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Snap out of it - arctic monkeys

👩🏻‍🦱on🧑🏻‍🦱with🔫the💉chapter

************

✨Emilia

"I'm nice as fuck.

So if you see me being mean,

They earned that shît."

Aching, the pain killers were slowly wearing off. The last two days have been nothing but torture. I haven't spoke to my brothers since almost three days ago when Mia's water broke.

Imagine every single bone snapping in half and being forced together again, that's what I felt but tremendously worse. The stabbing pain that would swim through my body every few hours made me sob and whimper in pain until the nurses can to give me my medicine

My body can't even comprehend what time of day it is. I only open my eyes from their restless slumber only when I need to take my medicine and eat the little meals the provided. Wasn't too fond of them so the nurse told my brothers I wasn't eating the meals. It tasted so bland.

Even in the ambulance with my large open leg wound and glass cuts wedged into my skin, all I could think about was an ashen blue-faced Romeo with a seatbelt strangled around his neck. The image was imprinted into my mind and it wouldn't go away.

"Mr Russo, only three people are allowed in at a time, I'll have to ask that two of you leave the room."

"Can I have some of her cookies? She hasn't eaten them yet- ow Diego! Suck a toe!" A whimpering shrill fills my ears.

"Blade, Elijah, let me speak to her first, I'll call you in. Luca and Diego go find entertainment in the gift shop or something. " A softened and flat voice mumbles.

I assume Axel was with Mia.

THE BABY! I've been here for just a day and a half that must mean she's given birth already right? Right?

That explains why he isn't here. I don't blame him either. We've not been the best people to each other but I'm still happy that I can be an aunt.

But right now there was more playing and twisting on my mind. Gosh I've never wanted to cry so hard in my entire life.

I was scared. Terrified even. Only just to open my eyes.

Opening my eyes could only mean pulling me back to realty when really all I want is to leave.

I got lucky. If I had spent even another minute in that car I would've died. But now I was resting with the guilt on my shoulders.

Romeo. He was dead. Not even a corpse remains of him.

He was a bad man and I'd never thought I'd see the day when I'd feel bad for a man that treat everyone like crap.

Simply, I killed him. And I'll have to live with that pounding guilt with me for the rest of my days.

Why was I feeling guilty?

It's not my fault he was the one who crashed the car. But I was the one who pushed him too far in the first place. If it wasn't for me pushing him around outside the house, he'd still be here today. He'd be a grandad.

If I wasn't the one who pushed his buttons then he wouldn't be dead right now. Now my three elder brothers are going to have to deal with the fact that their younger sister is a murderer. Just like them.

Listening to the footsteps come closer, the beaming redness behind my eyes from the lights above me had gone insinuating someone was stood above me blocking the light.

"Sorellina?" A delicate palm brushes across my matted hair. It leaves from a second but a cringing scrape of the blue chair in the room pull across the floor.

"Are you sleeping?"

I don't respond. He huffs and sighs sadly to himself. I didn't want to speak to anyone at all. He knows about Romeo. He just doesn't know im the killer. I could never look him in the eye ever again. Ever.

"Axel is ummm... with Mia. She gave birth early this morning. The baby is... well... it's not ugly... it's just... ehh well."

All babies are adorable. I prefer when they're a few months old because newborns look so weird.

"It looks like ham. No offence. But it's so bloody and wrinkly. How does a new born baby look older than Nonna?" There was a low chuckle for a few seconds. I wish I could laugh.

He made me feel better, but the swarming guilt and darkness of remorse just snatches the light from my mood and poisons it black.

"I'm being deadly serious. And the baby is chubby too. It's cute though. Chubby babies are everything. It weighs eleven pounds- I'm shocked," he begins to laugh again.

Eleven pounds isn't that much for a baby right?

I remember how mum used to always tell me about how I was a week early. It freaked me out and I'm not sure why. She makes it sound like I was dying but realistically I was perfectly fine.

