Like Moths to Flames - Faithless Living

My next day of training did not go well. I couldn't focus, even Zodi had harsh words for me, but nothing could get my mind on task. Ailech asked what was wrong numerous times, even Ember was able to sense that I was distant, but I didn't tell them why.

What could I say? 'My Pair isn't feeling well and I have a sick sinking pit in my stomach and I'm just now realizing he isn't invincible and he isn't the man I thought I knew but somehow he isn't Gabriel either. And now I don't know who my Pair is, maybe I never did, maybe I don't even have a True Pair anymore. And he's too thin and he can't sleep or eat and I can't stop obsessing over him and worrying about him even though I hate him.'

None of my feelings made sense, even to myself, so how could I possibly explain them to someone else? I wished I had never met him, never met any of them. But I knew that was a lie, or at least I thought I did. None of my feelings made sense anymore and I hated the loss of control. My only comfort was that my headache had been slowly dying down, withering away and paining me less and less, but that didn't help my mind feel any more at rest. Every time I closed my eyes, even just for a moment, I saw James, saw him doubled over in the gym, blood running down his chin, his thin shoulders shaking. Saw him standing in the shadows, his eyes dark and soulless...

Every time I was alone I heard him in my mind, heard him waking from his nightmare, or even worse, I'd hear him yell at me to leave, to let him choke and retch alone as I ran from the gym. And then I'd see his dead, blue stare. Something that had once been the most beautiful sight in the world to me was now a disaster, now a tragedy. I hated his eyes more now than I ever had, hated how they showed that he was gone, hated that he was only alive in his Shift, that he was no longer human, no longer had his humanity. He was a Half and I hated that.

He might not have the typically known characteristics of a Half, the manipulation and constant violence and complete disregard for others, but that was only because he had no characteristics at all when he was in his human form. I couldn't decide if that was better or if I would have preferred him to be perverted into a true Halfling. Part of me thought any emotions, any signs of life, even the bad ones, were better than the nothing he was now.

I was glad Mondays were slow, with a long break between Zodi and my combat with Parish and Prey in the evening. I tried to send Ailech and Ember away, to work on my own, but he refused, and she never seemed to stray far from her tutor's side unless she had to. So they sat in the closest gym to our rooms and watched as I practiced, Ailech reading a book and Ember looking at him from the corners of her wide, round eyes. They sat as I threw my Sign out, letting my rage leak into it, as I flipped my knives, hurling them at the target across the gym. As I worked with new weapons even, learning how to move them, how to balance them. They sat as I worked with my crossbow, and as I used a thin whip to wrap around some objects and slice through others, learning how the different flicks made the wire react.

The supply closet had everything I could imagine, a collection that made even my old Clan's armory seem inadequate and I silently thanked Abby for the effort he had put into making sure I would feel at home. I was sure the gym's closet wasn't usually packed with weapons like it was now. A metal case in the center of the back wall caught my eye when I was sick of the sword I had spent the last hour playing with, a case similar to the one Zodi had had out on our second training. I knew what was in it, could already picture it in my mind, but I still wanted to see it, maybe not train with it, but at least see it, at least hold it.

It felt dirty in my hands, and I had to stop my lip from curling back in disgust as I felt its cold metal, its weight. I knew I shouldn't hate it, I had never had any huge problem with guns before the Clan, but now just the thought of them revolted me, just the feel of it seemed crude. I took it from the closet anyways. I didn't want to hate a weapon just because my Pair did. I didn't want to cultivate any more similarities than I already had to endure. I tried to tell myself that using it was proof I still hated him, that it was proof my feelings for him hadn't changed, that it was proof I wasn't connected to him in an undeniable way. That I was different.

Ailech didn't seem to notice the weapon I had chosen, and Ember was oblivious to so much. They both jumped when my first shot rang out, their eyes glued to where I stood in the center of the large gym. I had hit the target across the room, the one I used for my knives and arrows, in the shoulder. I had been aiming for the chest. I scowled as I took two steps closer, trying to focus on where I wanted the bullet to hit. My second shot was closer, but still wouldn't have killed a Darkling, my third was perfect.

I had expected the gun to feel like a bow and arrow, or for my body to be able to calculate the shot like it did with my knives, but this weapon was different. I felt the bow when I shot, like an extension of my arm, the crossbow I could feel in my bones, my knives were practically a part of my soul, the whip a sister to my Sign. All my favorite weapons I could feel somewhere inside me, but the gun was nothing like that. If my other weapons were alive, then this one was dead. If my other skills were a part of me, then this was just a tool. I made myself continue to work with it even as my disgust for the piece of dense metal grew.

Ailech's eyes followed my movements in the gym now, his book abandoned on the gym floor next to him. His eyes didn't have any weight to them, not like James', but I could still sense them on me, watching with thinly masked curiosity as I tried to find a comfortable way to hold the gun, a way that felt natural. I gave up quickly, instead working on my aim, working on not flinching, not blinking when I pulled the trigger. I wondered if it would be better in my Shift. I glanced over to Ailech, wishing he and his tag-a-long weren't with me, before marching over to them. Ember looked about ready to faint as I approached with a gun in my hand.

