Performed by:

•Veronica Sawyer

•Kids

•Hipster Dork

•Ram Sweeney

•Martha Dunnstock

•Kurt Kelly

•Beleaguered Geek

•The Heathers - Chandler, McNamara and Duke

•Ms Fleming

•Republicanette

•New Wave Girl

•Principal Gowan

•Coach Ripper

VERONICA [Spoken]:

September 1st, 1989. Dear Diary: I believe I'm a good person.

Ya know, I think there's good in everyone, but here we are first day of senior year.

I look around at all these kids I've known all my life and I ask myself: What happened?

KIDS:

Freak! Slut! Burnout! Bug-eyes! Poser! Lard-ass!

VERONICA:

We were so tiny, happy and shiny, playing tag and getting chased.

KIDS:

Freak! Slut! Loser! Shortbus!

VERONICA:

Singing and clapping,

laughing and napping,

baking cookies, eating paste.

KIDS:

Bull-dyke! Stuck-up! Hunchback!

VERONICA:

Then we got bigger.

That was the trigger,

Like the Huns invading Rome -

[Spoken] Sorry!

Welcome to my school,

This ain't no high school:

This is the Thunderdome.

Hold your breath

and count the days,

we're graduating soon.

KIDS:

White trash!

VERONICA:

College will be paradise

If I'm not dead by June!

But I know, I know, life can be beautiful.

I pray, I pray for a better way.

If we changed back then,

we could change again.

We can be beautiful...

(A PREPPY STUD knocks a HIPSTER DORK to the floor.)

HIPSTER DORK [Spoken]:

Ow!

VERONICA:

Just not today.

[Spoken] Hey, are you okay?

HIPSTER DORK:

Get away, nerd.

KIDS:

Freak! Slut! Cripple! Homo! Homo! Homo!

VERONICA:

Things will get better

soon as my letter

comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown.

Wake from this coma,

take my diploma,

then I can blow this town.

Dream of my ivy-covered walls

and smoky French cafes...

(VERONICA jostles RAM SWEENEY.)

RAM [Spoken]:

Watch it!

VERONICA:

Fight the urge to strike a match and send this dump ablaze!

(RAM upends VERONICA'S lunch tray.)

RAM:

Ooooops.

VERONICA [Spoken]:

Ram Sweeney. Third year as linebacker.

And eighth year of smacking lunch trays and BEING A HUGE DICK.

RAM:

What did you say to me skank?

VERONICA:

... Nothing.

VERONICA & KIDS:

But I know, I know, I know...

Life can be beautiful.

I pray, I pray, I pray

For a better way.

We were kind before;

we can be kind once more.

We can be beautiful...

(MARTHA approaches.)

VERONICA:

Agh!... Hey Martha.

MARTHA:

Hey.

(MARTHA helps VERONICA pick up her tray.)

VERONICA:

Martha Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers.

MARTHA:

We on for movie night?

VERONICA:

Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail.

MARTHA:

I rented "The Princess Bride."

VERONICA:

Again? Don't you have it memorized by now?

MARTHA:

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

KURT:

Martha Dumptruck! Wide load! Honnnnnk!

(KURT KELLY knocks the tray from MARTHA'S hands.)

VERONICA:

Kurt Kelly. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team.

Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf.

(Furious, to KURT) Hey! Pick that up right now!

KURT:

I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?

VERONICA:

Yes, I am. I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend.

You're a high school has-been waiting to happen. A future gas station attendant.

KURT:

... You have a zit right there...

VERONICA & KIDS:

(Variously)

Dear diary: why....

Why do they hate me?

Why don't I fight back?

Why do I act like such a creep? (VERONICA: Why....)

Why won't he date me?

Why did I hit him?

Why do I cry myself to sleep? (VERONICA: Why....)

Somebody hug me!

Somebody fix me!

Somebody save me!

Send me a sign, God!

Give me some hope here!

Something to live for!

(The three HEATHERS enter.)

KIDS:

Ah!... Heather, Heather, and Heather!

VERONICA:

[Spoken.] Then there's the Heathers. They float above it all.

KIDS:

(Repeating.) I love Heather, Heather, and Heather.

