“Shit. I’m so sorry,” I cried as I exited the atmosphere, my head spinning.

“Aries, it’s fine. Go somewhere safe, we’ll finish off here as quickly as we can then take the long route back to Freo. We’ll let you know if we notice anyone following us,” Tuc’s voice came over my earpiece.

Fuck. I’d endangered everyone for basically no reason. Just because I felt guilty for causing so much suffering. Great, now I’d probably caused even more suffering. If the Council found out that I had been there, they would interrogate and probably torture every single person on that planet.

It was all my fault. Again. Everywhere I went, I caused people to suffer because of me.

Tears trickled from the corner of my eyes as guilt threatened to overwhelm me again. I clawed at my earpiece desperately, turning the microphone off before anyone could hear me lose control.

I hated this. I hated everything about how I was feeling and how people had been treating me. I didn’t deserve their respect or their reverence. I was waiting for them to realise who I really was; A scared, dumb girl who has no idea what she’s doing. Someone who now has to have music or shows playing constantly whenever I’m alone otherwise I have panic attacks. Hells, I can’t even get a full nights sleep without waking up multiple times with nightmares and dreams where either I’m killed, someone I love is killed or where I’m the one killing.

A mess. A guilt-ridden mess. That’s all I am.

Tears had started to flow uncontrollably and my breath was coming in gulps. My hand flew across the screen, copying a previous flight plan and turning on autopilot.

“Route to District Sivent-9 confirmed. Autopilot engaged,” the ship told me but I couldn’t hear it over the sound of my sobs.

They echoed around the small, claustrophobic cockpit. My head began spinning, making the surrounding stars and planets unsteady blurs of light that swam across my vision. Nausea bubbled in my stomach as I cried so desperately that I couldn’t breathe.

I cried out of guilt, shame and fear. I mourned for all of the people I didn’t know but who had died because of us. I cried in fear of what was happening to Peggy and shame of our complete lack of action. It had been over a month and we were no closer to finding her. She was somewhere, alone, being tortured by the Council and we were on Freo safe and comfortable. She deserved more. She probably believed that we had abandoned her.

A cross between a sob and a wail poured out of my mouth. She couldn’t believe that. She had to know we were looking for her, that we wouldn’t stop looking for her until we found her and she was safe. I sucked in another breath, dropping my head into my shaking hands and ripping my wig off my head. I couldn’t deal with it clinging to the back of my neck any longer.

Hot tears raced down my cheeks and dripped onto my suit as sobbed continued to wrack me.

I needed to do something to stop the guilt. I needed to punish myself. I deserved pain. I deserved to gouge my skin and see my self-hatred on my flesh.

My hands scrabbled around the interior of the ship feeling for something, anything I could use to hurt myself. My hands emerged from the under-seat pocket clutching a vomit bag which I threw down with an exasperated noise. I needed something sharp. Or, at least, solid. A screwdriver would be ideal. That would do the damage I so craved.

“Ah!” I cried victoriously, tearing the small fabric tool kit from the side of my seat and frantically unzipping it.

I panted slightly as it fell open in my lap and I examined the tools inside. The flat-headed screwdriver would do what I wanted but my eyes landed on the small soldering iron.

A shiver of fear and anticipation ran through me. That would cause more pain than just the screwdriver. That would burn my flesh and cause lasting pain. I could imagine the pain I’d feel every time I stretched my arm.

I wasn’t thinking about how the others would react when they saw my mauled arm, I was too busy trying to break myself out of my thoughts. The guilt and shame would just continue building until I found another way to deal with them. I needed to feel something other than emotional pain, I didn’t care if it was physical pain.

My fingers scrambled to removed the velcro holding the soldering iron in place when a beeping finally broke through my loud sobs.

I stared at the screen blankly, having to blink several times to make my eyes focus on the words on the screen but luckily the ship read them out to me.

“Approaching warp gate,” it said.

I frantically looked up through the screen in front of me at the huge spinning gate and barely had time to draw in a breath before I was pulled inside. My ears popped and I could feel the tears rising off my burning face as I clutched at the tool kit in front of me and tried to count in my head for the sucking feeling to dissipate. Sweat built on my upper lip just as the feeling disappeared leaving me gasping for breath and queasy.

I grabbed the bag I’d thrown down earlier, managing to get to it just in time as nausea wracked me again and I vomited. My body continued to heave, evacuating all traces of my lunch until I was empty.

My head fell back, exhausted. My tears had slowed from a frantic waterfall to a gentle river and I longed for somewhere to curl up and sleep. I wished to be able to disappear into a dreamless sleep for so long that when I woke we’d found Peggy and she was safe but I knew I couldn’t.

I dropped my head forwards and stared at the soldering iron still clutched in my hands. Forcing myself to move carefully, I strapped it back into the kit and slipped it back into the pocket on the back of my chair.

Hurting myself might help me feel better for now but that wouldn’t last. Guilt and fear would consume me again and I knew this wasn’t the answer. I didn’t want to spend the next few weeks wearing long sleeves even when sleeping and being unable to go to the Pleasure Deck again. Or, even worse, going to Chal to be healed and seeing the way his worried eyes carefully examined my face before offering to give me antidepressants, mood stabilisers and sedatives. I was on antidepressants already. I’d started taking them a couple of weeks before. They’d started to kick in already, my mood was already more stable, less prone to darkness but still, I knew he was worried.

I rubbed my burning eyes with my fists before blinking around at the planets surrounding me. I didn’t recognise them immediately. It wasn’t a district I’d been in before. I had no idea how long I’d been crying or how far I had travelled.

Glancing at the route, I realised where I was. Sivent-9. Near the Sphoreia. I could finally go. I could go for Peggy. She’d always wanted to go. Her eyes lit up and she sighed dreamily every single time she talked about it. I had to.

Wiping the last few stray tears off my face, I inputted the new route. I would finally get to see the blossoms. I could tell her about them when we found her again. Maybe, one day, I’d even be able to take her there. She’d love it.

I thumbed the disrupter on my temple, tracing a circle onto it before tapping twice to select a different face. Checking in the mirror on my comms device, I smiled. This face looked completely different to the last one. The skin was pitted with acne scars. It had a broad nose and small lips. I raised them, admiring the smile. It was nicer than my own. I felt a hollow pang of jealousy as I switched off autopilot and took the controls.

“Aries, you’re safe to come home. There’s no sign of a follow,” Tuc’s voice spoke quietly into my earpiece.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him. I didn’t want to be around people. I couldn’t go back yet. I had to go to Sphoreia for Peggy.

“Acknowledged,” I forced myself to say so that he knew I hadn’t been captured.

I fished the earpiece out before he could reply and dropped it into my pocket. I needed to be alone. Or at least surrounded by people who didn’t know me or what I had done.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, I looked down at the screen. I was almost there.