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Sorbonne University

11:30

The day was young, mid-morning, and Felix had been making all attempts to act normal, to be normal, to interact without care or a hint of bother that'd betray what was going on in his head. On his insides. In his heart. Conflictions, internalized bigotry, denial, trepidation. Felix was to keep a smile on his face, his chin upright, shoulders relaxed, breaths even, and act focused on the tasks that his professors would assign. Pretend, pretend, pretend. Nothing was wrong. He wasn't falling in love. He wasn't growing to loathe himself, more and more, for fancying a man.

It shouldn't have even been such a big deal when Felix thought about it, because he had loved a person of the same gender in the past. Jisung. Courted Jisung, made love to Jisung, kissed, touched, hugged, loved. But Jisung was a boy. Chan, different. Chan, a man. Grown, matured. Jisung was a phase; a moment. Temporary; an experience. A lesson.

Chan, a sin. Sincerity, immorality, unacceptable.

Felix shook his head repeatedly, brought his index and thumb up to his face, rubbed his nose, breathed in, out, repeated, paused. Repeated. Couldn't let his breaths speed up. Couldn't let his mind wander too far back into the past. Replay such a memorable occasion that he needed to forget yet wished to remember for all of the days that he would live.

The kiss with Chan underneath the Eiffel Tower. Hopelessly romantic. Stereotypical, Micawberish. Foolish boy to have allowed such a thing, in public. But when Chan's lips met his, surer and more planned than the first time in Chan's motel room, Felix couldn't fight it. Every urge to let go and let love mutated into emotions with more strength than he could ever perceive, and trampled upon logic, reasoning, and objections against sin.

Felix threaded a hand through his hair, smooth, thin, blonde. Looked up from the book that he'd had his eyes glued to for the past couple of minutes, not that he was reading anything. That textbook was merely a distraction in case Jeongin or Seungmin would look outside of the boundaries of their courting conversation and rescue Felix from the third wheel.

Felix jumped when Jeongin nudged his shoulder, smiling immediately after, a red hue staining his neck. They were seated on one of the wooden benches, small, but comfortable, on campus. Felix with a thick text open to a page that not even he knew on his slim thighs, Jeongin and Seungmin facing each other, lost in the connection that they shared, giving Felix his time to prepare for the upcoming class like the overachiever he usually was. Until Felix's silence grew too unsettling.

"Are you alright?" Jeongin asked, eyebrows knitted together, turning to face Felix more comfortably and avoid straining his neck. Seungmin leaned forward, looking sideways, all eyes on Felix. "You've been quiet since class ended. Is everything okay? Do you have an upcoming test or something?"

"I'm okay," Felix answered; a believable lie. Unless, of course, the tsunami in his head, packed with the debris of what was, what is, and what would be with Chan involved, could be considered okay for the average trends of thoughts for a young adult, a young man, a preacher's son. "Just reading, preparing. I didn't remember how much work university gives. Really took summer for granted."

"I get you," Seungmin said, "but don't strain yourself, Felix. We can go for a walk around campus, you know. Before class. Grab something to eat, perhaps."

That didn't sound too bad. Not too tedious, not too troubling. So, Felix nodded and closed his textbook; overpacked with information on philosophy and religious theory that he had absolutely no interest in. Idle men, he assumed, spent their livelihood to put the pages together. Religious leaders with round pockets, golden spoons, pompous chests, and empty heads. Felix smiled to himself, swung his leather bag over his shoulder, and followed beside Jeongin and Seungmin.

Sorbonne University did have some commendable architecture for its time. Ornamental streaks of black designed some parts of the grander walls, where the administration was too lackadaisical to organize a good scrubbing, even after an entire summer. Felix scrunched his nose in disapproval, and let his eyes survey the unnecessarily busy steps of students and workers, male and female. He wondered how many faced the level of personal conflict that he'd been left to battle. If there were any.

So, they walked, and talked. Talked about the differences between their professors as second-year students. Seungmin, a finance major, expressed that his Madame Garnier was this middle-aged woman who seemed more than tired of her occupation. So stern and strict and harsh. But Seungmin figured that it was because she was a woman. Couldn't allow herself to slack off, and risk being looked down on by the majority of male staff for her gender in the institution. They'd bombard her with questions about her submissiveness, and make rude assumptions about the husband that they knew nothing of.

