Felix

*~*~*

"Alright."

One of the simplest forms of affirmative language.

I'm 'alright'.

But is anyone ever 'all right'?

If everything is the way it should be,

Then there wouldn't be shadows casted from light,

There wouldn't be rainbows after the storm,

Because the storm wasn't there in the first place.

*~*~*

I stare at Ryland, slightly upset, "Explain to me, to what do I owe you this favor?" He made me ditch Skylar and leave him with my boss so we can do whatever the hell it is he planned. And he informed me of this impromptu excursion 20 minutes ago and expect me to make up an excuse.

"Well, technically you owe yourself this. Since, you know, we didn't have breakfast together the past week and I did promise to make you waffles. So a little dinner waffle action wouldn't be too farfetched. Right?" His hands slowly inching towards my radio, which I don't like being touched or being on at all for that matter. Driving should be safe and with as little distraction as possible. Since Skylar is enough of a distraction I don't need him yelling lyrics like he does at home.

Really don't need screaming in my ear while maneuvering a giant, probably combustible, hunk of metal.

"The conditions." I say simply, feeling an uncomfortable itch in my throat as my thoughts skim through that night's events. And after that night, I have been consistently clammy and nervous in the presence of Ryland.

His hand settles on my dashboard, fingers playing an air piano as he thinks, brows bunched together in search of a drunken memory. Does he even know how to play the piano? There's a piano in the apartment so I assume he does. "I think I was too drunk to remember... I only remember waffles and breakfast."

"Regret is the condition." My cough finally comes up, it did little to sooth my pounding heart as I pull into the parking lot. "... And I didn't." The trip from car to apartment is uncomfortable at best and traumatic at worst. Being squashed into the corner with Ryland's head directly under my chin is the most infuriating thing since memes were created.

Being angry only makes you less like a Jelly Bean. And I like my Jelly Beans.

Skylar's high school voice rang in my head, reminding me of the days when I had a whole weekend with him, just holding each other together so we don't both fall apart. We tried so hard to live normal lives, and without him, I'd probably be in jail.

"I'll um... start the iron and the batter." Ryland says as he places his keys in the dish. For some reason I find the way he hops in a circle on one foot trying to get his shoe off, oddly... precious. His incoherent mumbles come after that, trying to cause a distraction while he walks across the apartment into the kitchen. More importantly out of my view range. "I'll umm... yup, you like strawberries right? I like strawberries. Skylar likes strawberries. Custard? I'll make custard too, why not right? Yup... smart thinking Ryland."

I am tasked with setting the table, which I feel the need to make... intimate. Not in the sense that it is romantic, but just to show my appreciation of him keeping his word for what we had agreed on, even though it was a total mistake sleeping with him. I, myself, am a man of my word, so I can appreciate when someone does the same. And by sleeping with him I mean just that, no genitalia were involved except the existence of them.

In his sleep, Ryland is one might call... 'The vine'. His limbs seem to attach themselves onto the most inconvenient places, locking my head to the side, which caused strain on my neck and then clinging his legs to my thigh like it's a trunk at his disposal. Skylar is only slightly better since he doesn't have a vice grip on my body. It took me at least 5 minutes to try and deconstruct the contraption of human stuck to me the next morning.

My subconscious must be fucking with me, because by the time I am done with the setting up, I noticed the dimmed lights and candle, lit in the middle of the table. I don't even get time to correct my mistake before Ryland comes back with waffles - the least candle-lit-appropriate food item, and a very blushed face. "I- This... I don't mean -"

Ryland seem to catch on, he simply set the plates on the coffee table in front of the couch. And blew out the candle. Part of my delight leaving with the smoke. I don't know if this is something I should worry about or not, knowing him, he's probably degrading into a pile of ashes on the inside.

You know when you think things in an act of denial and it gets to the point where you're in denial of being in denial? Yeah, well I'm sure it is more than just platonic feelings I have for Ryland. But, of course, being the professional asshat that I am, I won't agree with my brain.

It's not that I don't want to love someone. I desperately want to on that level, but is it really right to jump into something this quickly? I really, really value that type of connection, what if it doesn't work out? What if I get heartbroken? A heartbroken Felix is not a fun Felix.

We finally settle on the floor, sitting casually as Ryland retrieves fruits and condiments for our unfit dinner. Unfit in more ways than one. My brain still fighting the feelings with reason, throwing in bullshit arguments like how 'it's not ethical to date your best friend's brother' or 'he's not even your type'.

I don't know what I want. Never did, never will. Certainly don't right now.

"Skylar sent me a video." Ryland cheers, genuinely happy that his brother is happy. I guess we have that in common; our love for Skylar. Or less something in common and more something we can use to build a friendship upon, maybe something more.

