Alexisonfire - Young Cardinals

Working with Chimarah was surprisingly helpful, and it felt amazing to be able to train again, to fight again, even if I went easy on her when we weren't using her Gift. When she did use her Gift we didn't actually fight, instead I would simply try to sense her, her location, her movements. Occasionally she would throw a punch or kick at me, but I was rarely able to dodge them, even when I knew one was coming. I could sense she had moved, but I was always slightly off. She promised to continue working with me, a little smile on her face. I knew she was excited to be able to beat a Half, even if it was in a cheap way, without my Shift.

It felt strange not using my Shift in training, not even pulling from it, but I supposed it would help me in the long run, and I didn't need the extra power against Chi. She hadn't lied when she said fighting wasn't a strength of hers. Since my beginning had been with a Clan so powerful, so apt at killing, it seemed almost comical how far Chi was from them. This Clan was stealth, not strength, behind the scenes, not the front line, and they seemed content that way. Even the twins, who seemed the violent type, didn't seem to mind their passive existence.

There were many times during my and Chi's sparring that I would catch myself smiling, a cold smile, one of violent enjoyment, but then I would notice her face, set in concentration, the edge of fear always in her eyes. I wondered if that was how Gabriel felt when he had trained with me, at least in the beginning, constantly having to remind himself to go easy, to not try, to go slow and leave openings for me every once in a while so I'd learn when to take them. It was strange, and fueled my need to hunt at night even more, my desire for blood being stoked with each lessen I would try to teach Chi, with each blow I wouldn't deal, with each punch I pulled.

Within four hours I could tell she was tired and wanted to stop, and though I had only wet my appetite, I pretended to be winded. Syn had been watching the entire time, intense interest in his wide, gold-flecked eyes. Horn and Halo had watched too, though they feigned much less interest than their brother. Spade had pretended to read, but never turned a single page. He had to heal Chi three times, when I forgot how green she was and used a little too much skill, a little too much speed, in an attack I had erroneously thought she would dodge or counter. Spade gave me a look like I'd punched a kitten with each heal he gave her. Chi didn't seem to mind her injuries as much as her caretaker though, which made me feel slightly less guilty as he mended her shattered bones for the third time. I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn't a child, that I wasn't abusing a helpless kid but sparring with the leader of a Clan. That helped ease my mind, at least a little.

After our sparring session, I decided to try and mimic what my days used to consist of with the Clan, at least as much as I could. I didn't want to stop learning, to stop growing, and though it made my stomach roll just to think of the time I had spent with Kael in training, I knew I should keep it up. Maybe I could teach Chimarah and her brothers too, but I would let them choose that.

I went to my cot and sat, closing my eyes and trying to focus on my Sign, on feeling it and learning it more. I practiced making the little shelves of packed air to lift things, practiced my control of how to turn them or make them move in the ways I wanted. I had never been great at geometry and that didn't seem to have changed much in the past months, I often found my angles were off. I tried to think of other ways I could use my Sign, use the air around me, but I was woefully uncreative.

It was relaxing but exhausting. It made my mind sore but gave me a feeling of accomplishment as well. I didn't need a teacher, I had enough knowledge to teach myself, to practice things on my own. I had a smug smile on my face as I thought of a life alone, a life independent from others, not relying on anyone, not needing anyone. I told myself Chi would be the last person I'd ever need anything from, that I would survive and even thrive on my own, but I knew that was just a fantasy for now. The warehouse was a safe base and I liked the seclusion from the city. Two things I needed.

Eventually, I switched my focus to my Gift, and did the same thing; flexed it, trying to know it more, to feel it more. It was slightly more difficult than my Sign to work with, since I only had a limited number of minds to practice on and I didn't really want to dive into any of them, except Syn's maybe, but that felt like an invasion on him. I danced around the twins' minds a little, working at just barely skimming their surfaces, then I tried to only hone in on thoughts of myself, only listening when I heard my name, so to speak. That proved interesting, but hardly worth practicing. Within two hours I was bored.

