There are moments in my life when I get so scared about simple things that I feel my heart jump in my throat and my body freeze. I literally feel my head spin. It's the worst feeling because it feels like I'm having an 'out of body' experience. It's like I'm not myself anymore, like I basically left my body and I just can't do anything.

One of the things is a question like this.

What happened to you? What are you hiding?

That's something I'm incapable of answering. It was always easier when people just assumed things and I didn't have to explain anything because no matter what I said, they wouldn't change their opinion anyways.

But now ... I'm creating a new life for me here. And I decide what people will know about me and how much. They'll have to listen to my story and what I have to say because they don't know anything about me.

I kind of like that. They not knowing about me. It feels so good to just walk around and not stare at the judging eyes, seeing fingers pointing at you and hearing whispers.

This is what I dreamed of.

I'm not ready to tell someone about it. And Alexander is the last person who I'd tell anything about my past. He's not someone I can trust.

''What makes you think you're the one I'll tell anything?'' I challenge Alexander with fake confidence.

Honestly, him reminding me of the secrets I have threw me off guard. I don't know when or if there will ever be a time that I don't panic at this question. I wonder if I'll someday be able to tell my story, speak loud about it and have people actually listen to me.

I wonder if I'll ever not get judged.

Alexander shrugs. ''I don't. But if you wanna talk about secrets, we can start with you.'' He points his hand towards me. ''I can wait.''

The bile in my throat rises higher. I have to look away from him and take some deep breaths of fresh air to somehow clear my mind. I look at all the lights on the street, focus on the barking of dogs and the sound of cars driving somewhere in distance.

''You'll be waiting for a long time, then,'' I say calmly, my voice vain of any emotions, the only thing giving me away that I'm not as relaxed as I look is the tight squeezing of my hands into fists.

Alexander merely cocks his head to the side, looking interested all of a sudden. He takes out a packet of cigarettes and lights one up, taking his time.

I sit back down on the roof and exhale out a warm breath into the cold night air.

I think Alexander will leave because he's probably fed up with me by now and doesn't want to deal with me anymore. But he sits down by me. I look at him sideways.

''How can you expect us to trust you if you don't trust us, Little one?'' Alexander questions. His voice is calm now and ... soft.

I turn my head to look at him. Is he actually ... being nice? Well, his question isn't something I could answer easily.

''Alexander, I ...'' I have to look away from him because he's staring at me so intensely that it makes me nervous. ''I haven't trusted another human being in years.'' I don't know why I admit him that. I don't even know why I feel like I could tell him this and trust him with this.

I mean, minutes ago we were just shouting at each other, hating each other to pieces. But now it feels like we're just two humans, trying to communicate and trying to have a normal conversation. It's different. In a nice way. And it also feels weird.

Alexander looks forward and exhales out the smoke from the cigarette. ''I guess we're a lot more similar then than I first thought,'' he says quietly. He seems to be thinking about something, staring out at the distance.

I pull my knees to myself and hug them with my arms, resting my head on them and stare forward, too, not really seeing anything in front of me. His words surprised me. He has a habit of surprising me. Sometimes, he says things I would never expect him to say.

I wonder if this is his gentle side. I also wonder how many people he shows this side to. I've seen him around people a lot to know that he's playing a badass and that cool guy.

But right here ... he looks as lonely as I feel.

''People can surprise you sometimes,'' I say with a small smile.

Alexander scoffs, smashes the cigarette he smoked and immediately lights another one. I also wonder if there's something that's bothering him tonight.

''Don't you say,'' Alexander says. What surprises me again is that he doesn't sound like he's mocking me.

Honestly, what's happening? This is all so weird. But I'm not going to question it. It might never happen again. Since he's known for being nice one day and the next one he's a bastard again.

I lay down on the rooftop and place my hands on my stomach. I stare up at the night sky. ''I'll probably regret what I'm going to tell you, but ... I had no one and nothing in France. That wasn't my home. And everyone just ... hated me. Literally everyone, I'm not even exaggerating. I lost my parents when I was a child and got adopted by two people who love alcohol more than any other thing.'' I smile sadly up at the sky.

Mummy, daddy, if you're seeing me and hearing me right now ... I miss you so much. I wish you could be here with me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I close my eyes when the tears pool in my eyes. ''But life went on. I accepted it, accepting that's just my fate. And then in school, I lost all my friends, too. And everyone turned against me. Everyone hated me, judged me, pointed fingers at me. I had to throw my phone away because I got hate messages daily. I burned my computer when I got offensive e-mails and hate messages on Facebook. They even spray-painted my house with names they called me!'' My voice starts to shake so I take a few breaths and try to calm myself down.

It feels so good to let this out for once. It feels so liberating. ''It was the worst time in life.''

Alexander doesn't say anything back for long minutes. I don't know if he even listened to me.

