I have to get out of here. And very quickly. My mind is reluctant to pass the signals on to my brain, which is currently in economy mode. So I'm still rooted to the spot on the dance floor and stare into a pair of sparkling eyes that are slowly getting closer and closer. I wonder why is he here? Were his words a lie again? Is this all a bad joke? I cannot and will not believe that. Alec is not like that.

I watch him move through the crowd of dancing people, dodging one elbow and the gentle smile on his face growing wider and wider. Why is he smiling? Isn't he mad anymore? Briefly there is hope that he regrets his departure. But immediately his words echo through my head like knife wounds. 'But what connects us is not healthy Magnus. We are spinning in a circle.' There is no escape. 'Again and again.' The bright light from the strobe flits across his face and makes his black hair shine. My heart is racing now and I still can't move. Alec comes right up to me. I prepare for an outbreak of emotion. Whether his or mine, I don't know at the moment.

"Magnus", screams an all too familiar voice in my ear. I flinch slightly. Fuck I totally forgot that. A hand on my shoulder signals that it's time to move. But I can only stare at the man who walks past me without looking at me. His hand does not touch mine, there is no tingling sensation. The man's features aren't even close to Alec's. The only thing that unites both is their height and the black of their hair. I blink a few times to make sure it's not Alec, who is in another man's embrace a few paces away. My mind is playing with me.

The feeling is strange, harrowing. Just as I can't suffer from gaps in my memory and loss of control over my body, conjuring up non-existent images is my horror vision. To experience this now, after the argument with Alec and my confused feelings, is extremely disturbing. Alec is always there. Still, I breathe a sigh of relief and slide an excited hand out of my field of vision. "What do you want?", I bark and look into the horrified face of my friend.

"I was looking for you. We wanted to meet before the pandemonium. Not inside", Andrew yells at me. The music is loud and the bass is booming in your ears. The men around us just keep moving, ignoring our presence on the dance floor.

"Yes, yes. I didn't feel like waiting", I wave off his indirect lecture.

"How much did you drink Magnus?", Andrew asks skeptically. Raphael appears behind him and looks anything but enthusiastic. You know me. Even without my alcoholic voice, they know that I've already taken more than one shot.

"There you are." Raphael yells at me and I just roll my eyes. Why did I want to come here with you again? "I'm thirsty. Let's go to the bar to see Brad Pitt and get drunk." I don't wait for an answer and head straight for the counter. I don't know if they're following me, that's not my top priority right now.

It's still full, the men in the pandemonium are celebrating exuberantly and boozy. One or the other guy is not going to go home alone tonight. Or the club's toilet. Again I push my way past sweaty bodies. The intrusive after shave of an older guest tickles my nose and I sneeze cautiously into the crook of my arm. I am not a fan of intrusive smells. A man who smells like a spilled perfume bottle, of heavy, spicy aromas, does not end up on my top ten list. I have rejected the advances of various men several times, because with the first cloud of their scent my excitement sank to the freezing point. It is completely different with Alec. Its scent of sea and salt is subtle and precisely dosed to stimulate the senses and make my heart beat faster. I love its scent and since our night at his sister's wedding, I have made sure that there is always enough of this wonderfully scented shower gel in the house.

The longing for Alec and his strong arms that hold me hits me unexpectedly hard. I sway and shortly afterwards my eyes go black. The counter in front of me is my salvation and I claw myself into the rough wood. I breathe in and out deeply several times. A warm hand rests on mine and I instinctively interlace our fingers. The thumb caresses my skin and I sigh comfortably. Alec always knows how to calm me down and rarely have I let anyone see this vulnerable side of me.

"What do you need?", an unfamiliar voice asks me and I open my eyes in shock. That can not be true? It's not Alec's hand that calms me down. It's the handsome bartender's hand. He smiles softly at me and I swallow dryly as my gaze focuses on his full lips. And again it was Alec that my mind projected.

