As soon as the front door clicks closed, I abandon the dishes in the sink, and I head for the living room where Gwen retreated with the kids.

"What's going on with you and Ash?" I ask, not bothering to sit down. Gwen is my sister, and I take a lot of her shit, but Ash shouldn't have to take one ounce of it.

"He doesn't like me." Gwen shrugs. "Go figure."

"He's not the type to just not like someone," I say.

"Apparently he is. Maybe you don't know him as well as you think you do." She lets out a huff of annoyance. "He's an arrogant prick. A hot, arrogant prick. But he knows he's hot. Like, the worst kind of guy."

"Ash?" I can't keep the shock out of my voice, and I almost follow it up with my Ash. He is hands down one of the best men I've ever met. He can negotiate Joey out of a tantrum faster than me, has more patience than me, and he takes criticism better than me. Something has gone seriously wrong if that's not the version Gwen has met.

"Yeah, Ash. The guy you're likely sleeping with. I mean the two of you were even dressed alike the day I arrived."

I open my mouth to explain, but she keeps going.

"Which, just so you know, sleeping with him won't go anywhere. You know that right? It's like a total dead end. You're too old for him." She slaps a hand over her mouth. "Oh, my god. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't think I meant that." A frown creases her brow.

I'm not getting into the complexities of whether I will or won't sleep with Ash. Even hugging him in the kitchen just now made me realize how much I've missed the routine we've had in this house. Giving into the attraction between us will only make leaving harder later, or we'll split up, and my whole life will go to hell in a handbasket while I'm still here.

At this point, I'm not even sure which outcome is more likely, and for a planner, that uncertainty is stressful. Our age difference has become my least concern. That's more of a long-term problem, and I'm concerned with the next few months. Gwen wouldn't understand the push-pull.

For the rest of the night while we're putting the kids to bed and tidying the living room, Gwen makes multiple critical comments, seems to catch herself, apologizes, and then we continue on. It's such odd behavior for her, that I'm not sure what to say when she says she's sorry.

She used to say I was overly critical of her, and I think before I had Joey, I might have been. I don't know. With four years difference between us, not to mention our personality quirks, we've never been close in the traditional sense.

But once Joey was born, a lot of things in me softened, and I think being here in England has smoothed more of my sharp edges. Her lackadaisical attitude toward life doesn't bother me the same way it used to when I lived in Michigan and saw her all the time. I've got no desire to spar with her or argue with her about things that aren't important. I've got no energy for it.

By the end of the night when we're on the couch watching TV, Gwen turns to me. "He said I was mean to you, and he said I needed to stop it. I told him I wasn't. But he's right, and it's kind of infuriating. I am mean to you for no reason."

"He said you were mean to me?" My hand splays across my chest, and my heart constricts at Ash standing up for me. Maybe I should be outraged that he interfered in my relationship with my sister, but that's not how I feel.

"And told me to quit it like I was a child. That's important part. He scolded me like I was a kid. Called me thick, and I thought he was calling me fat."

"What?" I laugh. "Thick means—"

"Idiot, yeah. He explained that to me too."

Everything is making a lot more sense. When there'd been the heavy tension over dinner, I'd worried that Gwen had tried something with Ash and he'd turned her down, or that something had actually happened.

Ash and I aren't together, and I've witnessed firsthand how persistent my sister can be. Gwen is closer to his age, and I thought maybe a bit more the type of person he'd find attractive. Fun and impulsive. Up for a good time, always. Wouldn't be the first time a guy I was interested in or dating took too much notice of my sister.

She's also made a point of going on every night about his hotness and how his attractive rating skyrocketed when she saw him with Chloe. She already thought he was vintage Brad Pitt levels, so I can only imagine where the scale went after that. Can't argue with any of her assessments, but hearing my sister gush over him hasn't been my favorite thing.

"If it helps," I say, "I think we probably both used to speak to each other that way. Or we did, for a long time."

"It doesn't help," Gwen cries. "Your nanny thinks I'm a terrible person. Normally, I feel sorry for your nannies because you're such a—" She slaps a hand across her mouth. "I can't stop!" Her words are muffled by her palm.

"You're part of the reason he's even still here," I say. "He was so out of his depth when he decided to become a nanny."

"You didn't want to lose the bet that badly?"

"It wasn't just that, but yeah, it played a factor. I also don't have Mom and Dad here to foist Joey onto when I decide someone isn't working out." Although I'd never say it to anyone else, I also knew from the emails and texts Ash and I exchanged when I thought he was a woman, that he was in a very tight spot when he took the job. Being fired would have been catastrophic for him, and it's hard to fault someone who works so hard to improve. He might have been out of his depth, but he learned to swim quicker than most.

