Taste in women aside, his analysis held up over repeated trials as well as slow-motion replays. Moneymaker, Chaff, and Freebie formed a wheel of 50% increased damage dealt and 50% reduced damage taken. What of Primary, Secondary, and Never Ever, asked characters who had no drive? Those with some gumption had already popped inside Paradise the Enchant to corral a herd of test subjects and force them to fight their friends, willing to sacrifice others for the sake of knowledge, so noble of intellect were they. Soon they knew Priority beat Secondary beat Never Ever beat Priority.

“As I thought,” said Solemn Declaration.

“You thought that, but made us fight anyway?” Higgins of Fort Fondue asked.

“Yes, and now we know. Next we will make you fight us, as there may be interactions between the two triangles. Objections?”

Higgins adjusted his bow tie. “None at all. I object to taking things for granted, so this is just the sort of thing I like. Leave representing the Priority candidates to me.”

Priority Higgins of Fort Fondue, Secondary Terry of Star Village, and Never Ever Clint of Spinach City sufficed for the tests. Not for gambling though, which sent Kindo looking for more candidates during the initial tests. After much superfluous strife and tales of glory too inspiring to tell for fear that heroism might arise in the world again and shatter the complacency which allows people to sit around and play mobile games, the entire rarity-elemental scheme could be recited by every spectator if given a few minutes and a hint or two. Moneymakers defeated Priorities but lost to Never Evers. Freebies beat Secondaries, being beaten by Priorities. Chaff triumphed over Never Evers but succumbed to Secondaries. Paradise the Enchant's candidates preferred to say Priorities were strong against Freebies and weak against Moneymakers, but officers and crusaders scoffed at the attitudes of children.

“I don't know about that. The art style gives them an infantile look, but aren't most of them teenagers? So are most of us. Late teens and twenties here, early and mid-teens there.”

“Master Eten is right. Finding an officer who's much older than Cadmos is hard, and he's 19 in Part 1. 20 now. Though I remember a poll asking the officer most likely to be called Dad on accident that Clazdius Oranio won, and then Hilliarde Feablas was first in the follow-up about the officer most likely to be called Daddy on purpose.”

“We are without age,” Metatron declared, and that probably proved something to somebody.

Regardless, the host relaxed in satisfaction, congratulating itself for doing all that research and writing down so many results. Just a great job all around. What a day. Time to turn in.

Ivar shattered their complacency with his words and a few heads with his ax. “My patience allowed skirmishes, but not this unseemly leisure! When do we ride for Slay Every Dragon? When will our foes know fear?”

“I completely forgot!” Gintus Pelluina coughed. “Ahem. Yes. The skirmish program will resume immediately, and if there is any harm in abbreviating it, our future selves will gladly blame us for the injury. Why deny them the pleasure?” The skirmishes did indeed resume and conclude shortly thereafter, though a few grumbled those future guys sure thought highly of themselves and needed to be taken down a tier or two instead of placated. Planning huddled together and offered their conclusion that putting a healer in each group seemed like a good idea.

“And at least one officer! Because we have group-wide damage auras! And they don't!” Smidgen added.

“I hope I remember to fire all of you later,” Quircy Rau said. “Everybody else, mount up!”

Has a greater landmada ever been assembled? Motorcycles and helicopters with hockey sticks for propeller blades arranged themselves like satellites around a planet of steel and guns, a mobile fortress made for hauling and having it out with any competitors who wanted to tussle. Michael pointed the way with his sworded Michaelcycle, Eten drove an ice cream truck in the rear with one beefy arm hanging out the window, and in the center, atop a landship painted on one side with Vinnette Melban's winking face and on the other with a caduceus and gun battery crossed, stood Quircy Rau.

“Zims, could you tell me how cool I look? I don't want to turn around.”

“Pretty cool, but put up one arm like you're about to push back your hair. Don't do it though. Try to look serious, but not worried, like you're thinking about something else but you know you have it figured out. Like that. Yeah, that's unbelievably cool.”

“Great!” She raised her voice. “Go go go go go!” And they went. Under Opuwa's eternal clouds, the floor no longer extended its unbroken light blue in every direction. Reds crossed greens and browns which raced alongside pinks underneath pins, signs, and horseshoes that characters on break had tossed with too much power and not enough skill. If parents wanted to plop their kids somewhere in order to have a quiet meal for once, no better place could be found, had it not been for all the vehicles driven by daredevils who considered safety a synonym for cowardice.

Crashes and spinouts added flavor without slowing overall progress, the ideal level of danger for people with somewhere to go. En route, Holy Legend Army's most accomplished Slay Every Dragon expert delivered an intelligence briefing on the enemy of the day.

“We're talking about your normal turn-based RPG here! You've got parties of four slayers for most modes! It's equipment gacha!”

“Boo!”

“Nice!”

“I have no opinion myself but appreciate that people come at these games with different perspectives!”

Beowulf took a breath and resumed. “Gear has stats but also has skills to master like F**** F****** IX or T**** o* V*******, which means each slayer can bring in a certain point-allotment of skills! That's where a lot of the theory and teambuilding comes in! You should give it a try! I'll help you get started! Anyway!

“The setting is fantasy! There's a magical material called elionium that usually takes the form of a vapor! When elionium gathers somewhere in high enough concentrations, it coagulates into a strange creature that has a weird appearance and powerful abilities based on the location it forms! These are the dragons!”

Society Page Lasva interrupted. “This briefing is all the evidence I need for my hard-hitting article about how the way crusaders talk is all a big put-on. I shouldn't have said that out loud. Anybody who steals my idea will feel the fury of the press!”

“I learned how to talk like this from playing lots of Slay! I'm glad I have a chance to try out this dialect! Moving on! When dragons form, they often go on rampages, which is a common thing for dragons to do! Not just in that game! Crafters known as elismiths forge special weapons capable of dispersing elionium for specialized societies which train dragon slayers to use those weapons! There are all kinds of societies with their own stories, which means you aren't always stuck with the main guy, Alvin Renzis! He's bland but I don't mind him!”

“Thanks for that summary, Beowulf. None of it affects our strategy, but it's either that or we listen to people yelling 'Woooo!' all the way there. That's why I invited you to deliver the first installment of the new Loudly Yelled Lecture Series, LYLS for short. It's a shame words don't always behave themselves, or I could have spelled out RAU. C'est la vie!”

“It was my pleasure!”

Beowulf's gratitude reduced to disgruntled silence all those jokers out there who wanted to say “la vie” in response but lost the timing, which cleared the soundscape for a lot more “Woooo!” and even “Yeah yeah come on!” Quircy wrote down a reminder to book a longer-winded speaker next time, and Zimley Boe appended “Ecke e.g.” to the bottom.

The horde stopped under Slay Every Dragon, waited for Quircy to clear her throat for an inspirational speech, and hopped on the Back button the moment she began it.