A lunar eclipse can only happen if a number of variables all come together in perfect symmetry, at the perfect moment in time. The full moon passes directly behind the earth and is swallowed up by its shadow. But for this to happen, the Sun, Earth and moon have to align precisely. This is known as syzygy.

And that’s how my relationship with Damien was. So many things had to align perfectly, at just the right place, at just the right time and in just the right order for this moment to have happened. For this moment to even exist. Look a little closer at the seemingly disordered chaos of the past few days and a pattern emerges. A pattern that is ordered, structured and has a singular purpose.

Michael needed to leave me at the altar. I needed to be so distraught that I wore my pyjamas onto the plane thus attracting Damien’s attention. I needed to enter the toilet at the exact moment that he was exiting, so we could bump into each other and be introduced. I needed to get sick on the plane so that I would have a reason to talk to him later at the airport when I tried to apologise. We needed to be talking together and standing at just the right place and time for security to have seen and arrested us. We needed to be arrested so that Damien would lose all his money trying to save his dignity, and so that I would offer him a place to stay for the night. The following day we needed to be at the same restaurant, at the exact same time and he needed to have brought me to Burning Moon.

It was all so clear now. Everything had happened exactly the way it was supposed to. Coincidence. Synchronicity. Call it what you like. But this whole time when I’d been cursing Karma, the Gods, the invisible director and the evil writer bitch on her Mac for causing my life to fall apart, it was actually all coming together, I just didn’t know it…until now.

In fact, you could say that my entire life had been orchestrated so that this moment, right here, right now, could happen.

We’d stayed up talking for most of the night, and with each word, every story and funny anecdote we told each other, my feelings for him deepened. They grew and increased and expanded at such a rate that I felt totally overwhelmed. Was it even possible to feel this way about a person? I’d been crazy about Michael when we’d first met, but it wasn’t like this, not even vaguely. In fact, they were beyond any form of comparison; my feelings for Michael were a tepid dripping tap, this was a raging waterfall.

In typical first-night fashion, we’d wanted to know everything about each other. Every detail; favourite colour, favourite flavour ice cream, first childhood memory, grade school teacher, first kiss, first date, favourite movie, band, TV series -- and then we’d moved onto the bigger things, like previous relationships. I discovered that Damien had had one serious relationship, but that they’d just grown apart after three years. I tried to pry for her surname as subtly as possible, so that when the first opportunity arose I could stalk her on Facebook, look at all her pictures and see if we had any friends in common so I could ask them about her. You know, the usual. We spoke about his sister, his family and the expectations they had for him that he could not, and did not want to meet. I told him about Sue and Val and more about my mother; I had a lot of anecdotes to share about her.

We’d cuddled. We’d stroked each other’s hair. We’d held onto each other. We’d kissed for what seemed like hours and stared longingly into each other eyes. And then we’d finally slept. Wrapped tightly together. All in all, the most perfect evening of my life.

***

The light from the sun crept towards us, bringing with it the early morning humidly. I opened my eyes and saw that Damien was up and sitting on a cushion staring at me.

“How long have you been awake?” I mumbled, still half asleep.

“A while.” He smiled at me, his face looked completely different this morning. “I’ve been watching you sleep.”

*Sigh

This was one of those true Hallmark moments. The soft-focus final scene in the Hollywood romance, where the music swells and the characters declare their undying love for each other. It was a knight in shining armour, slaying the fire-breathing dragon and happily ever after in a castle moment. It was the pages of a Mills & Boon novel, it was the lyrics of an R&B song and the soppy romantic tunes of Kenny G with his terrible hair and cheesy saxophone. It was butterflies in your stomach and a whole new world of beautiful possibilities, and the anticipation of tomorrows spent together.

It was all that and much, much more. Last night, I’d opened myself up to him and he’d filled me with love. God, when I realised what I was thinking, I actually blushed. It was official people; I’d been reduced to a puddle of corny sentimentality. A whispering of sweet nothings, swooning, sighing, heart-beat-a-quivering kind of gal. And looking at him looking at me, I could see he felt the same way.