Jeongin grinned as he touched on the characteristics of the one who taught him Law. Monsieur Toussaint. Tall, broad, thick mustache right beneath his nose. Jeongin chuckled as he wondered how the man's spouse would kiss him comfortably. Felix had a Monsieur Dupont; proud, arrogant, walked on air as though he was friends with the writers of the bible itself. Only one class had gone by, but Felix was already bored of the man's presence. Jeongin and Seungmin laughed at his acclaimed misery.

They were making their way back to an empty bench, from the canteen, when an all-too-familiar someone sped past. His head hung low, brown curls so frizzed and unpresentable before his face, his arms hugging a book before his chest. Neither Felix nor Jeongin, nor Seungmin had gotten the chance to observe the person's face, but it was more than obvious who it was.

Despite his slimmer arms, and depressing presence, that was Jisung. The Jisung they once called friend. The once bold, bubbly, loving, accepting Jisung. Now thin, detached, distanced. Felix looked down at his feet as Seungmin and Jeongin looked at him, and then at each other, and then at Felix again.

"How bad was the breakup?" Seungmin asked after much hesitance, scratching his nape, holding onto his cream-stuffed croissant with the next hand. "You've never really opened up about it... How bad was it, Felix? And have you spoken to him since? Checked up on him?"

"I couldn't and can't do anything, Seungmin," Felix protested, irritated. He scoffed, placed his Madeleines into his bag, and set his hands at his sides. "Don't make me feel guilty for this, more than I already am. I don't want to lead him on. So how can I just show up after all this time? Wouldn't it cause more harm than good? Why don't the both of you check up on him? I thought you were both friends with him."

"Goodness, Felix. Calm down," Jeongin scoffed and looked away, bouncing on his heels. "Why are you so irritable today? Seungmin didn't ask you that to cause any problems."

"It's always the same thing with you two. Always defending each other," Felix's chin quivered. Wasn't sure why. Where the argument was coming from. Where his points were brewing on his insides. But he knew that they needed to be said. Needed to confront Jeongin and Seungmin about their finger-pointing that had become more of a habit as of late, no matter how close they were supposed to be. "I'm always the other option, for the two of you. Not that I don't respect your relationship. I do. But you—you're both always so quick to accuse me and defend each other. It's frustrating." Felix flailed his arms, letting a tear fall.

So frustrated, and helpless. Felt alone, abandoned, almost. Like Jisung was being chosen over him, always was, always would be. That he was this dramatic, hormonal boy who knew nothing. Never made the right decisions. Never could hold on to friends or families or lovers.

"You're always the one making rash decisions, Felix. And we're here to put you back on track. You are being unreasonable," Seungmin rebottled, eyebrows lifted, arms folded before his chest. He glanced at Jeongin, the both of them disappointed in Felix, Felix disappointed in both of them. A big misunderstanding, an absence of trust, their friendship holding on by a thread. "Take some time to cool off, Felix. We'd catch up at the end of the day."

The sun felt hotter against Felix's skin as he walked away, holding back tears, jaw clenched, fists folded, enraged. Felix breathed in, and out. In, and out. Seungmin and Jeongin were unbelievable. He was sure that they'd gone around the campus to seek out Jisung, and ask if he was okay. How he was holding up. If he would like to see more of them, and in turn, them less of Felix.

The only two people who helped Felix to feel like something, now aided in the stirring of his nothingness. Felix chuckled to himself, and wiped a thumb beneath his eyes. Inhaled, exhaled. He would be okay. Just fine. Alone, but just fine. Guilty, ashamed, incomplete, but just fine.

Angry steps had taken him to the outskirts of the university, so Felix stood on the sidewalk. The September sun was dazzling, so Felix cupped a palm over his forehead, and looked around for an appealing restaurant or café that he could sit at to burn time. Or perhaps he could turn right back around for the campus library, but no. Not when the risk of bumping into Jeongin, Seungmin, or Jisung stood so tall.

