Chapter 84

Confessions and Delusions

I am awake, but I don’t quite want to move. I’ve been here before, and yet this time is completely different. I feel like the last day has been a dream. A dream where I had what was close to a perfect day. I got to kill Prolaxians, be with Jess, by her own initiative no less. Now, well now, I am still with her, she is cuddled up under my arm, and on top of my wing. Fortunately for me, my wings are resistant to things like lack of circulation or going numb. There is however one problem, with her resting comfortably on said appendage, I find that I am now a prisoner. Unable to get up and take care of my bodily needs, but also unwilling to break this moment. The proverbial catch 22.

The worst part, for me at least, as perfect as last night was. I know it will be forgotten during the next time loop. I don’t want to live my life sealed off from my emotions, afraid to enjoy moments like last night. But I also can’t take having to go through these moments again, and again. The beginnings are the toughest.

This is why last night was such a pleasant surprise. I honestly don’t even know where it all came from.

Squirm, wiggle.

“So, you are awake?” I ask.

Mmm. She moans, but finally stops pretending. Then she opens her eyes and turns to face me.

I half expect her to be frightened. I know I can’t really look at myself in the mirror anymore. At least not without seeing an odd alien monster with some of my features staring back at me. Still, her eyes take me in slowly, gently. It is sort of nice, as my eyes do the same with her.

Then, my body helps me realize the dilemma I have been avoiding for the last half hour.

“You need to move.” I say, as I get up, and try to pull my wing from under her.

“Oh, sorry.” She says as she rolls off my wing.

With that I hop up and run to the bathroom.

I return to the room a few blissful moments later, giving deeps sighs of relief. When I get back the whole atmosphere of the room has changed. Jess has changed from her night gown to her clothes for the day. She is also staring at me, in the way that tells me she has so many questions to ask. Looking at her, I wonder if this is just my knowing her? My empathy helping me to understand her better? Or a combination thereof? I am going with the latter, but I really can’t tell for certain.

“I have to ask, what changed?” Jess finally asks.

The question comes like a right hook, and nearly stuns me. “What?”

“What changed when we first met. When I first, saw you, on your awakening day. I thought you hated me?” She says the first part so emphatically, that I can’t help but feel tense at her accusation. But then thinking back, I realize she is correct. When I first awoke to this new life, I did hate her. Though looking back, I hated thinking that I wasn’t good enough for her. I hated the way that even after lifetimes of trying and perfecting myself to be the best person she could want; I still fell short to my brother. It is at this moment, that I have a major epiphany.

Wow, I was, and likely still am, a moron.

I am so lost in my own thoughts, that I almost miss the imperceptible way she twitches. The way her she is forcing her body to be still, while she waits for me to tell her the truth. A truth that she is clearly afraid of hearing.

Realizing I have nothing to lose, and that even if I terribly botch this, my explanation will likely get lost during the next reset. I decide to tell her everything.

“Do you honestly want to know the truth?” I begin.

Quiver.

She shakes in fear, but then soon gains control over herself. She arches her back, as she braces herself to stare at me.

“Yes, I want you to tell me everything.” Jess states emphatically. If I didn’t know her any better, I would swear she was stoic, but I know the signs she is forcing herself to be brave. The way her she forces a breath in and out every four seconds. The way, her normally twitching hands are perfectly still and flat against her legs.

Seeing her in such a state, I can’t help but nod, as I decide to tell her everything.

“You no doubt heard about my PDD? My Precognitive Dissociative Disorder?” I ask.

Hearing that, a slight look of tension crosses her face.

“Well, it started with me either inheriting the thoughts of twelve different lifetimes. Or me actually experiencing them, and then ending up in this timeline. During those lifetimes I married you three times. Each time it was perfect, beyond perfect, until it wasn’t. Each time regardless of how hard I tried, I ended up losing you to my brother.”

Gasp.

Jess opens her mouth to protest, but I cut her off with the raising of my hand.

“At the time I thought he was just the better man, that he filled needs that I could never. So, I did everything I could in the next lifetimes to be better for you. That was how I learned the violin, forcing myself to become better at and master the instrument that no doubt played no small part in why last night was so memorable. Yet, that still wasn’t enough, as when I tried again and again, you still fell for my brother. Only now, in this lifetime do I know the truth. The reason why my mind either warned me away from you, or that I could never be with you. The truth is my brother is a mind raping asshole. He had eight psychic powers, powers that should have gotten him on a watch list, but he never reported them. With those powers, I now know that he would take advantage of you in those other lifetimes, forcing me to endure the humiliation of losing you to him, over and over. I only know this now, through events that have recently transpired.”

