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"Are you sure you're okay?" Rea checks again, "I can take you back home if you want."

I just shake my head and run my hand over my hair, she gave me some aspirin with some Redbull to wash it down as soon as we got on the main road.

She's been throwing me nervous glances ever since I took four of those pills even though she's the one who said I look like I need to take three.

"I can't go home, Mam'Ntombi is right I'm going to drive myself crazy being this fucking useless," I rationalize the best I can, "I already feel fireants eating at my skin."

She frowns at me and nods. I wish she'd focus more on the road especially since she likes driving this fast.

"Alright, but I'm sure everyone would understand if you took a rain check," She suggests again, "We can go to mine, order some food, watch something American? Wildn'Out? Or Madea?... Diary Of A Mad ablack Woman?"

I can't help but laugh at that, "Tsek wena," I sigh and shake my head as I sober up, "No, Zayn invited me and I told him I'd show up."

Can't let him down on the eve of getting that job that's looming in the horizon, I can't afford to screw up any more than I already have.

"And Zayn is...?"

"My boss's brother."

She nods along, "Oh yeah, so does that mean your boss is going to be there as well?"

I try to give a casual, "Most probably." But my guts are twisting at the thought.

"Alright, well I don't know what weird thing is going on with you guys but Juice said you invited him along as well?"

I nod along with the throbbing in my skull, "We've been talking..."

There's a small pause.

"He's a good guy," Her voice takes a somber tone, "Don't let that rap persona fool you, underneath all that.. he's a marshmallow to the core."

I find myself relaxed in the car seat now, "We've been talking Reamogetse, we're not making babies."

"I'm just saying. And he likes you," She pauses for effect, "Anyway, if you insist on going and all your people are going to be there then we need you more relaxed than this. I need to loosen you up."

There's some tightness in my shoulders but I don't have the banging in my head anymore.

"My cousin gave me some money and we are going to spend it," She continues, "Fresh nails, fresh toes. Scrubbed down? You in?".

"Didn't you just lose a job? Shouldn't you be saving?"

"I didn't lose my pretty face and good tits with it, did I? And trust me, money from my family is not money I want to use for important things. I was planning to blow it anyway."

I mean... If she insists..

I'm not going to turn down a spa treat, or the chance to look fresh. Especially in front of Mr Sin. I need to show him I'm not his cleaner tonight.

"I don't mind, I'll only have to flat press my hair then," I press my own hair, I don't trust salons. I only go when I need that big hairdryer.

"Great," Rea smiles all cheeks, "Now wanna tell me what the hell all that was about? And aren't those the same girls you stopped Zo from setting straight the other day?"

"They are, Nebula's aunts..."

"And this is the part where you tell me what the fuck?"

I get an idea,"Fine but on the one condition that you tell me the truth, the real truth about what went down between you, Mariska and her boyfriend that she's bringing tonight..."

I've been curious long enough and I might need to focus on their drama to keep my mind off mine.

She takes a second to think about it then nods her assent, and maybe it's the four aspirins or the stress of the day and that Rea's car is all cushy but my tongue takes off---

I tell her things I haven't confessed to anyone, not even my mother. I tell her things I didn't know I needed to get off my chest.

Like how I'm sick of this narrative that I ruined Lebone's life, that I set out to make him get me pregnant.

To what fucking end? I still end up with a baby I can't afford?

Never mind that I never took a cent from them, not even from Vivid when we were still friends. I always paid my own way--

When I was heavily pregnant, walking the morning winter rain to the clinic, they passed me in their nice cars and I still made my own way.

When I delivered my baby, Vivid was nowhere to be found and that was one of the scariest nights of my life-- but I still did it.

And who the hell does Mam'Pinky think she is? That I'd go through all that just to be close to her and her family? Who the hell do they think they are?

"Vivid and I did this together. When he was touching my thigh, playing around and slapping my butt he knew exactly what he was doing. I knew it too. No one is the victim here. It was our choice to have sex with protection so I'm sick of this whole neighbourhood thinking they have a say in that..."