VERONICA:

Heather McNamara. Head cheerleader. Her dad's loaded - he sells engagement rings.

KIDS:

I hate Heather, Heather, and Heather!

VERONICA:

Heather Duke. Runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants.

KIDS:

I want Heather, Heather, and Heather!

VERONICA:

And Heather Chandler. The Almighty.

KIDS:

I need Heather, Heather, and Heather...

VERONICA:

She is a mythic bitch. They are solid Teflon - never bothered, never harassed.

I would give anything to be like that.

HIPSTER DORK:

I'd like to be their boyfriend.

KIDS:

That would be beautiful...

STONER CHICK:

If I sat at their table, guys would notice me.

KIDS:

So beautiful...

MARTHA:

I'd like them to be nicer.

KIDS:

That would be beautiful...

BELEAGUERED GEEK:

I'd like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in an abandoned warehouse

and leave her tied up for the rats!

(VERONICA enters the girls' bathroom.

HEATHER CHANDLER and MCNAMARA are watching HEATHER DUKE vomit into a toilet.)

HEATHER CHANDLER:

Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.

HEATHER MCNAMARA:

Maybe you should see a doctor, Heather.

HEATHER DUKE:

Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should.

MS. FLEMING:

Ah, Heather and Heather.

(HEATHER DUKE vomits.)

... and Heather. Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting. You're late for class.

(VERONICA scribbles on a piece of paper.)

HEATHER CHANDLER:

Heather wasn't feeling well. We're helping her.

MS. FLEMING:

Not without a hall pass you're not. A week's detention.

VERONICA:

Actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee.

MS. FLEMING:

... I see you're all listed. Hurry up and get where you're going.

HEATHER CHANDLER:

This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?

VERONICA:

Veronica Sawyer. I crave a boon.

HEATHER CHANDLER:

What boon?

VERONICA:

Let me sit at your table at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary.

If people think you guys tolerate me, they'll leave me alone....

Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips and absence notes.

HEATHER DUKE:

How about prescriptions?

HEATHER CHANDLER:

Shut up, Heather.

HEATHER DUKE:

Sorry, Heather.

(HEATHER CHANDLER inspects VERONICA'S face.)

HEATHER CHANDLER:

For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure.

HEATHER MCNAMARA:

And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull,

I'd have matching halves. That's very important.

HEATHER DUKE:

Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.

HEATHER CHANDLER:

And ya know, ya know, ya know?

This could be beautiful.

Mascara, maybe some lip gloss,

and we're on our way.

Get this girl some blush;

And Heather, I need your brush.

Let's make her beautiful.

HEATHER MCNAMARA:

Let's make her beautiful...

HEATHER DUKE:

Let's make her beautiful...

HEATHER CHANDLER:

Make her beautiful...

Okay?

VERONICA:

Okay!

(Another day, another hellish lunch.)

KURT:

Out of my way geek!

BELEAGUERED GEEK:

I don't want any trouble!

RAM:

You're gonna die at 3pm!

REPUBLICANETTE & NEW WAVE GIRL:

Don't you dare touch me! Get away, pervert!

BELEAGUERED GEEK:

What'd I ever do to them?

KIDS:

Who could survive this?

I can't escape this!

I think I'm dying!

MS. FLEMING:

Who's that with Heather?

(THE HEATHERS enter again...)

KIDS:

Whoa. Heather, Heather, Heather...

NEW WAVE GIRL:

And... someone!

KIDS:

Heather, Heather, Heather...

GOWAN & COACH:

And a babe!

KIDS:

Heather, Heather, Heather...

MARTHA:

Veronica?!

KIDS:

Veronica? Veronica? Veronica?!

(THE HEATHERS part, revealing a smoking hot VERONICA who has been given a make-over.)

VERONICA & KIDS:

(Variously.) And ya know,

ya know, ya know

life can be beautiful.

You hope, you dream, you pray,

and you get your way!

Ask me how it feels

looking like hell on wheels...

My God, it's beautiful!

I might be beautiful

And when you're beautiful...

It's a beautiful frickin' day!

KIDS:

Heather... Veronica!

Heather! Heather!

Heather... Veronica!

VERONICA:

Veronica! Veronica!

KIDS:

Veronica! Veronica!