The wedding...

I try my hardest not to cringe as Graham and Leah say "I do" and slobber all over each other.

I try my hardest not to throw up as Graham makes eye contact with me on his way our of the ceremony with Leah's arm wrapped around his.

I try not to let any of this bother me. That it could have been me standing up there in a frilly lace dress holding a bouquet of flowers that I created.

I'm not upset that it's not me but it hurts like hell that he can move on from us and from this morning so quickly. It took me months to feel normal.

My fingers are digging into my palm and I can feel the indents from my nails starting to form.

"Control yourself," Ryder whispers in my ear and grabs my hand. I sigh and continue looking forward, willing my brain to shut up.

"Ready to drink?" I ask Ryder standing up and smoothing my navy blue dress out. I've had this dress in my closet for over a year and this is the first time I've gotten to wear it.

It's high neck with a low back, it cuts off a little above my knee and has black lace detail. It makes me feel amazing, even as this day continues to put me down.

Ryder has his hand on the exposed skin of my lower back and I try not to attack him. He looks so fucking good in a suit, his wavy hair gelled back to perfection and his beard groomed. I can see other girls turn and stare as he walks by. It makes me move closer to him.

He hands me two glasses of champagne and grabs two for himself, "ready?"

I nod and we head into the room for cocktail hour. The flowers look amazing. Peach, cream, and dark purple mixed together perfectly.

"I did a damn good job," I say looking around.

"I'll drink to that," he says. We clink our glasses together and each down our champagne.

We're going to need something stronger.

We grab two more from a waiter who walks by. He looks at us strangely probably noticing the full glasses we are both holding.

"Addy-kins," my dad says with open arms as he approaches us.

"Hi Dad," I say, "this is Ryder. Ryder this is my dad, Jim."

"Nice to meet you," Ryder says all formally holding his hand out. They shake and we all fall into tense conversation.

"You did an amazing job. Your mother would be so proud," Dad says with a smile.

"Thank you," I say quietly hoping he will change the subject. I really don't want to cry right now. I want to drink and drink and drink then kiss Ryder. A lot. Maybe we can dance too.

"The wedding was nice," my dad says uncomfortably. I'm sure he was also imagining me up there instead of Leah. I wonder of he would have been happy with that.

Ryder and I look at each other and both let out a burp. Mine is real kind of tiny, Ryder's sounded like a t-rex after it finishes a meal.

We both start cracking up and my dad stands there startled.

"Excuse us," Ryder says trying to hold back his laughter. My dad's expression turns from confused to amused.

"I'm glad you chose a different path. You never laughed like that with Graham," my dad says then walks away when he sees a friend.

"Your flowers look nice but this place is stuffy. And lame. So fucking lame." Ryder leads me towards a table piled high with food.

I look around and notice the same thing. Everything is too perfect. The colors coordinate so well and are seen throughout the ballroom. The old floral carpeting and the dim lighting makes it feel old and sort of creepy. Like a haunted house. The DJ is playing pop ballads and people awkwardly mingle over tiny cocktail food.

"Why is cocktail food so tiny?" I say picking up a small sandwich.

Ryder shrugs, "to save room for cocktails?"

"When I drink cocktails I want to eat."

"Hmmm, I never noticed that," Ryder smirks.

I hit him playfully on the chest, "I don't remember you turning down any of the food we ordered."

"I didn't say I didn't agree with you."

Cocktail hour ends and the wedding begins with a stupid slow dance and other traditional wedding things. It's all fucking dumb. The garter and the cake and the throwing of my beautiful bouquet. The girl who catches it squeals as petals fall to the floor. I roll my eyes.

Ryder and I are drunk by dinner. We are sitting at our table with other couples and we are loud. We are laughing like idiots every time we burp and ignoring the looks we get.

"Weddings are such a waste of money," Ryder says.

Burp

We both crack up again. "Totally agree," I say, "they paid me a shit-ton for the flowers. And believe me I didn't give them a discount."

Graham and Leah make their way over to our table, "it looks like you two are having a good time," Graham says in a judgmental tone. I feel my blood begin to boil.

Ryder kisses my cheek and places his arm around my shoulders and all the anger disappears.

"It's a great wedding," Ryder says.

Burp

"Excuse me," I say and we both laugh again.

Leah quickly pulls Graham away and I notice him looking back at us. I flip him off. The whole table sees.

After a while our table gets up to dance or just to move away from us. We're quiet as we listen to the music and the guests singing and talking.

"I don't think I want this," Ryder says.

"Want what?"

"A wedding. The whole thing. Can someone really be happy with one person for the rest of their life?" He asks with a faraway look on his face.

"I think my parents would have stayed together," I say.

"My parents were never together. My dad sent me a letter on my birthday every year but I didn't meet him until his wedding. How screwed up is that? He felt like he was enough of a dad to invite me to his wedding but only wrote generic cards once a year."

I'm speechless as we sit and watch Leah and Graham make fools of themselves on the dance floor. Ryder hasn't spoken much about his life and I'm interested to hear more, but I also want to keep this fun and light.

"That is screwed up. Is your dad still with his wife?" I ask.

Ryder shakes his head, "they lasted about two years. My mom still hasn't found anyone and the closest thing I've had was with my ex."

"Maybe you haven't found the right person yet. I don't know much about this whole love bullshit, but wouldn't it be nice to find it?"

"It?" He repeats.

"That person that you want to wake up next to every single day and make memories with good or bad. Your person. Wouldn't it be nice?"

Ryder nods and smiles at me, his eyes sleepy from the alcohol , "it would be."