I can feel my pulse through my ears, and it felt so strong that I wondered if I was having heart problems.

My lips were still burning from the kiss earlier, and my mind felt cloudy. I wasn't sure how it started, and I wasn't sure how it ended either. And for the love of god, please don't tell me that I hallucinated because that would be the death of me.

But what if the kiss was an illusion? Some say that if you wanted something badly, your mind can play a trick on you and convince you to believe a false idea.

Did I really wanted that kiss to happen?

As far as I know, it felt... right. It felt real to me. I've never been kissed like that before. I mean, sure Natasha was my first kiss, but comparing it with Dani- It was completely different.

To me, it was like a whole new territory, and somehow I feel like I'm an invader of some sort. I'm scared. I'm so scared. Because with this new experience, I feel so alone, lost, and overwhelmed.

I'm so confused to what to do next.

"How's the finger?" Natasha asked.

Her voice snapped me back to reality, and I stared at her, feeling dumbfounded. With a chuckle, she passed me a plate of the turkey sandwich that we made, and together we sat down on high stools against our kitchen counter to eat.

"I'm alright, I guess." I replied, and glanced at the bandage on my index finger. "Dani helped me cover it up."

"That's nice of her."

"Yeah, she- yeah." I stuttered, and ran my hands on my face to snap myself back to normal. My head was hurting a little, my palms are getting sweaty, and suddenly I felt the temperature rise up. "Is it hot in here, or is it just m-"

"Do you want me to leave the room?" Margo offered, grinning innocently as she approached us to get a glass of water.

"Ha-ha." Nat mocked and rolled her eyes at her. "Very funny."

"It's only funny if you didn't agree." Margo replied, making Natasha gawk at her once again.

"You." Nat pointed. "Stop flirting with me."

"I'll stop if you stop giving me that look." Margo winked.

Natasha crossed her arms, her lips pursed, and looked as if she didn't know what to say.

"Margo, stop making Nat feel uncomfortable." Dani called out from the living room.

Margo and Dani were trying to set up the sound system that they brought so we could have loud music later. Unfortunately, Margo's band members couldn't make it to the party due to work, and busy schedules.

I glanced at Dani, and she gave me a small smile. I smiled back, but quickly looked away. It's so strange. I feel more awkward and embarrassed around her now. I don't like it. I don't like feeling like this. It's so frustrating.

Frowning, I glanced at Dani again, and she was giving me a concerned look. I held that stare for a moment and wondered if she and I could make this work. We haven't really talked about it... We just kissed, and that was all. What does that mean now?

"I'm so sorry." Margo laughed happily, and grinned at Natasha. "I'll leave you alone."

"Maybe you should eat another sandwich so you can sober up more." Nat suggested, and went to get the loaf of bread.

Margo chugged the glass of water, and said,

"Can I eat your sandwich, then?"

Nat paused, and gave Margo an incredulous look.

"You're ruining food for everyone." My best friend said, looking as if she wasn't sure if she should laugh or get angry.

"Margo." I said, my voice becoming surprisingly stern. "Just... stop it."

"Oh, okay." Margo muttered, and a bit taken aback at how I sounded. I sighed, and rubbed my forehead. Man, this migraine is getting worse.

I felt Natasha touch my arm, and I looked up at her worried face.

"Are you alright?" She whispered.

"I'm fine, it's just- My, uh... my head hurts a little." I whispered back. "Where's Thomas and Dennis?" I asked, looking around.

"I made them shovel your driveway." Natasha answered, and grinned.

"They're almost done." Dani said while lifting a curtain that overlooks the front of the house. She gave the two boys a thumbs up, and Dennis gave a thumbs up too, but Thomas gave the middle finger. "He is so mean." Dani said, laughing.

Dennis threw a snowball at Thomas, and they went back to work shovelling.

"I can't believe they're a couple now." Natasha said, while making another turkey sandwich.

"Why not?" Margo asked.

"Because they hated each other, you know?" Nat said, and passing the sandwich to Margo.

"They only hated each other because of you." I said, and poured myself a glass of water.

"Yeah, I guess." Nat said, chuckling. "It's so hard to be pretty." She flipped her hair, and I rolled my eyes at her. "Can someone help me set up the beer pong table?"

"I'll help." Margo volunteered.

"Alrighty, now Dani and Mave go set up the snacks. Pizza is coming in a bit, and I got a text from Gina that she's on her way to help with... what did she say again? Ugh I forgot, but she's on her way."

"Sounds like a plan." Dani said, nodding and started to walk towards me in the kitchen.

I choked on the water that I was drinking, and now I'm having a coughing fit. Great. This is so great.

Dani patted my back, while I coughed and hide my face on my closed fist. It's so odd that I can feel her warmth radiating on my side, and I wanted to either run away from her, or just hug her close to me and not let go.

"We have to talk about it." She muttered.

"I don't know where to start." I replied, and grabbed a party pack of whole-grain Tostitos.

"Alright, well, for one, your lips were on my lips earlier."

"Yes, I remember." I said, chuckling softly at her choice of words.

