La Dispute - Untitled

"What's wrong with James? I just watched him- he collapsed, and- and he can't eat or sleep, or anything without his Shift, it's like his body is rejecting e-everything. I know you know, so tell me."

I burst into Abby's study, interrupting a meeting with Cordelia, who startled heavily. I knew Abby would know what I meant, he always knew everything, even the things I thought were secrets in the Vault, even when I knew he hadn't been around to see something happen, he still always knew.

I wished I didn't have to ask about James. And I hated that I had started calling him James again. I didn't even know when the change took place, but suddenly he wasn't Gabriel anymore, not in my mind at least. He hadn't been for a long time.

"It isn't his body that's the problem."

I raised my eyebrows, waiting for more. Abby sighed and rubbed his eyes before continuing, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking much more weary than usual. He had seemed so much more tired since James' arrival.

"It's his mind, child. And I have nothing I can do for him. He won't tell me what's ailing him, he won't tell me what the attack is, so I cannot help him. He never was good at asking aid from others, for admitting when he needed someone other than himself. And now I'm afraid it's killing him."

Abby's last words were quiet, barely more than a whisper in his large office. His eyes were still closed, his thumb and index fingers still pressed to the top of his nose.

"Killing him? He's dying?"

My voice squeaked at the end and I had to cover it with a clear of my throat, but Abby's eyes didn't even search for mine.

"Yes, dear child, I believe he's come to join us too late. Something is haunting him, but I know not what. I'm afraid his father is in his mind, breaking him more and more each day, each hour, but the boy won't ask for help, and so he cannot receive it. I believe he is losing his mind more with each day he tries to battle his demons alone. He's been with us eight days already and I've seen nothing more than deterioration, and rapid deterioration at that."

I was stunned, dumbfounded. All the things I had seen, all the incongruity in his personality, the sickness, did that mean he was already insane? Was that what all of this was? Was that why he was so often Shifted? Did that slow it? Give him some kind of control? This couldn't be right, James couldn't go insane, he wouldn't, it wasn't fair. Abby was wrong.

Jevin had been insane, that's what insanity looked like, but James couldn't be, he never could be. It wasn't fair, it couldn't happen, not to him. The world shouldn't allow that. It was unfair. Not just unfair, it was wrong. James' mind was strong, the strongest I had ever known. Everything about him was strong, he was strength. It couldn't fail him now, after all he had lived through, after all he had overcome.

Leave faith to the deprived and it will unravel your mind.

Leave kindness to the strong and be haunted by your wrongs.

The poem echoed in my head and I almost screamed at it to leave me alone, at the voice in my mind to let me be, just this once. The words never seemed to mean the same thing any two times I thought of them, just like my feelings for James, they were always changing, always morphing and I never knew what they'd be, even a moment later. I had so little control over so much, and Abby's words just proved this more, just like the poem, just like my own damned emotions. It wasn't fair. James couldn't live through his father's torture, live through learning how to be a real person, with a heart and soul, make a family, hold them together, lead them and love them and protect them just to have his mind ripped away because he was alone, because he had been abandoned. Did I do this to him? Was I responsible? I knew I was.

Leave a heart in your chest and it will surely be your death.

I had already made up my mind as I walked down our hallway. I would make him tell me, if I had to force myself into his mind and pull the answers from him unwillingly, I would. I wouldn't let his arrogance or his damned martyr complex win. I did this to him and I would fix it, him.

I hadn't even thought of what he was going through in his months alone, not a single time, not a single worry for him before he came to the Vault. And the whole time he had been falling apart, rotting from the inside out because I hated him when I shouldn't have, because he had been abandoned just like I had been, but it was worse for him, it had always been worse for him, his entire life had been worse for him.