BoSiya of all people. Weighing in on my life and my kid? I'd hang myself with gum.

And our bitter mothers who are bringing their age old shit into our business is not making things any better. Every time we meet is more destructive than the last.

Vivid's mom just wants to change Nebula's surname just to prove a point to me and stick it to my mother. Vivid is too spineless to do anything about it and his father will always have his wife's back no matter what he says.

I don't want to change her surname, and I'll never agree to it because I plan to be the one to raise her for the rest of her life.

Rea hums along, "And you're going ahead with the dedications?"

The city is in the horizon.

"Yeah, that I definitely have to do," I'm not selfish enough to have my baby be sick her whole life and have her life not come together just because of my personal grudges, "A family that deeply trandional? She has to be dedicated to the ancestors."

The tall buildings seem to beckon me to them, looming in the distance promising escape and adventure.

"That's smart, she is their blood afterall," Rea is on tune, "Now let's be smarter motho wa modimoband get your child away from those people. Especially if you're going to be fighting them in the street..."

I groan and roll my eyes at my actions today, I don't know what got into me. I guess I just had enough of them pushing me.

"It's not that simple..."

"Seems to me like it is, Nebula doesn't have to live there to be dedicated. She can just go the days of the ceremony..."

"Trust me, I've thought about all of that. Having her back with me is the only thing I think about and I'll do anything to make it happen..."

But I can't while I live in Ivory Park. In that shack.

I tried. I didn't just give up my baby. I tried.

But one night after I had to work for Mam'Noni, back before her tarven closed due to not having proper licensing, I had to go home late. My mom was in her better days and she'd been okay alone with her the couple of times I'd left Nebula with her so I didn't think nothing of it.

Vivid walked me home along with one of two of his friends, guys we grew up with. It was very late and he did that kind of thing for me back then.

"I got back home and found these nyaope boys in our yard in the middle of the night, front door unlocked and my mom was at the back of the house with my brother while Nebula was alone in bed...."

"Imani," Her breath catches.

"Nothing happened to her, I've never prayed that much in my life. She was fine," I try not to relive that memory, the only time I've ever been more afraid in my life was when I was bringing that child into the world, "But the thought of what could've happened Rea, the thought still makes me go cold. So please don't tell me it's simple."

She has the grace to not say anything so I take a deep breath and carry on.

"I couldn't have stay another night, I live in a corrugated iron shack that my brother has already proven more than once is to break into," I lay out the real reasons behind my decision to put Nebula in her father's custody, "And you saw where any money I try to save goes, paying off my brother's debts before they mob kill him--"

"You need to leave that place then--"

"That was my conclusion as well but costs money which means working and I am trying my best to keep things working so I can get her back before they poison her forever against me."

Women are vindictive. I know there's no line they wouldn't really cross to hurt me.

"Come stay with me," Rea is by far the kindest in our group.

"Your two bedroomed apartment, me, my daughter, my mother and my drug addict of brother because she's made it clear that she's not leaving him behind."

"Then I give up, I don't know how to help, tell me what to do."

"There's nothing you can do babe, just help me forget for tonight," Especially that shit that I saw happen around my brother today, that I definitely need to get out of my mind. I might be scarred for life but for tonight, I need to not think of it.

We've entered the city now and I have to say again that I'm glad I took my mother's advice. The township is behind me and so is it's troubles. I'm far away where they can't touch me.

I'm lucky I'm with Rea, she can definitely take my mind off this nonsense. Nandi would just want to dwell on the problem, Mariska wouldn't know what to say and if it were Zo, we'd still be fighting to those girls.

Rea is perfect.

She let me rant off my head without judgement and criticism. And I didn't know how much I needed to just get everything off my chest, I didn't know how much better that simple gesture would make me feel.

Might also be the slight overdose on aspirin, which in hindsight might have been a bad idea because combined with the relaxing fumes and atmosphere of the spa, the deep tissue massages and mud facials... I am positively in heaven.

