By

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The first time I came out was at a sleepover with two of my very close friends. I was laying on the ground and we were discussing crushes, as any 6th graders do. I just straight out stated, "I'm pan," and we continued on with our conversation.

Later that day we were discussing gender on the playground. One of them turned to me and asked, "What is your gender identity?" I replied with, "I-I don't know," and they later helped me figure it out.

I was still in the closet to everyone (except for those two) for a couple months. The build up of pressure from keeping this a secret from my parents was overwhelmingly stressful and I knew I had to tell my mom. I locked myself in my room and wrote her a letter, because I was too scared to tell her by speaking.

A week later I handed my mom the letter. After she read it, she looked at me and basically told me, "Your pansexuality is a phase, you are not bigender, you are a tomboy, and I am disappointed if all of this is not a phase." I didn't speak up for myself but all that I could think was, "yes, because dysphoria is 'tomboyish'".

I cried myself to sleep that night, laying on a pillow dampened by my own tears. I find it funny that you hear all of these coming out stories where people say, "it felt like a weight was lifted," when mine felt like it had gotten ten times heavier.

For about another two months I didn't come out to anyone, but then I started to. My friends know about me now and it really does feel freeing. As for my dad, he still doesn't know. He is extremely transphobic and homophobic so I'm sure it wouldn't turn out well. As for me, I'm the most comfortable I have ever been with myself, and I don't worry about the future as much anymore.

(For anyone going through the same thing as I am, feel free to PM me.)