"And, I happened to enjoy it." She continued, while she grabbed a huge bowl, and I put the Tostitos in. "Did you?"

"Did I what?"

Dani sighed and I suddenly felt tension.

"Mave, you can't just deny what you're feeling right now. I'm trying to help you. For now, you have to talk about it. Because if you don't, you're just gonna be stuck there in your own little bubble, feeling all confused."

I popped open another back of Tostitos and stared at Dani.

"What do you want me to say then?" I asked, frowning.

"I'm not supposed to be instructing you on what you should say." She said. "Like I've said before, I just want you to be honest with yourself."

"Fine." I said. "Then I should tell you, that I'm not sure if I liked the kiss or not."

Dani narrowed her eyes.

"I wasn't sure if I should do it again with you, because it's... It's so new to me that I'm afraid that- I don't know... people are gonna start talking when-"

"Wait." Dani cut me off. "If you're concerned about people knowing that you're gay-"

"I'm not gay!" I snapped at her.

Dani stared at me with her narrowed eyes, and I looked away from her and suddenly found my fuzzy socks interesting.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... Uh." Dani said softly, her voice trembling.

"I just don't like how you think you know me all of a sudden." I told her. "While in fact, you don't know anything about me at all. I understand that what I'm going through is similar to what you went through- But, Dani... we're different people. I think I just need some space right now."

My head was pulsing with a painful migraine and I felt dizzy. I watch Dani nod her head once, and she passed me another bowl for the corn chips. Then she excused herself to go to the washroom.

I sighed as I looked after her.

"Agh, it's so cold outside!" Dennis' voice boomed when he entered the kitchen and sniffing his snot. Thomas was behind him, and together they huddled around me. "Mave, can you make a pot of coffee?"

"You can make it, yourself." I replied, feeling grumpy. "Coffee filter's up there in the cupboard."

"Someone's on their period." Thomas said, which made me so mad that I glared at him. "Okay, geez sorry."

"You should never say that to a girl, ever." I told Thomas. "It's rude."

"Alright then, well what's going on? Why do you look so... angry?" He poked my nose with his cold finger and I slapped it away.

"Because you're here." I replied glaring at him.

"Okay, okay, we all know you hate Thomas." Dennis said, and went in between me and the douche bag. "Let's clear the air. Let's make amends."

"Ew, no."

"You're such a bitch, Mave." Thomas said.

"At least I'm not hiding my hate towards you."

I heard a snicker behind me, and I turned around to see Dani shaking her head while setting up pop bottles on a table by the hallway.

"That's what I like about you, Mave. You're not fake." Thomas said. "You're so honest."

Dani started laughing. I turned and stared at her. She was giving me a pointed look, and I sighed in frustration.

"See? Tom just said something nice about you, now it's your turn." Dennis said.

"Do I have to?" I asked.

"Yes." Both Thomas and Dennis said.

I stared at the both of them, and said,

"I like how Thomas makes you happy, Dennis."

"Awe." Thomas cooed, and boldly kissed my cheek.

"What the fuck, go away!" I exclaimed and pushed the douche's face away from me.

"Now say another nice thing about me." Thomas said, laughing.

"I think you'll look good buried in a casket." I answered.

"That's so... dark." Thomas said, while Dennis burst out laughing hysterically.

"Maverick, you're not helping Dani!" Natasha said when she came back with Margo. Nat pointed at Dani who was organizing red solo cups.

"Oh, no, it's alright. Everything's done already." Dani said, shrugging her shoulders.

"You know what? My head hurts." I announced and stood myself up to get Tylenol from one of the cupboards. "You guys do whatever. I'm going to take a nap."

I earned protests from my friends, but I blocked it all out while I make my way upstairs to my room. The stress that I'm having was way too much, and I just want to curl into a ball and think of nothing.

And that's what I did on my bed.

But my mind keeps replaying what Dani said earlier.

...you're just gonna be stuck there in your own little bubble, feeling all confused.

She was right, but it seems as if I couldn't admit that. To be honest, the bubble that I'm in felt so tight around me, that I feel like I couldn't breathe. I can't just get out of it, because I'm afraid that without it, I'm going to face my fears head-on knowing that I'm not ready.

What or who's going to shield me away from troubles without it? Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm too attached to my bubble to even consider letting it go. But that just explains my weakness of opening up, isn't?

Am I a weak person?

I don't understand. I don't get it. Will I be like this forever? I hate feeling lost, and I hate feeling like I can't reach everyone's expectations. And I feel like Dani was expecting something else from me that I didn't reach. Then I found out that it was too much for me to handle.

I know I hurt her feelings, and I don't know how to make her feel better. I didn't want to hurt her, I just- I'm just having my own personal problems and I couldn't involve her with solving it, because that's not fair...

A sob escaped my mouth while I grip my sheets around me tightly. I closed my eyes tightly, begging for sleep to come over to make a desperate excuse and not face the reality that I'm in.

It's snowing. It's already snowing. Fall just seriously started, and it's snowing. Wtf Canada. Why? Just whyyyyy.

Unedited.

P.S. I'm gonna buy a new laptop, any suggestions?