I thought the Redbull would have a hard effect since I never drink it but one minute in that steam room and it must've sweated out of my system.

I feel like I'm wrapped in my own personal cloud and again, more than once I wish I had the kind of money to do this kind of thing all the time.

Mam'Ntombi was right, I needed to decompress.

Throughout the treatments Rea keeps me fully entertained and engaged with the tale of how the tension between her and the Mariskas came to be.

I need to know because he's going to be there as well, and whenever there's pretty girls, rich men and alcohol some shit always goes down.

"I met Karabo first year, first day. He was my orientation coach, being a third year and all," She starts and I get that tingle when tea seems very juicy, "There was a bunch of us and we were all super scared. Some of us had never lived in the city, some of us had everything riding on this. Science and engineering majors, you know?"

Business majors were just as bad. We also had everything riding on our studies especially the rich kids who were being groomed to take their family businesses. It was cutthroat in there.

"But Karabo was so nice and cool, he made it all seem so simple and easy. And he was open and helpful to all of us even the guys. He was just a genuine guy. And this was before I knew you guys so I'd hang out with him bonding over physics and cars, and the best kota combos I guess. And I needed that you know? I only had Mariska who was my roommate and she's a city white girl, I'm rural black girl. From the Northern Cape. You know how racist we black people can be mos..."

I lazily hum my assent.

"So we became close, very close. We were best friends and we fell in love. He was my first and when--"

"Wait, what?" My jaw is on the floor.

She rolls her hazel eyes, "Not like that toxic shit you have with Vivid--"

"No but like what the shit? Mariska's boyfriend is your virgin breaker?"

Her pretty, yellow face grimaces at my words, "Don't say it like that."

My mind is blown. I knew there was shit but I didn't know it was this shit.

I'm even more shocked that she lost her virginity in college, the rest of us lost it in high school.

"Wait, so the dick that Mariska is--"

"Moving on," She cuts my giggles off and continues rolling her eyes at me, "Anyway, he helped smooth things between Mariska and me. Helped bridge that gap in communication and understanding. So Mariska and I became close, and in turn he became close with Mariska as well..."

I see where this is going.

Rea and I are changing back into our clothes now, getting ready to go to her place where we're going to meet up with the rest of the girls.

Getting ready together is a tradition we've managed to keep up from college.

"Anyway, we never dated so I didn't really have a claim to him. And I was a first year, scared to do anything to ruin things and he was my first boy so I kind of left everything up to him."

"Don't make excuses for him."

"No really. You know how much I talk shit, he probably was scared as well and left it up to me but anyway Mariska told me about the tryouts and then I met Zodwa that very first day..."

I know they've been inseparable ever since.

"And you know Zo, she claimed me. Declared then and there this we were best friends. I spent a lot of time with her but that was less time I was spending with Karabo and Mariska. With Zo came fun and adventure, and that's what I'd been missing all my life. So Karabo and Mariska got close, and I guess he helped her with a family crisis like the good guy he is and they bonded."

She tries to seem all nonchalant about it but I can tell by how hard she swallows that there's still something deeper lingering there..

"And then she told me that she was in love with him like she's never been with anyone before," She pauses to breathe, "And I was still running around with Zo, living my best life. I couldn't keep him from someone who loved him that much. And she does love him a lot, more than I ever could've."

Takes a strong woman to admit...

"Anyway, we met up and talked it out. We decided that I wasn't in a place in my life where I could be what he needed and he could never give me what I really wanted. Yet we hooked up, one final time. Up til then he was the only boy I was comfortable sleeping with. But I ended up telling him about Mariska. A couple of months later they went out and I found out I was pregnant. Then I wasn't pregnant anymore and here we are..."

What's the right thing to say here? Is there anything to say? Are words even enough?

The heartbreak is always in her eyes. Hazelbrown and big, they make her look like a doll but instead of the vacant hers look sad. She's always staring off into space and they always look like they're shimmering with tears.

