Victor did not come on Monday and I felt a wave of relief. I figured he was still dealing with his father and getting him settled. The letter burned a hole in me, carrying as I did in my pocket, I felt seventy-five pounds heavier. I let Professor Allens know I had been accepted and he grunted that I better keep my grades crisp if I wanted to make it out there. He also gave me a list of books I should read before even stepping foot on a plane to Chicago; Hardy, Austen, Bulgakov, Tolstoy, Cervantes, Garcia-Marquez, Kerouac, Dickens, Bronte, Hemingway, Twain, Faulkner, Nabokov, Orwell, countless others. The list was so long that immediately got anxiety and I found myself in the library with a copy of As I Lay Dying and Emma in my hands. I was bogged down with papers to do, projects to complete, and now a list of books to read all through my Winter break.

I stayed up until 2 am reading and working on projects and I was so tired on Tuesday that I had forgotten I promised myself to speak to Victor and tell him about Chicago. I spotted him standing in the Atrium and he looked normal. Happy and carefree, nothing of the guy I had witnessed on Saturday. I was a coward and I stepped into the Advising office to make sure I was placed on the waiting list for the Russian Literature class I needed to take in the Spring, my advisor assured me I could be penciled in given my acceptance into Chicago. When I finished in the advising office Victor was gone and the masses had scattered. I didn't see him again until I was done with classes and I snuck into the library, found my usual corner and tried to press through pages of Emma.

An hour later a bag was dropped next to me and I looked up to find Victor staring at me with a curious expression.

"You're avoiding me," he said as he sat down. I noticed the length of his legs.

"Why would I avoid you?" I moved my bag to allow him more room.

"Excellent question," he turned to stare at me.

I closed Emma and gave him a small smile. "How's your dad?"

He nodded. "Good. Liam arrived yesterday."

"Good."

"Good?" He shook his head. "You're turtling."

"What the heck is that?" I let out a laugh.

"You turtle. Something is on your mind or too hard and you turtle."

I suppose he had a point. I chewed on my nails as I watched him pull out his books and notes. I braced myself and I pulled out my letter, it was already crumbled and stained with a soda I had drunk earlier. He watched me and then took the letter I offered him. He opened it and I observed him as he read, his brows knitting. When he finished, he looked up at me, carefully folding my letter back and handing it back to me.

"You're going?" He asked, his voice deceptively calm.

"I want to," I said.

He nodded, still looking at me. "Congratulations."

A thick lump formed in my neck, a fishbone, hard and unyielding.

"You get to leave Kissimmee, see the world, all that you want," he said.

"I've never said that."

"You didn't have to," he smiled. "I know you enough maybe because I also feel that way."

I stared at him wanting desperately, for a mad moment, to tell him to come with me but then realizing he couldn't. He couldn't leave his family, his mom and his dad. He was chained and I thought what an awful tragedy, a bird such as he should be allowed to soar, to take to the skies and paint the world with his plumage.

He was staring at me and I wished he didn't because he was making it harder for me to leave, for me to run away. My heart, that organ I once controlled, was split in half, right down the middle. Half of it wanting to see the world and the other half wanting to stay with him, even if it meant taking crumbs, like a roach under a sink. He was quiet, his stare was piercing, the brown eyes intense and questioning.

"Aren't you going to miss us?" he said suddenly, and I met his eyes, my heart thundering in my chest. He did not shift his gaze; I had learned already that he had quite an intense stare if he wished.

I opened my mouth, dimly hearing Jon and Steven walking to us.

"Yeah, of course, I mean I'm going to miss you guys."

Still, he stared and I was forced to glance at him once more. There sat Victor Manning staring right at me and I could scarcely breathe. It had been so much easier when I would tease him about his handkerchief.

"No. I mean aren't you going to miss us. You and me," he said slowly and deliberately so I wouldn't misunderstand his meaning.

Us.

He locked eyes with mine. I swore I saw the entire universe in his eyes. I wanted to say something meaningful, something solid and true. But I didn't. I hesitated. Here he was, the only guy that I had truly known, asking if he would miss him. If I would miss the two of us together. The thought of not seeing him every day crushed me, absolutely devastated me.

"Yeah. Of course." I whispered but I had seen that shift in his eyes.

I had taken too long and he retreated. He looked down, embarrassed, and I didn't know what to say or what to do so when Jon bounced to us blabbing about going to Burger King I laughed because I had to do something.

×××

I didn't quite understand why Victor would ignore me or avoid me but that's exactly what he did for the rest of the term even when I did see him, I always felt he was pulling away from me. As if he were sand and I a wave in our sea. I didn't like Emma, love obviously didn't work like that. You didn't just fall in love with your best friend and he didn't fall in love with you. I sobbed when it finished.

The day before the semester ended, I ran into Crystal which I had not seen since the party and I was surprised to see how distant she seemed. I greeted her like I always did.

"How are things with Victor?"

She looked at me confused. "We broke up. If we were ever together. I'm surprised he didn't tell you."

I stared at her in utter confusion. He hadn't said anything, not a hint. "No, he didn't."

She shrugged and her red hair fell delicately over her shoulders. "Yeah, it wasn't... I've never been with a guy who wasn't into me."

"He was!" I said.

She let out a sardonic laugh as she looked me over. "He wasn't. Anyways, I have a final now. Take care of yourself, Becka. I heard you got into a program in Chicago, probably won't see you, I'm doing next semester abroad in London."

"That sounds amazing!" I said.

"Yeah." She turned to leave and then paused, staring at me. "You know, he's going to be heartbroken. You leaving. All he talked about when we were together was you."