So, a café would have to do. Sit and have coffee, munch on his Madelines, think, breathe, predict, repeat. That should sustain until the afternoon class. Felix took a step forward, from the concrete squares of his university compound, onto the soiled, unleveled sidewalk. The street wasn't too busy, most civilians at school or work, restlessly awaiting a bell or the hour hand of a clock for their break.

But just as Felix was about to quicken his pace did a cadet blue Jeepster Commando slow down next to him, startling. Felix gasped, the adrenaline kicking in to walk faster and farther away from there, perhaps back on campus, but never mind. Felix stepped back when he caught sight of the driver, brown hair slicked back, dimples hypnotizing, thin stubble poking out from the once smooth jaw and chin. Chan, grinning, a natural slice in his raised eyebrow.

"Chan?" Felix spoke out of his daze, unable to mirror Chan's smile when it never wavered. "What are you doing here?"

"Was just driving by. Saw you, and stopped to greet you. Are you busy?" Chan sang, weakening Felix's legs with his tone, smooth, alluring. He strained over the passenger's seat and opened the door for Felix from the inside. "I can tell you aren't. How about going for a ride with me?"

Felix couldn't decline, whether he had a class the next minute or not. He nodded, slow, hesitant, second-guessing, and entered the vehicle that Chan was obviously only renting. Felix smiled bashfully, fixed on his seatbelt, missing the moment that Chan reached for something near his seat to bring in front of Felix's face.

Spicy, almost like clove, subtle but sweet. The scent pulled a quiet sneeze from Felix's nostrils, and he looked at Chan, then back at the bouquet of carnations held up before his face. The pinking-white gradient of the petals called tears from his eyes in response to the gesture. With a quivering hand did Felix accept the flowers, embarrassment tinting his cheeks when a teardrop splattered onto a flower. It wasn't his fault he was so sensitive today.

"Chan," Felix whined, smelling the flowers, and sneezing again. Chan giggled with a quiet, "Sorry," but he knew that Felix didn't mind. "I thought you said you were only driving by."

"I lied," Chan stated and laughed again, regulating the gearstick to drive away from the university. "I wanted to treat my Angel with a romantic gesture. Was that too much to ask?"

"I—you're too kind, Chan. Too, too kind."

"Mhm?" Chan turned his head toward Felix, leaned forward, more, more, breaths close, teasing, risky. Felix knew that he was to pull away, stop this madness, and assert some form of dignity. He should've stepped out of that vehicle, leave the flowers, leave Chan, leave the sin, leave the love that was boiling.

But he stayed put, let Chan's lips meet his, let his eyes close, head tilt, heart flutter.

It wasn't a long kiss, but with the smile that Chan spread right after, and the indication that lingered in his eyes, Felix knew that it would not be the last. He looked around frantically upon regaining his senses, a breath of relief flowing out at the conclusion that no one was looking. Nobody near, no observing eyes, no tongues itching for the gossip that the preacher's son was committing such an abomination.

Felix shivered, swallowed, and smiled. He was with Chan; he would be alright. Was with Chan. Was nurturing his feelings for another man. Deliberate. A sin. Not a phase. Not Jisung.

"There's a place that I'd like to show you, Angel. It's on the outskirts of Paris. Are you up for it?" Chan asked as he drove off, Felix admiring him from the side. The sharpness of his jaw, the plump push of his lips, the incoming beard, sturdy hairline. Breathtaking. "It's a beach. Do you like the sea?"

"I suppose I do," Felix shrugged. "And I could use the escape. The day off. Don't worry about time." Felix relaxed, although taken aback by the flow of his own words. The irresponsibility that they carried. The imperil.

"Is everything alright? You sound... overwhelmed." Chan coughed, held his chest, took a rag that rested on the side of his door, and spit into it before continuing. "Didn't classes only begin yesterday?"

"Yes, but... Don't really want to talk about it."

"Alright, love."

+ + + + +

La plage

15:00

That drive was a long one, remarkably. The farthest that Felix had gone on wheels in his life, from what he could remember. But he could ask for no better shared moment. No shorter ride. No better person for a company. The streets of France seemed more beautiful during the three or more hours that went by. More admirable, memorable.

