By

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i have a big family. 4 boys, 4 girls. everyone in my family (excluding my little brother and my mum) is homophobic. which means that my stepdad, stepbrothers and stepsister constantly shout homophobic and racial slurs-without realising.

ive known for a long time that im not like the majority of people. the straight cis people who are very fitting towards their social stereotypes.

about a year ago, i realised that i was having feelings towards women as well as men. i tried to cast all of the homophobia that id been brought up with out of my head, and focus on what my gut instinct was.

at first i thought i was bi, or lesbian, because i have stronger preferences towards women. but i researched all of the sexualities and what they meant.

pansexual.

as soon as i read the definition, all of the puzzle pieces were coming into my head.

my best friend (lets call her alexis) and i came out at the same time. i remember that alexis asked me if i was gay. i said no. she asked if i was bi. i said no again. she asked if i was pan. I nervously said no. alexis then said that she was actually pan(!) and i felt comfortable enough to tell her. and only her.

something was still missing. and it wasnt to do with my sexuality.

im not cis. and im not trans.

so all i thought was, 'what am i?'

through research and questions, i found about the different genders. one in particular caught my eye. genderfluid.

i told alexis that i was thinking that i might be genderfluid, and she just said, 'okay. thats fine.'

she asked me what pronouns i wanted, and im still not sure. all i know is that im pansexual and genderfluid and quite content for now.

i want to come out. more than anything. i was going to come put on pride day, but alexis convinced me that if i was asking if i should come out, I obviously wasnt ready. and now I appreciate that.

ill come out soon. i have lots of plans involving my sexuality and gender. cut my hair short. wear a suit to prom. kiss a boy and girl.

but for now, im happy. and thats the way i like it.