"Three shots would be good", I answer his question and he looks at me with raised eyebrows. This gesture doesn't suit him at all. My husband, on the other hand, has perfected it. And it drives me crazy every time. "Three?", he asks skeptically and I point behind me and hope that Andrew and Raphael are there. Not that he still thinks I'm crazy or even drunk. Because I'm definitely not both. Although I strongly assume that the latter will change soon. I am already incredibly hot and my pronunciation is no longer as clear as when entering the pandemonium.

"All right. I'll be off work in thirty minutes. See you?", he asks me hopefully and unceremoniously I nod. "Absolutely. You can find me in the lounge", I answer and release his hand from mine. A little later a tray with six shot glasses and three margaritas is in front of me. I accept this pleasant surprise with thanks and wink at my new acquaintance. That's going great. Alcohol to numb and a guy to distract you. When I turn around, Raphael and Andrew are standing in front of me with their arms crossed over their chests. Both give me angry looks and I can just prevent my eyes from rolling again. In their tight black clothes they look like the annoyed bouncers in front of the club.

"I've got us something to drink. Let's find a quieter corner", I say and head for the lounge in the back of the club. I skillfully maneuver the tray with the holy drinks through the crowd and could immediately jump in circles cheering with happiness and joy. A niche protected from prying eyes with a large, comfortable black leather couch, subdued lighting and a small glass table in the middle has just become free. Plus a tray full of delicious, sensory drinks. What could be nicer? I quickly take a seat on the large, comfortable couch and put a glass of margarita in front of each of us.

Andrew and Raphael look at each other skeptically and I get the feeling that the evening will turn out differently here than I would like. Despite their skepticism, curiosity prevails and they both take a seat next to me. Andrew cuddles up to Raphael and Raphael pulls him protectively into his arms. I think I was bothering them on something important when I called Andrew.

"What happened Magnus? And where is Alec?", asks Raphael and Andrew sips a bit strained from his drink.

"Not here", I say and take the first shot in one go. The alcohol burns like fire in my throat and I decide to fight fire with fire. So I grab another glass and growl in frustration. Raphael's hand is tight around my wrist. I look angrily into his brown eyes. He doesn't even flinch, but loosens his grip. Again the vodka runs down my throat scorching hot and I shake myself briefly to get rid of the creeps.

"Alec called my father", I squeeze out and hear Andrew draw in a sharp breath.

"Asmodeus?", he asks and I roll my eyes in annoyance.

"At least not Ragnor", I answer beastly.

"Magnus." Raphael is angry. I can hear it in his voice. "Don't do that. We're always there for you. No matter how shitty everything is. But don't talk to us like that. We have known each other too long and too well for that." He is angry. Rightly. It's not their fault that my life is about to go downhill and that I feel like I've lost control of everything. And that feeling just sucks and I don't want that.

"He knew that I didn't want any contact with my father. Because I don't care about this asshole. And yet he did. Alec betrayed my trust. Asmodeus was surprisingly in my living room tonight. Alec found a letter..."

"Where?", Raphael interrupts me.

"Do you want to hear it now or not?", I ask annoyed and also a bit too loud. Raphael is silent and just nods his head slightly. He's still mad. His jaw muscles work hard. I can literally hear the grinding of those perfect white teeth. He looks at me out of dark eyes and I prepare myself for an early outbreak of his emotions.

"Alec fixed the desk drawer. And found a letter. Asmodeus wrote it to my mum shortly after he disappeared. Apparently he also left a phone number. And Alec had nothing better to do than call him promptly. What was he thinking? I don't understand. And then he tells me so casually that he remembers everything", I finish my story. Anger and disappointment can be clearly heard with every word. I look at the glass table top. My eyes focus on the red residue of a sugary cocktail. The circular print is the same color as the shirt Alec wore at my editor's barbecue.

I sigh and just want to get up to dispel the flashing thoughts and longings for Alec. But my two best friends disagree and this conversation is far from over for them. The question marks over their heads keep getting bigger. My two best friends don't make it that easy for me.

"What does he remember?", asks Raphael and I can tell from the look on his face that he can guess what's coming next. Knowledge is paired with anger and disappointment. We have known each other for so long. Raphael was always there for me. And he always gave me his unreserved trust. I can see it clearly in his face, which I have known for twenty-eight years.

