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Dream

I've only one dream.

A dream to be with my Maan for the rest of my life. To be with his name for the rest of my life. To be loved by him for the rest of my life.

BUT everything has changed now. I don't wanted to be with him. I don't wanted to attach to his name. I don't wanted his love. Cause he broke me to the extent that I couldn't bring myself to think about love by him or ANYONE.

I don't want love now. I want peace. But little did I know divorcing maan wasn't going to give me any kind of peace.. but adding pain in my already miserably life. Cause after that his name would be no more attached to me. I will never be hana rahmaan Mirza anymore. After all my life I called my self hana rahmaan mirza.. how can I get over with this. But I know I have to. There is no way I'm going to give him a second chance. Cause my faith on this relationship has died. And I have to be strong. I have to be. For the sake of my baby.

"I have to be" I whisper and sat on the bed.

"Why you did this to me Maan? I loved you so much that I know i can't forget you all my life. what was my fault that you broke me? That you betrayed me?" I mumbled and let my tear slip from my eyes cause i know I was crying this last time. After divorced I will lost this rights as well to cry for my husband.

"I can live my life with our baby but What about our baby maan? What is its fault? Why You snatch our baby's right to have a father's love before he/she come to this world. I will may forgive you what you did to me but I will never forgive you what you did to our child maan! I will never forgive you" I cried and cover my face. My heart was aching painfully thinking about divorce. But I know it's important to make Maan away from me.

I hate to admit but still in deep down I know I love him and maybe will always love him. But one thing was clear. I'm never going to accept him ever again.

★★★★

"Are you sure about this" Kulsum asked still in bewilderment.

"Hmm" I hummed in return. I told her about divorce. She couldn't believe that i make decisions like this but when I told her that I'm serious she almost freak out.

"Okay... If it's your final decision then you have to be strong.. this is going to be painful hana" Kulsum said concern and I chuckled dryly.

"He told my child is not his.. and I don't think there is anything more painful than this " I said with broken smiled.

"You will get through this inshallah.. have patience... And our champ will be here to make you strong" she tried to cheer me up while I just smiled in return.

After our little talk we walked out of the class and went to college gate. We bid our bye and as I turned I came to face to face with Maan.

"Hi.. How are you ?" He asked waving his palm infront of me with grinned and i sighed in irritation.

"Happy without you" I replied with smiled

"Don't lie.." he said smiling.

"I'm not lieing" I said with same smiled. and walked away from there but that idiot followed me.

"You can't be happy without me... And we both know this" he said from my back making me stop on my track. I turned to him and saw him smiling.

"Come back on this earth Mr rahmaan... That days has gone when I needed you for my happiness.. now I'm happy that your away from me" I snap making his smile vanished But for second before it cames again.

"You know.. your this type of words can't make me ran away from you.. I know I have to, and i can, and I will take all your anger happily... Or maybe hate if you claimed that you anger is your hate for me" he said with smiled holding my hands. He came little closer to me.

"I love you jaan. And I will do anything to make you mine again" he said in determination cupping my left side face. I almost melted.

Almost.

"I will never be yours again" I said my eyes wanted to shed tears.. he was saying everything what I yearned to heard from him once.. but I gulp holding them back cause i didn't wanted to be weak in front of him and step back away from him. He looked hurt but I'm not going to trap again.

I turned to go but her held my wrist.

"You will be mine again hana!" He said through his gritted teeth and I know he was holding his anger back. I tried to free my wrist without turning.

"Rahmaan leave me" I yelled wriggling.

"Never"

"What the hell are you doing?" A loud familiar voice came from my behind.

I turned and saw Kabir walking toward us.

"Your misbehaving with hana" he yelled and glared at Maan.

"Who the hell are you?" Maan asked in bored tone still holding my hand in his firm grip.

"I'm her classmate and I know your her cousin but still you don't get the right to hold her like this" Kabir said glaring at mine and maan's hand. Maan raised his eyebrows.

