during the entire journey i had been wrestling with myself internally, trying to figure out whether or not i was going to tell mattia about the scheme natalia and i had drawn up.

on one hand, i was tired of keeping things from him, and right now would virtually be the worst time to not tell him everything, but on the other hand, if it didn't work and i had told him, then it would be a far worse blow for him to handle.

by the time i had reached the prison, i still hadn't come to a decision, i thought i'd just follow the current of conversation and see where it would lead me.

i walked in to find mattia laying on the floor, a blank expression occupying his face as he stared up at the empty ceiling.

'hey, get down here with me.' he said after noticing my entrance.

i laid down opposite him without questioning his motives, our hair brushing against each others.

'so.. what brought you down here?' i joked.

'now let's see, there's this dilemma i have. can i break it down for you?' he said, crossing his arms beneath his head.

'why, of course you may, sir.' i responded, humoring him.

'thank you, fair lady,' he held in a laugh, 'well, you see, to put it simply, my dilemma is that i have all the time in the world, but also, i have no time at all. now would you consider that a gift or a curse.' a tint of sadness breaking through his fake old timey-british-gentleman voice.

'that is tough. i think i'd consider it a blessing, seeing as you're gifted with the knowledge of how long you have left, however, i think anyone would be able to understand if you saw your dilemma as a curse.' i tried my best to make him feel okay, even if we were just messing around.

'you've always been the smartest.' he said, restoring his normal voice as he hauled himself up.

'i certainly can't argue with that.' i peeled myself off the hard, dusty ground, following his lead.

he pushed himself against a wall and smiled at me, a tense silence filtering itself between us.

'can you come with me?' he asked quietly, his smile melting away gently.

'come with you where?' i asked, slightly confused.

'to my execution.'

the sounds sliced their way past his lips with a frightening ease, with the grace of a silver blade in the most skilled hand, but not without the threat and horror. i felt violated, my stomach twisted relentlessly and my fingertips shook as my hot blood rushed to their surface. the words made my heart burst, the metallic taste of blood stained every inch of my mouth and the room spun around me. my lungs shivered endlessly, so much so that i could hardly breathe, let alone stimulate a response. all i could do was stare into him, horrified.

'you don't have to. if you don't think you can, don't. you can give me your answer tomorrow, okay?' he took control, his cool, soothing words sliding over my sweat slicked skin.

i yearned for nothing more than to gouge my own eyes out. i felt awful. once again, i had made things about myself. he was going to be killed in two days yet i was somehow the one that needed to be comforted.

i continued my internal self-chiding, but the most i could do externally was nod my head weakly, which was something else i loathed myself for.

minutes passed before i was able to gain any sort of stability, and he didn't speak a word until he was sure that i had recovered.

'thank you.' i managed to conjure, to which he nodded understandingly.

i decided to get up and sit with him, knowing that there was no greater feeling than being close with him. i sat inside the tiny gap in his crossed legs, which he expanded when he felt me on him, spreading his legs out wider.

his arms slipped around me easily, and the way he held onto me let me know how he felt about me and how much he loved me. then, he would bury the lower half of his face into the scoop of my neck and shoulder, his soft lips against my skin would make me shiver.

'if i told you that there was a chance we could stop what's coming, what would you say?' my voice bridging between us.

'i'd tell you not to tell me.' he answered almost instantly, solving my problem for me with hardly any effort.

'i'm going to carry you with me for the rest of my life, mattia.' i told him.

'you're gonna move on eventually.' he whispered, his tone the most pitiful i'd ever heard it.

'i won't.' i said, truthfully.

'okay.' his calm voice brushing against my ear as his fingers traced the outskirts of my arm.

frustration filled me as a result of my lack of ability to express in words to mattia how much i loved him, but when i told him about the sky from that morning, i was sure he knew.