"Vegas", say Andrew and I almost at the same time. He smiles lovingly at me and a spark of remorse stirs. It's not fair to approach them like that.

"Alec remembers what happened. How we met, the blowjob and my proposal. Of course, the wedding too, and most likely also our sex that night. Only I don't remember. And he didn't say a word I asked him so often if he remembered something. No matter how small it was. But he looked me in the eye and lied to me coldly."

Silence, only the music in the club can be heard and I empty another shot. Nobody mentions that this was actually intended for Andrew or Raphael. It's better this way.

"I thought I'd hit when I saw Asmodeus standing there. Alec and I had just got up. We had sex after we talked and I assured him that I trust him and that I want a future. With him. Alec ..." The next shot ends up in my stomach. The burning fire is just a flickering flame. A cozy warmth spreads and a protective blanket covers my mind like cotton wool. I laugh and don't really know why.

"Stupid. I was stupid. So stupid and Alec has disappointed me deeply. Probably everything else was also a lie. All his loving words and caring gestures of the last few months."

"Magnus. What else happened between you guys? Is that the reason Alec isn't here? Why are you getting drunk senselessly?", Andrew asks gently. Raphael looks at me urgently. He also asks himself these questions.

"Alec left me. He lied to me and I yelled at him. I just want to forget about it ... Just for one night.", I say softly. I bury my face in my hands and suppress the rising tears. It hurts so bad. Not just the disappointment, but also the longing for Alec. But I can't just forget that. The whole thing is too present and if I don't protect my heart now, I'll break it. My heart is going to break and I am not sure if I am strong enough to get through this. Probably not. I have no need to find out either.

"Here are you", suddenly the voice of the young bartender can be heard. Fuck him I had completely forgotten. I quickly press my knuckles over my eyes and push the tears back to their original place. As I turn my head in his direction, I hear Raphael and Andrew talking softly to each other. I ignore the fact that their conversation is about me and Alec. Their voices are low, just whispered words and I know they are talking about what they have just heard.

"Yes. Hi. I'm here. I told you. Have a seat", I answer with a fake smile and hand him one of the remaining shot glasses.

"What's your name?", he asks straightforward and for a moment I consider lying. But I decide against it. My two best friends would ruthlessly betray me. I would like to spare myself this disgrace.

"Magnus. My name is Magnus", I answer and push my glass against his.

"Max." he introduces himself. The name doesn't suit him. But it does not matter. Names are bogus and no longer important the next morning. With slightly trembling fingers I bring the glass to my lips and immediately taste the aroma of the vodka. The cold is gone. The alcohol has already returned to room temperature and can therefore spread rapidly. It won't be long before the intoxicating effect sets in and brings me safely to the goal of oblivion. Max's lips shine from the vodka and lasciviously he picks up the remains with the tip of his tongue. His look into my eyes is deep and I remember a time when I didn't care what optical characteristics my sex partner had. It was a long time ago and was not one of the highlights of my life. Sighing, I try to dispel the images in my head. Not now. Not here.

The alleged Max leans forward and his lips touch my ear with a touch of the air. I feel his warm breath and hear Raphael calling me. I hide everything around me and just focus on Max's voice.

"Let's get out of here." His hand rests on my thigh and slowly moves higher. My fingertips touch the inside of my thighs and I moan softly. The alcohol in my veins does a great job. My inhibition threshold is sinking more and more and I don't care that Raphael and Andrew watch me as the handsome bartender ensnares me.

"To you or to me?", I ask the most clichéd question there is at a one-night stand. Did I ask Alec too?

"To you. My apartment is taboo", he replies and I wonder if he has a partner. And if so, does he know about it? Does he know that his significant other speaks to strangers at his workplace and then disappears on a quick adventure with them? I do not think so. This is not something you simply tell your partner at the breakfast table. Actually, I should feel bad about it. His hand is still on my leg and his lips are now on my neck. He explores my skin sucking. No cozy shiver runs through my body, no tingling in the fingertips or the urge to bury my hands deep in his blond hair.