She looks dazed at first. Then I see a look of fear, followed by anger fill her beautiful features.

“Don’t worry, I have already neutered him, for lack of a better term. He still has the four powers that he registered with, but his Mind Control, Mind Erase, and other powers have been lost to him.”

With that, the subtle tension that had been building in her shoulders drops. She doesn’t even question how I managed to do this, she just trusts that if I say I did it, then it was done. This is oddly reassuring.

“This brings me to the next point of contention. Whether I have PDD related to visions of other lives, or whether I lived those other lives is still up for debate. What isn’t up for debate is the fact that I have had no less than two different time restarts since I left the awakening temple.”

I pause, before continuing.

“I don’t even know why I am telling you this now. As you are likely not to believe me. But this is how I got the orange tint to my eyes, and then I gained the wings in my last time restart.” I admit.

Silence.

There is a long pause, as I let that all sink in. I watch her, soaking in every movement she makes. This was a wonderful moment, and I want to try to remember this through my next time loops and restarts.

Finally, after a moment, she asks.

“So why tell me all this, now?”

Listening to her, I can’t help but make a bitter smile form on my lips. “Well, there are dozens of reasons. There is the fact that by telling you, I hope that this will mean you will be pulled out of the loop with me. That or, I wonder just how crazy you think I am, after telling you all of this? And then there is also the third and final reason that, I need to tell someone before I go insane.”

She pauses as she takes it all in.

“Do you always do this?”

“Do what?”

“Take advantage of me, then drop this bombshell on me, expecting me to what? Blow up and leave you?” She asks.

I am surprised by her wording, as it at the very least seems to imply that she believes me. At least she believes me to some extent.

“First off, I believe you took advantage of me, last night.” I state, holding up a finger to protest the accusation. She looks at me, and looks like she wants to argue, but then lets out a breath in defeat. With that minor victory, because come on, you need to take them where you can, I continue.

“Secondly, this is the first time I have been close to you, in this lifetime. This is also the first time that I feel confident, that I have removed all known hurdles to our relationship.” I responded.

“The hurdle in this case being your mind raping brother?”

“Among other things. I also killed the Prolaxian herald that is a puppet master. He was the guy who took control of your mind by the way.” I respond.

She nods. “Yeah, I don’t remember much from the time, but the video feeds of what happened, how you saved me. That was amazing.”

“You saw the feeds?”

“That was on the first night, while you were still unconscious from your wounds. That was when I was first approached about being your wife. At first, I thought you would hate the idea, given the way you looked at me so angrily, with pain filled eyes. But I guess it makes sense, I broke your heart, multiple times. But then rather than getting angry at me. You took that as a personal challenge to make yourself the best form of yourself, for me.” She shakes her head, as she is puzzling out the different parts of what I just told her.

“I knew you were amazing, that you were destined for great things, but the wings. They mean you are a world tree guardian, same as the Iron Butterfly lady?”

Chuckling. I laugh at her description of Rayquel; it is so odd to still think of her in terms of her nickname.

“Yes, though her name is Rayquel.” I admit.

“Have you met her? The Ir… Rayquel?” She asks.

“Yes, I’ve actually met two. The one from this universe, and one from another universe.”

At that, she pauses, as she tries to see if I am joking.

“You aren’t joking about this? About going to a second universe, are you?”

“How do you think I got the world tree seeds in the first place? And this violin?” I ask, pointing to my violin case that is by the side of the bed.

“But the world tree is already growing…” She trails off, as her mind starts to make connections. “Is that why the new world tree suddenly appeared?”

“Yes. The world tree, much like myself seem to exist outside the river of time. Thus, when a reset occurs, we stay the same, while the world around us changes. Also, the tree can talk to Endarians, and those with Endarian blood or genetics.” I say, then gesture to my butterfly wings.

She looks lost for a second as her eyes grow wide. Then finally she seems to come to a conclusion.

“So, what is your plan?” Jess asks, suddenly moving closer to me.

“My plan for what?”

“Your plan for making it so I can get out of these loops with you.” She states.

With that I pause.

“I literally have no idea.” I answer truthfully.

There is a silence as she looks into my eyes, to see if I am hiding anything. But when she realizes I am completely at a loss for ideas, then she turns away for a second. Then regaining her composure, she turns back to me.