I lost my family? So did he, a family he had been with for far longer than I had, a family he had created out of nothing. I lost Syn? He had lost a real Clan member before. He had lost his entire Clan. I felt betrayed? That's all he had ever known, from every person, from his childhood until he became an adult, and still everyone left, still no one helped, no one cared. I felt abandoned? He had watched over me the entire time, even after I turned my back on him; saving me from Jevin, giving me a safe place to hide with good people. And what had he had? Nothing, no one, he had been alone all that time. I had grown up human, normal, easy. And James? He had grown up twisted and abused and taught to kill, taught to torture others just as he had been tortured. All he knew was pain and obedience and his darkness. He had grown up with a very real kind of monster, and yet he still refused to become one.

I had been selfish for too long, blocking out everything I knew about my Pair, everything I wished wasn't true about him, everything I said wasn't an excuse when in reality it was. It was the best damn excuse a man could give. It would have excused far worse things than what he had done.

All I could think was that I hoped it wasn't too late, I hoped behind his dead eyes there was still some kind of spark of my Pair. I swore to myself that if that spark was there I would stoke it until it burned again, brighter than it ever had before. I would do anything to bring him back. Maybe Abby had been right when he said James needed me, but I knew I needed him more. I would make him tell me whatever it was that was happening inside his mind and I would make him accept my help. He would not go insane, I wouldn't let him.

My hesitation when I reached his door disgusted me, but it ended up being his salvation. I paused just for a moment, steeling my nerves for the battle of wills I was sure to meet on the other side of the thick wooden door when I heard a muffled noise, like a cold laugh, mocking and dry. I pressed my ear to the door, not caring how silly I looked to anyone walking past, and strained to hear who was in the room with him.

"Why now? Why suddenly find your voice now? My dreams aren't enough for you? Or is this a sign that you're growing stronger as I grow weaker? Either way it doesn't matter, I don't care what you say, where you follow me to, what it all means. I have one purpose here and worrying about you doesn't fit into it. Even the thoughts you give me, the nightmares, none of it will work. If nightmares and guilt are madness then I haven't been sane for as long as I can remember, so keep up all your efforts, they're useless."

James' voice was bitter and mocking, just like his laugh had been, and I felt myself waiting for an answer, expecting one, hoping for one. But as the silence stretched on I felt my heart sink. He was talking to an empty room, to whatever he thought was there but really wasn't. Was he talking to his nightmares? He really was losing his mind, maybe already had, all the while I hadn't cared as he struggled with the death that scared him the most, suffered the worst end any could face.

I still remembered Kael telling me about madness in Darklings, how common it was, especially in leaders, how he was so grateful James had taken that burden from him. I reached for the door's handle, my fingers already beginning the pressure to turn the metal knob when I heard a quiet voice speak from beyond the door. A voice that wavered like smoke, rasped like death, yet still sounded beautiful and seductive in a chilling way.

"Oh silly Jamie, you think I'm turning you mad?"

The voice gave a coy, high giggle, something you would expect to hear in a Japanese anime, not from an actual person.

"You think only your Heaven can give a new body? Can create a new Earth? You think only your side has that kind of power? If that were true then the war coming wouldn't be much of a war, now would it? Oh no, my dearest, my side has the same, my side has more. I'm not here to haunt you, I'm here to show you what you're against. I can't be killed, you already did that, and yet I'm not gone, not burning in Hell like all the others whose blood covers you.

Maybe that's what I'll make you see tonight, the faces of all the ones you've killed, the cute little children, the people who begged on their knees, begged for their own lives or for the lives of the ones they loved. Remember when you made families watch as you killed the youngest first? Oh, tonight'll be fun."

The high giggle returned, but only a couple notes.

"I was brought back even stronger than before, but this? I'm just playing with you now. This is just for fun. You put me out when you let me die, and I still don't even know where I went wrong, how you figured it out. But none of that matters now, because I'm back, and if it weren't for your valiant efforts to protect your little family, I would never have learned what power can be found in death. Trust me, if I wanted your mind I would have taken it already, but what good are you to my master if you've lost that beautiful head on your shoulders that he wants so badly."