''Why? Why were they bullying you?'' he speaks so quietly I almost don't hear him.

I wipe the tear from my face that escaped. ''It's not that important,'' I whisper. I'm lying. It is important, to me at least. I had a hard time, accepting the reality I found myself in, but I did accept it in time and I got used to it.

It's actually weird now when everything is different. I guess Alexander is the only one who makes me remember of my past and is making sure that not really everything is different.

Alexander stands up suddenly. He thrusts his hands in his hair and announces, ''I gotta go.'' He doesn't say anything else, just stands there, unsure for a few seconds, and then goes back to his room through his room.

Just like that. Without saying anything else. I literally laid my soul before him and he just ...

Oh, God.

Why was I even that stupid to open my mouth? Did I seriously expect he could understand? And that we could have a heart-to-heart moment, at least once?

Yes. I did. I did expect that.

And, honestly, that was my mistake, not his. I know I shouldn't expect his compassion and any kindness, but yet here I am, still hoping that I can get it from him somehow.

I groan to myself.

Could I be any more stupid?

•••

''Are we all ready?'' Rosalyn calls, carrying the bags.

''Let me take that from you, Rosalyn,'' I offer, extending my arms, trying to take the bags from her.

''Oh, no, Gabby, I can carry this,'' she says back and stubborn as she is, carries them outside.

Thankfully, Alfred stops her before she even comes halfway. ''Give me that, honey.'' He takes the bags from her hands, literally ripping them since she doesn't release them right away. Alfred gives her a kiss on the cheek before he carries the bags into the car without any effort.

We're all going out to a dinner today. I don't know what is the special occasion, but we were all invited, even Rosanna, but she said she couldn't come.

Rosanna informed me there's a high chance we're going somewhere fancy, so I have to dress appropriately. And since I didn't have anything 'fancy' to wear, I had to call Sam. And, dear God, I was even afraid to ask her for any of her clothes.

I just ordered her to get me something nice and formal. In my way of nice, not hers. I told her I'm going to dinner with Holt's, but I couldn't tell her the place since I didn't even know where we were going.

And, yes, Alexander was going, too. Which meant this night will be a torture for the both of us. Because ever since the last night when I revealed him a bit too much, he's been ignoring me. He avoided any eye contact with me, didn't even want to come near me. He's also been distant.

So much for getting friendly.

I thought at first that I'm going to be too dressed-up for the occasion. And Sam got me a real nice, elegant and simple grey dress – God bless her. Even though it was really tight, it was not too revealing and it even had long sleeves.

But now I see even Alexander dressed up.

And, Jesus, he did it well.

Black trousers, black tight dress shirt with sleeves rolled up to his elbows and having the two buttons open, showing off his tattoos. He has his hair spiked back and he even wore some nice, shiny shoes!

I swear my tongue was hanging out of my mouth when he stepped out of the house. I probably looked like some dog, salivating with big eyes when seeing food in front of him.

Let's pretend I didn't just compare myself to a dog and Alexander to a piece of meat. You get the idea, though.

I wasn't used to seeing him in clothes like this. But one thing is for sure, it didn't matter what he wore, he has irresistible looks. He could be naked and still looked awesome.

Well, he'd look even better than with clothes on, that's for sure.

I make a face to myself and stare down at the floor instead, asking my mind, where the hell are you going with these thoughts?

Alexander casually strolls to us with his hands in his pockets. His lips pull up at the side when he comes near me. I cock my head to the side, waiting for what's going to happen now. I intertwine my hands in front of me to stop them from shaking.

Alexander stops right in front of me, now full-on grinning. He takes one of his hands out of the pocket and caresses the curled strand of my hair. I tense up when I look at his eyes and see how red they are.

Is he seriously high?

''Who would've thought, Little one? You don't look like you're homeless for once.'' His words are meant to be funny and amusing, but they actually sting.

I lift my eyebrow at him, not showing him how he can make me feel. I purposefully look him up and down, slowly, taking my time. ''And you look like a nice guy for once, Alexander.'' I snort. ''But you're a real proof that looks can be deceiving.''

I would expect Alexander to get angry at my words. To maybe slam me back in the car or grip my shoulders and say one of his typical warnings. But what I don't expect is him, throwing his head back and laughing like I just told the funniest joke he ever heard.

I stay serious, just in case. I don't know in what mood he is today and I got to know him enough by now to know he can switch his moods in less than a second.

''What a tigress you became, Gabrielle. I'm starting to like playing with you.'' Amusement dances in his eyes mixed with some mischief.

I swear I've never met any guy that's more confusing than him. He says one thing, the next day he says another. He's confusing the hell out of me and I'm getting really tired of having to put up with him.

Alexander walks into the car, all smiles. I think I even hear him whistling.

What is going on with him?

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