Alexander stayed up with me and waited until I fell asleep. He patiently sat on the bad, caressing my hair, making sure I'm really asleep before he left the room.

I didn't sleep much. That was understandable, I didn't even expect it. But those few hours that I did sleep passed without any nightmares and that's what surprised me the most. I'm not complaining, though.

I don't go downstairs when I wake up. No, I climb out on the rooftop, welcoming the cold air. I'm trembling from the cold and I know it's normal, because I didn't get enough sleep and I'm still shaken-up about last night, but when I see Alexander out there already in the early hours, my heart skips a beat and my body warms a bit, remembering his touch.

His kiss.

I freeze, my breathing starting to get faster. I don't move from the spot, just staring at Alexander's back in nothing but silence.

But I guess Alexander heard me, because he says, "You can come out, Little one. I don't bite."

His voice shakes me to the bones. I don't know why. But our conversation at the night and me opening up to him changed things for me. It changed them a lot. And I now see him in a whole new perspective.

I climb through the window and walk closer to where he's sitting, wrapping my arms around myself to protect myself from the morning cold. I notice a cigarette in Alexander's hand. How typical. I wonder how many of them he smokes per day.

"You sure do smoke a lot," I make my first comment, sitting down beside him. When I look at him, I notice he has one-sided grin on him.

He looks tired, his face is white and his eyes are clouded. Has he even slept at all? It sure doesn't look so.

"What do you want me to say?" he asks with a groggy voice. For how long has he been sitting out here, alone in this cold?

I shrug, looking at my toes. "Why do you smoke so much?" I try.

Alexander huffs. "Because cigarettes apparently shorten your life."

I raise my eyebrows at him, looking at him in surprise. "Are you suicidal?" I blurt out without much thinking. I don't realise that you can't ask a person that.

Before I can take it back, Alexander laughs. "Do I look like I want to fucking kill myself?"

I stare at him and think about his question. "Mmm. No, but you do look like you want to kill someone else."

He grins. "Now you're talking."

I grin, too, and shake my head. I pull the sleeves of my sweater over my hands because they're starting to get cold. "I don't want you to tell your parents about what happened last night."

Alexander looks at me, now with interest, cocking his head to the side. "Why the hell not?"

Is he serious? Does he even know what that could cause? How much unwanted attention it could bring on me? I don't want people to know about what happened. Sam, Alexander and Snake are enough. And I doubt Ryder will tell anyone about it. At least I hope so.

Because if the word spreads around ... I don't even want to think about it.

"I don't want anyone to know about it," I merely say, nonchalant as ever, trying to be calm about this whole situation when I'm anything but.

Alexander presses his lips together in a straight line, taking a drag from the cigarette. "I won't tell anyone. And I doubt Sam will either."

I nod my head in thanks. "She told me, you know." Alexander glances at me in question. "She told me Ryder took her, too, wanting to do the same to her as me. But you saved her," I explain.

Alexander looks down, smashing his cigarette with angry moves. "That fucker is just trying to play games with me," Alexander says, not commenting anything on his bravery or that this is the second time he saved someone from Ryder's claws.

"Was that when you two stopped being friends and started to hate each other?" I ask quietly. Sam said they were friends before.

Alexander's mouth straightens. "Yeah," he grits out tightly.

I bend my knees and rest my head on them, smiling softly. "And yet you keep believing you're not a good guy."

Alexander's head snaps up at that and I feel his look, but I don't look at him. I stare forward, watching the lonely street that's slowly starting to wake up.

"Good? You see me as a good guy?" Alexander chuckles dryly. "Then I guess you've been hanging around wrong people all your life."

I want to chuckle at the irony of his words. "And believe me when I say that I saw and experienced more bad than good and you don't even come close to being bad." I dare to look at him now and see him watching me with wondering expression.

His eyes are questioning and he's studying my face as if he wants to read what I meant with my words. "What the hell have you been through, Little one?" he breathes out the question and it seems like he didn't want to say it loud.

My expression closes off at his question. I can feel that familiar tightening in my body, that anxiety that's starting to rise whenever someone questions me that. "Does it even matter?" I ask in all seriousness.

I doubt Alexander would understand it. Or maybe he would. But I doubt he'd be interested in my fucked up story.

Alexander frowns now. "Why wouldn't it? It's clearly something big," he says, not understanding at all.

I look down at the street again, not being able to look at him anymore, and smile sadly. "It's not really a conversation I want to have." Ever.

"You can't go around saying my family doesn't tell you shit when we don't know much about you either," Alexander throws at me, now in frustration.

His words are nothing but the truth and I agree with them all. Yet I still can't bring myself to say the things about my life out loud. I'm not over them – I'll probably never be over them.

And what happened yesterday ... It was a big trigger for me. But Sam calmed me. Even Alexander. And if it wasn't for them ... I don't know in what state I'd even be right now. "There might come a day when I'll speak about it. But today is not that day."

