By

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So since I came across this book, I've considered posting a story. This took a ton of courage... Since August of 2015, I've tried to figure out what I am and who I am. It also happens that I've suffered some form of depression since August. I certainly knew I wasn't completely straight.

Since I was in first grade, I didn't really hang out with girls. I would sort my time between a group of girls, and a group of boys... then in second and third grade, I spent time with only boys. I faked having a crush for all of my friends, so they thought I was normal (which, being normal is difficult because I was always second in the ranking of my class)(and I was always far more mature than everyone else). In fourth and fifth grade, I moved to a group of girls because the popular girls began to get suspicious of me. But in sixth and seventh grade I stopped caring and started hanging with the guys again (and now I have one of my best friends from the group... I'll call him Otto here in case I have to reference him).

In eighth grade, this past year, I had two groups of friends, the nerdy guys and the nerdy girls. I spent most of my time with the nerdy girls.

In marching band that year (with one of my best friends that I will mention later, I'll call her Keeks), I had someone who waltzed into my life and kinda messed everything up... She would make me feel loved and wanted, then she'd like 'verbally abuse' me kinda. But soon, my older sister took care of that. Then I was alone, and had to figure it all out myself.

I did research and looked at all of it... and apparently it is supposed to be normal to want to kiss people and do-the-do or whatever. But I never wanted any of that. I never even had a real crush. So after I researched all of it, I found that I was asexual. At first, I had suspicion. I wanted to be normal, and I wanted to one day have someone love me and whatever... so I looked into my romantic scale. I am still not so certain of that, but as far as I know I am Panromantic.

After finding this, I decided to try to tell my younger sister... she in turn called me stupid and said I was straight (that was months ago) and that I was a girl. I decided to hide away and wait.

Then on a car ride with my brother, I told him. And he said that high school and all of this time is a time for experimenting. Try things out and see what works and what doesn't. His answer made me feel better, but I didn't quite want to tell anyone else.

Recently, I referenced one of these milestone stories and told Keeks. She responded kindly and said that she doesn't care what I am as long as I am happy. I was way to happy and thanked her probably 7 times.

The problem now is, I don't know about gender. I haven't researched it... and honestly, you wouldn't know how many times I forget that I'm actually female. I even once made a joke to Otto and the other guys that I was waiting for my male genitalia. But, I'm choosing to push all of that off as long as I can...

But I have found boys cute, and I've found girls cute, I won't deny that. People frequently call me a lesbian, and people frequently call me a boy. I don't mind. I'm so glad that I had Keeks there for me, and I hope she'll be there through my milestones to come.

The next milestone: telling my older sister.