today was the day.

today we were going to hear the verdict, whether they'd determine us as guilty or innocent.

whether they'd grant us our future or not.

aside from the overwhelming nerves i was trying to overcome, deep down, i could sense a diminutive seed of relief.

relief stemming from just the thought of this whole thing finally being over, and the fact that mattia, my baby and i could possibly get the future we deserve.

i held onto the feeling, i clung to it like my life depended on it.

i could not breakdown. not today.

it wasn't a friday, but for breakfast my mom had made her special waffles, a sentiment that almost pushed me over the cusp and into an endless rush of tears.

'thank you, mom.' i said quietly, trying my hardest to avoid choking on the clump of emotion that had built up in my throat.

'you're going to have a good day today, honey.' she held onto my shoulders as i stared at the floor, she spoke with so much certainty that it was almost as if she had seen into the future.

'i love you, mom.' my voice cracked slightly, the stream of adrenaline from my bloodstream somehow seeping into my flesh and making me languid with a sudden sluice of fatigue.

i flopped weakly into her arms, the internal child within me that craved my mom's affection and tenderness taking over and caving into the sense of vertigo that had been stirring in the pit of my stomach.

the sensation of her arms tightly around me made me feel protected, and made me buzz with nostalgic serotonin.

i finally sat down and a hot flash reminded me that i felt too nauseous to eat, but the waffles beamed up at me in all their steamy golden glory, reminding me of something.

suddenly i remembered that i had eaten waffles for breakfast on the day i had met mattia.

the best day of my life.

even just the idea that the waffles could be some kind of lucky charm made me ravenous for them, and within a couple of minutes my plate was clean.

i chugged a glass of water to wash the food down and then it was time to leave the house.

my heart had been beating rapidly since the moment i had woken up, but the closer and closer we drove towards the courthouse of destiny, the more arduous the task of keeping myself from not collapsing had become for my heart.

i kept a firm hand on my stomach the entire time, trying to take a stance on how my baby was feeling, however i gathered nothing more than the amiable energy that it had been reciprocating throughout the entirety of the pregnancy so far.

i had previously become suspicious about my baby being some kind of psychic as a result of the fact that it could always sense when something bad was happening, but i decided to inhibit my superstitiousness and speculation and stop overestimating my child's knowledgeability.

the car journey was an extremely short sojourn that had felt like it had flashed by within a matter of seconds.

as we pulled in i realised that i had been chewing on my fingernails again, a habit which i hadn't picked up until this whole thing had started.

i looked down at my hands and sighed, the skin around my nails was completely shredded and my nails themselves had become flimsy and fragile.

'after this is all over, me and you are going to get our nails done together.' my mom said, noticing my self-chiding.

i smiled at her weakly, grateful for her attempt to ease my nerves but unable to distract myself away from the building we had parked in front of, which seemed to have tripled in size since our last visit, and loomed over me like some kind of fallen angel.

'fuck.' i muttered under my breath, rubbing my eyes and face aggressively in a desperate attempt to prepare myself.

'let's just hurry up and get this over with.' i said to my mom as i reached for the door handle, barely able to hear my own voice over the thundering of my heart and grinding of my teeth.

stepping out of the car i buried myself as far into the depths of my clothes as possible, trying my hardest to conceal myself from the usual early reporters who would lurk around and try to get exclusive snapshots.

i pushed through the grand wooden doors that felt abnormally heavy today and took my seat.

i fidgeted for a while, and i guess i had unconsciously started gnawing at my nails.

i felt a cold presence drift past behind me, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to perk up and stiffen, revealing his identity before i had even seen him.

'you gotta stop doing that to yourself, you're gonna end up worse than me.' mattia spoke, his voice wrapping itself around me like a blanket.

he pulled my hand away from my mouth and extended his arm, showing me his.

his nails were completely torn up, somehow even worse than mine, and his skin glowed a vibrant red, almost as if blood was going to start gushing out from the tips of his fingers at any moment.

i took his hand and encapsulated it between both of mine and rubbed it, ignoring the plain fact that the friction wasn't going to magically fix him.

he placed his other hand on the side of my face and i leaned into it and closed my eyes, allowing myself to feel vulnerable for once.

he sat down beside me, his weight on the chair caused it to creak slightly, the tiny sound cracking the silence that hovered around us.

'i have a good feeling about today,' he said, 'this is gonna make for a cool ass story one day.'

'i hope so.'

i watched closely as mattia raked a hand through his hair, reminiscing on the way i felt the first time i had seen him do such a small task so attractively.

however, this time a sense of panic seemed to spring up within him as he dropped his arm away from his scalp.

'the baby looks like it's going strong,' he said, 'milo for a boy and eliza for a girl, remember?'

'let me see your hand.' i said, furrowing my brows in a mixture of confusion and curiosity.

'what do you mean?' he tried to force a laugh.

i grabbed his clenched fist and forced it open, revealing a clump of his own hair.

'mattia...' i whispered, unable to say anything more out of shock.

'y/n it's nothing, don't worry about it.' he snatched his hand back, exasperated.

