《SIN-BIN》49. Panic
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Sitting at Starbucks, I stare out of the window. My book is sprawled in front of me on the table with a cup of my favorite Honey Almond Milk Flat White, but I don't really want to drink anything. I can't focus on my book. I'm worried about Colton, and this feeling is slowly worming its way through my mind, filling every brain cell. His talk with his mother's... hmph... friend messed with his head a big time.
When he came home that day, I was in his apartment, reading '' by Stacey Kestwick. I couldn't focus on anything new, so I chose one of my all time favorite books. It really helped me to distract myself, even if my thoughts kept going back and forth between the Avery I knew and the Avery I probably would never meet. I couldn't imagine her cheating since it seemed totally out of character. She was kind, she was loving, she was a perfect mom for her son. Another reason for me to think he was wrong in his assumptions was this, why would she become so upset with her husband cheating on her if she were doing exactly the same thing? I was telling myself over and over that Colt would come back telling me he had it all wrong, and this Leo guy was just a really good and loyal friend. I could be so naive sometimes.
The second Colton stepped into the living room, I knew I was wrong. Just one glimpse of him told me everything I needed to know he got the answer he expected... even if he didn't want to believe it was the truth. Despair. Confusion. And anger. His dark brown eyes became darker, turning almost black. The sorrow reflecting in his gaze got under my skin so easily and so strongly, so I thought I was the one who got this news about my own parent. I was ready to do anything for him to share his pain with me, while he just needed me...
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"Talk to me." I whisper, threading my fingers through his hair. His head on my lap, as he lays on the couch with his eyes closed. "Colt."
"My entire ride home I had only one thought on my mind... My parents' marriage went to shit like a fucking butterfly effect. The tiniest thing changed everything. Every fucking damn thing."
"It's never like that. It's like a chess game, when you have chess figures taking their places during the game which allow one or other combination. The king is always a king, just like the queen is not a pawn. People's behavior defines what happens to them in addition to life circumstances." I retort slowly and he shifts a little to peer me in the eyes. "The same situations but how we react to them depends on our personality, on our inner strength. Take Layla and me for example. We have a lot of things in common, we have similar interests and heck, we have known each other for years so we have had time to get used to one another. Once we almost got arrested. Her reaction? Screaming, crying, almost throwing up. Me? Racking my brain to try to find a solution. And I fucking got us out of that shit, and the police officer even gave us a ride home, letting us out a few blocks earlier so we didn't get in trouble with our parents. The same situation, the same input data and a totally different reaction. It's not one thing, Colt... It's never just one thing."
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He smiles weakly at me and sighs, sneaking one of his hands under my tee and pressing it to my belly. "You're too good for me."
"Nonsense." I ruffle his hair gently, massaging his scalp with my nails. "What did you find out?"
"My father has never been a nice man. Strict. Authoritative. His business' success affected him, making him harsher, more scheming, and also distant. While Mom... She's the total opposite of him. You can't find two more different people than they are, and yet... They loved each other. It wasn't a stupid marriage of convenience, or her getting accidentally pregnant so he felt obligated to marry her. They fell in love and wanted to create a family. They both wanted me." Colt falls silent, and I don't rush him. I wait, giving him my warmth as long as he needs me. "The busier he became with his business, the lonelier she felt. I was growing up and with hockey and my friends, I needed her less and less. He gave her an art gallery. My mom always loved art and Dad knew it... he felt guilty for being absent so he gave her a fucking gallery. He wanted to make her happy, to help her find something she wanted to do... He gave her something she really needed. Ironically, that place ruined everything."
This time his pause is longer than the last time. His eyes are on me, but I doubt he really sees me. He's lost in his memories, trying to find things he failed to notice before. I know how it feels... all too well. The darkness of my room appears in front of me as soon as I lower my eyelids. Me sitting on my bed, staring at the wall with only one question. Why did I think Levi loved me? All the details, the tiniest signs... everything went overlooked. I know how Colt feels, even if I would have loved for him to never experience this. Having your world fall apart is one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially when the people you love are the reason it happens.
"Leo waltzed in my mom's gallery with laughter, charming everyone on his way. He is a funny, easy-going and also incredibly compassionate man. Everyone loved Leo. I remember thinking that even now, watching him during one of the exhibitions. I admired him because he was so different from my always busy and stern father." Colton sighs louder, and shuts his eyes again. "As I got older, I noticed HOW Leo looked at Mom. The guy had a crush on her, it was not just friendly at all. The only thing I was sure about... she wasn't interested."
I see the direction his story is taking and close my eyes too, his hand on my belly spreads warmth across my skin. My fingers slide to his cheek, absentmindedly drawing little circles with my fingernails. He has a little stubble, and it's a bit ticklish. Though the mood I'm in is not one for laughter.