The voice pouted out the words, and I could almost picture the pushing of her lips as she spoke, then there was silence again. James was speechless, the plays of a match he hadn't even been aware he was a part of falling into perfect view.

"No. You're lying. You're only in my head. You aren't real. You're just in my mind. I'm going crazy, that's the only explanation for you. You're just trying to scare me, but I know what you really are, you're nothing, you're a splinter of my mind. You're nothing."

James' voice cracked as he spoke. He wanted his words to be true, I could hear the desperation in his voice. He wanted to be going insane instead of the alternative the woman offered and for some reason that broke my heart even more. James would rather lose what he was, lose all he had than have this phantom be from his father, be brought back by him. He would rather suffer the descent into madness than have her be a weapon from the Collector that could be used against those he cared about.

"You only wish I was lying, Jamie. So your brother wouldn't have to see me again, but I promise you...he will, very soon. And it will destroy him just like it will destroy you. Goodbye for now, my dear leader, but don't worry, you won't miss me for long, I'll be back, just after I pay my old beau a visit."

The voice ended in the same sweet, high giggle, quickly followed by a loud crash as something shattered against the wall and I jumped back from the noise. I flung the door open and saw the scene before me. James sat on the edge of his bed, his head hanging in his hands, his dark hair hiding his face from me. The broken shards of a mug lay on the ground across the room from him, probably where the woman had stood, where he had tried to hit her as she threatened her visits on Kael.

And then I noticed the slight movement, James' shoulders shaking, but not like they had when he was in Cordelia's trials, not like with the Serpentine poison, this was almost like he was laughing, then I heard his wet breaths. I was across the room and next to him on his bed a moment later.

He needs you.

Abby had been right, he was always right, he was wiser than I would ever understand, and he was good, down to his bones, he was a good man, a good, wise man. I wrapped my arms around James, burying my face in the back of his neck as he cried. He didn't move, didn't acknowledge I was there, but I knew I was exactly where I should be, exactly where I needed to be.

We stayed like that for a little while, sitting on his bed, his head in his hands, his fingers twisted in the knots of his hair. Having my arms around him gave me a new view of just how thin he had become, how frail. I felt like I was hugging a bag of bones, sharp and jagged. But eventually he was still and we sat in silence. I wanted to ask him so many things, but I didn't know where to start, where he was at.

Finally, I had to speak to him, my words piling up on my tongue.

"A, that was Ambriel." I didn't ask, I knew, and his silence was all the confirmation I needed.

"You killed her. Why?"

He looked up at me then, his eyes red and I almost wished I could take my question back, but then his jaw set with determination and I saw a small glimmer of the old James, my James.

"Show me your Gift."

His voice was gravelly, low and quiet, but it wasn't a question, it was the command of my leader. I felt a flicker of fear, of feeling our minds touch, our connection. I thought he had ruined it, broken it back in the cemetery, but maybe it was still there, maybe it could be fixed as easily as this, as easily as reaching out. I took a deep breath and bit down on my teeth, not wanting to embarrass myself like I had in the past, and opened my Gift, sending it to James, letting it snake into his mind.

The feeling was like fire, an inferno raging around me, burning me with the brightest flames, as if our connection had been building up as it patiently waited, not a moment of it wasted, merely waiting until we would be together again.

My back arched as it covered me like a fiery wave. It felt so good I wished it would never leave. It brought tears to my eyes from the heat, the pain twisting around pleasure. I had missed it so much, missed the feeling of us, of what we were supposed to be. The inferno stayed constant as the current appeared, volts running through my veins like I was a live wire as his fire flicked over my skin. It was Heaven dipped in Hell, something I fully appreciated.