"But her husband has the every rights to hold her how he pleased" Maan said smirking at him and pulled me toward him and then turned to me with still that stupid smirk. I glare at him.

"Wha...what? Are you... ma..married?" Kabir asked me in shock I looked at him and saw hurt in his face. Oh! I was his crush. I thought.

But I wonder can't he figured out considering my swollen stomach but then again my stomach was not that swollen to look like I'm pregnant.

"Yess! she is married and pregnant too with our first child Alhamdulillah" Maan said with tight smiled but I can see his face hard. And he almost murder Kabir with his glared. Cause Kabir's face clearly show how hurt he was hearing this.

"Okay.. sorry" Kabir said and walked away from there.

"It's clear he has crush on you"

Maan said casually looking at the direction where Kabir left. And I jerk his hand.

"Yes. He has.. but that non of your business" I said and about to turn but he held my arms. And drag me toward corner of the road.

"If I saw him around you again.. I will kill him hana.. I'm telling you" Maan said angrily and I crossed my arms raising my eyebrows.

"And why would you?" I asked.

"Because I love you and your my wife and I can't see any other man around you" he said through his gritted teeth. And I gave him bitter smiled.

"Not for long" I said and he looked at me confused.

"What?"

"Not for long you can claimed me as your wife" I said looking into his eyes. He became tensed

"What...what do you mean?" Maan asked. I can clearly see how frightened he became.

"I want divorce! And you will get the divorce papers soon" I told him and saw his eyes grew wide and face became colourless. I felt my heart hurt telling him this but I didn't show him and tried to make my face straight and emotionless

************

"I want divorce! And you will get the divorce papers soon" she said emotionless making my heart stop and breath caught in my chest. Colours drain from my face.

Divorce? Did I hear divorce?

"What you said?" I asked not believing that hana can say something like this.

"You heard me" she said and I shake my head. And held her tightly.

"How can you even think about it hana?" I shouted not too loud.

"I'm not thinking... I'm doing rahmaan" she said and I felt my heart clenched. She was the one who started shaking with fear hearing our divorce and now!

"I will never give you divorce... I will rather die than giving you divorce hanu" I said softly my eyes burned but I gulped.

"I'm not asking I'm saying... And for khula I don't need your willingness" she said and turned to go.

I felt my soul started shaking in fears. Only thinking about hana will get divorce from me.

"Did you really hate me that much that you want divorce?" I asked with my shaky voice and she stopped on her track and turned toward me.

"Yes. I hate you" hana spat in low voice and a tear escaped my eyes seeing my Hanu's love filled eyes now burning with hate. She turned to go but I held her wrist.

"Then listen to me my love" I said and went closer to her ear. Her back was facing me

"I love you! And if my love is true then you will be mine again. let's see your hate will win or my love." I whisper and kiss her temple and turned around while wearing my sunglasses to hide my tears.

I sat on my car and drove away. My heart was aching painfully. My breath become heavy. My head started spinning. I took of my sunglasses and tear started rolling down on my cheeks freely.

I know I couldn't do anything if she file khula. My love my baby everything will be snatch from me. I will lost every rights on them. That thought alone killing me every second.

And only one thing left for me to do.

Dua (prayer)

I saw masjid (mosque) in my way and went out of the car. I went inside the masjid after taking off my shoes.

I saw many people were doing namaz (prayer) I went to do ablution and then I did my namaz.

After completing my namaz I held my hand in front of my Allah like a beggar. And eyes filled with unshed tears

"Ya Allah beshak teri marzi ke bagair kuch nahi hoga ( oh lord! Indeed without your willingness nothing will happen) please Allah Miya! Please Don't take my wife and my child away from me. I know what I did was wrong, no! it's a sin. I hurt her I gave her pain I disgrace my wife's character but allah you know I didn't meant to hurt her I didn't meant to disgrace her. It was my anger and my foolishness that I didn't think before doing something like this. But I'm regretting Allah miya! I'm regretting everything. It's all my fault Im accepting. I'm not blaming anyone. But Allah you said you will forgive them who asked for forgiveness. I'm asking forgiveness Allah Miya. I'm asking my wife and my child. Please don't let that happen please give me last chance to prove myself. Please don't take my hana from me. If it's that what you written in my fate that I have to live being away from my wife then please take my life before this punishment. I don't want to live. I want to die" I mumbled feeling dejected and cover my face weeping silently again thinking that if hana file khula then I couldn't do anything.

