In Fear and Faith - The Solitary Life

If I had wanted to talk with Abby about his choice of tutors after I met Levi, after Cordelia I wanted to flip his desk. She was somewhere north in her sixties, with long, gray hair pulled back into a neat plait, her chin held high as if she were a queen, her eyes a dull blue. She gave off an air of nobility, and also a solemnness that made me feel like we were attending a funeral, she was dressed like it too. I wasn't even completely sure what 'tolerance' meant, or what we would be working on, but as soon as I walked into her office, I felt a knot of dread tighten in my stomach.

I hadn't seen Ember since the woods, but Ailech refused to go looking for her, saying he wanted to be with me for this training. The way his face set when he said it didn't help my nerves. I almost hoped Abby would show up with his calming presence, his peace, just so I wouldn't have to feel my Shift bristling in me, telling me I shouldn't be near this woman, shouldn't be walking toward her, shouldn't be sitting across from her. When Ailech closed the door behind him the entire room fell into silence. Only his footsteps crushing the carpet beneath him could be heard, as if her office was soundproof, all the noises of Vault life blotted out by the click of the door's latch.

"Do you know what Abby has asked me to teach you?"

I shook my head. Ailech standing stiffly next to me.

"I am supposed to hurt you, it is my Gift. I can give pain to others just by wishing it upon them. There is no way to block it, no way to stop me. Ailech will be here to assist you if your body gives out, but this is not a lesson for your body, it is for your mind. Pain can cloud judgment, break down resolve. My purpose is to make you stronger, make you able to take more and stay sharp, stay in control.

I do not enjoy my Gift, which is why Abraham chose me, but I also will not hold back because my ability is a dishonor. You need to learn strength and broaden the threshold of what you can bear, and this is the most humane way to teach you. Though not kind, it is necessary. I apologize for the relationship we must have."

I gave a short nod, not sure how to respond. The woman in front of me looked like a widow, or a somber, formal grandmother. She didn't look like she could hurt me, but I knew looks could be deceiving.

"Please, lie down."

She motioned to a couch. Ailech pulled a chair up to it as I laid down, my heart beating quickly, my Shift still trying to warn me, though now I knew why. I wasn't as afraid anymore, even if my heart didn't seem to get the message. I had been through pain before, more than I cared to remember. Part of me felt like this would be the easiest of my trainings. Pain wasn't something I was unfamiliar with, wasn't something I had to work with, just something I had to endure, and if my life had shown me anything, I was good at enduring.

I still couldn't think of the Serpentine's poison without cringing. Without hearing the chorus of demonic voices in my mind as I was trapped in that hell, arguing if they should take me or let me go, but I had survived it. I had survived death twice before that, and I had survived more pain than I thought was possible. I had survived straining Jevin's blood from my own, survived the withdrawals tearing at my mind, my emotions trying to suffocate me. Even now, every day I fought back the pain of being alone, being rejected, the broken connection between me and my pair. I buried it, blocked it, did whatever I could to survive it. If there was any lesson I had a steady foundation in, it was this one.

I closed my eyes once I settled onto the couch, my jaw tight. I hoped I wouldn't make any noises, show any sign of weakness. I almost hoped it would be like the poison, like being somewhere else. I felt a smile curve my lips as I waited, a part of me looking forward to Cordelia's Gift, to seeing how strong I was, what I was capable of handling. I wanted to have an enemy to fight, even if it was something I couldn't beat, at least I could fight it, tolerate it. After my training with Levi, I desperately wanted to accomplish something.

Maybe a part of me wanted the pain for another reason, because I thought I deserved it, because I felt guilty for what I was, where I was, surrounded by people who were trying to help me. By Abby and Ailech and all the other people who were doing all they could to protect me. Maybe I felt guilty because I didn't deserve the loyalty they gave, the kindness, because I was a monster and a murderer, something dark and twisted that could barely keep its desires covered. Maybe in a masochistic way, I wanted her to hurt me. Even through my dark thoughts, I smiled, waiting to feel fire consume me.

"I'm sorry."

A moment after Cordelia's voice faded, my world plunged into an abyss, void of anything, empty of everything. I couldn't feel the couch beneath me or Ailech's breath stirring the air at my shoulder. I couldn't smell the scent of wood in the office, I couldn't even feel my own body. Then the pain came. I had been expecting it to be physical, on my skin, in my lungs and bones like with the poison, like when I got injured in training or in a fight, but this was different, this was mental. I had thought the mental anguish of losing my connection to Gabriel had hurt, that the emotional pain of losing my Clan had hurt, but this was something I had never felt before, this was different, a new breed, a new world.

My thoughts were shattered. I could feel as they fell away in jagged pieces, my mind couldn't connect. It burned in me, melting and running down me, leaving trails of charred memories behind. My very thoughts hurt, being stabbed, shredded, pulled apart at my core. If I could have screamed I would have. If I could have pulled a breath I would have, but there was nothing I could do, nothing I could feel but the torment, the agony inside my own head, going on and on, forever. In that moment, I wanted nothing but death, nothing but defeat.