*Big Sigh

It had to be syzygy.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked as the staring intensified.

And, OhMyGod Damien blushed. I didn’t think it was possible.

“Now I have to know what you’re thinking,” I said, perking up.

The blush again. “Honestly, I feel a bit overwhelmed actually. Probably like someone who suddenly finds out they won the lotto or something. I’m in shock. It almost feels too good to be true.”

Now it was my turn to blush. “I... I... feel the same way,” I managed to stutter.

“I’m glad,” he said with a smile that lit up his whole face.

“So Lilly, what to do today?”

“What is there to do?" I said, holding my hand over my mouth for fear of asphyxiating him with my morning breath.

“There’s usually a big breakfast, followed by some more swimming, partying etc, etc, but I usually leave after breakfast."

“Sounds good to me.”

But then his eyes suddenly darkened. “You’re so sexy in the morning, I think I’m going to have to do something with you first, though.”

I was suddenly a coy schoolgirl, “What are you going to do with me?”

“Everything. Absolutely everything I can think of.”

He leaned over me and pushed me into the hard floor. He wasted no time and I felt his hands move down my body, pushing my legs apart. I gasped as he moved them under my bikini bottoms and touched me. I surrendered to the feelings. Michael and I had done all this before, but never with the same kind of physical intensity I was experiencing now; throbbing, writhing, agonising pain mixing with pleasure. Damien knew what he was doing, and with only the soft touch of his fingers, he broke me in half again. But this time I felt more comfortable with him, and all the shyness and modestly I once possessed was gone. My sexuality had lain dormant up until this moment, and it felt like Damien had turned on a tap that was not going to be closing any time soon. I wanted him to show me and teach me everything I didn’t know. I wanted it all.

And he gave it to me. He explored every inch of my body with his hungry hands, mouth and hot tongue. He was the one behind the wheel now, and I was just the passenger, going along for the ride. He bent me and manipulated me and moved me to his will. His whim. His desire.

When he finally gave me what I was now loudly and repeatedly begging for, I cried out instantly as he pulled me on top of him. He was strong. Stronger than I’d thought and I felt like a fragile rag doll in his arms. I wouldn’t have been able to resist him, even if I’d tried. His hands gripped my waist so tightly that I was sure he’d leave bruises. I hoped he would, because I wanted to walk away from this with his mark on my body. I wanted to be branded by him. His possession.

Sometimes he was slow and deep, and other times fast, and forceful. All inhibitions were gone now and I told him what I wanted, how I wanted it and when it felt good. I never thought that I'd be the kind of girl to do all that. But Damien made me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet and with him, I was alive. More alive than I’ve ever been.

There was nothing tender or gentle about what we were doing now. It was about fulfilling a desperate need. And we couldn’t get enough of each other. It was amazing. I’d never imagined that sex could be this good. Mind blowing.

The pace built, and during the heavy breathing and moaning I heard Damien say, “You’re amazing, Lilly.” I wanted to say something back, but I couldn’t speak. We were racing towards the finish line now. Damien had somehow managed to get me up against the wall, I can’t even tell you how or when he’d lifted me up, but I was pinned. The cold wall felt hard against my back, and Damien had wrapped my legs around him.

As he was coming, he’d grabbed my face between his hands and stared into my eyes. I watched as they glazed over and it was beautiful. He was beautiful. He kissed me when it was all over. “I’m so fucking in love with you, Lilly.”

My heart screamed in my chest, every neuron in my brain fired and was flooded with intoxicating Dopamine and every nerve ending stung.

No words had ever meant so much.

“I love you, too. I love you.”

***

Breakfast was a rowdy affair. Partygoers were still drunk and happy after the night’s festivities. Damien and I were in high spirits too, walking around like a young couple in love -- which we were -- holding hands and whispering sweet nothings. I felt so proud to have him on my arm. He was my guy. Mark and Bruno also seemed pleased, judging by the wolf -whistles we got.

