•Addicted•

Your ribs weren't ladders to climb up from this hell

And your shoulder blades weren't wings to fly to freedom

So why was it necessary

Why was it so desirable to have every bone visible

And to have people worried

Not knowing whether you're dead or alive upon looking at your small, sick body

And not knowing what to say

Whether to compliment you on your weight loss

Or to ask if you're okay

But your self worth was never weighed on a scale

But by your values and the way you cared

Maybe not about yourself but about others

Maybe not about the way you knew you were dying every day

But how you went out of your way to ask others how they were

To make sure they weren't going through something similar

And no, it wasn't fair

It was so not fucking fair

You didn't do a thing to anybody, you wouldn't hurt a fly

The only thing you would hurt was yourself

Denying yourself of something you knew you needed

But maybe you didn't know

Not anymore anyway

It was fine, the hours you spent avoiding it

The only thing that could truly make it better

You thought it would pass

That once you reached your goal it would end

But you couldn't do it alone

Being addicted you couldn't just quit

Addicted to being empty to bed and emptier to rise

The way you couldn't just quit was your downfall

Because if you're not recovering, you're dying

• • •

•What I Won't Miss•

Like measuring the gap between my thighs, there is so much I won't miss

The obsessive calorie counting and burning

The purple hands, and cracked fingernails

The shaking and shivering, tossing and turning, and dry, dead looking lips

The sadness in my mothers eyes when I asked her why

"Why do I have to do this? I don't care if I die!"

The endless appointments; physical health and then mental

The lightheadedness and fluttering heart

The blood tests, the pain, the cold.

The cold that sank to the bone, that no amount of warmth could withhold

And the fright.

The fear of the numbers and the hunger and the letting go

And, like being afraid of my own head, there is so much that I will not miss

• • •

For anyone who needs motivation to get better.

Well, I don't know if it's really motivating, or just depressing. But if you're struggling, reach out for help, please. You don't have to go through it alone and you don't deserve to stay in this bad place forever and miss out on life.

• • •

• • •