He keeps quiet so I ask another dreaded question.

"Could you see yourself in a long-distance relationship? While working and raising a child with your ex-wife?"

"I don't know," he honestly says, blowing out a long breath.

I nod before responding, "I'm not sure if that's enough for me, Eli."

"What do you mean?" he asks, a hint of fear in his words.

"You know what I mean," I quietly answer.

"No, not really. I am not getting back together with Janet if that's what you were thinking," he shakes his head.

"I wasn't," I tell him. "And I would've gladly entered into a long-distance relationship with you before all of this happened but with Janet and the baby in the equation... that's not what I signed up for. I'm not sure if I can deal with the 'what ifs', always wondering. I did that all my life with my parents: Do they care about me, or not? Will they come pick me up, or not? Will they help me, or not? Will they be there for me, or not?" I pause, catching my breath because I started breathing heavily. I needed him to know my concerns with this situation and I am glad I managed to get them all out. "But, I know you are not my parents and I think I am willing to try. For us." I finish somewhat confidently.

He nods with a small smile but then his body jerks a little as if he just thought of something unpleasant - an unwelcome realization.

"What I am about to say isn't fair but I have to say it," Eli starts, voice thick with emotion. "I don't want to lose you, us, what we have. You mean so fucking much to me and I meant what I told Ben - you are the only good thing in my life. You do know more about me than most and I trust you. I haven't trusted someone in a long time. Not even myself. I know I shouldn't tell you these things now. I should let you break up with me, get the closure you need and deal with my shit on my own. You are young, darling. You should live freely without me tying you down with this mess. But it breaks me thinking about letting you go. I want you and, maybe I even need you in my life but it wouldn't be fair of me to ask you to stay with me through all of this. I-" he doesn't continue his sentence. While speaking, he moved further and further away from me. As if to give me the space to think clearly and make the right decision.

I can tell he's fighting hard to not cry, unlike me. My tears are falling freely again. My chest, my lungs my heart, my head - my whole body hurts. I hate this. So. Much. But I need him to know how I feel, at least. So he, we, know that this wasn't for nothing.

I take one small step forward and open my mouth. "Eli, I lo-"

"No! Don't," he growls out, and then snaps at me, "Fuck, Romy, don't you dare." His low, dark tone of voice carries authority and I immediately clamp my mouth shut.

"Why not?" I meekly ask.

"If you say those words, I won't be able to let you go, you won't be able to leave and you'll regret saying it for the rest of your life. Because if you stay with me now, you won't be happy, your life will go to shit."

"You don't know that!" I yell frustratedly.

"Yes, I fucking do!" he yells back. "You're young and naive and... and, fuck! You are not strong enough for someone like me. You need to find someone of your own caliber. Good thing we haven't actually had sex yet, or this would be even harder for you, so be glad. Now run along and leave me be." There's a storm swirling in his eyes. His jaw is tense and his nostrils are flaring but I can only focus on the ugly words he just spat at me.

I take a breath to calm myself before I answer. "You're just saying those things to push me away," I accuse.

"Great, I hope it's working," he spits out. I shake my head in disbelief.

"You know what? It is, good job" I bitterly snap back but I reign my grisly feelings back in quickly. I sniffle and wipe away my tears before saying what I actually feel about him and this situation instead of going down the ugly road Eli has taken.

"Thank you. Thank you for all the firsts I got to share with you. For the amazing time we had together while it lasted and I wish you and your child all the best. Really, I do." His expression darkens at my words and I know he doesn't like what he's hearing. Because even though he pressured me to do exactly this only a couple of moments ago, he did say earlier what he really wants. And that's me. "You are wrong, by the way. I am not naive nor am I too weak for you. I am too strong for you and you know it. I guess you were right about one thing, though. I really shouldn't have wished for you."

I left him standing there, a single tear making its way down his cheek, dropping off his chin and onto his shirt. Back at the house, Tess holds me in her arms for a couple hours, letting me cry it all out. She doesn't say much, except for a few soothing words and sounds. I don't think I have ever experienced a pain like this, I know it sounds dramatic but in this moment, that's what it feels like. I just said goodbye to the man I love. The first man I ever fell in love with. And he didn't even want to hear it.

After my sobbing has died down, Tess got up and made me some tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich and forced me to eat it. I did, though not without protest. My appetite has well and truly vanished after what happened tonight.

"Do you want to go home?" my best friend quietly asks.

"Yes, please," I whisper back and nod weakly.