"I want to Shift, so you can either leave or not tell Abby."

I waited after I spoke, waited to see what Ailech would choose, though I could have guessed. He shrugged and reached for his book again. Ember looking like she very much wanted to leave, but couldn't make herself part from Ailech. I sighed before walking back to the center of the gym, wishing they'd taken the hint.

I felt my Shift come over me like warm water, like a wave, and I savored the comfort for a moment before raising the gun again. It would be easier to shoot in my Shift, I could already tell. All my senses were sharper when I was like this, my instincts and nature twisting together to perfect my accuracy. I smiled as I aimed first for the heart, then the head, each splinter of metal flying through the air flawlessly, each landing exactly where I told it to. I repeated the shots; chest and head, chest and head, until the gun clicked empty. I looked at it for a moment, wondering how to put more ammunition in, wondering where more ammunition even was, before I decided to end that particular practice instead of fiddling with the little metal springs and buttons on its handle.

I tossed the gun back into its box, not caring to place it neatly as I had found it, and grabbed a ring of small, sharp throwing disks. I liked how I could flick them like razored cards at my target, how they were so light and small, yet capable of devastating damage. I liked the conniving quality of them.

I felt him before I saw him, sensed him, and my mind absently thought of how begrudgingly pleased Grayson would be with me. That I had sensed someone's presence without even meaning to, sensed someone whose presence was as easily missed as James' was. I didn't sense whatever remnants of our connection we had, but more simply just that I wasn't alone, that there was another like me near. I hadn't heard the gym door open, or any noise from Ailech, but that didn't surprise me.

I made sure to keep my face blank as I turned, finding his gaze immediately. He'd taught me that, show nothing, and I'd be damned if he figured out all the confusion, all the emotions I had raging inside me because of him. He knew I hated him, and that was all I wanted him to know. That was the only emotion I was sure of.

He was leaning in the doorway of the closet, looking casual yet dead, creepy like a model in a some high fashion magazine. Their eyes always seemed vacant to me. I returned his look, though I'm sure it wasn't nearly as haunting as his, as I walked toward him. He held his arm across the door right before I crossed its threshold, baring me and making me scowl despite myself. I stared out at the gym, avoiding his face, not even looking at his thin arm blocking my path, but after a few seconds of silence, I slid my eyes to his, steeling myself for the void I would see.

He wasn't looking at me as I'd expected, instead, he was looking in at the weapons, just as I'd been staring out at the gym. I immediately felt annoyed, he had been silent so long on purpose to make me look at him even though he wasn't going to acknowledge me. Prick. My scowl deepened. I saw a muscle jump in his jaw a moment before he spoke.

"I'd prefer if you didn't tell Abby about last night. He'll worry and it's nothing to bother him with. I've grown used to being on my own, in my own environment and now being here, changing my routine, and being around certain people makes me feel sick. I'm not used to eating so much or feeling you."

Though his voice was flat, I still bristled, his meaning apparent, a whisper of disdain in his last two words. He was saying I made him sick, that my presence made him nauseous. I didn't believe him, but I preferred his answer over the horrible ones that had been slinking through my mind all afternoon. I nodded and his eyes flicked to me for a moment, before looking into the storeroom again. Even though it seemed he was done speaking to me, he didn't lower his arm and I suddenly wished I could break it. As soon as the thought crossed my mind I saw his profile twitch, the ghost of a smirk on his lips before he slowly turned his face to mine.

I hadn't noticed how close our faces were when he was looking forward, but now I could feel his breath on me. I glared up at him, wishing the flutter in my stomach would go away, wishing my traitorous heart wasn't beating so loud he could probably hear it.

"You're angry. I can smell it."

He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes as if appreciating the scent of my violence. When he opened them again they were black and his smile had sharpened, a glimmer of Shifted teeth showing from behind his pale lips. It was frightening how his voice changed in that one sentence, how he could go from dull and empty to an animal within the breadth of two words, but I found his change exhilarating more than startling. I wished he was always Shifted, just so I wouldn't have to see his lifeless blue eyes, just so his voice would have some inflection, some feeling in it, some power behind it. Just so he would feel dangerous again, alive again.

"It would be a shame to waste such anger. Don't you think?"

He leaned toward me at his question and I almost instinctively stepped back, but stopped myself, not wanting to back down to him, not wanting to let him win. Instead, I let my own Shift out, keeping my eyes on his as they darkened. His hair was already black as ink and his skin was so pale, he hardly seemed to change in my vision. I smiled a vicious grin as I raised my chin, making our eyes as even as I could.

I cursed the memory that dug its claws into my mind, hoping James couldn't see it in my eyes. The last time we had stood like this, the last time we had been in almost this exact pose, albeit not shifted, had been my first hours in the manor, my first hours with the Clan. I had lifted my chin just as it was now, a little too high and defiantly, and James' thoughts had leaked into my mind.

"Make one move against us and I will snap your little neck. I'll rip out your throat and you'll cover the floor. I won't hesitate. I'll enjoy it. So don't test me."