"He's great with the kids. I might think he's kind of an asshole, but Joey actually listens to him. He didn't listen to me at all today."

Not exactly what I want to hear. Ideally, Joey listens to whatever adult is in charge if what's being asked of him is safe and reasonable. At least with Chloe around, I'm confident Joey is getting better at sharing the time and attention of an adult. He also has, as far as I'm concerned, a great male role model in Ash.

"Was he rude to you today?" While it's hard for me to imagine given every interaction I've ever seen or had with him, I can't discount the possibility just because I don't like it.

Gwen sits back in the couch with her arms crossed and seems to think about it before releasing a deep sigh. "No. I mean, I wish I could say yes because I'm sure you'd give him hell. But he wasn't. Really straightforward and to the point." She purses her lips and stares at me. "Which is you in a nutshell. Straight to the point. The two of you must have some interesting conversations."

"I think we're pretty honest with each other."

"I could see that." Gwen tucks her long, wavy brown hair behind her ears. "If he hadn't been annoyed with me, personally, it would have been hot." She lets out a little laugh. "He was super protective of you."

"I feel pretty protective of him too," I admit, even as warmth rushes through my body.

"You're one hundred percent sleeping with him, and you just don't want to tell me."

"I'm not. Seriously. We're not." If she hadn't arrived when she did, we might be.

"Where's Chloe's mom? Seems weird for him to be single."

I glance toward the door of the living room. There are a lot of things about Ash that I'd gladly tell my sister, but I'm very aware that Imogen isn't a subject I can discuss with anyone—not even his friends let alone my sister who he doesn't appear to like very much.

"Out of the picture," I say with a shrug. "Not much to say."

"You don't need to tell me, or maybe you don't know. From my experience, if he left her, you're probably in the clear. But if she left him? Let's just say I can see how she might realize the grass is not at all greener in someone else's yard. You know what I mean?"

The thought has crossed my mind as well. Ash claims he doesn't understand why she abandoned them, and maybe he doesn't. But I remember those first few months after having a baby, how hard everything was, how tired I was all the time, how grateful I was for any and all breaks.

No matter how much you want a baby, you can't prepare yourself for that reality. To have someone dependent on you 24/7 is a whole new world. While getting overwhelmed and running away isn't something I'd do, I can understand how it might happen. It's whether she's the type to realize her mistake and try to correct it.

"He's the perfect nanny, and it would be really stupid of me to let us get more involved than we already are." Saying it out loud makes it sound more solid than in my head. A proclamation. Even after my sister leaves, I'm not going to let lust rule my life.

"Definitely risky," Gwen says. "Which is why I would one hundred percent go for it if I was in your shoes. But I can appreciate that you've never really liked those shoes the same way I do."

A statement of fact rather than a criticism, and I think we both realize what she's done because we stare at each other in amazement.

"I can be honest without being mean," Gwen says with a laugh. "Who knew?"

"I'll try to be more careful with my words too," I say. "Because I think it would be genuinely nice if we were closer."

"You know," Gwen says, and tears spring to her eyes. "Ash kind of pointed out to me today that there are a lot of things I love about you, and I don't always express them in the right way. Or at all. But I do love you. A lot. And I really look up to you. I'm sorry that's not what I've been saying out loud when that's exactly how I feel."

"Aww, Gwenie," I say, and I drag her into a hug. "I love you too. We're just really different people, and maybe we've got to figure out how to celebrate those differences instead of criticizing them."

She draws back and wipes the tears under her eyes with her fingertips. "I went to this crystals and incense party the other night, and they were talking about ways to reframe our thinking. And I just need to like, reframe my outward narrative about you. Because inside, it's all love, and maybe...maybe a bit of jealousy that your life is always so organized and mine is constantly a mess."

"I admire your risk taking and spontaneity," I say. I'd never want to live her life, but I do sometimes wonder whether life is easier when you drift where the current takes you instead of swimming upriver all the time. "But if you ever want help picking a direction, I'm here for you."

"And if you ever want approval for catastrophic spontaneous decisions, such as sleeping with your hot nanny, I'm behind you, cheering you on."

"You can cheer for it all you want, but it won't be happening." The more distance I have between our kiss and being able to follow through on it, the more complicated the reality seems. The lust haze clouded my brain, which isn't the first time that's happened to me, but it's never taken quite so long to clear. There's no doubt in my mind anymore that Ash and I are better off leaving things as they are.

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