"Okay. I will go with you."

"You don't have to do that, Tess."

"I know, but I want to. Simon already said he wants to visit me at our place, soon. He wants to see where and how I live. And we came in one car, so yes, I kinda have to." A small smile made its way onto her face as she talks. I force a smile onto my face as well but Tess notices the strain in my expression. "Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to gloat about Simon and me."

"I know, it's fine. I'm happy for you." I tell her and mean it.

"Okay, let's finish packing," she claps her hands together and gets to work.

The next morning, Bennett is helping us load our luggage into the back of Tess's car. It is fairly early, I couldn't sleep at all and I am more than tired. Tess insisted on driving the whole way by herself but I told her I would take over after I get some sleep in the car.

Ben slams the trunk close and I jolt. I almost fell asleep, leaning against the car. He winces as he looks me over.

"Sorry, Romy. You look terrible, are you sure you want to leave today?"

Tess slaps his arm hard. "Shut up, you fool! Don't insult her like that. She is a beautiful queen, okay?"

I manage a small chuckle at Tess's antics to defend my honor. He is right though, I look terrible. My hair is in a messy bun, I have swollen eyes from crying and lack of sleep and my skin is pale. I am wearing one of Eli's henley shirts over my crop top and cotton shorts and yes, I know, I probably shouldn't but I wanted something physical to remember him by. Sue me.

"You know I didn't mean it like that," he explains to the both of us.

"I know," I assure him. "Thank you, Ben. For everything."

He opens his arms and I step into his embrace. "Goodbye, Romy. For now, at least. We'll definitely see each other again. I wish it would've worked out between you two. You were good for him."

I am close to crying again so I remove myself from his arms and bite my lip to distract myself.

"Bye, Bennett."

"Bye, Romy."

Tess hugs her brother and they exchange a few threats and insults like siblings do before she jumps in the driver's seat of her car. I open the passenger door and I am about to climb in when something compels me to stop. With one hand on the roof of the car and one on the door, I turn my head to look over my shoulder - back at the house. And there he stands, on the porch. In a white long sleeve shirt and sweatpants. My heart clenches painfully and I suck in a breath before I quickly turn back around and get in the car.

"Go," I tell Tess and she puts the car in drive.

We slowly make our way down the dirt road driveway when suddenly, something bangs loudly against the back of the car.

"Oh fuck, Eli is running after you! Do you want me to stop?" Tess screeches after checking the rearview mirror.

I whip my head around to look out the rear window and my eyes go impossibly wide. Sure enough, there's Eli, slamming his hand against the car.

"Shit, yes stop, Tess stop! I don't want him to get hurt," I yell, slapping her thigh repeatedly until she stops the car.

"What's wrong with him?" she asks but I feel like it's more of a rhetorical question so I don't bother to answer. Not that I would have had enough time to do that anyway, because next thing I know, my door is ripped open by a rapidly panting Eli.

"Get out," he says and for some reason, I do as he says.

As soon as I unbuckle my seat belt and place one foot on the ground outside of the car, I am hauled into his strong arms. One hand rests on the back of my head, cradling my face into his heaving chest, the other pushes me flush into his body. I shamelessly inhale his scent, burying my face deeper into his chest. My hands fist the material of his shirt at his back. I can feel him moving his head as if he tries to look down my back.

"Is that my shirt?" he asks baffled, his breathing still heavy, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Yes," I mutter.

"Fuck, Romy," he groans and I start shaking my head.

He pulls back a little so we have the room to look at each other's faces. Both of his hands come up to frame my face. He holds me so gently and crushingly at the same time.

"What are you doing?" I ask confused, my curiosity not letting me wait for him to speak.

"I'm not letting you go," he states, green eyes greedily roaming my face. "I will let you leave because I know it's the right thing and it's what you need right now - but I won't let you go. I will not give up on you. On us. I will sort all of this out and get my shit straight and then I will come to you, begging at your feet to give me another chance. To give us another chance."

My mouth opens and closes without producing any words because I have no idea what to say.

"I am so sorry for everything. You didn't deserve any of it." He softly kisses my forehead, his lips lingering for almost a minute. Then, he places a small kiss on my nose before he lets go of my face and steps back. A small sad smile plays on the edges of his mouth.

"Until then, darling." With that, he turns and walks back up the driveway to the house.

As if on autopilot, I get back in the car and it takes me almost thirty minutes to find my words and explain to Tess what happened. After, she smiles at me as if to say, I knew it.