I realized a moment later that the memory of James' words hadn't just been in my head. I had actually heard them, seen his lips move just inches from my face as he recited the thought that had given away my Gift to him before I knew I even had a Gift. I staggered back without meaning to as if he had hit me, and the smile grew on his face, his teeth flashing. He had enjoyed that, enjoyed throwing a memory at me and watching it hurt me, watching it hit me like a punch. I was livid. The memory wouldn't leave me though, continuing to play like a movie in my mind, but I wouldn't let him win.

I stepped closer to him again, leaning in as I spoke, keeping my black eyes on his as my weight pressed against him, as I felt his thin body against mine. I replied just like I had in the library so many lifetimes ago, letting my voice drift over into something flirtatious and inviting, wanting to see the same reaction in him as he had done to me, wanting to make him hurt like he had hurt me.

"I'll tell you my secrets if you tell me yours."

My words sounded like a purr, and I was glad my Shifted voice seemed to listen to intentions better than my normal one. James' face didn't change, his smile didn't falter, but I saw the muscle in his jawline tense and I knew he was in the same memory I was. No matter how he tried to hide it, that one small movement in his cheek, that little twitch of his jaw let me know I hadn't reacted as he'd expected. The rest of him stayed looking the same, his face just inches away, his black eyes looking down into mine.

A noise that was halfway between a growl and a low, appreciative purr came from his throat and his arm was at the small of my back, crushing me against him. His other hand appeared under my chin, pushing it up until my face was a breath from his, his smile hard at the edges.

"Don't tempt me, angel."

Then he dropped his hands and strode from the room. I heard the gym door close a moment later. My heart was still pounding when I closed the equipment room's door. I was met by Ailech's questioning green eyes, peering over the top of his book, his brow pulled together. He was silent for a moment but I knew it wouldn't last, even without my Gift being able to wind through his thoughts I knew he was bursting with questions.

"Was he...was he waiting for you in the closet this whole time? Because I swear I didn't see him come in."

I scowled at him, not caring enough to cover my Shift as I marched to the center of the gym, the ring of small throwing disks crushed in my hand, my palm shredded.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in the gym, trying to vent my anger on the target across the floor from me, trying to use up my rage before my tutoring session with the brothers. Ailech didn't ask anything more, though he stopped reading, forsaking his book to watch me instead. He had to heal my hands twice.

» ✦ «

I heard the shots coming from the gym and knew it was her, knew she was training with the one instrument of death I'd never use. Three shots at first, each a few seconds apart as she got used to the gun, then there was a long pause, then a couple more shots. I waited with my teeth clenched for more, but they didn't come.

Ambriel sat on my bed next to me, looking at my room's door just like I was, listening just like I was. I could feel her slight weight next to me, her cold sucking the heat from me, and I hated that as much as I hated the muffled gunshots.

Just as I was about to let my body relax I heard the noise again, this time two shots, a pause, two shots, a pause, two shots. The gun would be empty then, but my body stayed tensed, wondering if she was reloading it. After sixty seconds of silence, I was at my door. Ambriel stayed on my bed, watching me but not following as I left the room. I silently thanked the ceiling for that small grace, that she wasn't tagging along this time. That she seemed content to wait for me in my room instead, knowing I'd be back soon enough, knowing I wouldn't be paying attention to her if Jordan and I sparred anyway.

I didn't want to talk to Jordan, or a part of me didn't, the part that was sticking to the plan, but another part of me wanted to see her, needed to, even if it was just to offend her, just to downplay the night before. I told myself I was going to her for damage control, but I knew it was more than that. I just wanted to see her. I pulled the world around me as I quietly opened the door, making myself disappear by any human's standards. I walked across the floor invisible, Ember not even batting an eyelash and Ailech noticing nothing more than maybe an unusual presence. Though he did glance up from his book more than once before I got to the storeroom.

I leaned on the door's frame, not yet letting myself be seen, but she sensed me anyway. I felt a spark of pride for her, she had never been able to sense me when I was like this back at the manor when I pulled the folds of the world over me. She was growing here, learning here, and I was glad for that. She'd need it. I saw her shoulders stiffen slightly when she recognized my company behind her. I dropped my glamour as she turned and her mask was almost as good as mine; a look of indifference on her face, apathy and vacuity in her eyes. It was difficult to not react to her deliberate lack of reaction.

She walked toward me and it was clear from her first steps she didn't plan on stopping and talking. I posted my arm across the door's opening instead, and her lip curled back into a sneer I felt like a blow to the chest. She looked out to the gym, her eyes avoiding mine. I almost spoke twice, but swallowed my words each time, not being able to bear the insult I was about to place on her, the poisoned lie I was about to spit. But then she looked at me and her sneer darkened and I knew I had to speak or lose my chance. I cursed my wretched life before opening my mouth.

"I'd prefer if you didn't tell Abby about last night. He's a worrier and it's nothing to bother him with."

I wished I could leave it at that, not say anything more, but I knew Jordan's curiosity, knew how stubborn she was. I had to move her focus elsewhere if I wanted her to let my physical health be. I swore in my head again before continuing.

"I've grown used to being on my own, in my own environment and now being here, changing my routine and being around certain people makes me feel sick. I'm not used to eating so much or feeling you."