I felt something hard under me and then I was back in the office. I was no longer on the couch, but the floor next to it on my knees, curled into myself with my hands clutching my head. I felt the tears on my face and wiped at them before I sat up, Ailech leaning back to give me space. He sat with his knees under him too, his eyes cut like stones, his jaw clenched. I took a slow, shaky breath before looking past him to Cordelia, who was sitting in a chair by her fireplace.

"It will be different every time. My Gift never comes twice the same way to the same person. We will do three trials each time you see me, that was the first."

My Shift was now clawing at me, begging to be let out so it could protect itself, so it could kill this woman before the second trial, but I bit it back. I saw wet lines shining on her cheeks in the orange glow of the firelight, though she didn't look over to me.

"That wasn't very long."

My voice shook as I spoke, my breath coming out in bursts still, but I wasn't embarrassed by it, not after what I had just undergone. I was almost surprised I could speak at all.

"Each trial will be a half-hour, our sessions a hundred and ten minutes, to give you a break between each."

I was amazed that a half hour had passed already, but the clock rhythmically ticking on the wall to my right confirmed her words. I silently thanked the ceiling that time seemed to mean nothing when I was inside her 'trials'.

"I'm ready now, I don't need a break."

Ailech opened his mouth to object but Cordelia spoke first.

"There is no pride in skipping your breaks. My first trial was the gauge where to start with you. You will start higher than Abraham expected."

She looked down at a notebook in her wrinkled hands before continuing.

"Ten minutes before movement, twelve before any noise, seventeen before she screamed. I believe she has been through similar trials before, though not from a Gift such as my own. Vitals stayed constant until twenty-six minutes, though heartbeat was fairly erratic to start, breathing shallow. Not aware of surroundings, no conscious interaction. Subject smiled for the first nine minutes, looking peaceful."

She looked to me when she finished reading her notes, the tear streaks I thought I saw now gone.

"You are welcome to my notes after each trial if you believe it will help your tolerance. I started your pain low, adding to it with each interval, every three minutes. Your vitals became worrying near the end. It is difficult to describe since I have no accurate scale, but I will not forget your level. Though it may not be represented in my notes, I will remember where we leave off. This second trial will be different, I will start somewhere in the center and fluctuate levels to see how you are able to adapt."

I nodded again, not being able to think of any real response. It was taking close to all of my focus just to keep my Shift buried.

"I'm ready now. I prefer not to wait."

I wanted to grab the words as they left my mouth, suck them back in, but I also didn't want to lose my resolve as I waited. In fight or flight situations I was certainly a fighter, but without my Shift, it was difficult to stay seated on the floor. A part of me wanted to run for the door each time Cordelia's somber blue eyes looked away. She looked like she was about to object, but I cut her off.

"I want to get it over with."

She dipped her head in agreement as I closed my eyes.

Her second trial was worse in a way, better in others. The first time had been a searing in my head, a shattering, a melting, this time was a shock. I could feel my body, feel the electricity flowing through my veins, feel my limbs shaking, twitching from the current. It didn't hurt as much, though it fed a feeling of panic deep within me. My mind could think, could form thoughts, at least sometimes, but I hated them even more than the feelings of losing control. My thoughts were of my Pair, of our electricity, his fire, of the feelings my connection brought, pleasure spiked with pain, and I hated that even more than the trial. I remembered him calling our connection a 'sting' and how I had hated that, how I had hated his choice of words. Now I hated that I had ever cared, that his use of noun had upset me.

The electricity spiked sometimes, making me gasp, making me feel my body rattle from its energy, and dulled other times, letting deep soreness set into my muscles, my bones, a shaking weakness that was worse than the pain. Then I was blinded as the electricity turned into something molten, something burning yet frozen. I fought to keep my head clear, or as clear as it had been in the voltage, but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. Again I felt the floor under me, the carpet's raised pattern pressing into my shins and knees. I opened my eyes to find myself in the same position, curled forward, my head at my knees, my hands wrapped around it, though I didn't feel any tears this time. I straightened and saw Cordelia first. She was standing by the mantle, her hands clasped behind her back as she stood straight, her black dress lit up by the fire's flicker.

"Movement immediately, shaking. When level rose she stayed silent, though lower intensities seemed to result in small noises. No screams. Whimper at twenty-three minutes. Vitals steady until twenty-nine minutes, then breathing stopped. Finished trial despite. Not aware of surroundings, no conscious interaction, though mumbles - 'sting'."

I shifted my position on the floor, straightening my shoulders as I tried to ignore the last word she had in her notes, which she had apparently memorized since she was still staring into the fire with her hands held behind her back. Ailech was back in his chair, leaning forward with his chin in his hands, elbows on his knees, he looked tired. I moved back onto the couch, determined to not end up in child's pose on the floor again. I laid down and let my hands rest on my stomach, staring up at the ceiling of the room, begging myself for the strength to get through one more trial, just one more.

I could still feel my hands shaking, though just slightly, so I interlaced them to make the movement unnoticeable. Ailech wasn't fooled, but I gave him a sharp look and he didn't say anything.

"Again."