I didn't know what to say to that so I simply watched her walk away. I really didn't think Victor could be that dumb to ruin a perfectly good relationship for what? And talking about me all the time? I chalked it up as Crystal exaggerating, she probably heard him mention my name once and took it the wrong way.

After I finished my last final test, I got the urge to see Victor so I called him and I was stunned to find that he had disconnected his phone. I was left not being able to reach him even now that I wanted to. He had suddenly become beyond my reach. I even showed up to the gym and he wasn't there, but I swore I smelled him, drops of him, still clinging to the weights.

Yara showed up on my door as I was reading Don Quixote a week before Christmas. She looked smaller than I remembered, her hair was in a ponytail and she didn't have any makeup. Mami let her in after giving her a good long hug. This time there was no rushing to one another on the stairs, no squeals, and I realized we had still been children when we had last embraced.

We walked calmly into my room, steady and purposeful.

"How are you doing?" I asked her.

She turned and glanced at me. "Good. I start back to school in January. Hopefully, you won't mind having me around."

"Why would I mind? I think it's great you're starting again," I said.

She shrugged and touched the open book on my bed. "I know I'm not part of your life anymore."

I sat on my vanity chair, tucking my legs under me. "You've been part of my life for a good long while. That hasn't changed."

Yara sat on my bed, on the edge, staring down at my carpet. "I know you have your little group of friends now."

"Oh, fuck off, Yara, what are you trying to say?" I said and she stared at me in alarm. "You think I'm going to be like here comes Yara ruining my life?"

She stood up and paced to my bookcase. "I'm a fucking mess right now, Becky-girl."

It sounded strange to hear my old nickname, no one had called me that in so long that it felt as if it didn't fit. Didn't go with me, the girl I had become.

"I won't be a mess forever but right now I am," she said.

I nodded. "You lost the baby."

"I lost a lot more than that," she said quickly, looking at me. "I can't describe it, but I lost a lot more than that."

I watched as she sniffed and pulled a book out from my shelf. It was a standard romance book, a damsel clutched by a duke.

"I get now why you read all the time," she said. "Escape."

I looked away I had never thought of it as an escape but perhaps it was an escape. While I read, I was desired, beautiful, and a leading lady. Outside of it I was Yahaira's friend, the not so pretty one. Yet, there was nothing wrong with escaping occasionally. Leading a life between pages, allowing yourself to get lost in the possibility of something else. It wasn't a bad thing. To wish for beauty, desirability, to lead.

"You can borrow a few if you want," I said.

She looked at me and smiled but her smile fell, melted right into the floor. "You were wonderful, and I acted like..." I saw her swallow back tears as she took a shaky breath. "I was really jealous."

I stood in front of her and smiled. "Of what?"

"Of you! You still have your life together! Better than that, your life is great compared to mine! You've got friends, you're doing great in school, people care about you –"

"People care about you too!"

"Doesn't feel like it," she said softly.

"Mercy called me and told me you ignored her calls," I watched her carefully.

She blinked her tears back and looked away. "I've got a counselor, my sister got me one. She says... it's OK to face people when you're ready. I'm facing you, I'm still working on everyone else."

I slowly walked to her and we were suddenly hugging, tightly. I buried my nose in her hair and closed my eyes. "I love you, you stupid brat," I said.

"I love you too, Becka," she whispered.

Later, when she sat quietly in my bed she turned to me. "What's your schedule for Spring?"

And we sat, shoulders pressed, making plans like we had always done. This time it was a plan for Yara's life. As I watched her head bent over reading prerequisites for classes I desperately wished we could always be friends, even when we were old and gray.

×××

I spent the Holidays reading from my long list of books. You know you have read a truly impactful book when you start the book as one person and end it as another. That's what happened that December. I switched to so many different people that I scarcely knew myself. How I thought I would have made it in Chicago without reading these was beyond me. I checked my schedule two days before classes started and I saw I had made it into the Russian Literature class. Still, I could not grasp happiness.

Some days I drove to Lake Eola and found a spot under a tree, reading a book and relishing the Florida cold as it smacked my cheeks. Other times I drove past Jon's house just to see if I spotted Victor's car. I didn't and I was left with this hollow inside of me, wanting to talk to him, even just wanting to see his smile.

New Year's did not see the destruction of the world but inside I felt slowly dying.

Recommended 90s Playlist (will grow with each chapter)

1. Gettin' Jiggy With It - Will Smith

2. Kiss The Rain - Billie Myers

3. Come Baby Come - K7

4. Tubthumping - Chumbawamba

5. Bitch - Meredith Brooks

6. Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt

7. WannaBe - Spice Girls

8. Miami - Will Smith

9. Ghetto Supastar - Pras

10. All Cried Out - Allure

11. The Way - Fastball

12. Walkin' on the Sun - Smash Mouth

13. Can't Get Enough of You Baby - Smash Mouth

14. Stay (I missed you) - Lisa Loeb

15. Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) - The Offspring

16. Sex & Candy - Marcy Playground

17. Lullaby - Shawn Mullins

18. Inside Out - Eve 6

19. My Way - Usher

20. Last Kiss - Pearl Jam

21. She's So High - Tal Bachman

22. Slide - The Goo Goo Dolls

23. Y Hubo Alguien - Marc Anthony

24. Here's to the Night - Eve 6

25. I Love You Always Forever - Donna Lewis

26. You Sang to Me - Marc Anthony

27. Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down

28. Best I Ever Had - Gary Allan

29. Kiss Me - Sixpence None the Richer

30. Try Again - Aaliyah

31. I Knew I Loved You - Savage Garden

32. Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion

33. What It's Like - Everlast

34. Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls

35. Lullaby - Shawn Mullins

36. Back That Azz Up - Juvenile

37. Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve

38. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston