Dashboard Confessional - Bend And Not Break

Wondering about my vision, at what the point had been, at where Jordan had been, or why I had felt her there if she clearly hadn't been, it all only served to frustrate me more. I wanted to be able to block it out, but seeing my Clan again, really seeing them in the flesh, my true family, not just a nightmare sent from my father, was turning out to be difficult to shake. Like having an old wound reopened and learning the scar wasn't near as strong as you thought it was.

Ambriel tried guessing, taunting me about what she assumed my vision had been of, but I ignored her as usual, not wanting her to know my thoughts, any of them. She knew what my visions used to consist of, deeds I convinced myself I had to stop, lives I thought I had to save, but all her jeers only made me worry more about the seemingly purposelessness of my latest. I had never had one like that before, never had the course of the vision seem so broken, so disjointed. It was just another thing in me that seemed to be wearing away, another part of myself I was losing.

Despite my best efforts, soon the vision was all I could think of, soon every spare thought, every daydream, every time my mind wandered, it was back in the club. It wasn't natural and I knew it. It was an obsession. It was just another corner unraveling, another crack further splitting, another breaking. I was supposed to have seen something, noticed something, learned something, but now it was gone, forever lost to me. The vision had a point. I was sure there was a point, there always was, something big that I had missed, and now my mind, maybe my Gift, was trying to make me see it, cycling around it, making me obsess over it. I hated feeling unprepared, lost, especially when it had to do with my Clan, with Jordan.

I tried to find out where they were but no one knew, not a single one of my contacts. No matter the favors I called in, no matter how numerous, I couldn't find a single clue to what city they were in, what state, what country. I had never had trouble locating someone before, if I wanted them, if I was hunting them, then they were a good as mine, already dead at my feet. But it seemed my luck had turned in the past months, and I was running out of options along with time.

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Abby nodded a lot during my explanation of the vision of my old Clan, his hands steepled in front of him seriously. He only asked once about Gabriel, if I had seen him in any visions, any prophecies. I got the feeling he had expected to hear from my Pair by now, though I was glad he hadn't. I didn't want him here. I didn't want him anywhere near me ever again.

I left Abby's office with the same calm feeling in me I always had, despite the topic of our meeting. I wondered if Ailech knew why, if it was some gift of Abby's or if it was just a way with experienced wizards. Or if it was my 'Gift' of soul searching touching his calm, kind soul.

"Does Abby make you feel better when you talk to him about difficult things? Peaceful or anything?"

He looked over at me like I had spoken an alien language.

"Oh, are you going to talk to me now? Is that what you meant by 'friends'? Because females talk way too much. I hope you aren't like that, all yippy and chatty. I swear if you knock on my door in the middle of the night 'to just talk' I will revoke my friendship."

I didn't reply, just looked over at him dubiously.

"Okay good. And no, or yes, maybe kind of, sometimes. I don't know."

"You do realize you just gave every possible answer to my question, right?"

Ailech ignored my snark and continued.

"He's alright, but I certainly don't feel peaceful around him. He reminds me of why I'm here and that I can't leave, that I'm essentially a prisoner because of my past, because of a plan I understand very little about. Plus, he is the one who assigned me you, and Ember, so my meetings with him aren't exactly something I look forward to very often."

"You love being my babysitter."

"One out of two though, little Fireplace isn't really my style."

"Too young?"

"Too meek."

He smirked over at me, raising his eyebrows. I chuckled, feeling surprisingly at ease talking with him, acting familiar with him. I realized whether I had acted it or not, I was familiar with him. I had spent every waking hour with him for the last ten days, and we both picked up on others fairly quickly. I knew him well already, and he me.

"Well, if I ever find anyone as bold as me, I'll be sure to point her in your direction."

"Bold, really? That's the word you choose to describe yourself? I have some more colorful selections, but hey, whatever you prefer, Mors."

He shrugged as we reached yet another new room. The Vault really was impossibly large. I still hadn't seen it all, not even close it seemed. When we walked in I was surprised to see close to twenty people milling about. I quickly realized we were in one of the Vault's many libraries. A woman stood and walked toward us as soon as the door shut behind me, one who had caught my attention even before she made a move for us. She was close to average height, but that was where her normalcy ended. Everything about her shouted that she was different than the others I had seen at the Vault, than the others in the library, by far.

She looked like the antihero of a graphic novel, and a rebellious one at that. She had her head shaved and more piercings showing than I knew the names for. She looked like someone Kael would have instantly taken a liking to. The thought of him sent a painful bolt through my mind and I winced despite myself.

The woman wore tight, dark pants, and their dull shine suggested leather. I thought she had a patterned shirt on, but once she came closer I saw it was a black tank cut low. And the patterns were tattoos snaking up her arms and peeking out from above her shirt, climbing her neck and twisting around her collarbones. Her eyes were a dull hazel-green and I immediately liked her. She didn't have the greasy feel to her that Danny had, the judgmental air of Grayson or the somber presence that Cordelia did. I smiled as she approached.

"Well, you don't look nearly as scary as I expected. No horns, no pointy tail, no vamp teeth, and they told me you were damned. Running scared little pussies if you ask me."

She held her hand out and I shook it, feeling much better about the prospects of this training than my last.

"I'm Jordan, though my friend calls me Mors."

I sent Ailech a sidelong smirk which he returned.

"Mors? I like it. And isn't it your 'friends' call you that? What, you only got just the one?"

"I'm not a people person."

"Then we'll get along great. I'm Katzen, but people call me Katz."

She turned to look at the small crowd behind us, looking through books or trying to avoid being caught with their eyes on me.

"Look at them, like a bunch of cows." She mooed under her breath. "Personality of farm shit, if you ask me. Same strength of mind too. So, I thought this would be a great little warm-up. What are their names, start on the left and move across the room. I know it's boring shit, but I need a starting point with you, so hang with me, Mors."

I nodded as I opened my Gift, enjoying the feeling of it.

I didn't use it much at the Vault, not wanting to have Abby scold me about personal boundaries but also not wanting to hear all the comments about me as I passed people in the halls, and I knew my Gift didn't work on Ailech anyway, or Abby, because of their blocks. They were the only heads I wished I could get in.

I waded through the mass of thoughts in front of me, just trying to find their names.

"Corin, Ty, Edward, Tao, Jamie-"

My mind snagged on the last one. Even though it wasn't his, it was close enough to make my focus falter. I swallowed before speaking again, pretending I had just paused incidentally.

"Jonathan, Alexander, Marisol, Violet."

"Okay, enough warm-up. You seem decent enough to me. Now, the guy in the corner with the coffee and an 'I'm a misunderstood artist vibe', with the hat on and glasses he probably doesn't need. What's he thinking about?"

I found the man she meant, a thirty-something sitting with a pad of paper looking perplexed as he stared down at it, peering over his glasses awkwardly. His mind was cloudy to me, not blocked really, but not easily accessible either. I concentrated for a few seconds before the fuzzy thoughts began to materialize before me.

"He thinks...he's wondering if he could get a live model to work with, to sketch. He wants a unique subject, he was thinking of doing the demo-"

I paused as I listened more, before sighing and dropping my concentration.

"He wants to draw me because he thinks it would be a one of a kind piece. He doesn't know I'm in here right now. He also doesn't know that I look like anyone else. In his head I basically look like an anime-video-game-demon-cliche."

Katz snorted, slapping her thigh as she leaned over a little.

"Boy, this is going to be fun. I can only hear thoughts about me, but you, this'll be a riot. Now, where did he grow up?"

That was a bit harder than just picking up his thoughts, his past was something he usually would have to show me, or think of in some capacity. Even when I had used my Gift to hunt, back with Chi's Clan, I had to wait until some thought of a target's past flitted through their mind before I could be sure of their guilt. Unless I relied on my 'feeling' about them, about their soul.

I squinted slightly as I concentrated. It was hard enough to even get into this man's mind, let alone try to search for specific information that wasn't on its surface.

"Somewhere...warm...not tropical though. Dry heat...desert?"

Katz beamed at me, the metal rings in her lip perking up at the movement.

"Great. He has an alright block, but clearly not anything you can't bust down. Try me now. Where am I from?

I hadn't directed any of my Gift at Katz, even as I scanned the rest of the room, but when I did I realized her block was quite a bit stronger than the artist's had been. Plus, staring at Katz when she was a foot away from me threw me off a bit. She was attractive in her own way, a hard way, a strong way, not a feminine way at all, but I found it appealing, and no other look would suit her like this one did. Even as unnatural as her appearance was, it seemed completely natural on her. Then I remembered I was supposed to be trying to pick through her brain and pulled my focus once more.

"You..."

I felt my brow wrinkle as I tried to hear anything, pull anything from her, but there was nothing. She spoke a moment later.

"It's okay, I'd be a little insulted if you could take me on on our first day out the gates, without any tips from me even. Focus on my block like it was a building, like a wall in front of you. Look and try to find a weak point, a structural problem, a crack or chip or anything that isn't perfect and seamless."

I focused on her again, trying to picture her mind in mine, trying to visualize her block, but all I felt was nothing, silence.

"Okay, now back to the artist. See if he's easier now."

I looked over to him, but not even a second later I heard Katz voice next to me again.

"Look at me though, you don't have to be looking at the person to find their mind in a crowd. They're all different, maybe all dull and boring, but all slightly different shades of boring. Find his without looking. Once you've tasted someone you should be able to find them in a crowd without even trying."

I focused again, closing my eyes for a quick beat before opening them to look at Katz as I continued searching. It was harder than I had expected, finding a mind I wasn't physically looking at when so many others were around, fighting to be heard. After thirty seconds of silence I found him, still thinking about drawing me. He had begun a quick sketch, the plans for its completion in his head. I almost laughed at how he planned to draw me. I looked like a succubus pinup. Men.

"Find him?"

I nodded.

"He still being a little shit?"

I nodded again.

"But it's easier now, right?"

I nodded a third time.

"Perfect, now back to me, try to find a weak point in my block. We'll do this for the next hour or so and if you don't have a headache by the end of it, you aren't trying hard enough, k?"

"Yes, ma'm."

Katz chuckled at my answer as I brought my mind back to hers.

We kept it up just like she said, for close to an hour. Then she had me search for certain words in the crowd, then certain emotions, which I found particularly difficult. By the end of our session I had clearly tried hard enough, as my head felt like a balloon blown up too far. It was different from my normal headache, the one that never seemed to leave me completely, but I missed my usual one when faced with this new breed. This one felt like a stretch of unused mental muscles.

"Good job, go ice your brain now. I'll see you Friday."

Katz's words were enough to make me smile despite the pain and I bid her goodnight as well. I was surprised I wasn't exhausted, but also thankful since I still had a lesson with Parish and Prey before I could train on my own or relax in my room.