I was so close to seeing her yesterday. So close yet so far. On the brink of death is where I was.

"I'm not sure if you're actually sleeping but I'd like to talk to you. About the uhh... crash," his voice was flat.

He hates me. I already know he hates me. He thinks I'm a murderer. I feel so ashamed in myself.

I stiffen in my spot because I feel as though he can feel how awake I am.

If I could move right now he move on my side in the fetus position because that makes me feel safe.

So many wires and so many bandages made it uncomfortable for me to even move an inch. Going to the toilet was a nuisance as well.

The pain to my leg was coming back quicker and from the last time I took my medicine until a tear pricked my eye. Not the time.

"Mr Russo excuse me," the sound of the food trolley rolling in the room makes me feel queasy in top of the agonising pain and guilt I was already feeling.

"Sorry miss."

"Em I know you're awake but I'll leave you for today. The others want to see you too," his hand pinches my cheek delicately and I look through one eye as his figure walks away from the room.

What would I even say to him? Does he sound mad at me? I'm having mixed feelings right now. I feel guilty but then again, I wasn't the one driving the car.

Opening my eyes, the bright light makes me squint my eyes and carefully try to prop myself up on my elbows but the tubes were in the way. The nurse adjusts the pillows behind me and gently helps me put my back up against the pillows.

"Miss, your food," the woman removes the dishes of food from the trolley and onto the table that rolls over my bed.

Sloppy mashed potatoes with peas and chicken. Yum.

"Medicine," the little white cup rattled with my painkillers. Gosh thank the NHS exists. They're amazing.

With my shaky hands, I slowly throw back my head and pour the tablets and swallow them dry but take a drink of water to ensure they went down properly.

I tried to eat as much as I could but it was so bland and tasted like wet paper that it made me gag a few times. Physically, I couldn't stomach anymore food.

Looking outside the open blinds and out into the halls, I see Luca pressing his forehead against the window making smudges on the now blurry screen. Elijah and Blade were looking at me through the window but continued to have their conversation.

I've never felt so terrible in my life until today.

************

Waiting to be released was agonising for me. Everyday it was the same old silence filling the room. When I have everyone staring at me whilst I take a drink of water, it gets awkward.

Just two more days left.

"Thought I'd stop by." I was playing Animal Crossing on my phone to pass some time that I hadn't realised it was visiting times. Axel was making himself comfortable in the chair beside my bed with his arms effortlessly slumping over the sides to the chair.

Right. Now what do I do?

"You didn't eat dinner?" I shrug in response.

I ate too many cookies and bourbons that's why.

"I can nip over to Tesco if you like? Get you something better than this?" He offers with a slight tint of humour.

I just... don't know what to say to any of them. Should I say "how's Mia" or something. Or "how's the baby" just to change the subject?

"No."

The first word I've spoke to them since it happened. At least it's something.

"How are you feeling?"

Bro.

Taking a deep breath, I play with a random crisp on my shirt. I've eaten too many of them. They're addictive actually. I've eaten so much of them that they're hiding down my shirt.

"Like I got run over."

"Obviously... yeah sorry for asking. It was a stupid question," he face palms himself but becomes anxious and starts bouncing his leg up and down.

"Umm what happened? You just took off with Romeo for no reason? Were you leaving?" He questions me and I boil under the pressure.

"No but you can," I croak out when the image of Romeo appears into my head.

"No I want answers," he speaks out softly, but the demanding from his words still made me shudder.

He's not getting any.

"No-

"Don't you owe me that?"

I did owe him it. Just not right now. I'll tell him when I want to tell him. I can't say anything right now. I don't feel like I'm in the correct mindset to even answer anything.

"I don't owe you anything. Don't you have a child to take care of?" I draw my attention back to the game to avoid his constant and painful glares.

"Yeah I do actually. When you decide to tell me what happened, I'll be taking care of my child. Thanks," he stands up in a hurry and slams the door loudly behind him.