“There must be something.” She pauses as she looks at me. Well to my chest. Not that this is her first time, starting at my still bare chest, but she is being blatant about it this time. I am about to tell her where my eyes are, when she breaks my train of thought.

“What is that?” She asks, as she points.

I am about to tell her that she knew what they were last night, but then I realize she isn’t pointing to a part of my anatomy.

I look down and see that she is pointing to my necklace, the one with two dim and one brightly glowing gemstone.

“This is something I got from the last loop.” I say, my voice slightly quivering as I remember how Mel, well reincarnated Mel, used the first two stones to try to control my life.

“It looks important.” Jess says, her eyes glowing in that faint way that suggest she is having an oracular vision. This of course makes sense, as I believe that was one of her powers. Or maybe it is a new power? I am having such a hard time keeping the Jess’ separated. I know the one from the alternate universe was a psychic, as she paired perfectly with the Wizard version of me. I also know that I awoke in this life with both sets of powers available. Did that mean that, assuming she was once again a perfect fit for me, that she could have both? Or access to both? I know I heard what classes she was in earlier, but everything has become so muddy since then, that I can’t quite remember.

Fortunately, she stops me from my musings as she gives me a contemptuous glare. One that lets me know I am spacing out in front of her.

“Yes, it is. These are stones that, well I know what the first two do. I am not quite certain what this third one does. Apparently knowing it and stating its name will activate it, but what that will actually activate? I don’t have the slightest clue.”

“Give it to me.”

“What?”

“Give me the necklace. You clearly got that from an alternate timeline. If what you are trying to avoid talking about is half as powerful as I think it is, then this should be something that can keep me out of the resets with you.” Jess states.

“Did you just get that from a vision?” I ask.

She twitches slightly. “Not necessarily.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means, I might have been warned by someone else that this might be something I need.”

“Who?” I ask, my mind suddenly spinning as I am trying to figure out how anyone could know about this necklace. Let alone who would warn Jess that she needed this necklace. This all sounded like a Prolaxian plot.

Seeing the serious look on my face, she lets out a breath. “It was the doctor.”

I pause, trying to figure out who she means, then I remember she was at Dr. Charleston’s office.

Mind Pulse.

My mind twitches as several different segments and notes of life come together. The way Jess spoke of going to Dr. Charleston’s office in the last loop, how she thought I was mean for basically showing no emotions for Mel’s passing. How she was distraught at having witnessed the whole scene unfold. How Mel came to the office frantically, only to then leave the office and be hit by an automated lift. Then how that prompted Jess to buy a new vehicle in both time loops, something she would normally never do until much later. But the fear of being hit by an automated lift was so prominent in her thoughts and actions, that I never stopped to question the latter. Of why Mel went to see Dr. Charleston at all, least of all on the day when I first came back form a time loop. A loop where she had been given a Clean Escape that let her jump to the body of Jenna Da’anvil.

“God I am so stupid!” I shout, as I realize the one piece that was staring at me right in the face the whole time. A piece that I didn’t even think to question.

“Yes, you are, but why?”

I am about to tell her, but then realize by just telling her the final missing piece will not make any sense. It is like hearing the ending of a murder mystery, without figuring out why the name is so important.

“All right. I will tell you everything. I will even give you this necklace which has some of the resonance of my life from the last loop, to help verify some of my statements. What I am about to tell you is the way I have come to understand this whole fucked up chain of events, that we now find ourselves in. For listening to the entire story, I will hand you this necklace, which you must always wear with you. Do we have a deal?”

During this time, I have taken off the necklace and let it dangle from my hand. The part with the three gemstones swinging back and forth like a pendulum in my outstretched hand.

I know it sounds crazy. Even to my ears, this entire thing seems to be ridiculous, but Jess just stares at me for a second. Then turns her attention to the necklace, then back to me. Finally, after a second, she nods, and snatches the necklace from my hand.

“Tell me everything, leave nothing out.”

Hearing her confident tone, I take in a deep breath, then begin to tell her the full story. I tell her of Prolaxian Heralds, how they are all able to take on human forms. I then go into Celestials and how they too take on human forms and can manipulate and control us with gemstones and baubles much like the one Jess is wielding. Then I proceed to tell her who were the different Heralds, what their abilities were. Then I tell her about Mel.

“That bitch.” Jess says anger and vitriol in her words.

“That bitch indeed.”

Then I proceed to tell her about my latest discovery.