"She went on a trip to New York with Leo to meet with the owner of a local gallery. There was a pleasant atmosphere around her. They had some drinks to seal the deal. The man who was always nothing but nice to her, as opposed to her own husband who barely had time for her those days. And she gave in. My mom spent the night with Leo... and left first thing in the morning, realizing what she had done." His voice is so low, so I bend my head to hear everything. "A month. She kept it to herself for a month. She talked to Leo, telling him it could never happen again. And then she went and confessed about everything to my dad. The feeling of guilt was eating her alive, so she decided to be honest with him... Hell, Ava, I have no idea what she was thinking..."
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"She was lonely-"
"Don't." Colt cuts me off, snapping his eyes and boring his gaze into me. "Loneliness is not a reason for cheating. Ever."
I nod my head, biting my bottom lip nervously. His take on unfaithfulness proves only one thing... he will never cheat. "You're right. Sorry."
"You shouldn't say you're sorry." He smiles at me, taking a deep breath. "I actually mean I have no idea what she was thinking, telling Dad about it. I get it, she felt guilty. I get it, she didn't want to lie to him... but Dad is Dad. You can't hit a rabid dog, not expecting it to bite you in return. It's wasn't a fucking fairytale. She opened herself to his anger, to his wrath... and she still decided to stay. Knowing who he was, she still stayed."
"Because she loved him."
"Because she loved him." Colt confirms, smirking bitterly. "And he cheated on her with Helen. As payback."
I look away, my thoughts like a hurricane, speeding up and becoming wilder with each passing second. As payback... His father didn't plan it to be more than a one-time thing, did he? Helen getting pregnant was a huge surprise to him and he definitely didn't expect that outcome. "But why did he continue?"
"I have no idea, Ava. He doesn't love Helen and never did. He doesn't have any other women in his life, he uses the mother of his daughter as a fucking sex toy, when he wants to satisfy his needs. Or he did... I barely know what he's doing these days, let alone who he lets in his bed." His tormented eyes find mine and neither of us looks away. "I will need to talk to him... I want to know his reasons. More than anything."
"When?"
"When I am ready." He shrugs, sitting up and instantly hauling me to his chest. "I would have never been able to process all this without you. I would have lost it for real."
"You're exaggerating." I wrap my arms around his neck, staring at his enigmatic eyes. My very first thought about his eyes color comes to mind. As if he's a demon himself, alluring and tempting. Almost seven months later I still think the same. Colton Thompson is my own Hades, and I'm his Persephone. The addiction is strong and unwavering.
"I'm stating facts, my little Miss Lover of arguments."
"A new nickname?" I quirk an eyebrow, as he winds his hands around my waist and stands up from the couch, making me hook my legs behind his back.
"I have a ton of new nicknames for you." Colt murmurs, inching closer to my face. "But, Honey is still my favorite."
"Oh, I have no doubt, Winnie the Pooh." I kiss his lips quickly, failing to fight my growing desire for him. "What are we going to do?"
"Take a bath." He carries me to his bathroom, as a question pops in my head.
"Did your mother stop being friends with Leo after she told your father about them?"
Colt stops in his tracks, eyes raking over my face. "No. I don't remember them ever stop seeing each other... My father could have thought she continued her affair..."
"Absolutely." I nod my head and see him heave a sigh.
"I really need to talk to him. I only hope he will tell me the truth." He mutters, resuming his stroll and opening the door to his bathroom.
Undressing and getting in the bath together, I have only one thought on my mind. His father really liked me and was happy for Colton... No matter how fucked up all that is, Eric Thompson loves his son.
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I blink and reach over to my book, closing it. I want to enjoy what I'm reading and my mood isn't fitting for that. I recently promised myself to focus on my physical TBR as I dnf-ed a few books I was reading on reading apps. It is way safer if I would like to throw my book away if something would piss me off again. And that's how I ended up with '' by Kate Stewart... I definitely love to torture myself.
I sigh, turning my head almost jumping in my seat. Fucking Baker! What the hell does he want from me?!
"Hey little trouble." He smiles smugly, leaning his back against the chair. "It's been a while, don't you think?"
I grab my coffee and take a sip, keeping silent. It's the first time Colt is visiting his mom after his talk with Leo, and I didn't want to pry. I finished with my studies and went to buy myself a coffee. There is also a small gathering planned for guys from the team, and if he gets back in time, we plan to go there. As a couple. Officially. I was in two minds about this evening already so seeing freaking Adam Baker while I'm alone is definitely not something I wanted to happen for sure.
"What do you want?"
"Just to talk to you. Nothing else." The sweeter he sounds the more shivers run down my spine. He's like the most horrendous creep, and I honestly feel uncomfortable with him around.