The video was of Aaron teaching Skylar how to eat Alaskan king crab. "The shell is like 5 inches of pure steel! How am I going to get it out?" He takes the clamp and starts using it as a hammer until Aaron corrects him, he takes the advice with a smile. After a few tries, he eventually takes the claws and plays with them. Imitating Mr. Krabs from SpongeBob in the worst way possible. The scene made me smile wide. It is so intrinsically Skylar to have that kind of fun, even at an expensive restaurant.

"You know. You look great with a smile." Ryland says, looking as if he is so much closer to me than he actually is.

"That's what everyone says." I click off his phone, "You, on the other hand, you should cry more." Smacking myself for being such a dimwit. Why would I say such a thing?

"Why? 'Cause I'm less annoying and not in your way if I drown myself in pity?" His tone tells jokes, but his eyes seeking truth. It really isn't nice to beat yourself up, it's bad when you do it physically but equally as bad when you do it mentally.

"N-no... You seem like you need someone. You know... to talk to and stuff." Brilliant fucking response. I'm a genius. The terrifying part is I'm not even trying to bullshit my way out of this.

There was an awkward moment of void. Both in my heart, sucking away my emotions, and a suffocating silence. A blush crawls up his beautiful face as he hangs it low. "What now? Is this the part where we ignore the awkwardness and eat our damn waffles or we kiss and have sex in the master bedroom?"

My hands dart forward, holding his burning face gently. He looked very delicate with that blush and ghost of a smile. "Is this alright?" I whispered, mostly to myself. Is this really what I want? If I go any further than this the commitment will be set in stone and I know I won't be able to deny the feelings I have for him.

This isn't some one-night stand that I'm having, this is real. Something tangible. Perhaps there would be some sort of longevity if we really tried. But is it the right thing to do? Too soon? Or not soon enough?

"Felix. Nothing is all right in my world." His forehead leaning gently against mine, I feel very vulnerable in this state. Maybe it's the fact that we are physically close or the fact that my resolve is cracking. And that's a hard fact, I can feel it shattering. "Sometimes there are things that seem right in the heart but wrong in the head. Or the other way around."

I understood him, suggested a hastily of moving in together, made a drunken decision and now, here we are.

I lean lower, touching the tips of our noses. My hands moving from his cheeks to behind his neck and in his hair. This is such a fragile moment, like a drop of a pin would destroy what built up to this point. Though, admittedly, there really wasn't much build up. Imagine how wounded I would be if Skylar walks in on us.

"It doesn't have to be black and white, right?" I gulp, looking into his beautiful eyes, my breathing becoming pants before we even kiss. I may asphyxiate if we make out. "There's... always a compromise, right?"

"That's the most questions you've asked me. And the most curious you've been since I met you." His chuckle brought a smile to my face, and his arms coming around my neck, draping loosely against my shoulders. "I'm not going to lie. I used to think you're a protective wall around Skylar. But you're just misunderstood, and I really want to make up to you the years you took to raise my brother. It should've been my job, but you did it flawlessly."

"So what? Make up to me as in occasionally have sex with me as you suggested or make up to me as in, you know... sharing meaningful memories and all that sappy shit?"

"There's always a compromise, right?" His retort is smart as any, bringing a smile to my lips.

"Right." I'm salivating, don't know if it's from how beautiful he looks, the anticipation or the buttery smell of those untouched waffles. "I'm going to kiss you."

"Minus the sex in the master bedroom?"

"That's the compromise."

"Alright." Imitating my Australian accent in the cutest way there is.

For once, I don't really know where to begin with a kiss. I guess I'm trying too hard because I need to make this 'all right'. Even if it's just a moment in time, I want to feel that everything is 'all right'. So, I lay him on the carpeted floor gently, holding myself up by my elbows.

My nerves are skyrocketing into oblivion as my lips lower onto his. The one thing that saved me from pulling away immediately is honestly gravity. As much muscle strength as I have, the moment we touch at the lips I can feel myself get drained of power.

It is a slow, almost sensual kiss, but I'm not a romantic man and I'm guessing Ryland is. He did study English literature in university, it's almost a requirement to be romantic. My brain works overtime, trying my best to articulate my mouth and tongue so I don't seem intrusive and aggressive. I want it to be the opposite of what I normally am, I can be gentle, I can be loving.

It feels strange putting so much thought into one moment. But I guess after the past couple of weeks putting so much thought into him as a person, the amount of effort on this moment is honestly trivial. But if you weight it relatively to everything else excluding his brother, I'd say I am completely fucked over by my emotions.

