[Skylar]

*~*~*

"Those that go searching for love

only make manifest their own lovelessness,

the loveless never find love,

only the loving find love,

and they never have to seek for it."

-- H.D. Lawrence

*~*~*

Here I am, standing at the edge of a long forgotten swimming pool, alone on the day after Valentines Day, perhaps not the most romantic. But I am me, and I love myself, that's enough love for one person. Isn't it?

I got guilty messages from Roman and Aaron, even more guilty ones from Felix and Ryland, but as long as I know they are enjoying themselves then who am I to deny their happiness? They are, after all, couples. In whichever dynamic they choose to define themselves as, or not define at all, they are still couples.

The internal battle with myself, trying to keep things under wraps, attempting to not blow up when frustration hit me, it honestly has taken a toll on my mental age, I feel like one of those century old wise prophets from fantasy movies. I was never oblivious, in fact, I think I know too much for my own good. But that didn't mean anything to me,

The decision is my own at the end of the day.

The choice to be... me.

And I can't really be me, with other people trying to influence or pamper me.

So I choose to be alone for one day. Just one day of my life, maybe I would choose to have more days alone as I go. But that isn't a decision I need to make right now.

What would it be like to live with love? Does it actually mean anything to me? Perhaps it's just an illusion people put in their heads to make believe they need someone else to be... complete. To be more than what they can be on their own.

A moment of silence in my world is a moment to think, or overthink. I wouldn't say it's something to be proud of, since it is very taxing. However, sometimes the results are fruitful. Other times, I just leave myself with more questions than answers, but that is how I function.

I just need to think, come to some sort of cognitive compromise so I'm not biased from day to day conversations. I don't want to be left in the dark nor do I want to be cynical from all the evidence I have that reality is cruel and daunting.

Maybe I really am split into a more mature, rational headspace and a faux-oblivious, childish mindset. Naivety doesn't make you weak, it just makes you feel more vividly. The first time you feel something is the most intense, and reverting myself back to that; every waking day becomes a new experience and it makes me remember those explosive emotions when I decide to dig up my memories.

The euphoria, of being thanked.

The pain, of being a fake perfection.

All feelings that make me human, expectations are there. When you meet them, you get rewarded, but sometimes you just have to power through with a strength you don't have. Those moments when you're just not enough.

I know I am not enough; therefore, funnily enough, I strive to become myself.

Not necessarily more, I just need to be myself in order to abandon the need to feed my desire to be more.

I will admit it, before I witnessed true love, I've always thought love is whatever I want it to be. I say 'I love you' to Felix and Ryland all the time, it gives me a false sense of understanding for what love would be. But after see it happen to 2 of the most unlikely couples, I realize there is in fact a bigger picture, an objective meaning to everything that I see from start to finish.

I might be an overseer to their stories, but I won't stand here at the edge of a school swimming pool lying to myself about how perfect their love is. Truth is, love is never perfect, in fact, nothing is perfect. But the faith each of them have in their partner or themselves doesn't need words, sure, verbal assurance is always nice, but it isn't necessary. It's there, it exists it's palpable and you feel it. Almost as vividly as tactile interaction.

My heart wonders what it would be like to have someone like Roman who steals loving glances at Aaron even when they lounge around without even a slightly louder breath. Or how it would feel to sleep in each other's arms like Felix and Ryland does every night, savoring each other's soft, gentle caresses.

I guess if that moment comes. Then I will just have to start over and over each day, soaking up every sensation I get and be thankful that someone chose me, and thankful that my heart decided to let me have a taste of love.

That is a big 'if';

After all, one doesn't choose who to fall in love with; especially true in my case.

But if you dig deeper into some 'first times', even if you start anew with a fresh, blank headspace, you still wouldn't have the... privilege, to experience certain things again.

For, there are moments that cannot be recreated.

Like the first time you walk.

Like the first time holding up your high school diploma.

Because you know instantly, in that moment, that no matter what happens, this, would be your first and last; your only time going through that event.

That jolt of electricity,

That weakness in your knees,

That vibration against your eardrum.

"Hello..."

A moment of silence in my world is a moment to think, or overthink. I wouldn't say it's something to be proud of, since it is very taxing.

"I... Sorry... I'm... I have... my nephew is in the library. But I can't see it on the campus map."

But once that moment of silence passes. I start anew, in the naivety I always feigned. Leaving behind all the hurt, all the memories, to greet something... new.

"Evenin'! Oh! That's just right through the playground and up the steps to the left. I can take you. I'm Skylar by the way."

And that one time I look over my shoulder; behind me.

I didn't see a past.

I didn't see a jarring memory.

I didn't see a shadow.

I see a future.

I see a story to be written.

I see a light that matches my own.

So, perhaps...

"Thank you Skylar."

The euphoria, of being thanked.

The pain, of being fake perfection.

I know I am not enough; therefore, I strive to become myself.

So, perhaps... being myself is all I need. Split personality or not, alone or not, naïve or mature, fresh or scarred.

Perhaps... being myself is more than enough.

Perhaps... shadows don't matter. Be it your dark past, your insecurities, the shell for your perfectly imperfect self, a secret, an emotion.

Everything that shadow entails, really doesn't matter.

For, every shadow needs a light;

Some are naturally a light;

Some manifest their own;

It all comes down to perspective. Aaron, Roman, Felix and Ryland were all shadows, but only in their heads.

Now? They have their own personal light that only they see in their partners.

And if we all focus on our light,

Would a shadow be worth anything?

For me. My light comes form in a firm, burly man. A total mystery, save for the undeniable brightness emanating from him. A tiny sheepish smile, unfit for a tall man such as him. My light is –

"Oh right, Lance. My name is Lance."

My light is Lance.