And she's a beautiful girl. Why is it always the beautiful ones that get their hearts this shattered?

"I'm sorry," I say the only thing I can say.

"For what? You did nothing."

"For what happened," The fact that she doesn't have a baby means something happened, something bad, "Whatever it is, I can't even imagine. I'm sorry you went through that."

She gives me a sad smile and pulls me in for a quick, "To live is to go through shit, everyone's going through something."

"Does Mariska know?" I've been itching to ask.

"No, not even Karabo. Just Zo and well, you now. And I expect it to stay that way, they've built a happy life and nothing good can come up from bringing up the past."

I wish the grown ups were half as smart as her.

She is wise beyond her years.

On the car ride from the spa to her flat where the rest of our friends are waiting for us, I can't help but ask, "Do you sometimes regret it? Letting him go?"

She takes a moment to think about it and nods, "Yeah, I think he may be my first love and I just didn't know it at the time. I miss him of course. But I'm not Mariska and she just fits him perfectly. They're a unit so I don't really regret anything. I just wish we handled it better where we could be better friends..."

"Well, use tonight as a trial run. Maybe you and Karabo can repair your friendship."

She smiles and shakes her head, "You don't know how territorial Mariska is," She says, "May I ask you something as well? Do you resent your mother? I mean she's the reason you're not living with your daughter right? Thus partly the reason for all this nonsense going on?"

It's not like I haven't thought about it, she's just echoing the thoughts I've had many times before and immediately hated myself for. If I lose her and the last thing I did was resent her then I'd never forgive myself.

But she told me that she'd only just left a second before I arrived to chase my brother away and she didn't mean to go as far as the back of the house.

I didn't get to tell her that a second was all it took for that baby to roll off the bed or God forbid those boys make it into the house and find her.

I just knew that Nebula had to go to a place where her life won't ever come close to being a second from danger on a random Thursday night because I had to work to feed the very people who put her in danger.

So I give it a deep thought and settle on a, "No, I don't resent her. I get angry at her sometimes but then I remember that she's only doing the best she knows how. Can't hold that against her."

"And forgive yourself as well. You're also only doing the best you know how," She drops that little nugget, "But babe, you're the one who needs to get your shit together here. You brought a person into the world and excuses, blame, fingerpointing are not going to keep her safe and keep her healthy. It's on you."

It's on me.

"Well since we're handing out little unsolicited nuggets of wisdom. Here's my bit, don't try to rebuild with Karabo. If Mariska is as territorial as you say then just leave things as they are. Keep your distance, he's hers now. And don't," I look at her to drive my point home, "Don't let Zodwa use this, what happened, to taunt Mariska. It's probably hard enough on her that you had him first, you know?"

She's better than me, I could never be with a guy who's been with my friend Especially if they've seen one another naked.

Our heavy conversation comes to pleasant conclusion when we pull into her parking lot, she's still the only girl I know who drives this smoothly in heels.

I've had a pretty good day, I can't wait to start getting ready for the night.

I am going to look delicious. I have the perfect outfit-- black corset, black opera gloves, these shimmery black pants that looks like the night sky and matching pumps. One of them better have a handbag to complete my ensemble.

Getting ready for a night out is always just plain chaotic for us-- they're always drinking something, and Nandi has burned me three times now with a flat iron, I want to take it from her to make her feel what it feels like to have your scalp scorched.

Mariska is not here yet and Rea is having a meltdown because she can't fit into her pink latex dress. Zodwa still has big rollers in her hair and is laughing at Rea's rolls trying to squeeze into the tight material.

I on the other hand look immaculate when it's all said and done. Hair up in a sleek ponytail that Nandi finished off with long hair extensions and some hair spray.

She's still with the short hair so she had time to help me with mine, "Wait, how are we getting there?"

Rea has abandoned her dress, "Juice says she told Imani he'll pick us up. Mariska is riding with Karabo."