Jess and Sharon were a bit worse for wear when we finally found them in a tent on the beach with hoodies and sunglasses on. Jess was cursing those red and yellow cocktails, and Sharon was cursing the fact she’d mixed them with a brownie obtained from the Rastafarian contingent. They both declared that this had been the best Burning Moon ever and, much to my delight, Damien had jumped in quickly and not only said that it had been his best Burning Moon, but probably the best night of his life.

Of course this made me flush a deep crimson that didn’t go unnoticed by Jess. I was starting to learn that she was one of those people who loved to jump on the bandwagon. She reminded me of my older brothers who had teased me endlessly when I got my first boyfriend, went on my first date and got all dressed up for a guy.

"Best night, huh?” Jess winked at us. And then she did something that made me laugh and cringe all at the same time, suddenly she started singing that Will Smith song, “Na, na, na, na, na, getting jiggy with it.”

Damien reached forward and pulled her dark glasses off, exposing her sensitive eyes to the blinding sun. She winced and threw her hands up in defeat.

“That will teach you,” Damien said, waggling a finger at her.

“Come Lilly, let's swim," Damien said, suddenly pulling me up from the sand. I shrieked as he picked me up in his arms and ran towards the water. We both tumbled in, splashing everyone in the nearby vicinity. They all whooped and splashed us back.

The water was warm.

The sun was bright.

And I drank in my surroundings.

“This feels like the most remote place on earth,” I said.

“Wait until you see some of the Temples in the Jungles of Malaysia.”

“I’d like to see that one day.”

“Not one day, next week.

I looked at Damien, confused. “What do you mean next week?”

“Well, we’re off to Malaysia next week.” He was still happily splashing in the water.

I had a bad feeling. What was going on?

“I’m going home tomorrow…” I said tentatively.

Damien suddenly stopped and the colour drained from his face in one swift motion. “But I thought…” His eyes betrayed his feelings. “I assumed that you would be coming with me. Aren’t you?”

My heart started racing and a desert formed in my mouth.

“I have a life. I... I…” I was stammering. My tongue felt twice its usual size and it made the words stick.

“But I thought, because you didn’t get married, and you came on your honeymoon alone, I thought you wouldn’t be in a rush to get back.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, “I have work though. Family. Friends. I can’t just up and leave.”

“It’s not forever. It’s only a year.”

“A year! That’s a long time. I’m still busy finishing my law articles and working, I have some clients now and…”

Damien suddenly swam away from me.

“Where are you going?”

He disappeared under water. This was no time to be running away from the conversation and suddenly I was pissed off. I folded my arms and waited for him to resurface.

“Sorry, I just needed a moment of silence to think,” he said, standing up and running his hands through his wet hair. God he was beautiful.

“You’re only 23, Lilly. You have your whole life ahead of you to work. One year isn’t going to kill you. It will be an adventure.”

I couldn’t believe what he was saying. But then I suppose I hadn’t thought about what would happen after today. I hadn’t once thought about the actual logistics of having a relationship with Damien. We hadn’t discussed it. But we hadn’t exactly planned this either.

Tears welled up in my eyes, “I…I…” That bloody stammering again.

Damien stared at me as if he was trying to read my thoughts.

“Shit!” He said.

“Shit!”

He made a sudden and very hasty exit for the beach. I followed him.

“Where’re you going?’ I was struggling to keep up he was moving so fast.

“Somewhere were we don’t have an audience.”

He walked across the beach to one of the tents and sat down inside. I followed.

“So let me get this straight,” I didn’t like his tone now, it was cold and angry. “So after last night, you’re just going to go back home?”

“I could say the same for you," I lashed out, “Why don’t you come back with me?”

“That’s totally impossible. I have a years worth of flights booked. Friends I’m meeting in China, more friends in Japan. A friend's wedding in Russia. I have plans.”