I was sobbing silently when I felt something soft on my shoulder. I uncovered and wiped my face before turning back. I saw a little boy maybe 4 to 5 years old, stood their looking at me.

"Uncle why are you crying?" That boy asked and shook my head. Wiping my face.

"I'm not crying" I said with small smile that boy frowned.

"Your sitting in the masjid! You shouldn't say lie" he said and I smiled.

"Okay boy. I'm crying" I accepted.

"I heard your dua (prayer)" he said with little bit embarrassed.

"Accha. Then what do you think about my dua. Allah will heard my dua na?" I asked. And he smiled.

"I didn't understand all your dua but I understand that your asking forgiveness and your wife and baby" he said and I kept looking at him.

"My ammi says... Allah forgive them who is truly asking forgiveness and promise Allah that they will never did this mistake again.. I'm sure Allah will forgive you. Because your crying in masjid." He said cutely making my heart clenched thinking about my child. My eyes again filled up with tears. fearing if I didn't get my child then?

"And what if Allah won't listen to my prayers then?" I asked I don't know why but talking to him making me feel like my prayers were answering.

"Then it's your fate. Don't think that it's your punishment, think that it's your test. My ammi says that allah never give his bandah (creation, servants) burden more than his endurance. Allah tests his servants as much as he can withstand. And we have no right to ask for mauth (death) but for strength and you have to be faith in allah" he said and I look at him wide eyes as realisation hit me.

I was asking for death not for strength.

"Your right! I need strength. And I have to be faith in allah" I whisper and tears escaped my eyes that boy wiped my tears with his tiny fingers.

"Don't cry inshallah you will get what you want.. I will pray for you and I will also ask ammi to pray for you" he said innocently and I hugged him.

"Thank you beta.. thank you so much" I said and pulled back. He smiled looking at me

"Your alone here? I mean where is you father" I asked. But answer came from our behind.

"Here" I turned and saw Ali My PA.

"He is my son sir" he said and come toward us. I stood up.

"We both were doing our namaz when we heard your prayers and he came to you to consoled you as per as his ammi says" Ali said and took his son in his arms proudly.

"Well done my boy" he said kissing his son's forehead. And my love for my child increase tenfold there. Child are so innocent. they filled your life with happiness and give you reason to live. Then how could I even think that my child would have ruined my dreams. Now I'm ashamed of my thinking and my heart clenched painfully remembering my own shameful words.

"Sir" Ali bring me out of my thoughts. I looked at him and saw him smiling

"Everything will be fine inshallah.. I will pray for you and my boy will also pray. And what ammi says.." he first told me and then asked looking at his son. Who instantly answer.

"Momin ki dua zarur qabool Hoti hai ( a believer or faithful Muslims prayer always accepted)" that little boy said cheerfully.

"He is too smart and I wonder is he 5?" I asked in bewilderment. I knew Ali has 5 years son.

"Yes he is 5 years Masha Allah.. and about his knowledge then credit goes to his mother.. she is aleema. she taught him every thing and still trying"

(Aleema: a person who learned everything about Islam or has all knowledge about religion)

He said and I smiled.

"Allah truly gave me my prayers answered through your son" I said patting his cheeks. He smiled cutely in return.

"Okay shall we go back home beta.. ammi will be waiting for us" Ali ask his son who hurriedly nodded.

"Yes baba.. let's go.. ammi said if I prayed properly then she will give me kheer (sweet dish)" he said excitedly. And Ali chuckled and bid his bye to me before turning back.

"Ali" I called him and he turned to look at me.

"You didn't tell me your son's name " I said and Ali smile and told me his son's name before walking out of the masjid.

"Momin"

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