I wished I had a Book of Dust. I could remember reading that for hours, never tiring of it, never getting enough of the history or information it held. I missed the manor's library. I supposed I could have gone to it, broken in and spent the afternoon reading, but the thought of returning hurt somewhere deep in my chest and I quickly decided against it.

By five o'clock as the Clan discussed if they wanted take-out or to suffer Spade's cooking, I was lying on my back, throwing my knives at the ceiling, then using my Sign to pry them out and make them gently float back down to me. Throwing things straight up was much more difficult than forward, and I had had some close calls because of poor aim, but it was the most interesting thing I could think to do.

It would be dark within the hour, nightfall came early this time of year, and I could feel my Shift begging to be let out. Instead, I kept throwing, listening for the thunk of a good hit and then making little whirlwinds around the handle, wiggling it out of the wooden beam high above me in the lofted ceiling. Sometimes I let my Sign catapult the knife into the beam, but that had begun to give me a headache. I swung my feet to the ground as Syn's mind touched mine.

Are you going out tonight?

I gave him a slight nod that none of the others saw, as they were now deciding on which pizza place they'd order from. I absently wondered where they got their money, though I suppose Chi could just black out the server, take the food and go.

Could I come? I'm a better fighter than Chi, and I would like the practice.

Syn's question snapped me from my thoughts and I gave him an incredulous look, knowing his real reason for wanting to join me.

I would like to see you in action. You were barely trying against Chi. You're an awful actress.

I smiled at his honesty. I liked that he didn't dance around subjects often, he was direct, blunt, though I imagined he was that way because he spoke so rarely. Why waste the few words he gave?

I nodded again, letting him know he could join me. Maybe having another with me would be the spur in my side I needed to actually do what I set out to do, instead of getting caught up in the city or my own memories, or wandering back to the manor, something I prayed I would never do again.

Chi was watching us now, her dark eyes flicking between Syn and me, waiting to confirm a sign of communication, but Syn didn't say anything else, he just smiled down at the book he was reading before flipping the page. Eventually Chimarah gave up and went back to scouring the phone book in her lap, since she had designated herself as the final vote on pizza venues.

I spent the next quarter hour choosing my weapons, giving them a final clean, fastening them to their various holders and deciding what Angel names I would call on. I wished I knew one for warmth. Syn watched me as he chewed his greasy pizza. Strangely, the scent of it made me sick, it had meat on it, and it had been many months since I had eaten meat. My stomach twisted for more than one reason when Chimarah offered me some.

By the time the Clan was finished eating and back to their usual evening rituals, Syn had discretely placed his own glass knives in leather sleeves, on both his belt and wrists. He mirrored me when I stood and began putting on my coat and whatever other warm attire I could find in my pitifully small pile of clothes. Chi took notice when he walked over to my side of the room, standing close to the door.

"I didn't know you had any errands tonight?"

Her voice sounded pleasant, but I knew she didn't think it was a coincidence we were both bundling up at the same time, she knew we were going out together, she just wanted him to admit it. Syn merely shrugged, giving her a wink as he disappeared out the open doorway, rolling it closed behind him. One of the perks of not being able to speak I suppose, you never had to ask permission.

I felt Chimarah's eyes on me, but I tried to pretend to be busy with my buttons as I walked to the door. I almost made it before her voice rang out.

"Keep 'im safe like we've done ta ya. Tis only fair ya care for him."

Her accent was heavier, as it usually was when she was battling strong emotions. I gave a short nod before rolling the door open and stepping out into the still, cold night.

Syn stood around the corner, an impish smile on his lips. I merely waved off the question on his mind as I walked past. I heard his footsteps fall in behind me a moment later.

I headed toward the city lights this time, rubbing my hands together against the cold. I didn't own any gloves that wouldn't hinder my hunting. About eight blocks later I realized my blunder, my hands were getting so cold they were moving slowly, something that would make a fight much more difficult than having thick gloves on. I thought of going back, but I didn't want to see Chimarah's stern little face.

