Toby was the star of the next therapy session.

For as much as Mitch wanted to avoid discussing him altogether, the topic could no longer be put off. When he relayed certain anecdotes about their checkered history, he could see the restraint that Ann exercised as she carefully selected her words, and his stomach dropped.

“Look, I know I sound batshit insane,” he prefaced what he was about to say. “But I think it’s salvageable in some sense. We’re both older, and it’s not like we’re committed to one another. Yet.” She nodded along and jotted stuff onto her pad.

Fuck.

Her assessment about the incident from a few nights ago was that Mitch had a PTSD episode. The following advice was gently given to him, which was about caring for himself since the shockwaves may not be over yet, and being vigilant about his boundaries. There was a palpable sense of concern through her words, and though therapists weren’t supposed to be disappointed per se, Mitch couldn’t help but feel as though he let Ann down.

She offered an extra appointment that week since what he was dealing with was technically a mental health crisis, but he declined to take it and insisted that he was otherwise fine outside of that one incident. When she handed over the card for their next appointment, she also urged him to get in touch if anything else came up. He lied and told her that he would, and his neck itched where the bruises finally faded.

About 5 minutes away and several streets over, he realized that he forgot to bring up the situation with Avi, because he needed insight on how to not mess that up, or if he was making the correct choice by doing this at all.

The day before, he compromised his agenda because he couldn’t stand the way that Avi looked at him when he rejected plans, and the followup faux-polite, “Oh, it’s OK. Really. I’ll catch you later?”

And he missed Avi like crazy. He missed all of their little adventures together, he missed his friend. He missed Avi’s smile, so brilliant that it rivaled the sun, and he missed being a frequent recipient of them.

So he broke down and made the approach, and told Avi about the grocery store that Toby mentioned. “I was gonna head over and check it out. Wanna come with?” he asked, and Avi accepted the invitation with the enthusiasm of a kid being told that they were going to Disney for vacation.

As suspected, said local grocery store prided itself on locally sourced goods with a hefty assortment of vegan offerings. Avi was delighted by the selection, and immediately got to work loading up a carriage while he explained everything that he picked out to Mitch. When some mid-00s pop song played over the speakers, he sang along to it without any regard for being in a public space, and Mitch stood frozen among the dairy-free milk and cheeses.

This was exactly why he kept his distance, because every time he thought he had steady footing, Avi kicked his feet out from underneath by doing nothing other than being unapologetically himself.

Mitch couldn’t continue to fall like this, couldn’t keep fantasizing about these domestic bliss scenarios where this was more than two roommates shopping together out of convenience. Avi was his friend, not the person that he’d eventually slowdance with in the kitchen on a lazy Sunday morning while All Green played in the background.

Matters were only made worse when the cashier mistook them for being…together. She stammered out apologies after the awkward moment where they clarified that she was mistaken. Avi laughed and assured her that there was no harm done, while Mitch remained silent. After checking out, Avi took control of the carriage and giddily declared, “C’mon, boyfriend!”

Mitch’s heart imploded as he helplessly watched him cross the parking lot. Back to square one.