'mattia, you haven't been eating have you?' i looked him in the eye.

he exhaled deeply and buried his face into his hands, but not before i could catch a glimpse of his face flushing red.

i pulled his head into my chest and stroked his hair, not wanting him to feel embarrassed or exposed.

'listen, i'm right here with you mattia, and i love you, probably a lot more than you might think.'

i felt a small sob escape his lips and i prayed that just this once, time would slow down and let me talk to him before everyone would start pouring in.

'you always talk about how me and the baby are the priority, about how you could never lose me, but have you ever thought about how much it would kill me if i lost you? please, mattia, you have to stay strong, if not for you, then for me.'

i planted a kiss on his forehead and held him close until i felt him start to wriggle out.

'i'd do anything for you.' he said through bleary eyes.

'i know.' i replied, 'so look after yourself and your body.. for me.'

he nodded solemnly.

'so are we one hundred percent sure about milo and eliza? because i'm starting to have a few doubts.' i poked him, trying to lift our spirits.

'those were the only two we could agree on, don't turn your back on me now, y/n.' he laughed.

'fine.' i laughed.

almost as if on cue, the room began filling up and once again, an invisible barrier was drawn between us.

before long, the clicking sounds were capturing the smallest moments in time, and the camera flashes were displaying my every insecurity.

everything was finally set into motion upon the judge's command.

the pathway of our charges had fallen into place and solidified, the only thing standing between us was the few moments in which we were suspended in limbo.

the idea that in less than an hour my fate would be announced to the whole world made me envy my future self, her possession of the knowledge that i thirsted for seemed to sear the surface of my skin with an intense flame, getting more uncomfortable and unbearable by the minute.

'there will be none of the extended formalities today, we have been asked to deliver the verdict as efficiently as possibly, and i believe that this represents all of our best interests.' the judge spoke, amplifying the throbbing occurring in my temples and eyes, 'considering the suspense that has built up.' he muttered that part under his breath.

i was relieved to hear that i wasn't the only one who had acknowledged the fragile state of the room.

the judge mirrored a nod of confirmation that he had received from somewhere to the side of the front of the room before he continued to speak.

'may the defendants please rise.'

the sentence wrenched my gut straight out of me and wrung it remorselessly.

harsh pulses of fierce nerves caused my hands to shake uncontrollably, the realization that this was actually happening came crashing into my chest.

mattia and i stood up slowly, a bead of sweat emerging from my forehead as we scorched beneath the brutal spotlight of tyranny.

the trembling had spread to my legs, weakening my knees and forcing me to mentally brace myself for the possibility that i were to collapse right there and then.

as if the nerves weren't bad enough alone, i was then gripped by a sense of embarrassment, the feeling of the millions of eyes piercing into my skin from behind me collaborating to act as a single juggernaut, entirely designed and determined to bring about my demise.

nevertheless, the world continued to spin, and time continued to tick on, it was inevitable now.

'miss y/n l/n.'

i shut my eyes tight and let one last wisp of air escape my mouth and brush past my lips before i began holding my breath like my life depended on it.

'on one account of possession of a class A love drug and on one account of obstruction of police investigation, we find you,'

just spit it out, i thought to myself as my eyelids started becoming sore from the straining.

'innocent.'

a tide of ice cold breeze washed over me and i froze, darting my eyes around the deep blackness that my eyelids used to shield me.

i waited for something... anything.

anything to tell me that this wasn't another one of the sick and twisted nightmares that my brain had cooked up for me, but nothing came.

no sounds, nothing.

after a few moments of deliberation i opened my eyes slightly and looked.

i turned to see a mixture of unfamiliar faces who appeared to have had my exact reaction.

suddenly, a slightly deluded expression of joy broke out from the back of the room, ricocheting around until every ear in the room had caught a piece of it.

just like that the room burst out in an explosion of delight, and i received the confirmation i needed.

my heart swelled with contentment and elation as i absorbed the unexpected masses of celebration that had wound and stitched itself into every smile in the room.

i revelled in the foreign feeling for a moment or two longer before i remembered mattia.

i turned to him excitedly, a certainty of our secured future blooming in my eyes.

he appeared even happier than me, his godly glow restored through the way he beamed at me, reminding me of his pre-court self.

we're going to be okay! i mouthed to him.

he nodded his head joyfully, but the judge's gavel boomed once again, interrupting mattia before he could reply.

i regathered my composure to the best of my ability and thanked mr miller sincerely.

'mr mattia polibio.'

from my point of view, everyone else melted away at that moment, every ounce of my attention was focused on mattia.

i felt a thump or two on my stomach, but i ignored it, tuning my baby out completely for the first time ever.

'on one account of distribution of class A love drugs, one account of possession of class A love drugs and on one account of rape, we find you'

my teeth were grinding against each other so hard that i could almost taste the dust that was being produced.

i tried to swallow my anxieties but it proved impossible once i discovered that my tongue and throat were practically bone dry.

the more time that passed, the louder my heart was pounding against my chest, and the more uneasy i felt.

i was close to falling to my knees and begging the judge to stop stalling, when his voice finally found its way to the surface again.

'guilty of all charges. you have been awarded the death penalty. your placement on death row will be effective immediately.'

and just like that, my entire world was tilted off its axis.