By

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I didn't know what being gay was until I was about 8. My parents are friends with two gay men who are married and living together in a big house outside of San Francisco. One time we went to stay with them there.

When we went to stay with them, I had not seen them since I was about three years old. (Back then I thought they were just friends or brothers or something.)

When we were driving to their house my mom asked me "Do you know what gay means?" And I said no. And she told me that they (let's call them Steven and Mitchell) were gay. And she explained what it was (in the most innocent way possible).

When we got there I asked Steven if he and Mitchell showered together since they were married. My mom turned red and told me to go outside and look at the pool with Mitchell.

On the way home I asked my mom if girls could be gay, too. She said yes. And I just imagined two old ladies on the couch together and something about that just made me feel warm.

Now fast forward about two years. I had my first REAL crush. And it was on a girl. I was only in fifth grade. Let's call this girl Sophie. At the beginning of the year I had been sitting in the front of the classroom next to my best friend. I had to be moved to the back next to Sophie because another girl needed to be closer to the front of the classroom so she could see the board.

Until this time I had forgotten about "gay". I didn't know what bisexual or anything else was. So when I got this feeling for this girl that I had never felt before, I thought I was gay.

I looked up stuff about being gay on the Internet. One of the first things I found out was that it is widely viewed as a bad thing. Next, I found a whole bunch of other terms like "bisexual," "lesbian," "asexual," and "trans".

I had heard of people being transgender before but I did not know much about it.

I decided to put all the LGBT stuff on hold for awhile. It wasn't until the next year in sixth grade that I began to have feelings for another girl. It was the same girl that I gave up my seat for in fifth grade. It is kind of ironic that it was her that lead me to have feelings for Sophie.

Let's call this girl Sasha. I don't know if I actually had feelings for her or if it was sort of just a friend crush. In the middle of our sixth grade year, a boy came along. Let's call him Patrick.

I started to like him and it developed into something much greater than either of the previous two crushes. I found out that three of my other friends, (eventually including Sasha) also liked Patrick. I went all through seventh grade while having this huge crush and not being able to talk to him. Towards the beginning of seventh grade, Sasha told him that I liked him. That is why I could never talk to him. One reason, at least.

I had a falling out with Sasha and Patrick which is not important to the story. The point is that it left me scarred. At the beginning of eighth grade I found out that Sasha "liked" me back after I told her that I used to have feelings for her. We were texting late at night one night and I can still remember that feeling I got knowing that someone liked me.

I forgot to mention that over the summer between seventh and eighth grades, I became depressed because I thought I was bisexual. My parents found out and we got in a huge fight about me being too young to know. My mom pushed me onto the ground and I had a blackout so I don't remember much.

Back to eighth grade. I found out that Sasha actually didn't like me and so I became depressed again for a few months.

I found out for sure that one of my friends was gay and gender fluid. She has a girl name but we modified it so it can also be a unisex name.

I now identify and pansexual and agender. With the help of some friends I discovered myself. I am now about to go into high school with Sasha, Sophie, Patrick, and one other guy. It is an early college high school. We are the only ones from our graduating eighth grade class who are going to this school. It is a school that is a least 50% LGBT students so I think I will do good there. It is a great school.

I am torn between Patrick and Sophie right now. Patrick has a new girlfriend and at our eighth grade graduation dance I saw them dancing together. As I watched them I got this warm feeling inside but at the same time I felt really sad...

I think all of these were milestones because my friends helped me figure out who I am and I am grateful for them. Thank you for reading this if you are reading it right now. Goodbye.