I don't want to talk about it, think about it, I don't want to remember it. Before Alexander has a chance to say anything, I beat him to eat. "What did that mean yesterday, though?"

Alexander glances at me. "What do you mean?"

By the way his voice gets lower and how he avoids eye contact with me, I know he knows what I'm talking about. "The kiss. What did it mean?"

I want to know where we stand. I want to get it out between us so there won't be any confusion. I don't like to question myself what it meant and why he did it. I'd rather just hear him say it didn't mean anything and we can both move on.

"Should it mean something?" Alexander questions without even looking at me.

I shrug. "I'm only asking. It's not like I have any expectations." I huff.

Alexander looks at me now but I don't look at him. I can't. "Well. You aren't talking about other things, I'm not talking about this." And he literally just stands up and goes back.

I stare at the empty space he was just occupying second before, wondering what the hell just happened. I thought we were having a civil conversation, but he just ... had to destroy everything.

I'm getting expectations about him again. What did I even expect? Just because he saved me yesterday and kissed me that he's going to suddenly become a decent human being to me and act all friendly? This is Alexander. He's never going to like me that much to give me kind words.

If his behaviour is any indication, that kiss didn't mean anything to him. Why would it? I'm sure he kisses different girls every night.

I pretend that thought doesn't bother me in the slightest.

•••

I hate Sundays. I think they're the worst ever. I don't know why. I just despise them. Probably still from the time I was going to school because I knew I have to go back there on Monday, so Sunday was the last day to enjoy being alone and not having to deal with the world.

And there's also the fact that you have nothing to do all day but think. Think think think ... about life. About the past. About the future. Thinking so much you put yourself in a bad mood.

That's what I'm doing right now. I can't help it. Even Amelia can't help me with her bright face and cheerful smiles.

I don't have to babysit her alone today because both Alfred and Rosalyn are at home and they are spending as much time with their daughter as possible these days. Even Alexander is at home today, even though I haven't seen him come out of his room since our encounter this morning.

Funny thing. I still don't know what that was all about. But who could even understand him? He's a mystery. He says one thing, means something else and does something third. You just can't win against him.

Sam comes over in the afternoon and I instantly get happier. Because, believe it or not, her revealing her story last night made me feel like she knows how this feels and she's on the same level as me. She even gave me hope.

"I think that a cure for every pain is to watch some hot guys getting undressed on the big-ass TV screen. In high quality," she says as a hello.

I stare at her like she's nuts at first. But then I start laughing. And my Sunday just gets entirely better. Because Sam and I talk through the whole movie and joke around the whole time, eating popcorn and pizza. Without any regrets.

"Goddammit," Sam breathes at one point. "Imagine waking up with a hot pice like that every morning. Sweet Jesus."

I stare at the screen, my eyes taking an appreciative glance at all those hard muscles that are displaying in high quality. Sweet Jesus indeed. "I don't think I'd ever let him leave my bed." I bite my lip, my eyes staying right on the man on the screen.

Sam looks at me. "Girl," she says with a huge smile.

"What the fuck, dude? Are you two watching porn in here?"

I jump up a mile high when I hear Alexander's voice behind us. And when I turn around to look at him, he's standing really close. How long has he even been here?

Sam chuckles at Alexander's remark, oblivious to my state. My heart really wants to jump right out of my chest. Right into Alexander's hands.

Only that he'd drop it. And then maybe stomp on it.

"Nah. Just drooling over guys we wish we could have in our beds." Sam sends a smirk in Alexander's direction and then winking at me.

My cheeks colour in a deep shade of a red. Did she really have to say it like that?

"We?" Alexander asks, raising an eyebrow at me. I don't know why he looks so confused by that.

Sam rolls her eyes and speaks up since I clearly swallowed my tongue when he appeared. "Yes, we. Gabby is not blind. She's not immune to all that male hotness on the screen."

Alexander doesn't even look at Sam. He just keeps staring at me. I swallow. And then his eyes go to the screen just as some moans start to come out of the speakers. And I should probably just dig a hole for myself now.

Alexander looks at me again, cocking his head to the side. I don't even dare to look at what's displaying on that screen. "Too bad it's only happening in your imagination." Alexander smirks deviously, but his smile doesn't reach his eyes. It looks more of a grimace than a smile.

I squint my eyes at him, trying to read what he's really trying to say.

"What? You think Gabby can't get a man as hot as this one? Want to test the fact out? Let her show you?"

My head snaps in Sam's direction, so does Alexander's. Did that just come out of her mouth? I want to say something, but I just don't find the words.

"I didn't say that. And no. She doesn't have to show anything to me," Alexander grumbles. I can hear the change in his voice. It's like he's mad. Or ... something. But his mood definitely got darker.

And before we could find out about the sudden change, he turns around and walks away. For the second time this day.

😂