They'd driven to the outskirts of Paris, bordered by mountains, and valleys. The sun smiled down on them, two men, encouraging the union that they could only wish to establish. Felix's hair spun and tangoed with the wind that was left to bluster from the moving vehicle, a convertible. He'd asked Chan to take full advantage of it. Let the sky crown their heads, let the sun dazzle their eyes, let the air fill their lungs.

Felix would have never imagined France to be so beautiful. Yes, he'd heard tales, and seen pictures, but never matched them to the reality that he was living in. But there he was, with Chan, basking in the natural gifts of the creator. Felix looked sideways periodically at Chan, admiring the smile that hardly ever dulled, the dark shades that he wore to combat the wind, and the flexing of his arms as he turned the wheel.

After much time, they neared the sea. Wide, deep, enticing, terrifying. It'd been years since Felix was face-to-face with the ocean. Since he let his toes be tickled by the sand, let his skin soak in salt water. Chan was so thoughtful, wasn't he? Probably had it all planned out. Mayhap missed the Australian beaches so much that he went exploring on his own and made it a point of duty to take Felix there.

Chan looked at Felix, took down his shades and smiled, placed a hand on Felix's knee, and squeezed courteously. "I discovered this place last week," he said. "Decided that I must take you here. And you don't need to worry. People don't really come here. Especially not on a working day like today."

"You are too thoughtful, Chan." Felix shifted in his seat, attentive as Chan drove onto a rocky, sandy path to park the transport appropriately. Felix watched as Chan's chest heaved with his contented sigh. Chan leaned over to his side, cupped his chin, kissed his lips, and the skin behind Felix's freckles was set ablaze at the contact. There was a metallic something that Felix's tongue could recognize in Chan's mouth. Something different, salty, sour. But he sought not to dwell on that.

So, Felix kissed Chan deeper, taking advantage of their privacy. There was this thrill that came with being able to kiss another in the open. Another man. A man that he fancied. Under the sun, the sky, the clouds. In the midst of the rocks, the sand, the sea. Peace, love, hope. Chan was everything and all that Felix could ask for. Despite the age, the guilt, the sin. Felix could ask to be in no better place, with no better person.

Chan smiled cheekily as they pulled away, planting a kiss on Felix's cheek before stepping out of the Jeepster Commando. He stretched, groaned, and winced as he stood, yawning into his elbow. Felix chuckled, loving the casualty of his outfit. Navy blue polo shirt with white stripes at the edge of the sleeves and collar, and a pair of plaid trousers. Sandals on his feet.

Chan strolled over to Felix's side before Felix could make any attempt to open the door for himself, and pulled on the handle from the outside, still smiling. "No work for you today, Angel. I'm at your service," Chan spoke comedically, kissing the back of Felix's hand when he stepped outside, book bag left behind on his seat.

Felix watched as Chan reached into the box-like trunk of the Jeep for a basket, his cheeks higher than ever before when he held that and a red and white checkered blanket in his other hand. So predictable, yet not much so. Such a Chan thing to do. Felix looked away, flattered, charmed, falling deeper and deeper for the older man.

"You planned a picnic, Chan?"

"Well, I mean, of course. Why would I bring you all this way without some food?" Chan laughed, walked closer to Felix, and pecked his cheek. "Take the remainder of the towels and follow me, will you?"

"Mh? I thought you said I've got no work to do today?" Felix bantered, taking the towels, and following after a giggling Chan, feeding his eyes with the scenery. The trees and hills in the distance, mountains echoing his name for a hike with Chan, a distance pleading his escape with the man he wished to love. Felix shivered at the missed fragrance of salted water, limestone sand, and flanking rocks.

"I'll make it up to you," Chan said when they found a spot. He set down the basket, looked around, and waved at the seagulls gliding not too far out. Natural creatures to witness their 'unnatural' pairing. Felix frowned, a wave of guilt igniting goosebumps along his skin. He shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be with Chan. Shouldn't be loving, indulging, defying.