“And I don’t have plans?” I hissed back at him sarcastically.

Damien paused and the mood changed again.

“Just come with me, Lilly. I know you’re not the dishwashing for money, backpacking type of girl, but I actually have lots of money, shitloads in fact, we can do it in style. Not the dirty student way. We’ll stay in nice hotels, I won’t make you strip in nightclubs to earn travel money. We’ll fly business class. It will be fun.” He grabbed a fistful of sand and let it run through his fingers. I could see he was hurting. “I can’t offer you marriage and children and stuff like that. And I know that’s what you want. I’m not saying that stuff won’t ever come, but not in the near future, that’s for sure. But what I can offer you is my love and the biggest adventure of our lives.”

My heart broke as I listened to him. I wanted nothing more than to go with him, but I had a whole life back home. How could I just pick up and leave; rent, bills, job, friends, family, study. I couldn’t just press pause for a year.

“I can’t.” The words felt physically painful to say.

Damien looked away from me.

“So what was last night about? I thought it was..." He cut himself off and tossed a handful of sand against the tent wall. “Never mind. Clearly I was wrong.”

He started getting up and I felt the panic rise again. I grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back.

“Wait. Stay. Let's talk about this.”

He sat down again. “What’s there to talk about? I knew it was too good to be true. I meet a girl, a fucking amazing girl, and I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and we wake up the next morning and we realise that our lives are totally incompatible. We’re on different paths and they are so far apart that…”

My tears came.

They ran down my cheeks as his words sunk in.

Damien leaned forward and wiped them away. He was so tender and loving that it only made the situation a million times worse.

”It’s okay, Lilly. It’s life. The timing is off for us. What can I say?”

“But I don’t want it to be,” I wept.

“But you can’t come with me and I can’t come with you, so what can we do?”

The gravity of this situation was starting to sink in.

“But I love you, Damien.”

“I know. I love you too.” He paused for the longest time and I could sense something bad was coming. “As good as last night was, I kind of wish it hadn’t happened. Because it’s just taken this whole thing from disappointment to…” he paused again, “heartbreak.”

My crying intensified and Damien wrapped his arms around me. We held each other tightly. And I wondered if this would be that last time.

“I’m not sorry about last night,” I loosened myself from his grip and looked up at him, “It was my first time”

He looked completely shocked, “I didn’t know that.” He almost said that with regret.

“Well, I didn’t tell you.”

Yes, that looked like regret in his eyes. “I’m sorry."

“I’m not," I said firmly. “You were the right guy.”

And then he stood up again and the sense of finality hit me like a bowling ball in the stomach.

Why couldn’t I go? Why couldn’t I just say ‘fuck it’ and go with him? But no matter how many times I mulled the thought over in my head the answer stayed the same. I just wasn’t capable of leaving my whole life behind. Maybe I was a coward, maybe I was stupid, whatever, but that was my reality right now. I just couldn’t.

“Do you want me to come with you to the boat? I know there are a lot leaving today?”

I looked out at the water. Large groups of people were starting to leave. “No. It’s okay. I’ll go with one of the groups."

He smiled at me. “I’m sure they’ll all be very honoured to have a celebrity in their midst.”

Stabbing in my chest.

Tightening throat.

Nausea.

Pounding head.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

He knelt down next to me and kissed me. One last time. It was so soft and tender and so full of love. But it was also just a painful reminder of what I would be missing.

“Take care of yourself. Keep in touch over Facebook. I’ll be back in a year and, well… who knows?”

“You’ll probably have found some hot chick by then and forgotten all about me,” I offered jokingly, even though the thought had just ripped a hole through my brain.

He looked very serious suddenly, “That is very doubtful. Very. You’re going to take a very long time to get over, Lilly.”

And then he was walking away from me across the beach.

I sat there for a while, shell-shocked at what had just happened.

Devastated.

My heart had been ripped out of my chest and was lying next to me in the sand, and I had no idea how I would ever, ever, get it back in and fix it.