As our tongues move together, I don't feel the electricity or the sparks and fireworks. Perhaps it's because this isn't a lust driven moment, despite the 'sex in the master bedroom' talk just now. All I feel is the intense need to let my emotional floodgates open, abandon the belief of being strong for anyone. I just want to be vulnerable this once.

He takes my cheeks in his hands and pulls me back, "I know we were like 10 feet deep into the kiss but basic survival needs like oxygen is good to have." He heaves slightly as I lay my head down on his chest, allowing myself to be babied for a little while.

"I came to Canada because I got socked from every school in Canberra and Sydney. I was too violent." He shifts my weight so we are now laying side by side, him still cradling my head into his chest. "My parents never liked me because they had 4 other kids to take care of, and naturally being the reject child they neglected me. And after everyone else left the house for university, my parents brought me here to study for my last few years." There isn't a particular reason why I'm saying this to him, but I just felt like this is how I can be vulnerable. And most importantly, I feel comfortable saying this to Ryland.

"Eventually I made friends with the wrong group of friends, took a couple drugs, stole from shops for fun and just really fucked up. So, one day they decided they were through with me. I know the day they chose isn't just any day. I know that my oldest sister was completing university in London and coming back that same day. I guess kicking me out was her way of replacing me." I sniffled, chuckling emotionlessly, there isn't anything to be happy about, just the fact that I got it out without pretending to be alright about it. "You know the rest."

"The bit where you met my brother?" His voice is so gentle and caring. It's like a series of loving caresses across my forehead. Or maybe that's just his feather-like fingers gliding through my hair. I nod. "Well, you did damn well without them. You raised yourself to be an amazing man. And of course, raised my brother to be a whole other category of strength."

That's probably the most comforting and approving thing I can get out of any person, specifically this one. "Fuck I'm such a pussy."

"It's only fair after you've seen me ugly cry twice, that I see you shed a tear or two." We lay silently for a few minutes, shifting so I am cradling him into my body. I've always had the strange need to hold onto somebody, figuratively. I guess it's the only way I could function without falling apart myself, hence Skylar. "On a completely separate note. How about those candles and waffles?"

So we did just that. A candle lit dinner with waffles fluffier than my heart.

~

I learned tonight that we shouldn't strive for perfection, just as Ryland said, 'nothing is all right in my world.' And I think that applies to everyone. That kiss that I desperately tried to make perfect, wasn't.

It's those imperfections that make aspects that are above average, shine brighter under the moonlight and a single candle.

As a fact, I know whatever this relationship I have with Ryland is going to spiral into, is going to be long and painful. But at least it's going to be long, and no matter how many times I fuck up, I swear I will reel us back in.

Because Ryland didn't start as a love interest for me. He started as my enemy, and although there weren't many conflicts as supposed to silent treatment. I still value the progress we had made over the past couple weeks.

That, or maybe it's because dating my best friend's brother would be a pain in the ass to break up with.

But for once, I strive for longevity.

"This is the most fucked up moment of my life." Ryland says with a laugh. Now that I have admitted my feelings to myself, it seems that I appreciate him more. "Left foot green."

My leg lifts ever so slightly, but that did it in for me... or the two of us, the fall is anything but graceful. I just look at Ryland as we sit up, taking his hand in mine and his cheek in the other. "You trust me right?"

"No, I don't trust the man that raised my brother for the past 8 years. Of course I fucking trust you Felix." The roll of his eyes tells me how ridiculous he thinks of my question. He shifts closer when my hand squeezes his. "What's wrong?"

My airways constrict, "You have to trust me that I like you a lot. Even if I'm being intolerable or downright pregnant moody, I just want you to know that my feelings are always going to be somewhere in there." I taken in a deep breath, "I might be an asshole to you tomorrow, but I swear I really care for you."

We hug for a long minute. Then he chuckles, "Is this your way of changing topics so we can avoid the fact that you just lost a Twister game?" I shake my head, burying my face in his neck. I will forever hate myself for being such a denying person, even when the person in question is in front of me, I still don't know how to appreciate him. I value the relationship, but I can be a real asshole sometimes. Not until it comes to my final straws and I'm made to beg for their forgiveness. Just like last time when I got physical in the apartment. "I'm not a saint. So I can only promise so much, but I'm not a particularly snappy person either."

"I'm sorry, in advance for each stupid thing I do."

"Don't think that's how it works Felix."

"God I love hearing you laugh..."

"Well you better knock some sense into yourself before I snap my favorite hardback book in half. 'Cause I won't be laughing then."

"I will beg on my knees if I have to."

"Let's go buy you knee pads from the rentals. You're going to need them."

"Fuck you."

"Nah uh. The compromise clearly states we kiss but minus the sex in the master bedroom. And that shall apply for the next eternity."

"If we last that long."

"I will make it last."