You screwed up, Emilia. I hope you're happy with yourself. You know they'll never forgive you right? Killer.

*************

It felt horrible knowing I couldn't utter a word to my brothers. I could but I didn't want to. Every time I had to go downstairs for my meal, could you imagine how awkward it was when one of my brothers carried me downstairs?

It's been a week since I was discharged from the hospital and it's been a week trapped in my bed to the point where my legs throbbed and stung from being in the same position all the time.

Being in the house just didn't feel right anymore. It felt more like a museum. They'd kill me if I asked to stay with Felix.

"Finally... he's sleeping," Mia huffs and balances her hands in her hips and throws her head back.

"Where's Axel?" Blade asks, snatching a slice of pizza from Luca's gigantic plate.

"Sleeping with Ty," she drags the chair back and settles down and steadies her heaving chest.

I'd had my headphones on the majority of the time blasting Queen so I didn't have to hear the ear piercing shriek of Tyler.

"Ty is right here, silly," Luca rags on Tyrone's shoulders and kisses his cheeks leaving the tinted chapstick smudge on Ty's tanned and defined cheeks.

"Tyler you dumb rat," Blade insults with a roll to his eye.

I wanted to see Tyler. I hadn't a chance to even get one look at him yet since I'd been trapped in my room most of the time.

"C-can- never mind," I shut my mouth and bow my head in shame. She'd never let me look at him. She hates me. I don't blame her either. I'm a proud bîtch.

They all stare at me with wide eyes simply because it's the first they've heard of my voice in a while.

"If you want to see Tyler just ask," Mia laughs and takes a large gulp of her Coke and wipes her mouth with her long sleeve.

Oh. Does this mean... I'm allowed to see him?

"Umm..." I struggle to get the words out.

"Sure you can," she fills in for me, "soon though, not right now because he's sleeping."

I can't wait to see him. I bet he's so tiny and delicate. Though Alessandro did say he was rather big for a baby but he'll probably just lose that.

"Thanks," I look back down at my dish to avoid everyone's gaze.

*************

"Can we talk about what happened?" Elijah suggests. Not right now. I don't want to talk about it.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about it but I just want to know what's on your mind." He takes a space next to me on the bed and pulls his blazer and drops it on the floor.

"I'm fine."

"Yeah the last time I heard that something always bad happens. Tell me."

Truly I felt like crying my eyes out. Guilt kept playing with my heartstrings and tugging on them.

"I just feel... guilty."

"What for?! You did nothing wrong at all. Why are you feeling guilty?" He squeezes my hand to show comfort but it only made a single tear stroll down my cheek.

"It is."

"No it's not, tell me how it's your fault? You can't choose if a crash happens or not," his voice was so delicate and soft.

"Yes but I am the reason why he is dead. I was the one who pushed him to get in that car in the first place!" A rush of guilty and remorseful years stream down my face and drip from my trembling chin.

"No, bambina, you aren't the reason he got in that car. Listen, I don't know what went on outside that day, but dad chose to drive that car, he made the choice himself-

"You don't understand! I made him angry and that's what made him pull us both into that car!!"

If I would've just gone back inside and ignored him, then he wouldn't have felt the need to push us both in that car.

But... what was he planning on doing? Did he want to hurt me? What was his true purpose to taking me in that car. Maybe he wanted to kill us both.

Just a thought. But it didn't make sense considering it was the red car that cut us off.

"Okay? And? Were you the one driving? Were you the one that crashed the car? I'd rather him be dead than you," he whispers the last part.

I would've preferred if none of had died. Him saying that doesn't make me feel any better. I killed his dad.

"I can understand why you'd feel guilty, but I assure you this it NOT your fault. It's no ones fault."

What makes me feel even more worse is that this happened whilst his son was getting ready to go to the hospital with Mia. He didn't even get a chance to see his grandson and that's because of me.

"We're all just glad you're okay," Blade was standing at the door with his shoulder leant against the frame and his hands shoved in his pockets.

