The dark figure ran off, having had all too much faith in the author of this second hand, second rated and twicely chewed excuse of a rag that he calls his romantic memoirs epic fantasy story series containing one and only ever one book. Because asking anyone to squeeze out a second one with this much quality borders on self flagellation. But still, let's check back with our luck based hero. Surely now that he's defeated his first dragon, he'll feel different. More mature, less whimsical and la... lacka... uses google... lackadaisical. At least slightly more peated due to nearly being roasted by the dragon.

“Can't say that I do. It felt both like a more epic fight and a fight that was over too soon. So there wasn't much chance to grow as a person and maybe dig up some problematic past to show the readers that we're progressing in my personal character arc. Unless dick jokes constitute progress. Which, knowing this world, might just be the case.”

The size of the comedic appendage usually dictates in what chapter they story is. As of right now, we're about one average sized Euro-merican male while he's thinking of baseball through the story.

“Is that a good thing?”

Depends on how racist the main character is.

“I'm not going to dignify that with an answer or I might just get a racism stat added to my character profile. Which is going to be really difficult to explain in the future when I'm dead.”

Does the hero find that these situations occur a lot?

“I find that the future is a fairly common thing, yes. Until you get two nuclear capable, which is like being handicapable but with more penis shaped objects, countries fighting one another. Then it's up to a magic ball whether or not we'll survive until next week. When there's more of this drivel to get through and laugh at the author's attempts to stave off apathy and black-pilled existence after he corrected the homework assignments of his students.”

This narrator finds that we now sounds too much alike. The hero is supposed to be the positive, idealistic character, facing the elements of opposition and staving off total apocalypse.

“Sounds good in theory until you meet the author's students. They're the type of people who write down the word - definition – in badly written crayon when asked to define a list of words. As if it were a summoning circle that somehow, magically, will force the pen to move by it's own powers and enter the correct answer for every question. Not understanding that magic doesn't work outside of fantasy stories like this. They're the kind of people for whom comprehensive reading is a twelve step program. The first step of which being denial and the second till tenth step being different forms of anger against their teacher.”

Intrepid hero... has a point. But there's no sense complaining about any of this. It'll mean that the apocalypse will just happen a bit sooner than expected. Earth already has inflation rates above 10%, so think of it as an opportunity to teach everyone to count to ten. One future of students that will never be realised, two futures of students that will never be realised while they suck a male genital for bus-fair, three... and so on.

“Sounds like a very unfair exchange rate. You know as well as me that if such a system was ever formalized that they'd introduce kiosks to automate the sexual act before getting on a bus. Meaning you'd need people, men mostly, ready and waiting all day until someone needed a bus ride. Even the doctor says you have to visit him if your erection has lasted longer than four hours. Even if the doctor is kinda creepy and always wants you to take off your pants when you visit him. Even on social visits.”

DING!

“no, not now.”

dong :(

Stop harassing the levelling system, noble hero. Maybe it's just informing you of all the experience you received from destroying one of the aides of evil.

“That poor dragon.”

Aid(e)s, not aids.

“We're going to have to keep that joke for the eventual audiobook.”

This narrator will make a note of it.

“You won't, will you?”

No. Also... no.

“Ah, double negation, audiobook here we go!!!”

Not unless this readership quintuples in size and is mostly located in the richer parts of Dubai with very liberal views on how to spend their money.

“You're not being very positive today.”

The narrator simply stares at the hero until the hero realizes the stupidity in his statement. Five whisky's later, the hero begins to comprehend.

“You're not being very positive in general.”

That's a bingo.

“You leave that poor dog out of this. There's already been enough animal cruelty around here. Especially on me, slaving away like a dog.”

DING?

“Still no.”

Dong :(

“I wonder how many people are going to get the subtle dick joke here.”

That was subtle? How? In what universe is this subtle.

“It just matches, you know. The ding and the dong. They make a great pair, much like the interracial sixty-nine that is ying and bang.”

The hero means ying and yang?

“Not if they're doing sixty nine.”

Imagine if that went on perpetually. Do you think the fleshy tissue in the mouth and surrounding the genitals would merge after a few hundred thousand years? Turning the entire cycle into one of endless pain and delicate movements?

“I think you said the quiet part out loud again. Always think twice before thinking another two times and then wisely deciding to just shut the fuck up any way. Just to be safe.”

Ah, like ding and bang.

“Combining the levelling system with another dick joke. Nice! But only on opposite day. I think it's sad. Yeah, I'm gonna go with sad. And lonely. A sad and lonely narrator.”