《"Hate And Shame" -Poems of a mentally ill person-》mental health

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Mental health is important.

Because it makes me look into the future and instead of wanting to be an astronaut or a police officer it's wanting to be a corpse.

Instead of wanting to be rich its wanting to be dead.

Instead of thinking of yourself in a big house when you're older you think you'll be 6 feet under in a few years anyways.

Because it's a wanting to decay instead of wanting to blossom.

It's not thinking about your crush or you favorite show you're thinking about death.

Because all you can ever think about is death.

Your own death.

It's manipulating yourself into thinking that you're not good enough.

It's thinking that maybe if I lose 10 more pounds somebody will think I'm beautiful, but you know that you will never think you're beautiful.

Because the one that's always telling you that you're not beautiful is your own self.

Because your worst enemy is your own self.

And you may never be the hero because you were always your own villain, you were the one that brought your own downfall.

Bad mental health is staying awake late night and instead of doing your homework you're doing nothing because it's hard to get up from your bed.

Instead of listening to your doctor it's listening to music at 4 a.m. on a school day and thinking "Wow I wish I had a better life."

It's always wanting to have a better life but not actually doing anything to get a better life.

It's wishing you were gone but not being brave enough to end it.

It's feeling like you don't belong because your whole live you've been told so and now you're telling yourself.

It's feeling that your different when really there's always someone that understands that feeling.

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It's feeling like an outcast, like everyone will know you're a freak.

It's thinking that you want someone to notice your scars but you don't want to be made fun of.

It's the fear of judgement when really you are judging yourself most.

It's wanting to get help but being scared of commitment, being scared of rejection.

It's the fear of feeling alone but wanting to be alone.

It's wanting someone to reach out to you but never reaching out first.

It's wanting to be special but feeling that if you're different they will think you're weird.

It's never being perfect because you are making your own requirements to being perfect but you will never be that kind of perfect.

Because either way you fail, you're either too skinny, you're too fat, you look too ugly or you look fake, you look too weird or you look to basic, you're too loud or being quiet all the time it's never finding a good middle.

It's making your own requirements when really you don't need any of them.

It's extreme self hate that's holding you back but no one is telling you that you're good enough because you don't have anyone, since everyone has left you because you made them leave.

It's wanting to get a good grade but being afraid it will turn out bad so you never even start doing anything to get one.

It's wanting to be alone but being afraid of being lonely.

It's never being number 1 because you can't win.

You will never be good enough, at least that's what you tell yourself.

Bad mental health can lead to death and simple phrases like "How are you?" or "Are you okay?" could change someone's life, could save someone's life.

Being kind is free, and bad mental health is a deadly race against time.

29th October 2021

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