Blake was gone, there was no escape from the pain.

A new wave of agony hit my chest like a wrecking ball and I gasped for breath clutching my hands to my stomach. Tears spilt from my eyes in waves and I had no control to stop them. I sobbed and sobbed curling into myself, just trying to breathe. I stayed in that position for a long time crying my heart out. I felt helpless and broken, even if Blake was found alive which the chances were so slim now it was nearly impossible.

The reality is he had attempted suicide again even after all his treatment and after we were together. I knew that even if they found him alive there was no hope for him anymore, he was just going to try again. After I cried all my emotions out, I tentatively stood up on shaky legs and went outside to see find mum to see if there were any new developments, to see if they had found his body overnight.

When I walked into the kitchen I was greeted with a scene. The police were here, they were all seated around the dinner table talking. Two police officers were asking my mother questions, I noticed that Blake's parents were missing from the scene.

"Oh baby," was the first thing my mother said when she saw me, she jumped up from her seat and rushed over to me. She enveloped me into a hug and I wrapped my arms around her and allowed the small comfort from my mother. She pulled away to hold my shoulders in her hands and her eyes searched my face, worryingly. I didn't know what to say so I dropped my eyes.

"Rose, do you mind if the police read Blake's letter?" Mum asked me hesitantly, softly. My dropped eyes snapped upwards to look at her. I was filled with panic at giving away his letter, it was the last thing I had of him, his last thoughts.

"Can I have it back after please?" I pleaded, my flickering eyes moving from the police officers to my mother.

"Yes, I will scan it right now," the police officer with a grey beard and pointed nose appeased. My chest deflated and I handed over his suicide note to the officer who used his phone to scan it. I wrapped my hands around my stomach as nausea swelled within me at the thought of learning the answer to my next question, but I needed to know.

"Have you found him?" I asked quietly. The officer looked up from Blake's note and his eyes filled with sympathy. My heart fell out from under me from that look. My mum took a step closer to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders, I leaned my weight into her.

"No, he is still missing. We have a search party looking for him," the officer explained. I guess that wasn't as bad as I expected. But the deadness in my chest was still just as painful as if I had been told that they had found Blake's body, because Blake wanted to die and he would just kill himself again.

"But I think you should prepare for the worst, the blood on the rocks was confirmed as Blake's blood and we have divers looking for his body in the river," the officer admitted with a grim line to his mouth and apologetic downturned eyes.

I collapsed forwards out of my mother's arms and grasped the chair in front of me in both my hands so tightly my hands turned white. I closed my eyes as the pain washed through me, it swirled around my insides like a chain, constricting my vital organs. Constructing my breathing and my heart.

"Are you okay, Rose?" My mum worried reaching out for me when she saw my state. The concern in her features made me pull myself together, I can break apart when I am alone.

"Yes, I just need to sleep," I commenced, rubbing my eyes.

"Okay, your sister and Lisa called to see how you are, I told them both you need some time to process it all." I nodded back at her in thanks, I couldn't move my body much more. I retrieved Blake's letter from the officer and left the room with the letter cradled to my chest.

"I will be right here if you need me," my mum called to me lovingly. I turned around and used all my energy to smile at her. Barely holding me weight up I walked into my room and collapsed onto the side of my bed. I dropped my head into my bed sheets and began crying into them. My body couldn't keep me upright anymore and I tumbled off the bed, my sheets falling with me and I curled into a ball on the floor.

The reality of the situation solidified in my mind and those repercussions wreaked havoc in my heart. I lay there balling my eyes out for a very long time before I slipped in and out of consciousness for the rest of the day. I didn't even realise the day was passing, I was between a dream and reality as I heard the tv sound from the lounge room. It was all over the news, the search for Blake. I listened numb, broken, unfeeling as I waited curled up in a ball on the floor of my room, helpless and lost.

It was starting to become dark through my curtains, a day had passed since I found his letter, he had been missing for a day. And I hadn't moved from this spot on the floor. I pulled out his suicide letter, and read it over and over. He said his love for me wasn't enough, he hated himself more than he loved me. But he didn't say that last time we were together, he said he loved me more than he hated himself. He said he would endure through anything if it meant not hurting me again.

So why would he say this now? It didn't make any sense. He was getting better, he seemed happy. I read the words again and again and again. After half an hour of reading it, I noticed something. This suicide note was different to his last one, his handwriting and grammar was different.

In this letter he had spell out a few random words in capital letters and not where they were grammatically supposed to be. But Blake was good at spelling and grammar, why would he use incorrect grammar? I pieced together the words that were capitals and when I did, I gasped in shock.

The only captain letters on the page spelt out, HELP.

***

Another chapter is here!! The day has arrived! Haha they are so rare now, I'm sorry. But the story is getting closer to the end now.

Please let me know your thoughts on the book, how it's going so far, what you think will happen next :)

Thank you all so so much for reading!!!

Much love, Elaine Xx