I glanced to James then, wondering if he felt it too, if he always had. I didn't expect what I saw when he didn't know I was watching. His eyes were closed, squeezed shut like he was concentrating very hard on something, the muscle in his jaw stood out again, but that didn't stop me from seeing the curve at the edge of his lips, the smallest of smiles. He wore the smile of a man who has been waiting a very long time for something, the smile of a man who could finally allow something he had previously denied himself. I took one more deep breath before searching his mind, waiting to see what he wanted to show me.

I recognized the woods immediately, just outside of the Clan's Eastern boundaries. I had gone for many runs through that area. It looked different though, early Spring, the new green of the trees showing through in jewel tones all around me. I was seeing the woods through James eyes, seeing what he had, but it felt closer than before, deeper, more intimate. It reminded me of how far my Gift had come since the last time I had touched his mind. I looked to my side and saw a woman, striking in every way.

She was tall and slim like swaying dune grass, with long silver hair and eyes that almost matched, but with just the slightest tint of blue. Her skin was almost translucent it was so fair. Everything about her was light and otherworldly and ghostly. But I felt it right away, or maybe James did, or we both did, a reminder of how our Gifts mixed into each other's.

She wasn't good, she had good aspects, like her love for Kael, but her core was dark, stained with a lust for power, a desire for conquest. She wasn't like the rest of the Clan, but she had hid it well and James thought he could save her, show her a new way like he had for Kael, like he had found himself. He had waited and hoped for so long, not wanting to admit what he already knew, that she had a monster hidden within her; a Fourth.

She had a weak will, and didn't care to even try to fight what she was, she was content with her power, but hid her percentage from the others, not even Kael knew. But James did. He had hoped that with the Clan's support, with Kael's love, she could overcome her nature, but he had always known she couldn't, or rather, she wouldn't. He had seen things, visions, terrible scenes of what she would do, what she had done, all she was capable of, all she desired, how dark her heart really was, but he couldn't confront her without destroying his brother.

Kael loved Ambriel in a way James didn't understand. He never thought he'd understand love like that, irrational love even when the object of it wasn't deserving, love that wasn't earned, wasn't conditional. He hated Ambriel because of what she had done, because he knew Kael would be hurt no matter what the end was. He hated her in a way that scared me, that made me understand why he had felt so strongly against me when he thought I was evil too. He still hadn't quite decided on what to do about Ambriel, but his memory showed the solution he came upon.

They continued their slow walk in silence until they came to a break in the trees, a small field opening up like an arena.

"Sure you can keep up? You haven't been sleeping well I hear, and by well I mean at all. How many nights do you go out playing savior?"

I recognized her voice immediately, it was the woman from James' room.

"I go out when I see something that needs to be changed. A lot needs to be changed."

His voice sounded like music to me, his old voice, the one I missed more than I had understood until that moment. My heart sang just hearing him.

Ambriel moved into a lower stance then and I realized they were out there to train, to spar with each other, a Fourth versus a Half, I was almost excited to see. James didn't follow her cue though and instead closed his eyes. I could feel his nerves, his dread of what he was about to do, but he had already decided.

"I know what you are, Amb, and I know Kael doesn't know. If you stay with us, stay with him, you have to be willing to use the rest of your life fighting your nature, trying to overcome it. And you have to tell him. I've seen what you can do, what you could do..."

James paused, looking straight at Ambriel now.

"If you do what I've seen, I will kill you. If you betray us, I will kill you. If you try to turn my brother into something he is not, I-"

"You'll kill me, I got it. I would never do anything to hurt him, and I am trying my best to be as noble as you, Sir Jamie. I'm sorry we can't all have the control of a stone."

Her words were teasing, but I could feel James' mind, hear each lie ring through the air as she spoke. Then I saw a flash, a picture of Ambriel standing with a man shrouded in gray and black. I was looking through a Shift, but it wasn't my own, I was seeing what James was, a vision of Ambriel with his father, joining him. She knelt down, her pale face glowing in the Shift, gazing up at the shadowed man, awe and adoration filling her wide, black eyes.