"Hm, you taste good. Does your sperm taste just as good when you come in my mouth?", he whispers. My excitement is slowly increasing. Quite different from Alec, where a snap of my finger is enough and I lie whimpering under him and my mind is on the plane to Hawaii.

"Let's find out", I answer.

"But let's talk first. Tell me something about yourself." He looks at me questioningly. He won't hear that often and I'm not the type of man who first has a questionnaire filled out and then has unrestrained sex.

"What do you want to know?", he asks with a laugh. "I have no idea what to tell you. We want to fuck. We don't have to talk too much about that", he says. Raphael clears his throat loudly. Max is still not deterred by it. Instead, he continues to explore my body.

"Let's go at last. Your nervous friend is destroying the mood", he says and even without turning around I know he's talking about Andrew. I can practically see him sliding around nervously on the black upholstery of the couch and Raphael making every effort to keep his husband from pouncing on Max. Max rushes greedily on my neck and his fingers slide under my shirt. They slide briskly over my heated skin and find their way over my stomach up to the nipples. And while his lips and teasing fingertips don't create the same sensation as Alec's caresses, they're a welcome distraction.

"I've seen enough. Take your greasy fingers off of him", Andrew yells and when I open my eyes I see him grab the bartender by the collar of his shirt and pull him away from me.

"Andrew. What are you doing there?", I ask indignantly.

"I?", he screams.

"You ask me what I'm doing here? I should probably ask you that ..."

"Honey, calm down", I hear Raphael say. He strokes his arm soothingly. Andrew stands in front of me with his fists clenched and his head reddened. His usually bright blue eyes glare at me angrily.

"What do you want Andrew? I'm having a little fun. What's the bad thing about that?"

"What's so bad about it? You're married", he replies indignantly. Max looks at me confused and Raphael is at least as angry with me as Andrew. What is your problem? Alec and I are apparently no longer together. Then it doesn't matter who I'm having fun with.

"A marriage in Vegas. That I don't remember because I was drunk. Who knows, maybe Alec lied to me there too and we're not married at all", I say and Andrew gasps for breath in disbelief.

"Are you crazy? Alec would never do that. He loves you. Keep your eyes on Magnus. This man is the best thing that can happen to you", he screams excitedly at me.

"Yes, it wasn't right what he did. Especially with your past. But he certainly didn't do it to show you off. Alec wanted to help you to come to terms with your past. That's how I see it."

"If I'm so important to him, why didn't he talk to me?", I smash at my best friend. Andrew is madly angry with me and his eyes are already glistening treacherously. He is a very emotional person and built close to the water. I didn't expect this story to move him so much. "And you ...", angrily he digs his index finger into Max's chest and I jump up quickly. The whole situation threatens to escalate and Raphael gets ready to stop Andrew from doing worse.

"Do you think it's great fucking a married man?" Max laughs at Andrew's words.

"I didn't even know he was married. But it doesn't matter. If he lets a stranger fuck him, his husband can't be that good."

"I see it differently", answers Andrew. Both know that Alec and I have had a lot, and most importantly, very good sex over the past few months. His attention turns back to me.

"Magnus, you are our friend. And I understand your pain. Rapha as well. And we are sorry that that happened. But you can no longer see the forest for the trees. You can no longer think clearly and give Alec for everything the guilt. But that always takes two."

"Are you coming now? Or would you rather argue with the handsome boy?", asks Max.

"Be careful what you say." Raphael is at the end of his patience. He pushes Andrew protectively behind him and glares at Max angrily.

"It would be best if you forgot. We have something to clarify here", says Raphael and Max snorts.

"That's too stupid for me. Your husband must be a pretty pushover if he allows you to be fucked by strange men in clubs. Or does he not get any more up?", he asks with a laugh, holding his stomach. Apparently he thinks it's very funny. Not me. Alec is an excellent lover and I have never been as sexually satisfied as I am with him.

"Snout", thunders Raphael. Andrew and I winced, startled. Only Max doesn't move and looks at me waiting.