By

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Ever since I was a kid, I was a boy at heart. I played with trucks, Stormtroopers, and other toys my older brother shared with me. My first word? Dinosaur. Yeah, haha, laugh all you want. That was my life until about age 6.

I went to kindergarten, and saw all the girls were different. Their everyday outfits consisted of dresses and tights kept in perfect condition. Walking in with my denim overalls and a t-shirt, I stuck out like a sore thumb. While they spoke of Fashion designer or holiday Barbie, I spoke of brachiosaurus and pterodactyls. Girls started to distance themselves from me, so I made a change. I began playing with my older sister's Barbies and Bratz dolls. I searched through my dresser drawers to find my dresses, skirts, and stockings.

Girls noticed the changes and would now try to connect with me, but I didn't like it much. I tried to cut off all boyish things from my life, until I was in fourth grade. A new series of books were released in a local book store, called "Dragonology." My brother took an interest, as did I. They spoke of marsupial dragons, European dragons, Asian dragons, flightless dragons, and other mythical beings in general. Unlike last time, some girls took interest in mine, but I still was lying to myself. I began finding other girls pretty, while I had crushes on boys. In all television shows and books I read, boys found girls pretty, and girls found boys attractive. My lack of education made me realize that I couldn't have a crush on a girl, so I tried to focus more on boys.

In Seventh Grade, shortly after my twelfth birthday, I told girls in my class that I was bisexual. They in turn told my younger sister, who in turn told my mother. I told my mother in tears the week of Christmas vacation, who angrily told me that my younger sister had done the job.

I was angry at my so-called-friends for telling my sister, angry at my sister for telling my mother, angry at my mother for saying I was "confused", and last, and certainly not least mad at myself.

When I was in tenth grade, I began having "guy friends." Once you enter high school, boys are less concerned with cooties, and are more interested in spending time with the opposite sex. As months passed, I had a few "female friends", and a lot of "guy friends". One of those "guy friends" was a transman, named Michael. I asked him about how he felt and how he discovered his true gender, and after listening to his tale, I knew I needed to research more about gender dysphoria.

After months of research, I realized that I was suffering from a case of gender dysphoria myself. But, I wasn't transgendered. I wanted to remain a female. I was more in touch with my masculine side, but I wanted to be in a female body. That's when I became androgynous. I cut my hair short, wore oversized clothes to hide my breasts, and began experimenting with male walking and sitting positions.

The summer between sophomore and junior year, I became really comfortable with my androgyny. However, when people asked about my gender with questions such as, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I didn't have a clear answer. I had a boyfriend, and he called me his girlfriend. I had female genitals. But it didn't seem quite right. That when everyday tasks just seemed overwhelming. I would try to focus on my tasks while thoughts of my gender identity bounced around my head. I would get frustrated and tired doing regular things. My mom didn't understand what was going on with me, and I didn't either.

I would feel like a girl, then a boy, neither, then a dynamic mix of both. I felt bizarre, like an alien that shouldn't have the luxury to live on earth. "Why me?" I'd think. "Nobody else is suffering with 4 different gender identities." I was wrong.

I discovered a gender identity called "gender fluid." If you google gender fluid, this will show up:

Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. Their gender can also vary at random or vary in response to different circumstances.

That is what I now identify as. Yes, it's normal. No, I'm not a freak. I am a pansexual gender fluid, and I am comfortable with that.