As if Syn was the one with my Gift, he handed me a pair of wool, half-finger gloves, a heather grey color with thin leather pads on the palms. I smiled up at him as I pulled them on, immediately feeling the bite of the cold subside. Sometimes he reminded me of a genie. I could tell he was trying to stay silent, not wanting to make me regret letting him join, but it was impossible for me to stay in my own head with him there. I was actually grateful for his presence, if I didn't get stuck in a mental loop, then I wouldn't get torn up by my memories. I could focus on the reason I was out instead.

"You can talk, I won't send you back home."

I hated how fond I was of Syn, but it was difficult not to feel familiar with him, he gave off a feeling of stability, of constantness. He was a kind person, understanding. Silence never seemed strained with him either, for obvious reasons, but it was still something I appreciated.

Where are we going? How do you normally do this? We aren't going after the one who killed Jevin, are we? That Fallen?

"No, not yet. I don't know enough about him yet. If you hear anything though, will you let me know?"

Syn nodded, obvious relief in his eyes.

"I don't have any specific target tonight. What I usually did if I was out hunting on my own is go to a seedy area...it's easy to find someone there. Stopping a murder, a mugging, a rape, you'd be surprised how much goes on in this city, every night, everywhere. It's sick how easy it is. I hear people's thoughts, their plans, and then it's simple to stop them, permanently."

I tried not to smile, but just the thought of a killing made me feel giddy. Syn's face showed me he didn't quite feel the same.

"I only kill those that deserve it."

How do you know they deserve it? How can you judge that?

My first thought was that it was my Gift, that I could tell the person's past, their thoughts, their mind, and that that was enough to give me evidence against them, but I knew that wasn't really the case, not fully. There had been times I just knew someone was evil and other times I would stop an attempted crime, but not end up killing the culprit. Sometimes I would merely stop the event. I was silent for a moment as we walked, trying to think of a way to accurately describe how I could tell, how I could judge others. Abraham's words came to my mind, unwanted yet perfectly on queue.

James was very perceptive of people's intentions, their souls...He could read people extremely well, do you have a similar skill?

I shook his words from my mind, refusing to believe I was somehow becoming more like Gabriel, with visions or judgments or anything else. I didn't want to be like him. I had hoped that the Book of Dust's exposition of all the ways True Pairs could share parts of one another would be void if the Pair were no longer together, were no longer connected, but what if that wasn't the case? I didn't want to be like him, become more like him. I hated him.

Syn patiently waited for my answer, and though I didn't like the one I came atup with, it was the only one that made sense.

"I'm very perceptive of people's intentions, their souls. Plus, with my Gift, it's easy to separate the evil from the misguided."

I didn't like how similar my explanation was to how Abraham had described Gabriel, but I didn't see the point in changing the words. Syn hadn't been there, he didn't know whose description I had actually given.

And I thought I had useful Gifts.

"Unfortunately it isn't a science, as you know I've been wrong about people before." My teeth ground out the last words. Syn was quiet after that.

It didn't take long for us to reach a bar in a less-than-savory sector of the city, one the cops rarely even bothered patrolling. I wasn't especially cold yet, but Syn's lips were a pale blue, so we went inside. I told him that sometimes it was easiest to find a target simply by listening and a bar as foul as this one was sure to turn up promise. We sat in a corner booth, my back to the wall so I could watch the crowd before me, watch and listen, touching each of their minds as I made a methodical winding path through the crowded bar. Mind after mind of selfishness, thought after thought of greed or lust or jealousy, each mind held secrets of past transgressions, but none of them had the dark shadow that proved their damnable guilt.

My Shift rolled in me regardless, craving death by its hands. Suddenly a man caught my eyes, black hair combed back from his face, dark eyes and a slim build. He wore an army green jacket, though I immediately knew he couldn't feel the cold. I nudged Syn, who had been watching the bar-folk like he was in a zoo. He clearly didn't get out much.

