By

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I'm not sure what I am. I have all the time in the world to explore that, so I'm not too worried. It would be nice just to know though. To be certain. But I do know who I am, so my sexuality doesn't matter that much. However, that's just how I feel personally. Labels make it easier for people to grasp. So for the time being, I would say I am bisexual. Maybe. Oh well.

When I was younger, I got on with guys. I found them so easy to talk to. They loved football. I loved football. That's how easy it was. I just found talking to them easier than girls. They seemed more chill, simple. The only arguments we had was whether or not the ball was out of play or not. Mind you this was at the age of 9-12. I found girls annoying, because they talked about stuff I found boring. Clothes. Shopping. How boys looked cute. Who they crushed on. So I found speaking to guys and playing football with them just comfortable.

Then I went on to secondary school, everything changed. I thought it was time to grow up. I put that pressure onto myself to change. Girls were more out spoken about how they liked a certain boy. They talked about how nervous they would get around them. It didn't click then, but that's how I found myself around girls, rather than boys.

Considering it hadn't clicked, I just found myself pretending to take interest in boys. I remember being pestered about it for what seemed ages. I didn't like anyone, (that I knew of,) but I just said a name to get them off of my back. I would get really broody for ages when ever the topic came up. My mood swings were horrible when I was younger, lol.

With all the pretending, I didn't speak to boys all that much. I kind of grew to resent them because I didn't 'like like' any of them. None of them were 'worth my time.' God I was so naive. I never knew why I was so anxious around my friends all of the time. (girls) Of course growing up I found common ground. I'm a reserved person anyways, generally shy. I just blamed it on that. I never thought about how I would act differently around different genders. I didn't really see the transition from out-going with guys, to reserved with girls. Maybe that's just a natural change in my personality. Who knows.

Lets just say, my school is very religious. The school used to be a convent, the bedrooms where the nuns slept is right above a church, still there. It used to be a boarding school. Anyways, I live in the country side. The people are all local, basically all living in the only town in a fifty mile radius. Topics like LGBTQ+ were taboo, (not so much now.) I didn't even think such things existed.

So when I was fifteen, a woman came in to talk to us about an organisation called 'Swag' Secretly we are Gay. That's when the concept came up. That's when the ball started rolling.

I didn't think much of it, I was just more aware.

Then I found Wattpad. My friend who was just as into books as I am, showed me. Of course I had two different accounts, one that I could show her what I was reading and another for myself. I can't remember exactly how I found them, but all I seemed to read was GXG books. I read them for a year, I thought nothing of it. I didn't question why. I didn't let myself. That is until I began writing myself. Guess what relationships I began writing about?

Basically Yurikohime/Lbrooks23 made me evaluate myself. Then it all clicked. I thought I never had crushes before, but holy crap I did. I so did. For one girl, two years ago I thought I was actually in love with her. She moved away last year, looking back on it I wasn't in love with her. But it was such an infatuation, that I couldn't deny the attraction.

I knew when I was sixteen, I accepted it, I kept it a secret for a year. This repression basically led me to isolate myself. It was something I thought constantly of. I became depressed- something else I didn't realise for a long time. A full year or so. Then I came out to my friends, totally unplanned and explained in such a incoherent mess that I didn't know what I was. A couple of months later, after the burden of the secret was lifted somewhat, it was like my whole personality changed.

I stayed back from school one day. I told my parents. They were awesome. I blurted out in the same breath about the depression and being gay. They were pretty upset about the depression. My sexuality wasn't even talked about long.

Anyways, even writing this made me realise some things. I have a habit of not allowing myself to think about my problems. I'm so not bisexual. This reflection kind of made me realise I'm hella gay.

So so so gay.

Also I don't resent guys anymore. (Hi people who identify as male. Sorry I disliked you for like three years of my life.) I was just a very angry fifteen year old.