By

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PART I

I think that the first time I thought that perhaps I was not that straight was some time ago, in the beginning of my teenage years. I was just surfing online when one of those pictures from a fashion editorial came up. It featured Cara Delavigne bare chested. I couldn't make myself stop thinking about that photo (and I think I might have it in my computer somewhere still even though I hadn't thought about it in some time). It was the first time I questioned my sexuality.

Before that I always assumed that men liked women and that was the way things were. The words "gay" or "lesbian" were something so new I hadn't really thought about them, mainly because in my house, in my school or in my church they were never said outload. I forced myself to erase that image of my brain along with all the feelings that came up with it and completely forgot about the whole situation until very recently. I know. Who forgets about that time they discovered they were not heterosexual? Well, I did.

Some years passed. Words like "homosexual" started to appear in television when the LGBTQ movement conquered right after right in Europe. Suddenly my favourite actors were gay. My favourite artists were gay. Countries became "gay friendly". I started reading about it. Watching movies about the struggle that was not being considered "normal".

The opinions I had put me on the hot spot multiples times after that. Discussions with friends, colleagues, teachers and principally my family became something frequent. (Catholics, like a lot of religions are quite repressed when it comes to sex.)

I became an fierce ally to the movement but I never, even once, questioned my sexuality.

This outsider perspective changed some months ago. In Portugal, there is customary, that in our last year of high school, we go to "Mafra Convent" because one of our most famous writers wrote a book about it and I have to read it. On the trip back, we were all laying around in the bus. One of my friends had brought a guitar so he started playing and people started singing, one at the time.

I was in my seat, inventing new stories, like I generally do when I'm bored. In that day it was about two girls kissing in front of my school. One of my best friends stood up and decided that she wanted to sing and when she started the entire bus stopped talking to listen to her, amazed. And in that moment, the two girls in my head were not two strangers but us.

I understood then.

When she finished she came to sit at my side and started braiding my hair and I told her "I like someone" and she became so happy because even though we hadn't met for a long time, she knew that stupid passions and crushes were nothing I had ever experimented. She asked me who immediately. "It's a girl" It's all I said and just started crying. In that moment, my life was ruined. I would never be able to stand in front of my parents and tell them. She just hugged me and said "I wish I liked you Fatima so I could support you". Trust me, in that moment I couldn't care less that I had just been friend zoned. All I cared was that the person I was till then was gone.

I couldn't stop crying so she called another girl who understood what I was going through because she is bisexual and they both talked to me until I had calmed myself.

The next day was complicated. In some ways I didn't feel awake. In a moment I was completely fine, the other I just wanted to cry miserably.

It's not easy to be different. We all know that. Suddenly all the posts I had read in the pages I followed about some kid that had been expelled from home because he was gay could be me. I was no longer a supporter of, the movement, I was in the movement. The legislation that was approved or not affected me, the homophobic comments in the posts I read affected me, not being able to hold hands in the street affected me, the travesty forced to live in the streets, the transgender who was denied of her rights, the gay kid that was bullied, the girls that was beaten for loving someone of the same sex affected me! Not being able to tell anyone affected me.

PART II

I have two younger brothers. The youngest one, G, is in some ways very similar to me. I think that the best thing that I did for him in the last times was showing him, an American series called Sense8.

In that show, there's this couple Nomi (a transgender woman) and Amanita or Neets (her girlfriend). G LOVES Nomi what is pretty impressive when we consider that he has 13 years old and like most boys of his age, is an idiot who love homophobic jokes. He was the first person I came out to. This is how it went:

- G, I like boys. And I like girls too. – (I think I told him this while he was re-watching sense8. Trust me it's not a show you can watch just one time)

- I WILL HAVE A NOMI IN MY HOUSE?

As you can see it couldn't have been better I love him even more because he has good taste when it comes to american television.

My other brother was more complicated. He is a lot more complacent with what my parents tell him and my parents don't get tired of insulting the community.

I came out to my other brother, A, in a different way. We were walking our dogs:

- A, do you know how some girls like boys? And some girls like girls? Well, I like both. Does it bother you?

And he just looked at me and I was never more afraid in my life. With one word to my parents he could get me expelled from home.

- No. Why should it bother me? You are my sister.

And I just started crying and hugged him.

(During the extension of this story I already cried twice. And I'm not a person that cries a lot unless I'm reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower")

At night, both my brothers have the costume to come into my room and kiss me good night. On that night, when A and G entered my room, A closed the door behind him and told me with a serious face pointing to the closet:

- Inside now Fátima!! – and I went while all the three of us laughed our asses off.

I haven't yet come out to my parents and I don't plan to. First I have to put me through college. And then I have to find a job so that I can provide for myself. Then I will tell them. That way I will not be one more teenager in the streets. I will not let them do that to me.

I'm fine with who I am now. I take PRIDE in who I am now.

During one of her interviews, Jamie Clayton, who portrays Nomi, said this "choose a family that will support you". Families are more than blood. The LGBTQ community is a family. Your friends are a family. If your blood relatives don't support you, that's their problem, not yours. Your only problem is trying to be happy and if they don't contribute to that, get rid of them. You are my family. Every single one of you. I may never know you, never speak to you, never kiss you or hug you but I love you. I love you just for being who you are. Like sense8 says: "I'm not just me, I'm also a we".

BE PROUD

P.S. You can watch the entire interview here.

It helped me a lot when I was trying to accept myself, hope it helps you too