"The man in the corner across from us is a Vampyre, and not a particularly pleasant one."

I kept my voice low, just barely loud enough so Syn could hear me above the roar of drunken noise around us.

Is he evil?

I smirked at how repetitive Syn's thoughts were, he had asked me that question at least a half a dozen times already as he watched different people, trying to guess what my answer would be.

"Very."

I didn't know how, but I knew without a doubt that this creature was vile. That he had long ago given up the option of being good, of remembering the morals he had held so dear back when his heart beat on its own. Back when he was a human, not a horror story.

"Believe it or not, I rarely kill humans, of the marks I have, only four were and they tried to kill me first."

My voice sounded strained with the effort of keeping my Shift buried in me, but Syn didn't seem to notice.

"Most times I just give them a scare, that's usually enough to have them running to the cops, confessing and begging to be put in prison, as if steel bars could keep them safe from me."

Your marks? Like your targets?

I pulled my sleeve up, showing my tally. Syn leaned forward to get a better look at the scars, each smooth and slightly raised, a perfect replica of the one above and below it.

"These are my marks, my tally. I started it that night, when my Clan left me."

I rubbed the first two, letting my fingers graze over the familiar lines.

"These are Juda's Darklings that I killed in the cemetery."

I pointed to the next three.

"These are humans. They tried to jump me when I was on one of my hunts."

I smiled up at Syn's wide eyes.

"It didn't work out as they had planned."

Lastly, I touched one near the end.

"This was my fourth human. He was strangling another man in an alley not far from here, not his first. He was evil. He didn't deserve prison."

Syn leaned back with a heavy sigh.

I don't envy you. I could never do what you do without completely losing myself. I've killed three men, and I think the only reason I am still alive, still sane, is because I stopped. I rarely use my Shift, I rarely need it. Violence has a strong pull for me, and the only way I can control it is by never letting it breathe. Can you understand that?

I nodded as I pulled my sleeve down, keeping my eyes on the man across the bar from us.

"I think you underestimate what you're capable of, the control you could have if you practiced. You don't have to be like me, but just the fact you asked to come out tonight shows you aren't like the rest of your Clan. Our nature isn't always bad. Violence isn't always wrong, not in my eyes at least."

There was a long pause before Syn addressed me again, so long I almost thought I had offended him, though he didn't strike me as the type with thin skin.

Can I help you kill him tonight?

His question shocked me so much I stopped watching the Vampyre and instead turned my eyes to his. He had a strange mixture of desire and ambivalence in his gold-flecked stare and I nodded immediately.

"There may not be much for you to do, I try to not draw out my kills. I try to be quick about it, so-"

So you don't enjoy it too much, I know. I always imagined I would do the same.

"Then you probably won't be able to help much tonight. But if you come out again, and we find more than one, you can help me there. Vamps can be difficult anyway and I'd prefer to not have a real fight tonight."

I had a pit in my stomach, pulling me down, a nervous feeling I couldn't quite explain. I wanted a fight so badly, one that was difficult, exciting, I had been craving it since my half-sparring with Chimarah, but I knew I shouldn't. I knew I should kill him like a coward, a dagger from behind, a slice of air through his neck, anything that wouldn't require a real challenge, real entertainment. I missed it so much it scared and saddened me all at once.

It was strange that I could tell Syn his nature wasn't all bad, and then immediately shun my own. But he wasn't a Half, he wasn't anything close to me. He could live his entire life as a good person, light. I didn't have that luxury and every moment drew me closer to my nature taking me over. He'd have to try, to constantly work at being good, but at least he knew he could do it, just like I knew I eventually wouldn't be able to. In many ways, I likened Syn to Kael.

He had been a good man, someone who had overcome his nature yet didn't fear his Shift, he didn't fear fights or what would happen if he let himself do what he was made to do. Somehow Syn seemed like that could be Kael one day, like he wouldn't be corrupted by his Shift. I was different and I hated that.