"I don't want to talk to you."
"Then how about a little quickie? I heard it's your thing."
"My thing?" I lower my cup on the table, furrowing my brow.
"Sex in public. Thompson said you fucked him at the movies." Colton said? At the movies? Fucked him? What the fucking hell?!
"You're delusional." I shouldn't have waited so long... If we had gone public with our relationship like he wanted to two weeks ago, without waiting for this gathering, this scumbug would not even be talking to me, being afraid of Colton. I zip up my jacket, put my book in my bag, and drape it over my shoulder, standing up. "Thompson hates you. He would have never talked to you about anything."
"Then how do I know?" Baker chortles, jumping to his feet too. He feels too confident. Too sure of himself. What is he playing at? "That boy is way more talkative than you think when he's angry. Just like you're not as discreet as you think. Rumors circulate fast, Ava. Everyone knows you spread your legs for him at the fucking library. You are such a little whore."
Anger boils inside me as if I'm a volcano crater. I'm ready to bite his head off, but most importantly I want him to leave me the fuck alone. "Your fantasies are good. You should think about writing a book."
I stride past him, my whole body trembling from my irritation. I'm so fucking furious so I don't really watch where I'm going. My vision blurs so suddenly so I even halt in my tracks, literally freezing in the doorframe. What the hell?
A hand drapes over my waist and someone pushes me to start moving. "You should be more careful, Ava. Not paying attention to your drink? A very stupid decision."
Oh my God! I try to wiggle, but my body goes limp. I don't even have the strength in me to scream. My eyes flutter closed and the last thing I remember, Baker opening the door of his car and shoving me in the backseat. Darkness follows... and I'm back on the ice rink again ... hurt and broken.
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Where am I? Slowly I open my eyes and see total darkness. My heartbeat ascends at crazy speed, and my chest is aching. All my old memories are rushing back and I'm having a hard time breathing. I'm going to suffocate myself from fear... Oh my God... Oh my... Oh... God... I'm hyperventilating, all over again... Oh my God!
I press my palms to my ears and shut my eyes. I'm so close to a panic attack, it honestly scares the living shit out of me. I don't want to feel that again... I take a deep breath in through my nose, and feel air filling my chest and then my belly. Exhaling slowly through my mouth. One, two, three, four, breathe in. One, two, three, four, breathe out. Extra slow. Keeping my eyes shut and reducing any sounds, it helps me to focus on breathing. Over and over.
It's cold as shit, but I don't let myself think about it. I don't let myself think about anything. I focus on calming down and it helps. I open my eyes and scan the place with my eyes. It's some house... probably abandoned as I don't see any furniture and only notice a broken window.
Carefully standing up I take a timid step forward and kick something with my foot. I kneel down, feeling the floor with my hands until I reach the object. It's my bag! I grasp it as if it's a fucking lifeline hurriedly opening it and pulling my phone out of it. Tears stream down my face, as relief washes over me. The dumb fucker left my phone with me...
I unlock the screen and see No signal. My heart drops and I lick my lips, feeling a familiar ache in my chest. Not again, not again, dammit! Quick, I need something incredibly irrelevant to distract myself. I press the unlock button and the Siri icon appears on my screen. "Siri, Lumos Maxima."
Flashlight turns on and I sigh, licking my lips. My mouth is as dry as a bone, and I desperately want a drink. Yet I forbid myself from worrying about it. I need to get out of this place... and I need to call someone. Maybe I'm an idiot but I don't think Baker is here. He wanted to scare me... to humiliate me... to make me pay for what I did to him. And he fucking did...
Wiping away my tears I move forward, close to the window and suddenly my phone dings with an incoming message. Then another one. And another one. The signal is weak, but it's there. I don't open the messages. They all are from my friends: Layla, Drake, Clay... and Colton. I dial his number, pressing my phone to my ear and only praying he will answer right away.
"Ava? Where are you? I've been going crazy... no one knows where you are. You haven't been picking up your phone, aren't answering your messages." He blurts out of breath, as if he ran a marathon. His voice is full of distress.
"Colt..." I sniff, breaking down in tears. "I hav-ve no i-ide-a where I am... It's pro-probab-ly a stupid prank... He thought it... it would be funny..."
"Babe, what happened? Tell me what happened." He demands, as I close my eyes again. I hate myself for being weak... I hate myself for letting Baker do this to me... I hate myself for not standing up to him...
"Baker... He added something in my coffeeeeee..." Saying that I slide down the floor, pressing my back to the wall and fucking cry. I need a few minutes to calm down. I need it to even out my breathing again... I will find a way out, but... that jerk... That fucking moron is petty as fuck... I truly hope he will be miserable for his all damned life.
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