"It wasn't my dad who was killed though! Now Ally, Lijah and Axel who don't have a dad now and do you know how it feels to take that away from them?!"

"What?" Elijah squints his eyes in confusion.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter anymore." I shake my head when I reason my mistake. How do I even tell the others that Romeo was really their dad? He my three elder brothers dad but he was mine, Blade and the twins dad.

"No what?" Elijah foods his arms across his chest.

"It doesn't matter."

"Yeah, it does matter. What do you mean? He was our dad. We all lost our parent," Blade gives a nervous laugh.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it," I bite the inside of my cheek roughly as a distraction to their questioning glares.

Shit.

Why did I have to open my big fat mouth?!

"Emilia..." Elijah warns me in a tone that was daring and he looked at me through the corner of his eye.

"Yeah?"

"Is he not your dad too? Stop fibbing," Blade was just about to exit the room with a smile on his face until I stop him.

"Well... umm... no really. I mean... theoretically yes, technically no," I explain with the rhythm of my hands.

"English please?" Elijah mutters.

"Well... He's not my dad."

That's what I'm feeling mostly guilty about, taking away their dad simply because I never got along with him, nor was he my biological dad. He's never taken care of me for a day in his life.

"As much as you hate him it's not fair to say he's not your dad, Emilia," Elijah shakes his head like he's disappointed.

See! This is exactly what I mean. I sound like a total bîtch! I should've just kept my big fat mouth shut and it would all be okay.

"No," I take a deep breath, "I mean he's not my dad. Or Blade's. Or the twins either. Mum was having an affair with some man. His best friend? I think he said," I pulled my hands up to my face to hide the embarrassment from my brothers.

"Lijah give us a minute," Blade's brows were furrowed and his happy expression was no more. He moves away from the gram of the door so Elijah can pass through. When he's gone, he shuts the door and sits at the end of my bed.

"What's that all about?"

"I dunno. Don't listen to me. I'm being stupid."

"So what? Suddenly he's not my dad?" He sounded irked at me. I can't blame him either.

"He told me, just after Axel was born he caught her and another man... yeah then he said he was his best friend. That's all he told me. I mean, in my mind it makes sense because we look nothing alike the others! Like, we're much smaller in the frame, have different facial structures and we look nothing alike our elder brothers!"

Blade seemed to thinking about it like he was piecing things together. Maybe it makes sense for him too! But Romeo not biologically being his dad doesn't make him any less of a dad to him.

"You're sure about this?"

"Not fully but I'm somewhat sure about this. It makes sense doesn't it? Ally, Axel and Lijah look nothing like us yet those three look like triplets! They've all got brownish eyes and we've got coloured eyes! We have smaller frames too! Slimmer bodies. We haven't got broad shoulders like they have!"

He ran over to the mirror to look at himself and his eye colour and inspected everything else. Eye colour meant nothing in this case, I just found it weird. But the other parts are true.

Those three literally look like triplets and we just look like cousins to them. Blade the twins and I all look relatively the same. Add the fact I was getting much taller as well.

But my question is: who was his best friend?

"So you're being serious?"

"Yeah. But Romeo could be lying. All he told me it was his best friend. You know anything of that?"

He was super young when Romeo apparently died for the first time. He would've been twelve or something so it wouldn't surprise me if he couldn't remember anything.

"No," he huffs with hands on his hips and a lazy posture, "but I know someone who might." He looks at the time on his phone.

"If we go now we might be able to find something," he rushes over to my bed and scoops me up in his arms and walks as fast as he can downstairs.

"Where are you going?" Diego follows us outside in the pouring rain. I was still in my fluffy pyjamas and them being partially wet made it kinda uncomfortable.

"Go back inside!" He shouts through the darkness.

"Where are you going?!"

"Diego! Go back inside!" Blade shouts once again unlocking the car and uses the arm that's under my legs to pull the door open and place me in the passenger seat.

Apparently my crutches didn't matter anymore.

"Just tell me where you're going!"